DanMargarita.com

January 25, 2010

The Gang That Couldn’t Vote Straight

You may have heard that Massachusetts’s voters recently elected Scott Brown to fill the seat left vacant by the passing of Senator Ted Kennedy. It was in most of the papers.

Scott Brown defeated Attorney General Martha Chokely, whose campaign strategy seemed to follow Woody Allen’s advice that “80 percent of success is showing up.”

Indeed, Ms. Chokely seemed to think that just by being a Democrat running for the seat long-held by the “Liberal Lion,” that she was automatically entitled to it.

She scorned the idea of spending time outside of Fenway Park on a cold day, shaking hands. You know what, Martha? That’s what politicians running for office do!

Ted Kennedy would go out and campaign…even when running unopposed! Although, after seeing her lackluster campaign, I get the feeling that if she had run unopposed, she STILL would’ve lost.

When it came out that former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling was endorsing Brown, Chokely joked that he (Schilling) was probably a Yankees fan. Good to see that Martha is keeping John Kerry’s joke writers employed. Maybe she can take over the Tonight Show when Jay gets fired again. Why do Democrats think they’re funny? They’ve got a professional comedy writer, Al Franken in their midst. Couldn’t he run a remedial comedy class for them?

In fairness, Brown ran a great campaign.

“I’m Scott Brown and I drive a truck,” was pretty much all it took to defeat Martha (He didn’t tell us what kind of mileage he got on it, though). I’m not sure if there’s a precedent for that campaign slogan.

“I’m Abe Lincoln, and I split rails.”

The press noted with a wink and a chuckle that Brown had posed nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine in 1982. I’m not sure if there’s a precedent for that, either.

“The Saturday Evening Post Presents William Howard Taft, America’s Sexiest Man!”

At 340 pounds, there was just more of him to love. Remember, they liked ‘em big back then.

Had the shoe been on the other foot, wait…that’s probably a bad metaphor, had there been nude photos of Martha (sorry for planting that image in your head) that surfaced instead of Brown, I suspect that the “Family Values” crowd would have deemed her unfit to run for such a lofty office. Of course, had the Fairness Doctrine still been in place, Martha would have been within her rights to demand to pose nude also. Perhaps we may yet see that “The Ladies of the Attorney General’s Office” layout in Playboy.

Martha Chokely was the 1978 Boston Red Sox blowing a 14 1/2 game lead to the New York Yankees. Martha Chokely was Bill Buckner booting a squibbed ground ball to first base. Martha Chokely was Mike Torrez giving up a bloop home run to Bucky Dent (Yes, despite World Series Championships in 2004 and 2007, the pre-2004 Red Sox remain the Gold Standard for blowing a sure thing). Okay…to throw in one non-Red Sox reference, Martha Chokely was Scott Norwood missing an easy field goal that would’ve won the Super Bowl. And you Sox fans think we’re the only ones whose team tortures us?

The election now gives the Democrats what seems to be a 59-41 minority. Only the donkeys can screw up like that and turn an advantage into seeming to be a disadvantage. It’s kind of like former Red Sox pitcher Matt Young throwing a no-hitter and losing. Yes, if need a sports metaphor for screwing up, all you have to do is check Red Sox history between 1919-2003.

Now there’s a lot of excitement on the right about Scott Brown, as there was on the left about Barak Obama, and like Obama, the honeymoon period will eventually end and there will be a realization that the candidate can’t walk on water, and disappointment likely will set in. Sort of like being a Red Sox fan from 1919-2003.

As for Martha Chokely, she’s announced that she’s again running for reelection as Attorney General. Before she begins campaigning (assuming she does), she should buy a truck.

Now it is Scott Brown who will be moving to Washington, and he might need some help, but he can take a lot of stuff himself; after all, he has a truck.

Congratulation to Scott Brown, or as one man once said: “Heckuva job, Brownie.”

Posted by dmargarita at 1:32 PM

September 21, 2009

Kanye Interruptus

It’s official, Kanye West is a jackass. That’s not just me talking, it’s the President of the United States. Oh, no he di'n't!

I honestly haven’t watched MTV much, at least not since they stopped playing “M” on their channel, so I didn’t see the infamous incident where Kanye West jumped on stage during the MTV Video Award show and took the microphone from winner Taylor Swift and announced that singer Beyonce had “one of the greatest videos of all time.”

Ah, if only Kanye had run onto the field to take the ball out of the N.Y. Jets quarterback’s hands and declared that Tom Brady was one of the greatest QB’s of all time, but I digress.

Not having seen it live, I was puzzled by all of the buzz on Facebook not long after the incident took place.

“Kanye’s an ass,” seemed to be the consensus.

Well, yeah, we knew that (and the president later confirmed it). Still, with the amount of discussion on FB, I knew something was up and soon learned of the classless man’s classless act.

It’s not the first time he’s done these publicity-seeking hijinks, but it backfired wildly and West was forced to humble himself on Jay Leno’s new show, apologizing profusely. It could’ve been worse; he could’ve been torn to shreds by the ladies of The View.

That’s the entertainment world, however and there are worse places he could’ve been a jackass, historically speaking. It’s a good thing he wasn’t at Gettysburg while President Lincoln was saying, “Four score and seven years ago…” to step in front of Lincoln to announce, “Great speech, Mr. President but Frederick Douglass had one of the greatest speeches of all time!”

Going further back it would’ve been rough to see him interrupt Thomas Jefferson as he read the Declaration of Independence.

“We the people…”

Although, I suppose Jefferson would’ve asked Kanye if he had any good looking sisters he could “date.”

Worse, Kanye could’ve been at the Last Supper, saying “Great speech, Jesus, but Aristotle had one of the greatest speeches of all time!”

The fact that Kanye West has declared himself the voice of his generation should’ve given us an idea that that his MTV antics shouldn’t have come as a big surprise. To paraphrase the old saying about “class,” if you have to announce that you’re the voice of a generation, you’re probably not. That’s for others to decide and declare and most people, like Bob Dylan, tend to reject that notion and the burden it carries.

Rudeness by a spotlight-hogging celebrity is one thing, but when it comes from a member of congress, it’s another matter.

This brings us to South Carolina representative Joe Wilson, who now famously yelled, “You lie!” at President Obama during his speech to a joint session of congress recently.

Before getting to the substance of it, I have to note that before this, if you mentioned the name Joe Wilson, I would’ve thought you were either talking about Valerie Plame’s husband, or Dennis the Menace’s grouchy neighbor.

Considering that H.R. 3200, Section 246 is titled “No Federal payment for undocumented aliens,” it would seem to disprove Wilson’s claim. Of course if Wilson had been watching Fox News, he might honestly believe it. Fox is not known for their accuracy in reporting, especially when a Republican politician gets involved a sex scandal. A number of times they’ve identified GOP pols with a “D” next to their names, with regard to Gov. Mark Sanford and Rep. Mark Foley.

In no one’s recollection has a member of congress yelled out or called the president a liar during a speech. Normally, even when members of congress criticize each other, it is done with at least an appearance of civility, and in the third person.

“If my liberal friend would kindly remove his head from his rectum…”

How can we expect celebrities to be polite if we can’t even get our elected leaders to be polite?

Anyway, I’d better end this before Kanye comes in and interrupts me. I just hope he's not nearby if and when I have a honeymoon.

Posted by dmargarita at 5:49 PM

November 11, 2008

Revolutionary Mud

ELECTION DAY---By the time you read this column, we will have selected a new president of the United States of America. Of course, I made that same declaration in 2000, only to have the election drag on for several more weeks.

People decry the mudslinging in presidential campaigns, and this year is no different with John McCain (whose 2000 campaign was derailed by George W. Bush’s camp’s innuendo) and his minions, intimating that Barack Obama is a socialist, a Muslim, and a terrorist, among other things. For their part, the Obama camp has said that John McCain is…old.

Historians often appear on TV and declare that dirty campaigns have always been a part of American history (yeah, I’m talking about you, Kearns-Goodwin), but that certainly wasn’t the case at the very beginning. The revered and beloved George Washington ran unopposed, so if there was any mudslinging, he would’ve had to have thrown it at himself. That certainly would’ve made for an interesting stump speech.

“My fellow Americans, I would not trust me on foreign issues. I have no experience in these matters, so vote for me at your own peril.”

According to CNN's website, Washington’s successors, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson began what we now know as “mudslinging.” The Jeffersonian’s accused Adams of being a “hermaphrodite” while the Adam’s camp called Jefferson “the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father."

If the latter were true, Barack Obama wouldn’t actually be making history if elected.

Speaking of slavery (there’s a segue you don’t often hear), Jefferson had hired a man named James Callendar to smear Adams (sort of the first Karl Rove) which resulted in Callendar going to prison for slander. Upon his release from prison, Callendar, feeling unsupported by Jefferson, broke the story that Jefferson had not only lived with, but fathered children with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings.

Jefferson ignored the charge, with no “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Sally Hemings” type of press conference. While certainly a brilliant and well-read man, Jefferson could not have foreseen the advent of something called DNA testing.

The Adams family (the presidents, not the freaks Morticia and Gomez) lived through another dirty campaign when Andrew Jackson ran against incumbent John Quincy Adams in 1828.

Jackson supporters mocked Adams as and “elitist” (we’ve come a long way, haven’t we?) and his education and intelligence were used against him. You certainly don’t want those qualities in a president. On the other hand, Jackson was illiterate and probably couldn’t even have read the children’s book My Pet Goat.

Rumors were spread that while an ambassador to Russia, Adams had procured American girls for sex for the czar and Adams was labeled a “pimp.” Perhaps the wide-brimmed purple hat and purple carriage didn’t help his image any.

While that charge is likely untrue, the Adams charge of bigamy against Jackson’s wife appears to have been valid. It seems that Rachel Jackson didn’t bother to get a divorce from her previous husband before marrying Jackson. I suppose the Adams camp would’ve had a field day if they had run agaisnt Jerry Lee Lewis.

Things weren’t much better in the election of 1884 when it was revealed that candidate Grover Cleveland, a bachelor, had fathered a child out of wedlock. This promoted chants from opponents of “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?” This was sort of the Youtube moment of 1884. Despite this, Cleveland won the election and his supporters retorted “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa? Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!” Since child labors laws weren’t in effect at the time, it appears that that Cleveland hired some 12 years olds on his campaign staff.

Cleveland’s lack of military service didn’t help him at all. Oh, he could have served in the Civil War, but sent a replacement to fight for him, which was legal at the time. He didn’t need to have his father get him into the National Guard.

Tomorrow when I wake up, I will find out who our new Commander-in-Chief is. Well, probably.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:36 PM

November 6, 2006

Mud-slinging, Nazi-style

By the time you read this, Massachusetts voters will have a new Governor. Of course the last time I made such a prediction was 2000, and I said that by the time you read my next column, you’d have a new president. We wound up not having a new president for about a week and a half.

Much has been made of the vicious campaigns that Kerry Healey and Deval Patrick have run against each other, in particular Healey’s virtual assertion that Patrick spends his Friday nights playing poker with rapist friends.

A recent program on PBS was a documentary on Nazi Propaganda Minister Josef Goebbels, which used a voiceover read straight from his diaries. While chuckling at the irony of his insistence that his people “stay the course,” I found myself realizing that while Hitler was a dictator, he was actually elected to office. Of course, I am in no way equating either candidate with Hitler or the Nazis, but it makes me wonder how many of us bother to learn a candidate’s positions instead of voting by party. After all, Hitler pretty much made himself clear when he wrote his autobiography Mein Kampf in the 1920’s. No, I haven’t read it but I know enough about it to know that it wasn’t exactly ghost written by Mahatma Gandhi.

I figure that somewhere in Germany in 1933 somebody was standing in a voting booth and thinking: “Achh, zees people is all ze same. Hmmmm…Hitler…zat’s an interesting name. Luv ze mustache. Vot ze hell, I’ll vote for him.”
More likely, they thought it in actual German and not in a vaudevillian, pigeon-German accent.

I can’t also help but wonder what kind of a campaign Hitler would conduct if he were running for office today, using modern campaigning methods. As for negative campaigning, I think that’s a given. Yet, what kind of a negative campaign could Hitler’s opponents run? What could you possibly accuse Hitler of that is as bad or worse than what he actually did? Sure, they could accuse him of anti-Semitism, but wasn’t that probably part of his campaign platform anyway? Anything bad they could say about him, he might think of as a badge of honor. If pictured as the sociopath and madman that he was, his campaign might even try to spin it in his favor with slogans like:

“Hitler: He’s Nuts for Germany.”

Leaking rumors about one’s opponent has become a staple of modern campaigns. That fact that Hitler was alleged to have one testicle would certainly be fodder for the tabloids. No doubt, his opponents would let that get out but his campaign might simply rework the prior slogan to:

“Hitler: A Nut for Germany.”

Conversely, Hitler might try to sling mud at his opponents but since we know what he stood for and believed in, one can only assume that he would think that saying nice things about his opponent would be his idea of mud and would derail their campaign.

“Josef Schmidt: He doesn’t want to commit genocide and rule the world. Is that the kind of man we want to rule Germany?”

Before I vote, I’d better read Healey and Patrick’s campaign literature and make sure that neither one has promised to invade Poland.

Posted by dmargarita at 12:56 PM

January 31, 2005

Inaugural Balls

Well, whether you like it or not, it's over. Last week Chief Justice William Rehnquist, dressed in his black and gold "visitors" robe, administered the oath of office to George W. Bush who remains our 43rd president. Did anyone inform that getting re-elected didn't mean he became the 44th president?

After the inauguration, the president and first lady attended ten inaugural balls where they reportedly danced a total of about nine minutes, which means that they spent more time entering and leaving each room than they did dancing.

Of course, the pageantry will soon be forgotten as is that of most presidential inaugurations, with the possible exception of that of Andrew Jackson, who was forced to leave the overcrowded White House via a window while the party was moved outside and the furniture destroyed.

It is always the speech that is long-remembered, or in most cases, long-forgotten. President Bush's speech will probably be best remembered for using the words "freedom" and "liberty" as, nouns, verbs, adjectives, prepositions, dangling participles and the occasional filler.

A handful of phrases from inaugural speeches have lived with us such as Abraham Lincoln's "with malice toward none, with charity for all."

What few people know is the surrounding phrases and the context in which the famous words were used. For instance, Lincoln actually said "with malice toward none, with charity for all. Speaking of charity, please don't telegraph me at dinner time looking for charity donations. I hate that. I usually eat between six and seven."

One of the most famous phrases came from Franklin D. Roosevelt during his first inauguration, which he apparently enjoyed so much he kept doing it until he dropped.

"We have nothing to fear, but fear itself. And the number thirteen. Really unlucky."

An even more recent inaugural speech of note was that of John F. Kennedy, who can be seen in color footage giving the inspirational "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country" which ends before he is seen adding "More specifically, ask what you can do for your president. Especially you ladies. That's right, I'm talking to you."

The longest inaugural speech in U.S. history was followed by the shortest presidency. William Henry Harrison spoke for nearly two hours in a blizzard without a coat and developed pneumonia, causing the 68 year-old president to subsequently die a month later.

Harrison was known as "Old Tippecanoe" for his annoying habit of needlessly standing up in canoes causing them to tip over. This nickname was generally used derisively as in "Oh, brother. Who invited 'Old Tippecanoe' to go camping with us?"

No doubt, that if Harrison knew he would spend but some 720 hours in office he would've wasted two of them on giving a speech in a blizzard.

As for his most famous quote from his inaugural address"

"Anybody got a cough drop?"

Okay, he didn't really say that but admit it; he gave the longest inauguration speech in history and neither you or I can quote one line from it.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:22 PM

November 3, 2004

An Election That Actually Ended

It's Tuesday Nov., 3 at 11:00 a.m. Do you know who your president is?

I found myself asking this question this morning when it looked like we were going to have another "election that never ends."

It turned out to be another surreal experience just watching it on TV. Projections were made early on with actual projections like "Kerry 52 %, Bush 48 % with 0 % precincts in." I'm not making that up. Leave it to TV news organizations to make a prediction based on no official information.

One announcer said that Bruce Springsteens support of John Kerry didn't help get the youth votes since young people didn't turn out and vote the way Kerry's camp had hoped. While Springsteen is still hugely popular and certainly has some young fans, he's in his fifties and I don't recall the last time a middle aged man was able to lead a youth movement.

"Hell, no! We won't go! Until we check our HMO!"

If they plan on attracting the youth vote they should probably try to get someone in their age group like Blink 182.

The election marked the last for NBC's Tom Brokaw who is stepping down from that network's anchor desk in December. That's too bad because Brokaw is still a sharp, professional newsman who doesn?t push his own agenda.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a plan for Larry King to retire. It was kind of embarrassing watching King work as he became the Admiral Stockdale of the CNN news desk.

Not to say Larry's old, but a couple of years ago he had 60-year old Paul McCartney as a guest and made Paul look hip. Heres an actual quote from Larry on that show: "You know Paul, we have a lot in common. I'm from Brooklyn and you're from Liverpool."

Early this morning I heard Brokaw say that the White House was mad at him because they were being cautious and not calling Ohio for Bush, thus delaying their ability to go out and publicly declare themselves the winners. It's been a while since I've read the Constitution, but I don't recall the Founding Fathers saying anything about NBC News being the ones to determine the outcome of elections.

President Bush apparently was not following the election results on TV since NBC's Brian Williams stated that "Aides say the president is not glued to the TV" although that could've been because he was accidentally glued to the refrigerator instead. Or he might not have been glued to the TV because Spongebob Squarepants wasn't on yet.

Now John Kerry has conceded defeat and George W. Bush is finally elected as our president.

Once again, on election night I found myself asking the same question that I wind up asking myself every four years.

"Are these the best two people we can come up with?"

Posted by dmargarita at 9:10 PM

August 2, 2004

DNC Rap...eh, Wrap Up

Even though the Democratic National Convention was in my backyard, I couldn't get press credentials. Nor did I get tickets to any of the exclusive parties in Boston. Nevertheless, I found my way to the apparent local hotspot of Democrat politics---the American Legion Hall in Woburn!

I stumbled upon this thanks to a flyer in my mailbox that offered Democrats a place to watch Sen. John Kerry make his acceptance speech on Thursday night. The handbill promised a DJ, food and a cash bar. Since it's highly unlikely that the VIP's in Jeremy Jacobs' luxury box at the Fleet Center paid for their drinks, the distance between the Fleet Center and the American Legion Hall seemed greater in status than it was in miles.

The flyer also said that you could watch the speech on a 'Giant 20 foot Wide Screen." There was no screen so the picture was projected on the wall, technically making it a 120 foot Wide Screen.

Security has been tight in Boston but the organizers of the Woburn event didn't seem to feel too much of a terrorist threat seeing as the closest thing to security was several youngsters who for some reason were wandering around in karate outfits.

For those interested in watching the convention all week in full but unable to attend, C-Span presented gavel-to-gavel coverage. This meant you would get to see the speakers that most people haven't heard of. It's kind of like watching the last few innings of the Major League All Star game and seeing players you've never heard of but are there because the Montreal Expos have to be represented.

Apparently not content to cover just the DNC, C-Span 2 went above and beyond by covering Fidel Castro's speech on Monday night. Castro mentioned that his country has free education, that Cuban children rank highly internationally in math and that everyone in Cuba has free health care. If it weren't for the totalitarian aspect of his regime, he'd have my vote. It looked like Fidel was vying for a cabinet position in the Kerry administration.

Some of the highlights of the convention included Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy, who rewrote American history when he announced that at the Battle of Lexington & Concord someone fired "the shirt heard 'round the world." I'm betting that he misspoke and was not making a statement about the colonists' loud clothing.

Ted also seemed to have vocal trouble as his voice kept cracking like a teenager going through puberty. It seemed like a matter of time before he would say "Would you like fries with that?"

Though I missed it, I saw highlights of what apparently was a surprise guest appearance by famed cartoon character Little Orphan Annie who is running an organization called "Kids for Kerry." I can't wait to see what brilliant stunts they come up with their "dirty tricks committee."

Former Vice President Al Gore gave a speech on behalf of John Kerry. Gore opened by joking that he had hoped to be there under different circumstances, as a President hoping for re-election.

Later that same night, Howard Dean spoke on Kerry's behalf, opening by joking that he'd hoped to be there under different circumstances, as the presumptive nominee. Howard, what were you doing backstage? Obviously not watching the convention or you wouldn't have opened with the same joke as Gore.

Each speaker had their own introductory music that somehow related to them. I didn't recognize the opening chords to Dean's theme song, but I honestly thought it was the song "Freak Out."

One of the stars of the convention was Barack Obama, the self-professed "skinny kid with the funny name." His father was a Kenyan goat herder and his mother was from Kansas, which begs the obvious question: Can these two people share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Obama gave an electrifying keynote speech and the pundits tabbed him for stardom in the Democratic Party. His biggest hindrance might be that his last name is just one letter off from "Osama."

Another speaker was Ron Reagan, son of the late President Ronald Reagan. He began his speech by noting the irony of the son of a famous Republican addressing the Democratic Convention. "A few of you may be surprised to see someone with my last name showing up to speak at a Democratic convention" said Reagan, apparently unaware that he also possesses the same first name as his father.

The convention wrapped up with Kerry making his acceptance speech on Thursday night. At the Legion Hall, after an evening of ignoring speeches by local candidates, the audience grew quiet as Kerry bounded on stage and saluted the crowd and announced that he was "reporting for duty." At least he had the good sense not to show up dressed like the sailor on the Cracker Jack box after being mocked for his appearance in a biochemical suit earlier in the week.

The senator talked about his service in Viet Nam, noting that on his patrol boat the American flag behind him continued to blow in the breeze after being shot up. Presumably he was marveling at the symbolism of the event rather than being amazed by a simple law of physics that a light cloth will be elevated by wind.

To no one's surprise, Kerry accepted the nomination (what would they do if he declined?) and the audience cheered him wildly. Then it was time to head back to Stoneham.

It's a two-minute ride from the Legion Hall...barring roadblocks.

Originally printed in The Stoneham Sun.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:19 AM

July 27, 2004

D(o) N(ot) C(ome) (to) BOSTON '04

By now, unless you've been living in a cave, you know that the Democratic National Convention is taking place in Boston. Judging by the lack of traffic on the roads, many of you might be living in a cave.

I guess the convention really kicked off Sunday night when political V.I.P.'s showed up at Fenway Park to watch the Red Sox-Yankees game. You know it's big when Ben Affleck gets bumped from his regular privileged seat.

In what might prove to be a bad omen, soon-to-be Democratic nominee John Kerry threw out, or should I say, attempted to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Standing several feet in front of the pitchers mound, Kerry bounced the ball in front the catcher (actually, a soldier with a catcher's mitt) in a throw that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger might describe as looking like that of a "girlie-man."

Monday morning, like everyone else, I was wary of the gigantic traffic mess that everybody feared only to find the roads comparatively deserted. Of course, the fact that I was on the road at 6:15 a.m. might have had something to do with it.

The convention officially kicked off at 4 p.m. and among the first speakers (or mumblers) was Mayor Tom Menino. As the mayor of Boston, presumably he was on so early to welcome the delegates. Another possible explanation is that he had to get back to his car before it got towed by Boston cops.

If you want to watch the convention in its entirety, I recommend that you put on C-Span, which follows the events uninterrupted. Although, this means that you have to sit through speeches by people you've never heard of and don't care about. When these people come on the screen it's like when you go to a concert and the performer says "This one's from my latest album." That's when you know it's a good time to go to the bathroom.

Naturally, the national anthem had to be played and it was sung by someone named Bebe Winans. No offense to Mr. Winans, but I've been to enough ballgames and seen enough people doing their "interpretation" of the Star Spangled Banner that I have no desire to see it performed unless it's by someone I know like B.B. King or even actress Bebe Neuwirth. Thank God for TV Land.

The major networks only carried the last hour, from 10:00 to 11:00 pm. That's when the "headliners" came on. Sure there were a couple of "late inning" folks, whom the networks avoided by going to one of their analysts.

One of the featured speakers was a Rev. David Alston who served with John Kerry in Viet Nam. Unfortunately, the reverend seemed to have a strange growth on the side of his head and I suspect he may be more interested in supporting John Edwards because it looks like he has a legitimate case for a malpractice suit against someone.

Al Gore, our most recently elected president, spoke as did Jimmy Carter and actress Glenn Close. Ironically, Close spoke shortly before Hillary Clinton who might've acted like Close's character (with good reason) from the movie "Fatal Attraction" when living in The White House.

Then the senator from New York introduced her husband, Bill Clinton, who closed the proceedings with a rousing speech that wowed the faithful.

After that, there was no need to go to the bullpen.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:35 PM

April 26, 2004

V-T Day

No one knows just how long the "War on Terror" will last, but it promises to be a lengthy campaign. Like everyone, I long for that day when it comes to an end. I wasn't around for V-E Day or V-J Day and can only imagine what joyous celebrations those must've been. In that spirit, I now present the news report of that as-yet-to-be historic occasion:
TERROR SURRENDERS!

ZURICH (AP)---At 12:30 p.m. local time, Terror formally surrendered in Zurich, Switzerland. Representatives of the U.S. Government and Terror met and signed official documents formally ending the war.

Representing the U.S. was Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Crunch, while representing Terror were Freddy Krueger, Jason from "Friday the 13th and their Goodwill Ambassador Casper the Friendly Ghost.

The day proved to be a career highlight for Crunch whose inability to rise above the rank of Captain for many years had become an embarrassment to the U.S. Navy.

The U.S. government's victory over Terror should prove to be a big morale boost for the nation, which has suffered through long-running, unsuccessful campaigns against Poverty and Drugs.

People celebrated wildly in the streets of cities and towns all across America. One sailor re-enacted a famous World War II photograph by bending over and kissing a nurse. However, the photo was taken in Boston where the sailor kissed a male nurse whom he later married.

The cease-fire agreement comes after months of negotiations between the United States and Terror. The deal was hung-up largely on Terror's insistence that America be at least a little bit nervous in the future. The Americans steadfastly refused by rolling out their chief negotiators, Faith and Courage.

Security was tight with the Swiss Army heavily equipped with their biggest knives that included corkscrews, bottle openers, scissor, tweezers and toothpicks.

In a spirit of goodwill, the U.S. and Terror discussed cultural exchanges to promote harmony between the two sides. The U.S. will send its ping-pong team and in return Terror will send spine-tingling sensations.

The war began in response to the attacks on September 11, 2001. President George W. Bush declared a "War on Terror" after considering declaring war on Horror, Fear, Pessimism and strangely enough, egg plant. Bush has on occasion incorrectly referred to the conflict as a "War on Terrorism," which was not surprising considering Bush's long-standing "War on Grammar."

Terror, whose slogan "Boo!" has long inspired fear, has given many television interviews, most notably a recent interview on "60 Minutes" with Morley Safer in which Terror said "We shall see the Americans in hell! And we'll get better seats since we've got connections there!"

With the end of the war and the surrender of Terror, there has been much speculation that Terror will be sent to The Hague to stand trial for "Crimes against Humanity."

Terror has reportedly already contacted noted defense attorney Alan Dershcowitz.

Considering the extent of rising global tensions, availability of nuclear weapons and the increasing spread of religious fanaticism, Humanity's Judgment Day might come sooner than expected.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:06 PM

January 20, 2004

Field of Dreams

In the movie "Field of Dreams" the catch phrase used is "Is this Heaven?" with the reply being "No, it's Iowa." After much anticipation, the "Field of Candidates" has weathered the Iowa caucuses. Let's see whose dreams were realized, and whose were shattered.

No doubt that you've heard by now that our own Bay State Senator John Kerry came in first place. This came as a surprise to many, especially Kerry, whose degree in Personality was earned from the "Mike Dukakis School of Wit and Charm." Kerry continues to attack the Bush Administration for the Iraq War, which Kerry had voted in favor of. Kerry either lacked the guts or the foresight to vote against the war, both of which are disturbing possibilities for a presidential contender. Like so many Democrats, he was likely in fear of being called unpatriotic by the Republicans, which they made a point of doing to anybody who disagreed with them. Sadly, this also included Max Cleland, a Vietnam vet who lost three limbs in that conflict and was pictured alongside Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein in an opponent's campaign ad. When popular sentiment began going against the war (at least with Democrats), Kerry began his opposition to the war. In my Webster's Ninth Collegiate Dictionary, the word "opposition" is on the same page as "opportunism."

In second place came Senator John Edwards of North Carolina with 32 percent of the vote. Edwards toughest task will be proving that just because he's a lawyer it doesn't make him a bad guy, since many people in this country hate lawyers. Edwards is fifty years old, but looks like he's in high school which may pose an additional problem. A pumped up Edwards took the stage late last night and gave a rousing speech, sounding like a confident football coach firing up the troops.

Of course, there's a difference between pumping up the troops and sounding like a madman, which is what Howard Dean wound up doing. Seemingly a shoo-in a few weeks ago, the former Vermont governor finished a surprising and distant third with just 18 percent of the vote. Then, with perhaps a full moon in the sky, in an attempt to rally his supporters, Dean launched into a tirade that was punctuated with a blood-curdling scream, reminiscent of Dracula's insane sidekick Renfield. I half expected Dean to start catching flies and eating them. Though Dean likely scared off a lot of potential supporters with that performance, he may have done wonders to support mental health groups.

It was sad to watch Dean's mental breakdown on national TV, but it was even more sad to watch Dick Gephardt's presidential ambitions fade. By all accounts, Gephardt is an honest and decent man, meaning there's absolutely no place for him in Washington, D.C. The last honest and decent man we elected president was Jimmy Carter. We all know how that turned out. Before I get flack from Reagan supporters, let's remember that he and his successor, George H.W. Bush were neck-deep in the Iran-Contra scandal. I don't even need to detail Bill Clinton's peccadilloes.

Gephardt's situation points out a big problem with our election system. The states that have the first caucuses and primaries get to determine who our candidates are before much of the country has a say. There are 49 more states yet to cast a ballot, but after a poor showing in one he's done? For Gephardt it's like coming up to home plate, taking a strike and being called out.

As bad as Gephardt must have felt, he still did better than Dennis Kucinich. The Democratic Representative from Ohio managed just 1 percent of the vote. Kucinich thanked his voter (personally) before moving on to New Hampshire.

Kucinich's 1 percent was twice the amount that the Rev. Al Sharpton got. Unfortunately for Sharpton, the first two voting events take place in Iowa and New Hampshire, two of the whitest states in the union. When Sharpton and Carol Moseley-Braun entered Iowa, they virtually doubled its minority population. Sharpton can take consolation in the fact that he finished a strong second in the Washington, D.C. primary. Well, he could if that primary counted.

Moseley-Braun dropped out of the race one day after appearing on "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central where she explained why she'd win in Iowa. The few times she got any media coverage she seemed to answer questions directly and make sense. We'll have none of that.

So now it's on to New Hampshire where our neighbors to the north will have the next shot at determining our future.

"Is this political hell?"

"No, it's New Hampshire."

Posted by dmargarita at 1:29 PM

December 8, 2003

Gobble, Gobble Doppelganger

Political opponents of President George W. Bush might call him "two-faced" for his deceptive handling of the war. That insult is figurative, but I'm wondering if that might literally be true.

By now you've all seen the photos of the president carrying a turkey while visiting U.S. troops in Iraq on Thanksgiving. What you may or may not have heard is that it turns out that the bird that Bush was photographed carrying, apparently was a fake or "decoration" turkey, as the White House is calling it. Military sources told reporters that a decorative turkey is a standard feature of holiday chow lines. I'm sure there's nothing that soldiers like better after months of having been a sitting duck (pardon the pun) than to get in line and drool over a delicious looking bird only to be told that it's made of plastic. Ha-ha.

It seemed appropriate to me that Bush was carrying a turkey double while visiting a country whose leader is known to have a number of doubles or "doppelgangers," if you will. Then it hit me. What if it really wasn't George W. Bush? Could it have been a double?

I presume that George W. Bush would've learned from his stint in the National Guard when he went AWOL for the last several months. If you're going to be president, you've got to show up unless you've got someone available to replace you.

After all, the man who made headlines for landing on an aircraft carrier and then swaggering around on deck with a helmet and flight suit would probably not skulk into Baghdad under the cover of darkness, visit some troops in an airplane hanger for a couple of hours and sneak out without everyone knowing about it ahead of time. That's not exactly a "Top Gun" moment.

A Bush double would explain a lot of things. Would the leader of the most powerful military in the history of the world really not know how to pronounce the word "nuclear?" If you haven't heard him, Bush... or whoever he is, says "NU-CU-LER."

Would the real President of the United States do something as bone-headed as challenging guerilla fighters by saying "Bring 'em on!?"

The idea of a double is nothing new. At the end of The Beatles career, word got around that Paul McCartney was in fact dead and had been replaced by a double. Fans began searching songs and album covers for clues. It's time to unravel this Bush mystery the same way.

A review of the president's 2002 State of the Union Address provides some startling clues. When you play a tape of the phrase "axis of evil" backwards it says "live fo sixa," which in Latin means "live for sex." A President of the United States would never publicly state that.

In reference to Iraq the president says "This is a regime that has something to hide from the civilized world." Yes, and so far that something has been Sadaam Hussein.

During an applause break Vice President Dick Cheney can be seen with his hand over Bush's head. In Upper Volta that is considered a sign of death.

At one point he calls Ted Kennedy his friend. Who are we kidding? If he said that at the Republican National Convention, a trap door would open up beneath his feet.

On the other hand, perhaps I'm being overly suspicious. In Iraq, if you have the misfortune to resemble Sadaam Hussein, you have to become his double, which means that your job is to be the mistaken target for a bullet.

In America if you look like the president or someone famous, you can make a living by showing up at parties and impersonating them.

The latter seems pretty easy while the former is probably as tough as a plastic turkey.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:15 PM

October 14, 2003

Glass Houses

Rush Limbaugh may have learned an oft recited lesson recently. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones---or empty prescription bottles.

The conservative talk show host recently admitted that he had an addiction to pain killers after much media speculation that he was under investigation by the authorities. The story was broken by "The National Enquirer," which held the story for two years before publishing it. Now if they'll only release the true story regarding Elvis' whereabouts...

According to the Enquirer (I never thought I'd be saying that), Limbaugh used his housekeeper, Wilma Cline (a name suspiciously similar to Wilhelm Klink), as a go between with his supplier. Limbaugh allegedly would give Cline a cigar box filled with cash and Cline would return with a cigar box filled with pills. If the police hadn't caught onto him, his connection would probably have eventually been derailed when Florida becomes a non-smoking state.

The irony is that Mr. Limbaugh and his conservative cohorts want America to live a kind of "Brady Bunch" kind of life, but Alice the maid never had to score downers for Mike Brady.

I don't wish Mr. Limbaugh ill, although I don't personally agree with him or like him for that matter. There are people I like but disagree with politically, and there are people that I agree with politically but dislike. I neither like nor agree with Rush Limbaugh.

Sadly, his racist, homophobic, mean-spirited and hate-filled rantings have made him enormously popular, not to mention extremely wealthy. Here are just a few of Limbaugh's quotes:

Speculating on why a Mexican national won the New York marathon: "An immigration agent chased him for the last 10 miles."

"When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it's an invitation."

"Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the media."

"One of the things I want to do before I die is conduct the Homeless Olympics...[Events would include] the 10-meter Shopping Cart Relay, the Dumpster Dig, and the Hop, Skip and Trip."

What makes his drug addiction confession so hypocritical is the fact that in the past he has advocated on his radio show that white people who use drugs "ought to be sent up." Still believe in that, Rush?

Limbaugh is getting support from his brethren. Conservative moralist Gary Bauer, best remembered for his run for president...OK, he's best remembered for falling backwards off a stage during a pancake flip-off while running for president, spoke out on Limbaugh's behalf.

Bauer claimed that there's a difference "between people who go out and seek a high and get addicted and the millions of Americans dealing with pain who inadvertently get addicted." Then there are people who send their maid out to get them a high. I guess emotional pain doesn't count in Bauer's book.

It's been a tough stretch for Rush. His drug addiction admission comes on the heels of his resignation as a football analyst commentator for ESPN after stating on the air that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was not as good as the media perceived because "the media has been very desirous to see a black quarterback do well."

Come on, Rush. Couldn't you have just said he was overrated?

What were you smoking?

Posted by dmargarita at 7:04 PM

August 11, 2003

California Dreamin'

What do you get when you put a movie action hero, a diminutive former child star, a noted pornographer, a comedian and a porn actress together in one room? Normally, I'd say the ingredients for a "Saturday Night Live" sketch. In fact though, that's a partial pool of candidates for the race for the California gubernatorial seat.

People often ask me where I get the ideas for my columns. I tell them that all I have to do is pick up a newspaper. Long before I came along, the great humorist Will Rogers said "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." At least in this case, California.

The current occupant of that position, Gray Davis, is in jeopardy of losing that job due to a recall effort financed by Republican Darrell Issa, a man once charged with felony auto theft who went on to make a fortune developing the car alarm. Well, I guess it takes a thief to catch a thief.

The state has been beleaguered by financial problems the last few years brought on initially in part by the Enron inspired energy crisis (boy, deregulation continues to work out well in every industry, doesn't it?) as well as the general downturn in the economy.

As a result, Californians will be asked to decide if they should boot Davis from office and if so, to choose a replacement for him. You wouldn't believe the choices if you didn't read them in the newspapers. Folks, I'm not imaginative enough to make up this list of candidates. There are well over 100 people filing papers to fill the seat. The ones mentioned here are perhaps the most notable. Frightenening...

The leading candidate, which if you haven't been living on a deserted island, is actor Arnold Schwarzenegger (my spell-check just had a nervous breakdown). Arnold, like everyone, has his share of baggage. His physique as a young man probably wasn't the result of just eating Wheaties and his father was a Nazi. In Hollywood those are lesser sins than having a bad opening weekend at the box office for your film.

Then there's the watermelon-smashing comedian, Gallagher. Well, the state's already a financial mess. Might as well make it a sticky one.

Among the other choices is former child actor Gary Coleman, from the TV show "Diff'rent Strokes." Of course sound bites and one-liners pop up in every political debate, if they have one. How much do you want to bet that at some point Coleman will respond to Arnold with "What 'choo talkin' 'bout, Arnold?" I guess governor would be a good career move for Coleman who at one point had been working as a security guard.

Next, let's move on to pornographer Larry Flynt. The man publishes "Hustler Magazine," which features raunchy photos of naked people performing all sorts of sex acts... at least that's what I've heard.

Politics seems to attract a lot of people from the porn industry (by the way, when did "porno" become "porn?"). A 22-year- old porn actress has thrown her hat, as well as her garter, bra and panties into the ring.

Candidate/actress Mary Carey has a unique fiscal plan. She claims they can eliminate the deficit by imposing a tax on breast implants. Yes, in California that really could cut the deficit. She also has a plan to swap guns for x-rated movies to reduce violence. I'm not sure of Ms. Carey's party affiliation. I'm guessing either socialist or social diseaseist.

Politics can get very nasty. Opponents will try to dig up dirt on each other to publicly humiliate the other person. What can you possibly dig up on a porn star that would embarrass her? That she fakes it?

Gray Davis might be a lousy governor, but he shouldn't be blamed for an economic slowdown that was at least partly caused by energy industry types that are associated with the opposing party. The voters of California should vote no to this "re-write."

As for me, I harbor no political ambitions.

I just want to direct.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:36 AM

May 19, 2003

Al Qaeda Reloaded

Hollywood has long known that a successful movie is likely to spawn a successful sequel, hence the highly anticipated "The Matrix Reloaded." The millionaires club in Washington D.C. isn't aware of what urban dwellers have long known: when you turn on the lights and the cockroaches scatter, it doesn't mean that you no longer have cockroaches. You just can't see them for now.

The suspected recent resurgence of the terrorist organization has put them back into the spotlight. They are still led by Osama bin Laden, who continues to urge his followers to commit suicide attacks while never seeming to be willing to sacrifice his own life for the cause.

The organization head has been on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list for years, where he is still listed as "Usama" bin Laden.

The Ten Most wanted list has been a longtime staple of the law enforcement agency's public awareness campaign. I always felt almost a little sorry for the eleventh most wanted guy in America who may have been hoping to crack the Top Ten. There were only two options for advancement available to him. He had to hope that someone in the top ten got captured, or would have to commit a more dastardly crime to boost his ranking.

The FBI's home page states that "more than 440 'top tenners' have been located or apprehended." Excuse me, but "#8220;top tenners?" It sounds like they've rounded up Luciano Pavarotti and Placido Domingo. Either that or the phrase seems like a high school team name.

"Go 'Top Tenners," go!"

There is currently a $25 million reward on bin Laden. News reports continue to speculate that he's along the Afghan/Pakistani border. Since no seems to mentioned that to the FBI, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell them that bin Laden can be found along the Afghan/Pakistani border. When you capture him, I'll take the $25 million in ten's and twentys, please.

The FBI has set up a separate category of the 22 Most Wanted Terrorists, of which bin Laden heads the list. Let's take a look at some of the others, shall we?

Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah---Under "remarks" it states that Abdullah "may wear a mustache." Well, that narrows it down. Of the twenty two suspects on the list, only one sports no facial hair in his photo. It would seem that being clean shaven would make him more distinguishable.

Mohammad Atef---He is believed to be the second in command of Al Qaeda, which means he's just a heartbeat away from bin Laden's job. And you thought Dick Cheney was hiding in a bunker...

Fazul Abdullah Mohammed---According to the FBI, Mohammed "likes to wear baseball caps and tends to dress casually. He is very good with computers." This description has just made a suspect of every kid of color in every mall in America. If the FBI can't bring Mohammed to justice, maybe they can bring justice to Mohammed. As for wearing a baseball cap, it's probably a Yankees hat.

Anas Al Liby---The name "Anas" would be an appropriate one for any of the bums on this list.

Ali Atwa---Should be known as "the guy with the shortest name on the list."

Ayman Al-Zawahiri---He is known as "The Doctor" because he is a physician. Likely takes Wednesday afternoons off from terrorism to play golf.

The war in Iraq took the focus off of the war on terrorism. Adolph Hitler began a war with the Soviet Union before he concluded his war with the allies, forcing the Germans to fight a war on two fronts. We all know how that turned out. To quote an old saying, "Those that don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

Perhaps we should take into account that it's been long speculated that the one creature that would survive anything, including a nuclear holocaust, is the cockroach.

Posted by dmargarita at 12:11 PM

April 21, 2003

Looting Stars

The cradle of civilization has been anything but civilized.

Over a month ago the United States started a war that the president said was to keep the peace and disarm the Iraqi regime of weapons that it has yet to prove that the Iraqi's possessed. It is certainly possible that the cretin known as Saddam Hussein has chemical weapons, since he is known to have used them previously, but none were discovered by Hans Blix, who is the head of the U.N. weapons inspection team and that body's answer to Col. Klink.

"Sadaaaam! Where are those weapons of mass destruction?! Hmmmmmph!"

The bulk of the fighting seems to have come to an end and we've been provided with images of Iraqi civilians looting and looking like those crazed shoppers barging through the door of Filene's Basement during their annual Christmas sale.

Years of U.N. sanctions, plus Hussein's greed in hording supplies meant for Iraqi citizens have resulted in the average Iraqi having nothing. With the regime in tatters, the citizens of the country seem determined to take back what they were deprived of. Judging by what we've seen on TV, the Hussein regime had been denying the Iraqi people one thing in particular----furniture.

Constant shots of people wheeling desks, couches, TV's, filing cabinets and chairs out of buildings are being shown on the daily TV news. With such an apparent desperate need for furniture and an increased focus on homeland security, Bernie and Phil had better put armed guards at the doors of their furniture stores.

One image showed a boy carrying a vase large and expensive looking enough to be pronounced "vaaaz."

Another was of an enterprising gentleman who decided that what he was owed by the regime was a city bus. He used his crane to try to confiscate the bus, but it proved too unwieldy to maneuver. Suppose he had gotten away with it. What would he possibly do with a bus? Bus pool the kids to school?

After order is restored, if civil authorities try to recover government property it will be difficult to retrieve certain items. That lamp in someone's house might be government property or it might've been bought at a street bazaar. Go ahead and prove I stole it. A bus will be a little tougher to hide.

"Uh..my grandfather left me this bus in his will, officer."

Many museums and libraries were looted of priceless and irreplaceable artifacts.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has characterized the situation as "untidiness."

I guess he would define the pillages of Attila the Hun as "downright unkempt."

The U.S. forces are still pursuing members of the Iraqi regime, going so far as to provide soldiers with a deck of cards with the Most Wanted Baath Party members' pictures printed on them. The troops can then familiarize themselves with their likenesses while playing solitaire.

"The red Defense Minister goes on the black Interior Minister."

With 55 cards in the deck, I'm assuming there are three jokers, or "court jesters."

One man who was highly visible to the world and is not in the deck of cards is Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the Iraqi Minister of Information, who staunchly refuted the presence of U.S. troops in Baghdad, all the while coalition forces guns boomed in the near distance.

I suspect his next post might be "The Minister of Denial."

Indeed, the U.S. believes that they have killed Ali Hassan al-Majid, known as "Chemical Ali" for his use of poison gas to massacre as many as 100,000 Kurds.

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" was pretty bad karma, for "Chemical Ali."

Last week Special Forces raided the home of Rihab Taha, the head of Iraq's microbiology unit, also know by the nickname &"Dr. Germ."

There are many more top level officials being hunted, but I suspect that Chemical Ali and Dr. Germ represent the highest ranking James Bond villains in the Baath Party.

Restless citizens are getting impatient and angry with the U.S. while they desperately wait for running water and electricity to be restored.

Perhaps we should make sure we also give them a matching carpet and drapes.

Posted by dmargarita at 3:42 PM

January 27, 2003

A State Address

This week President Bush made his State of the Union address. I can't make fun of it because I'm writing this the night before he delivered it, and though we all have a pretty good idea of what he'll talk about, without specifics I'd just be shooting in the dark.

Yes, he could really fool us all and talk about his favorite "Ghostbusters" movie, but that's not likely.

The president hails from the state of Texas, a state where ten-gallon hats are common and the drawls are as thick as the mud from a polecat's paw (huh?). Of course, had the south won the Civil War, Mr. Bush would not necessarily be president.

This got me to thinking what the President of the Confederacy?s speech would be like if they had won the war. So, here is my "State of the Confederacy" address.

Mind you, this is imagining a worst case scenario in which the South had won and the slave owner mentality were still in existence. It is not intended to reflect anyone today but to poke fun at those who would hold slaves.

The President: My fellow Southern Americans, fellow slave holders, rebels, Momma, Cousin Ginny, the Gatlin Brothers, Klansmen, my brother Jim Bob and all the good citizens of the Confederate States of America, howdy. It is my pleasure and honor to address this esteemed body, and speaking of esteemed bodies, did y'all see Shania Twain at the Super Bowl? Wooo-eeeee! Damn, that woman is hot!

As I was saying, it is a pleasure to address the lawmakers of the Confederacy here in the nation's capitol of Richmond, and all the folks watching at home.

As you all know, the economy has been struggling lately. The boycott of southern goods by our brothers in the north has hurt us. Their decision to not trade with us until we abolish slavery has hurt us, but we will not succumb to their blackmail. And while we're on the subject of black mail, by executive order slaves will no longer be allowed to send mail to relatives in the north.

Relations with the north have been strained. We have reason to believe that they possess weapons of mass destruction, especially since they dropped two atomic bombs on Japan in 1945.

They continue to threaten our southern way of life, and so they must disarm or be disarmed. There must be regime change in the north. I call upon the people of the north to rise up and depose their leaders.

As for the slavery situation, it is a tradition that we must continue. We fought a great war from 1861-1865 to ensure state's rights. Mainly, the right to hold other human beings as slaves.

Cotton continues to be the staple of our economy. Staples are also selling very well. Our main competition comes from China, whose slave labor works for even less than our slaves, who work for nothing. Y'all sure gotta admire 'em.

Illegal immigration continues to be a problem. Vermont, New Hampshire and Connecticut have seen many of their natives overstay their visas in our country, for the purpose of freeing slaves. These rogue states, an "axis of Yankees" must not be permitted to continue to sponsor these acts of terror. Those who harbor terrorists will have to answer to us, whether they're up north or in the harbor.

Of course we must continue to enjoy the finer things in life like, "Hee Haw," Jack Daniels and the national pastime, NASCAR racing.

To all of you Confederates I say good night and God bless.

To all of you Stonehamites, ditto.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:06 AM

January 13, 2003

A Taxing Situation

The Bush administration has unveiled it's tax plan that it says will get the economy moving. It seems that they've identified the problem that's led to the nation's economic slide

Democrats say that the plan mainly involves tax cuts designed to benefit the rich. Republicans say that it is only fair since the wealthy pay more in taxes. In response, Democrats say that the wealthy should pay more in taxes because they have more money to be taxed. I say we start a fund-raiser for the wealthy called "Rich Aid."

According to the President, the tax cuts will provide an economic stimulus because if more people get money back, they'll spend it, thus keeping more people employed and revving up the nation's economic engine.

Even if they are being taxed at a greater rate than the rest of us, the rich still have a lot more money left afterwards. If they didn't they wouldn't be rich, they'd be poor or at least middle class, since by definition, "rich" means having a lot of money. So, since they still have a lot of money and apparently aren't spending it, I can only conclude that the rich aren't rich enough. The President contends that the tax cuts are needed so that people can spend the money to stimulate the economy, and because the rich will be getting most of the money, the President must also conclude that the rich don't have enough money.

Many politicians like to make a "no new taxes" pledge when running for office, and then don't seem to be too keen on fulfilling that pledge once elected.

The current President Bush's father made the famous quote during the 1988 campaign, "read my lips, no new taxes."

President Bush the elder, then went and raised taxes. Guess who didn't get reelected. The electorate didn't bother to respond verbally to Mr. Bush, instead flipping him the bird and electing Bill Clinton.

In fairness, we may have misunderstood him. Since we only got the quote verbally, it?s quite possible that what he really meant was "know new taxes" in which case he wouldn't have been lying, just warning us.

Newly elected Governor Mitt Romney waited for the lettering paint to dry on his office door before deciding that new taxes might be a necessary step, despite adamantly campaigning on a "no new taxes" pledge. Of course he doesn't call them taxes, he calls them "fees." That distinction is like saying "Officer, I didn't steal the money from the bank, I 'borrowed' it."

Semantics are important in politics. When the Democrats tried to halt or slow down the tax cut, fearing that it would blow up the deficit, President Bush tried to paint it as a tax increase. You've got to admire the guy. How many people can claim with a straight face that NOT having a tax cut is in fact a tax increase?

I've decided to adopt this type of reasoning. To the outside world it may appear that I'm not currently dating anyone, but using the Bush logic, I can say that I am in reality "getting it" constantly.

So, I guess that in politics it often comes down to what side of the semantic coin your position is. Well, I guess that also depends on what your definition of "is" is.

Posted by dmargarita at 8:10 PM

December 22, 2002

A New Christmas Tale

'Tis the season to be jolly and to try to remember to be good to thy fellow man and thy fellow woman, for that matter. As children gleefully anticipate the toys that Santa will bring, we should also keep in mind that we are on the precipice of a war with Iraq. Almost daily President Bush seems to make a statement designed to push the U.S. towards war with the seeming anticipation of a child waiting to open his presents at Christmas time.

What better way to take a look at the impending war than through the Christmas lens? Here is my ode to the President?s inclination for the war set to a well-known Christmas poem.

'Twas the night before Christmas and at the White House
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse
The leaders hoped Santa would bring in his sack
Just one valid reason to level Iraq

Young George was upstairs asleep in his bed
while visions of airstrikes just danced in his head
He'd told the whole world that "we must get Saddam
'cause there's always a chance that he'll do someone harm"

He campaigned maintaining "we're not world police"
but now says we must have a war to keep peace
The economy slid in a downward direction
So they talked up a war and won the election

Some thought it foolish, an arrogent error
to start one new war while we're still fighting terror
The President's critics said his will sure did harden
to keep us from asking "where the hell is bin Laden?"

He tried in great vain, like reaching for Heaven
to claim that Saddam was behind 9-11
But that didn?t work 'cause no one would buy it
though we all hate Saddam, who of course did deny it

The world finally made him get the U.N. involved
to hopefully get things peacefully resolved
The hawks in the White House couldn't understand fully
that acting alone made them look like a bully

"On Cheney, on Condi, on Colin and Rummy
we'll show all those liberals who called me a dummy
The last Iraq war did end kind of sloppy
let's clean up the mess that was left by my poppy"

Like any good child whether lassie or laddie
he's after the guy who made a fool of his daddy
"We heard some bad things from Iraqi defectors
so why must we wait for U.N. inspectors?"

The Prez said he had reports to the roof
though never providing undeniable proof
"We can't tip our hand, you'll just have to trust us
he does have the bomb and he simply disgusts us"

The Prez hasn't made the case as of yet
"Let's scare the world, let's embellish the threat
That creep named Hussein just gets under my skin
so in the true spirit of Christmas let the bombing begin"

Here's wishing all of you a safe, happy and joyous holiday season. That's more than the residents of Baghdad are likely to have.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:58 PM

December 10, 2002

Gov't for Sale

I'd better write as much as I can before this newspaper goes bankrupt. Not that I have any reason to believe that this paper is in financial trouble, but everybody else seems to be on the verge of declaring bankruptcy, so why not us?

United Airlines has filed for bankruptcy and now there is the rumor that the Catholic Church is considering doing the same. Perhaps the normal course of action can be reversed and the Catholic Church can file for Chapter 11 and United Airlines can say fifty Hail Mary's.

Considering the size of the national debt, I couldn't help but wonder what the U.S. Government would do if they operated as a business. I suppose that like so many businesses the top corporate executives would make tens of millions of dollars while the rest of us go broke. Wait a minute, that's what is happening! They would probably have to file for bankruptcy and sell off their assets to pay off their creditors. Thus I have tried to imagine what a government bankruptcy sale would look like, and so here it is:

FOR SALE

1. One large white house, location 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. 278 rooms and 46 1/2 baths. Ideal for large families, and families with large political contributors. Features extensive home security devices including landmines and machine gun turrets. Conveniently located near a park.

2. The Capitol building--- Perhaps best known as the model for the Capitol Records logo, this large facility features a high, domed roof with fantastic acoustics. Ideal for recording artists and trampoline enthusiasts.

3. The Washington Monument--- Granted, as a functional building, this phallic-symbol building is limited to mainly being an observation tower, but is always a great conversation piece.

4. The Lincoln Memorial--- This large statue of a former president is perfect for the backyard garden. It can be altered to have President Lincoln spitting water for a fountain, or like the popular cherubic fountains, have the Great Emancipator emanating water from another area.

5. The U.S. Congress--- Sorry, this body of legislators has been off the market for some time. Once owned by the American people, this assembly of legislators has long been owned by special interest groups such as The National Rifle Association and big business interests.

6. The Library of Congress--- With it's numerous book shelves, this building can be easily converted into a video store.

7. The Supreme Court--- This group of seven men and two women are solemn, conservative and dress in long black robes---perfect for any cult looking for new recruits. As for the facility, it features a large room with several benches for mass seating and one long, high bench overlooking the room. This is ideal for anyone looking to stage puppet shows.

8. The U.S. Military--- Kids love to play army, so why not get them the real thing? Think of the hours of entertainment your children will get mobilizing an entire division of soldiers and attacking neighboring kids. Ownership includes access to chemical and biological weapons as well as the anti-dotes to said weapons.

9. The Federal Bureau of Investigation--- This law enforcement agency is perfect for the suspicious married individual, wishing to check up on a spouse. Original owner was a cross-dressing egomaniac willing to ruin innocent lives on a whim. Bureau believed to possess files containing information regarding visits from aliens seeking to colonize the planet (see: X Files).

There you have it. I wonder if they'll take a check?

Posted by dmargarita at 10:19 PM

October 21, 2002

Mass. Motto Madness

The Republican Party traditionally likes to paint itself as the "anti-tax," small government party, but recently the current gubernatorial administration caused an uproar when it announced how it had spent $300,000 of your taxpayer money when choosing a new state tourism slogan.

It seems that Paul Sacco, the director of Travel and Tourism opted for the lame "Massachusetts...Make it Yours."

That's $75,000 per word.

This slogan is not only boring, it's not even original. It seems to be little more than a rip-off of the Dukakis-era "Make it in Massachusetts" slogan. They just substituted the word "yours" for the word "in" and rearranged the words a little.

Since all you need to do is rearrange words to make big bucks, I might as well write a soliloquy that says "Not to be, or to be."

If nothing else, it's a good slogan for English classes to practice their conjugations on.

"Massachusetts...Make it yours."
"Massachusetts...Make it mine."
"Massachusetts...Make it ours."
"Massachusetts...Make it theirs."

It sounds like something that a spoiled child might take advantage of.
"OK, Massachusetts is mine. Everybody get out."

Over the summer the Office of Travel and Tourism held a public contest, promising a free weekend vacation to the winning contestants. Among the 400 submissions were:

"Massachusetts: Where Freedom Begins"
"Mass. is Magic" and
"Come Share the Common Wealth"

In my humble opinion, all of these are much better than their final choice. But nooooooooo, they had to go pay a professional $300,000 for the lame "Massachusetts...Make it Yours" slogan.

Here are some alternatives that I'd like to suggest:

"At Least We're Not Rhode Island"
"We Call it Mass. Because We Can't Spell It Either"
"Gateway To New Hampshire"
"Gas Stations Galore"
"None of Us Really Talk Like the Kennedys"
"Land of Political Patronage"

Some states have mottos that have become quite well known, such as:

"Virginia is for Lovers" and
"I Love N.Y."

I can only speculate on some other states.

"Nevada is For Gamblers and Hookers"
"Tennessee is for Drinkers"
"Florida is for Retirees"
"I Sort of Like Pennsylvania"

Of course, state tourism mottos are not to be confused with license plate mottos. Some of the better known of those are:

New Hampshire---"Live Free or Die"
Many others have pointed out the irony of this slogan being on a license plate, since license plates are usually made by prisoners.

Missouri---"Show Me State"
I'm assuming this was dreamed up by a flasher.

North Carolina---"First in Flight"
This refers to the Wright brothers making the first airplane flight at Kitty Hawk, N.C.

Ohio---"Birthplace of Flight"
Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't North Carolina "First in Flight?" They were, but the Wright brothers were born in Ohio and the Buckeye state apparently feels that it has nothing of it's own to brag about, so why not steal another state's motto? You may ask why don't they go with "The Buckeye State?" Because according to my dictionary a buckeye is "a shrub of the horse-chestnut family."

Pennsylvania---"You've Got a Friend in Pennsylvania"
That's good to know when you need bail money at three o'clock in the morning and have just one phone call.

"Hello, operator? Get me someone in Pennsylvania. Anyone. They're all friends of mine."

Well, I don't personally think that this was $300,000 well spent, but if one is getting paid $75,000 per word in this state, my next check from this paper for this column should be for $43.3 million.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:50 PM

September 18, 2002

War is Heck

In 1986 Bruce Springsteen released a live version of the song War, a cover of the 1970 Edwin Starr song. The lyrics are pretty simple:

War (grunt)
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing
War (vocal wail)
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing

A pretty popular statement to make that wasn�t going cause divisiveness in the country in an era when we weren�t officially engaged in active combat, as was the case when Starr�s version appeared. Sure, a few years earlier our troops went on a little field trip to Grenada, but in �86 an anti-war song was not irrelevant, but perhaps not urgently needed. It�s a little like doing a rain dance during a hurricane.

President Bush and many White House hawks seem to be itching to invade Iraq and take out Saddam Hussein. It�s ironic that from what you read in the newspapers that Secretary of State (and former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff) Colin Powell, and pentagon officials, in other words, people who know what it�s like to be shot at, were purportedly against invading Iraq.

World opinion seems to be against Bush, particularly from such allied countries as Germany and France. Well, I guess France should be no surprise since the only thing you can count on France for, is not being counted on. However, even the Germans have been vociferous in their opposition to invading Iraq, and when you can�t get Germans to want to invade a country...

Things seem to be stirring with Gen. Tommy Franks moving his U.S. Central Command headquarters from Tampa to Qatar, perhaps figuring that it might be best to finally be in roughly the same time zone as the war that your overseeing.

What made Tampa the ideal place to fight a war in Afghanistan is beyond me. That would be like Ike directing the Normandy invasion form Cleveland. I can only surmise that he is a Tampa Bay Devil Rays fan who wants to be close to his team. He has appeared at least a few games there that I�ve seen, as if the team doesn�t have enough problems.

That the team is in last place, some 45 games behind the Yankees is no doubt the main reason that their attendance has been lagging. Nor it is an incentive for fans to come to games, knowing that one of Al Qaeda�s top targets is going to be in the building.

The president who campaigned decrying nation-building, is involved in one war in which he�s nation-building and is eager to start another war which will require nation-building. Even if we win the war quickly, how long will we have to remain there?

Much of the Muslim world already hates our guts and invading a Muslim country is not exactly going to get them to want to start a softball team together.

The president claims Saddam has �weapons of mass destruction� yet never produces evidence. If he does possess such materials and we attack, he�ll have nothing to lose, so what�s to prevent him from using them? If he knows he�s a marked man, why wouldn�t he?

Saddam is a bad guy, as are most leaders who plaster giant pictures of themselves in public places.

The administration is awfully eager to go into battle, and it seems that they can�t wait to force congress to vote so that they can use the war as an issue in the upcoming elections.

So, what�s a little bloodshed if you can re-take the Senate?

Posted by dmargarita at 6:55 PM

August 2, 2002

Rights and Wrongs

I was going to write once again about the ongoing Ted Williams saga, but then another story in the news piqued my interest and I thought I'd give a Ted a proper rest for a week, which is more than his family seems capable of doing.

Last week on Beacon Hill, the members of the House of Representatives approved a bill that would weaken current gun control legislation and would allow convicted felons to legally obtain and carry a gun in Massachusetts.

Yes, you read that correctly. I'll even repeat it for you. The members of the House voted overwhelmingly to allow convicted felons to carry guns.

I knew that the gun lobby was powerful, but I have to wonder if the convicted felon lobby made their presence known as well.

Did our legislators conclude that we're not getting enough guns into the hands of convicted felons? Was there a debate on the Hill about how we should be arming our citizenry?

I don't know what went on over there, but it's hard to believe that some lawmakers sat around and decided that what's wrong with society is that convicted felons aren't properly armed. Here's how I imagine the debate must've gone.

"Mr. Speaker, it is the duty of this body to take into consideration those who have to do without. We, and we alone have the power to correct a terrible injustice. Why, as I speak there are dozens, possibly hundreds of convicted felons roaming our streets unarmed. Until we can put guns in their hands, none of us can walk the streets safely."

The argument by backers of the bill is that the current law penalizes someone who committed an offense years ago, preventing them doing something like joining the police force.

"There are too many people who were convicted of a simple assault or battery" the Boston Globe quotes Timothy J. Toomey, a Cambridge Democrat and lead sponsor of the bill as saying (quite possibly with a large man named Bruno standing behind him). By all means, those are people that we need to give guns to.

Like the simple assault and battery that Inglewood, Ca. police officer Jeremy Morse was caught on videotape giving to 16-year old Donovan Jackson? Good thing we got him a job on the force.

No doubt there are miscarriages of justice and people who are a victim of circumstance, but lawmakers might want to take into consideration that the bulk of convicted felons, are people who have been found guilty of committing felonies. Just in case you're wondering, here's a list of some felonies:

1. Murder
2. Rape
3. Kidnapping
4. Armed robbery
5. Arson

There are more that I wouldn't even list in a family newspaper. Sounds like the kind of folks you want to have over for dinner, and introduce to your daughter, eh?

It seems odd that a convicted felon loses his right to vote, but should have the right to acquire a gun.

"Look pal, you can have all the guns you want, but don't even think about touching a ballot!"

What's next? Getting discount memberships to dating services for convicted rapists?

Posted by dmargarita at 7:36 PM

June 12, 2002

Mass. Highway v. Stoneham

I hate getting up in the morning. I'm going to hate getting up in the morning even more when there's a highway off-ramp in my backyard.

For this reason, I made my way to the Stoneham High auditorium last week where members of Mass. Highway met with Stoneham citizens to discuss future plans regarding the proposed Rt. 93/95 interchange redesign. It was the first time I sat for an event in this auditorium since attending the 1981 Carnival Ball. Had the king and queen of that ball, Amy Boris and Kevin Maguire, been on hand on this particular evening, they would have recognized it less as a ball, and more as a carnival.

Being a government bureaucrat speaking to a group of taxpayers, one tends to be about as popular as Al Sharpton at a Klan rally. As a result I actually felt some sympathy for the evening's moderator, Stanley Wood, the project manager who got booed when he introduced himself.

Mr. Wood, a quiet, self-effacing man was taunted from the beginning. One heckler accused him of just being there to collect overtime pay, which Mr. Wood initially ignored but later explained that he was on salary and thus not being paid for his appearance.

He started by telling us that we'd have to think "outside the box." I've never understood this expression, and have yet to find anyone standing next to a box, thinking. It seems to me one can think in a box, outside of a box, next to a box or nowhere near a box. He used the phrase "outside the box" a number of times, and I resisted the temptation during the question and answer period to ask him "boxers or briefs?"

He then asked to have the lights turned off to show us some projections on a screen. The lights were turned off and Mr. Wood realized then that he couldn't see and asked that at least one light be turned on so he could read his notes. The same heckler then shouted "Now your in the dark like we were!" which drew some "oohs" from the crowd.

Next came Rod Emery from Edwards and Kelsey, designers of the interchange. He spent most of his time at the podium telling us what he would talk about.

This brought Mark Abbott to the podium who had the lights dimmed again to show us what traffic projections would look like in the year 2025. I found this unconvincing however, as there were no hovercrafts included. I can't tell you too much about what Mr. Abbott said because, I don't wish to be unkind, but he was not the most scintillating speaker of the evening. In high school when the lights went off and I got bored while watching a filmstrip, my mind would wander and I'd think about girls. Needless to say, my mind wandered on this evening and I found myself thinking about women. I haven't really changed that much since high school.

A few speakers later Mr. Wood asked if there were any politicians who'd like to speak, which is like asking if there are any children who would like ice cream.

After some speeches by the local pols, there was a Q &A session in which citizens wound up heckling each other as much as the Mass. Highway officials.

I decided I'd had enough and decided to go home and watch the rest of it on local cable access TV.

There's an old saying that "You can't fight City Hall."

This may or may not be true and if you can't fight a stationary building, you probably don't have much of a chance against a moving bulldozer.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:23 PM

March 11, 2002

CAUTION: Democracy at Work

It sat there staring at me, taunting me. An empty computer screen, an electronic blank piece of paper, if you will. I continued to mock me, daring me to fill it with humorous script.

I had a few ideas of what to write about, but nowhere to go with them, and thus my predicament. I had all day to write, but I wanted to get it written before Town Meeting. Then it occurred to me; what could possibly have more comic potential than a town full of concerned citizens arguing over its future?

It was hot and stuffy inside the gymnasium of Stoneham High School where Town Meeting had been moved to due to last weeks overwhelming turnout at Town Hall. By the way, I don't understand the grammar rule that says it should be referred to as "Town Meeting" instead of "The Town Meeting." That's kind of like saying "I'm going to concert tonight."

The first issue of the night was an article to procure funding for drainage work in the Robin Hood area. It seems that since the building of a housing development the neighborhood has been the scene of some post rain flooding for many area homes. The good people of Stoneham voted in favor of the drainage work and there was no anti-drainage lobby to fight it.

Then came the issue that all had been waiting for (except the people whose houses had been flooding), the funding of $6 million to continue with the reconstruction of some schools.

Several town officials began to make the case in favor of the funding. I got the gist of it, but there were more graphs and charts than Ross Perot's 1992 presidential campaign.

This is about when I began to drift off. My mind wandered back to when I attended this school in it's previous capacity as a junior high. I thought of this very gym where Mr. Giannino would tell one of two selected squads to "turn to blue." The designated team would remove their reversible t-shirts and switch to the blue side of the shirt and become the "blue squad." This practice ended a year or two later with the introduction of co-ed gym.

I remembered how a year or two later, during co-ed gym a vaulting mishap nearly made me a co-ed.

The floor was thrown open to debate and a motion was made to have a secret ballot, to the consternation of many.

One citizen opened his remarks by saying, "Do me a favor. Don't stop loving your kids." Good advice for those that were considering that option. He than began to draw jeers from the crowd when talked about the problem of "alien children" having entered our schools. The moderator admonished him for straying from the subject at hand, which was fortunate for the citizen because I think I saw a few of the alien parents ready to vaporize him with their phasers.

The doors were locked and at 9:32 I voted, if for no other reason than to stretch my legs. The motion was carried overwhelmingly 1065 to 239 and the crowd erupted with applause at hearing the final tally, or perhaps the fact that they could leave.

The wait to leave the high school premises brought to mind an issue that I hope may one day be taken into consideration: another entrance/exit to the high school grounds.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:27 PM

February 20, 2002

President's Day Thoughts

I hope you all are rested and relaxed after your Presidents Day long weekend, which you probably are after your President's Day parties and cookouts. There is some confusion as to whether we celebrate the combined birthdays of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington on this day, or all of our presidents. For that matter, you can celebrate the president of Harvard if you like.

Every President these days seems to be concerned with his legacy, and the building of a library. I can imagine what types of books might be found on the shelves of our more recent President's libraries.

Lyndon Johnson---Zane Grey novels, Guns and Ammo magazines, Soldier of Fortune magazines.

Jimmy Carter---Little House on the Prairie novels, Martha Stewart Living, Sea Power and it's Relation to the War of 1812 (I actually have this book).

Ronald Reagan---None.

Gerald Ford---The History of Saturday Night Live.

John F. Kennedy---The Karma Sutra, Harold Robbins novels, and Sex for Dummies.

Bill Clinton---The Karma Sutra, Harold Robbins novels, and Sex for Dummies.

Of course we think of our greatest President's, but I think it's time we commemorate some of our lesser-known former Commander's-in-Chief, who as Red Buttons would say, "Never got a library."

Millard Fillmore---Best known today for having a fictional high school in Brooklyn named after him on the 1970's TV show Welcome Back, Kotter. Fillmore was a member of the Whig Party, which is nothing like a Tupperware Party. After his unsuccessful term, he joined the Know Nothing Party, which was the worst named political party since the "Don't Vote for Us" party.

Zachary Taylor---Remembered by many today as the guy they dug up in 1991 to see if he had been poisoned to death. On July 4, 1850, Taylor fell ill and died. Rumors have long since persisted that he was murdered. Using DNA technology, scientists were able to determine that Taylor had not been poisoned. This was a great relief to me, as I did not have an alibi.

James K. Polk---A lot of people today might ask, "Who is James K. Polk?" Ironically, in 1844 the Whig Party derisively asked "Who is James K. Polk?" Sadly, I'm not making that up.

Franklin Pierce---The only President to hail from New Hampshire was an alcoholic. It was likely his idea to put liquor stores on the highway's entering New Hampshire. Not known if it was also his idea to put fireworks stores around a nuclear power plant at Seabrook.

William Henry Harrison---Chiefly remembered today for giving a long inaugural speech that resulted in him catching pneumonia and dying a month into his term.

Benjamin Harrison---Chiefly remembered as being the grandson of William Henry Harrison. After what has been called the most corrupt campaign in American history, he was elected on the electoral college, even though Grover Cleveland had won the popular vote. Gee... this sounds familiar.

Warren G. Harding---Also presided over one of the most corrupt administrations in history, he had the good sense to die in office. You won't have Warren G. Harding to kick around anymore. Well, I guess they could dig him up to kick around like Zachary Taylor.

Well, now that it is after President's Day I can start my discount after-President's Day shopping.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:26 PM

January 16, 2002

A Twist of Fate

Recently we have received news reports of videotapes and documents found at Al Qaeda training camps detailing sophisticated plans and materials for terrorist attacks on United States targets and facilities. The terrorists apparently didn't have time to destroy the materials, or perhaps only managed to destroy their Sweatin' to the Oldies tapes.

One videotape purportedly shows terrorists posing as golf caddies who eventually pull out Kalishnakov rifles and blast away at a cardboard cut out of a dignitary. So what kind of a dignitary would pick an Al Qaeda member to be his caddie? It seems to me that dignitaries would usually have some sort of security people around them who would probably carry their bags and aren?t likely to select the guy reading the Koran with the funny looking ball retriever slung over his shoulder to be his caddie.

Government officials have let us know of the sophisticated weaponry that these people have acquired. Yet none of those were needed to bring down the President recently when the most powerful man in the world was briefly taken out of commission by a pretzel. (This would be an opportune time to paraphrase the old Chevy Chase joke that
"alert Secret Service agents seized the pretzel and wrestled it to the ground.")

When terrorists attacked the World Trade Center last September, the President cited it as an example of why the U.S. must pursue the Strategic Defense Initiative, or "Star Wars" as it is commonly known, which would have been useless in the attacks. Mr. Bush may want to reconsider his priorities and develop a Strategic Dough Initiative, or "Snack Wars" defense. The administration has voiced concerns that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is developing weapons of mass destruction, but shouldn't the concern now be that he's developing high cholesterol snacks?

Considering how foreigners have been rounded up in the aftermath of the attacks, the F.B.I. might have to start rounding up such threatening characters as Mr. Peanut, The Big Fig Newton, and those truly frightening M&M creatures.

Had the Commander-in-Chief choked to death, it would have become the nation's most ignominious presidential death, surpassing that of William Henry Harrison, who's lengthy inauguration speech caused him to catch pneumonia, from which he died a month later.

This not the first time that a President George Bush has passed out. Many of you may recall that the current president's father passed out after throwing up on the Japanese Prime minister at a dinner in Tokyo in 1992. No doubt, the elder Bush being the consummate gentleman and experienced diplomat told his Japanese counterpart "You must come to Washington and throw up on me sometime."

Of course had the elder Bush kept his wits about him, in an effort to save face he could have told the Japanese Prime Minister that in America, throwing up on someone is considered a sign of great respect.

Political pundits have noted that the current president has gone to great lengths to avoid making the same mistakes as his father. For example he has made it a point to focus on the economy, placate the right wing of his party, and not throw up on foreign dignitaries.

When informed that most Americans feel that since September 11 he has passed muster, the President allegedly replied that he prefers ketchup.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:29 PM

November 28, 2001

Military Tribunals

Civil rights advocates have been up in arms over recent Bush administration actions in the war against terrorism that threaten to be the biggest assault on the concept of "due process" since Dean Wormer imposed "double-secret probation" on Delta House in the 1978 movie, Animal House.

There have always been limits to our freedoms, particularly when concerning public safety. Most famously is the matter of free speech in which Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes declared that you "can't yell 'fire' in a crowded theater," unless of course, there is a fire. That's not information that you should keep to yourself. Presumably, Justice Holmes was referring to the act of intentionally espousing inaccurate information that may cause a "clear and present danger" to the public and immediate harm.

For example: in mid-flight on a 747 it would be improper to yell, "I've got a bomb" for your own amusement when in reality, you do not have one. On the other hand, let's say you and you're date are at the theater one evening, and on your way back from the rest room you notice a small fire in the corner. It would be advisable in this situation to inform others of this fact rather than keeping mum and sneaking out a back door and taking a cab home.

The administration has declared that foreigners charged with crimes could be tried in secret by a military tribunal without a jury, and defendants won't have the same access to evidence as in a civilian trial. The President has used historical precedent to justify this, noting that past presidents have used extraordinary measures during wartime. This follows the time-honored tradition of thinking that because someone did something a long time ago, it's O.K. to do it now. Using this rationale, one could argue that it's O.K. to pillage and murder because Genghis Khan did it.

Some of our earlier Presidents had slaves. Does anyone think we should we resume that practice? More recently, F.D.R had Japanese-Americans interned in camps during the war. Since we were also fighting Italy at the time, how come we didn't imprison Joe DiMaggio as well?

The U.S. has always been quick to criticize other countries for conducting secret trials, most notably when American Lori Berenson was accused of aiding rebels in Peru. Officials in Washington rightfully screamed until Peru relented and gave her a public civilian trial.

Congress already passed tougher laws after the Sept., 11 attack, known as the U.S.A. Patriot Act which is actually an acronym for the Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001. This could just as easily been called the Uniting and Strengthening America by Treating Rapscallions And Instigators To Our Revenge (or the U.S.A. Traitor Act).

Attorney Field Marshall,uh, General John Ashcroft announced that the justice department would eavesdrop on conversations between defendants and their lawyers, violating a sacred principle of the American judicial system. So who?'s going to talk openly to their lawyer if they know they're being listened to?

Officials have detained some 1200 Arabic men and plan to question some 5000 Arabic students as a security measure. Civil libertarians have complained that this amounts to racial profiling. In fairness, the Sept. 11 attack as well as the first WTC bombing, the bombing of two U.S. embassies in Africa, the highjacking of the Achille Lauro and subsequent murder of wheelchair-bound passenger Leon Klinghoffer, the millennium bomb plot, and various other actions were not taken by members of the Swedish bikini team. People of Arab/Muslim persuasion took these actions.

So, should we scrutinize visa applicants more closely?

Sure.

Tighten security?

Absolutely.

Adopt a Stalinist legal standard?

Well...

We managed to catch, try and convict those responsible for the first WTC attack, although no one noticed because we were more concerned with Bill Clinton's relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

Perhaps some people don't think that the American courts are tough enough. Then they've never seen Judge Judy.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:38 PM

May 9, 2001

Gee Whiz, It�s the President

As a Red Sox fan and a registered Democrat, last Friday was a doubly painful experience watching Roger Clemens and last year�s World Series winners, the New York Yankees being greeted by George W. Bush at the White House. Regular readers of this space know that I am an avid baseball fan and can appreciate someone else�s love of the game, but I am a little uneasy about the amount of giddiness that the leader of the free world seems to have around Major League ballplayers.

In March, the President invited some forty retired ballplayers, the heroes of his youth, to the White House where he gleefully hobnobbed with the Hall of Fame legends.

By contrast, Bill Clinton over the years consistently used public office as a means to meet women. For all the hits that Clinton took on the morality issue, to me that one seems a little less unsettling than the idea of the most powerful man in the world chasing Yogi Berra to get an autograph.

While President, Bush�s father presented visiting British Prime Minister John Major with an autographed baseball bat and it�s not hard to imagine the younger Bush trying to impress some emir with his Mickey Mantle Topps baseball card collection.

I have a mental picture of Bush�s bedroom or even the Oval Office being decorated with pennants and Derek Jeter posters in some sort of modern day Beaver Clever fashion. I suppose that Dick Cheney has already informed him that the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) wasn�t set up specifically so that Bush could trade three Carl Yastrzemski cards for two Hank Aaron�s, and that you can�t put baseball cards in the spokes of Air Force One.

One of the most fabled stories in sports is that of Babe Ruth visiting the bedside of a gravely ill youngster and promising to hit him a home run in return for the kid�s healthy recovery. I fear that Bush may try to emulate the Babe and attempt to mollify some ill youngster. Let�s go now to the bedside of young Johnny Sylvester, III.

Bush
Hi Johnny. You know who I am?

Johnny
Gosh, you�re the president.

Bush
That�s right Johnny. I hear you�re pretty sick. You got a radio, Johnny?

Johnny
Sure. It�s a swell radio.

Bush
Tomorrow, I want you to listen to that radio, Johnny. I�m gonna bomb some third world nation. When I do, it�ll be for you, Johnny. You�ve got to promise me that when those bombs fall, you�ll get better. Is it a deal?

Johnny
Sure, Mr. President.

One of Bush�s campaign ideas was to allow individuals to invest their Social Security money, which sounded like a good idea to some while last year�s high-tech driven economy was still red-hot. Now that the economy has cooled off, Bush may advise people that they should invest in more traditional and stable commodities like, Nolan Ryan �rookie� cards.

This past Sunday Bush was joined by Red Sox star Nomar Garciaparra in beginning a monthly tradition of playing T-ball games on the White House lawn. Bush admitted that he �peaked� in Little League and after seeing his lame attempt to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the opening of Milwaukee�s new Miller Park, I suspect that he didn�t get a lot of playing time back then. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that he has established this game so that each month he�ll have opponents against whom he can play and over whom he can �rule.�

Posted by dmargarita at 9:50 PM

February 21, 2001

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS, AND CHALLENGERS

Recently in this space I mentioned that I wasn't all that familiar with my local Representatives stances on the issues. When I saw on local cable access a message that there would be a "Breakfast with the Legislators" at the Montvale Plaza, I thought "hurry up and get to the weekly riddle" which incidently is the same one that they've had on for months.

The guests were Sen. Richard Tsei, Rep. Brad Jones, Rep. Paul Casey, Rep. Michael Festa and some guy named "Charlie." I can't tell you Charlie's last name because Charlie was late in arriving, and when he did arrive, he didn't bother to introduce himself, as had the other candidates earlier. Charlie explained that he was late because he was working out at the YMCA, which he says that he always does in lieu of breakfast.

The Stoneham Chamber of Commerce hosted the affair which was emcee'd by the always-entertaining Michael Zizza, of Zizza Insurance and was $15 for Chamber members and $20 for non-members.

First however, came the matter of breakfast. It was a buffet style meal with eggs, bacon, potatoes (the plural for "potato" is when you use an "e," former Vice-President Quayle), bagels and ham. Of course there was coffee, both regular and decaffinated for those of us less in need for a legal buzz. The decaf coffee table was off in the corner away from the regular coffee and the rest of the food, as though it were being segregated. I sort of thought that there should be a sign over it reading "Decaf Only."

I like bagels with sour cream. It's really the sour cream that makes the bagel worth eating. In fact, I dare say that the sour cream "carries" the bagel. The problem is that the amount of bagel greatly exceeds the amount of sour cream that you put on it. Thus, you have devoured the sour cream before you've finished the bagel and the only reason that you finish the bagel is out of guilt. You don't want to waste food and you feel that you owe it to the sour cream.

The scambled eggs were delicious. Not too dry, and not too moist. Eggs are not to be eaten too much, we are told. "Cholesterol" was the scare word that we heard. "Stay away from cholesterol" we were told. "They'll take your wallet and sell your women" we were told. Then suddenly it was "Well, stay away from the bad cholesterol." Apparently there was "good" and "bad" cholesterol. So how were supposed to know the difference? I guess the "good" cholesterol wore the white hats and the "bad" cholesterol wore the black hats.

There were a variety of juices on hand. I'm a daily orange juice drinker so I proceeded to the three carafes of juice that I saw. One was apple, one was cranberry and the third was the strangest looking orange juice that I've ever seen. One sip and I realized that the reason it was strange was because it was pineapple juice. The o.j., clearly the post popular morning juice, had it's own, lager container.

Well it turned out to be a pretty good breakfast.

Oh yeah, the politicians? They made some speeches.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:49 PM

February 14, 2001

Another Clinton Investigation

Sept. 3, 2051---Senate Republicans have announced yet another investigation of the administration of former President, Bill Clinton.

The 42nd president, who passed away in 2042, has been accused of leaving an insufficient tip after having dinner at a Bob?s Big Boy in June of 2039.

Representative Bob Barr Jr., who has promised to take up his father's goal of "getting" Clinton, is calling for a full congressional investigation into what is being referred to as "Tipgate." The proceedings could lead to Clinton's fifth impeachment, his fourth since leaving office. His first impeachment after leaving office was as a result of his last minute pardon of billionaire tax evader, Marc Rich. Clinton was acquitted in that case by a slim 51-49 margin, with his then-wife Hillary, a New York senator, voting against him. The Clinton's later divorced, with Hillary marrying Louis Farrakhan and Bill eventually living with an unknown actress, Bambi Caine.

Mr. Clinton was initially impeached during his second term for misleading statements he made, in an attempt to hide an affair he had with an intern, Monica Lewinsky, who later went on to notoriety as the spokeswoman for Preparation H.

The current scandal involves an incident where Clinton was dining at the Fayetteville, Arkansas, Bob's Big Boy, when he left what amounted to an 11 percent tip for his "Super Big Boy Combo."

Clinton said at the time, "The fries were cold. I ate 'em anyway, but I would've preferred to have them hot."

Senator Strom Thurmond, who at 148 years old is the ranking member of the Senate, said to reporters, "Heuy hiba eet no bessy igo noove" which opposition party members dismissed as partisan politics.

Having survived Whitewater, Travelgate, Filegate, the Rich pardon, the Dolly Parton affair, the fig newton scandal, and one disastrous season as a cast member on Friends, Clinton is expected to weather yet another storm.

Clinton's last public appearance was at the dedication of Ronald Reagan's face sculpture, which was added to Mt. Rushmore. Construction on the Reagan sculpture began in 2022, but stopped due to a lack of government funding, caused by the stock market crash of 2029, which began when the flying car boom went bust.

Ironically, funding to complete the Reagan sculpture came from Ali Akmah "Butch" Khomeini, great-grandson of Ayatollah Khomeini. Butch Khomeini wanted to express his family's gratitude for Reagan's selling of weapons to their grandfather in the mid-eighties, which led to the Iran-Contra affair. Also on hand were former president George W. Bush, and his brother, current president Marvin Bush. It was the Bush brother's father, George H.W. Bush who pardoned six people from the Reagan administration that were investigated for their role in the Iran-Contra affair, including defense secretary Caspar Weinberger.

Yesterday, Barr told reporters, "I know it's a long shot, but we're going to try to see that justice is done. He's gotten away with questionable land deals, an illicit affair that he tried to cover up, misplaced files, firing people that work for him, pardoning a tax evader, and now this. If he'd sold weapons to a tyrannical dictator and funneled the profits to fight an illegal war and lied about that, I'd understand."

Hearings are expected to begin next week.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:28 PM

December 27, 2000

Arm Chair Commander-in-Chief

Well, despite all the predictions at the end of last year, we survived the Y2K transition and the year as a whole (although technically, there's still a few days to go).

At the end of 1999 some foretold of utter calamity in the year 2000. To hear doomsayers tell it, computers would crash and elevators would stop at mid-floor. Planes, helicopters and possibly even birds would come crashing down from the sky. Someone even told me that VCR's would get messed up because some modern VCR?s included the date and year in addition to the time. I'm still using the VCR that I bought in 1985, so I don't know if it's true or not. Why would anyone need the year on their VCR? When have you ever heard somebody say, "Honey, what year is this?"

If you don't know what year it is, my guess is that you're not capable of programming a VCR.

As peaceful as the transition into the New Year proved to be, the end of the year wound up in turmoil due to the contested presidential election. George W. Bush was finally declared the winner, as you probably know by now (if not, then don't even think about trying to program a VCR).

Bush is now in the process of naming his cabinet and The Washington Post recently reported that Navy folks are pushing to have former Dallas Cowboy quarterback Roger Staubach named Secretary of the Navy. I can see this pick. Bush is a Texan and a sports fan, so it's logical that he might select the former Heisman Trophy winner, NFL Hall of Famer and Naval Academy graduate.

It got me to thinking about some political appointments that I'd make if I were in a position to do so:

Surgeon General---Dr. Bill Lenkitis. Not that he was a hero of mine, but he did play for the Patriots, if we're picking NFL football players. The fact that he's a dentist shouldn't disqualify him, or former Red Sox pitcher and Cy Young award winner, Jim Lonborg, my other choice for the job. Other possible candidates include Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Dr. John.

Attorney General---Judge Wapner. He doesn't fool around. He takes charge of his court and can render a verdict in a half-hour.

Secretary of Education---Maureen McQuinn, my fourth grade teacher. A great teacher and a terrific person.

Secretary of the Interior---Woddy Allen. He may not be qualified for it, but he did make a movie called Interiors. Most people don't even know what the Secretary of the Interior does, anyway. This person is in charge of the National Parks. Shouldn't this job be called the Secretary of the Exterior?

Secretary of State---This is a job that requires diplomacy of the highest order. Someone who can get between two warring parties and get them to put aside their aggression and come to the negotiating table. There is only one person I can think of: Mr. Rogers. How could Yassir Arafat and Ehud Barak possibly refuse any proposals put forth by this gentle soul?

Defense Secretary---Col. Klink. Okay, so he's a fictional character, but I thought I'd give a little tip of the cap here to the late Werner Klemperer, who recently passed away; a fine actor who could never do a serious role again without people saying "Hah! Look, it's Col. Klink!" This is in no way an endorsement of the cause of the Axis powers.

National Security Advisor---James Bond. As long as we're going with fictional characters, this is a no-brainer. If he could handle Goldfinger, Blofeld and Dr. No, then Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden should be no problem.

As you can see, some of the people I would select are fictional characters. We're not likely to see them in office unless the man elected President is my ultimate hero, Homer Simpson.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:45 PM

December 20, 2000

Election Season's Greetings

Well, the Christmas season is finally upon us. Hey, wait a minute---it's still Election season! Since the election season doesn't seem to have it's own holiday songs, I've taken the liberty of borrowing the melodies of some old Christmas classics to create some sing-alongs for this peculiar historical event.

The first is an ode to the bevy, gaggle, herd (or whatever collective noun is proper) of lawyers that are constantly on TV, litigating for their clients/candidates.

God rest ye merry gentleman
who spend your time in court
You seem to spend more time there
Than a sailor does in port
On TV it's too long so I
Just wait for news reports
Then I'll know just what the hell
you're talking about, talking about
Then I'll know just what the hell
you're talking about
**********************************************
To the tune of Silent Night:

Election night
Messed up night
Not one network
Got it right
Counted on exit polls
Tried to be first
The way things worked out
They couldn't look worse
Live with egg on their face
Live with egg on their face
*****************************************************
Jingle bells, something smells
I think it's Florida
Al Gore you can't win there
With a Bush as Governor (duh)
Jingle Bells, something tells
A simple fact to me
You wouldn't now be in this mess
If you'd won Tennessee

Economy is good
But the voters were not swayed
So Bush heads to D.C.
Laughing all the way
(ha ha ha)

If you were somewhat human
You could've had this thing in hand
But you're about as likable
As a ten pound bag of sand
***************************************************

Stack the courts with your own jurists
Fa la la la la la, la la la
That's the goal of political purists
Fa la la la la la, la la la
Some would act with honest bravery
Fa la la la la, la la la
Some would try to bring back slavery
Fa la la la la, la la la
***************************************************

To the tune of The Little Drummer Boy:

They say Bush is dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

So how'd he get this far
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

His grades weren't good in school
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Failed businesses were the rule
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

If his name weren't Bush

Dumb dumb dumb dumb

He'd probably drive a truck

Dumb dumb dumb dumb

Born named Bush his good luck

Dumb dumb dumb dumb

How else could he succeed
Dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumd dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb

As of this writing, the election seems to be drawing to a close, but that's not a given by any means. If you'll excuse me now, I've got to go exchange some Election Day presents.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:35 PM

November 4, 2000

GOD 2000

Recently I saw a bumper sticker that read, "God is my co-pilot." What went through my head was the thought, "How arrogant can you be?"

One has to feel pretty confident about one's abilities to decide that God should be the number two guy on board. "O.K., God. This is gonna get a little rough. You'd better let me take the wheel."

The reason I mention this is that as I write, it is the day before the Presidential election, and there is a story in today's Boston Globe in which the Rev. Billy Graham is quoted as saying "I've been praying that God's will shall be done...and if they (the Bushes), by God's will, win, I'm going to do everything in my power to help them make it a successful presidency."

Rev. Graham seems to assume that God is supporting George W. Bush for President. Does he mean then that he thinks Satan is supporting the Gore campaign? Does it mean that if Al Gore wins, that God is really supporting him and that Rev. Graham was on the wrong side? Will God determine the outcome of this election? Could God ever be on the losing side of an election?

I realize that I'm not writing anything that hasn't been written about before. During the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln wrote on the subject (note to Mike Barnicle: if you?re going to plagiarize, steal from the best) noting that both the North and South claimed to have God on their side.

"Surely, God cannot be for and against the same thing?" the Great Emancipator mused (I'm paraphrasing here).

History is full of people who have acted irrationally because "God told them to." With orders to take John Wilkes Booth alive, one of the soldiers shot and fatally wounded Lincoln's assassin, because God told him to do so. All right, enough Civil War anecdotes.

Many suicide bombers have been known to yell, "God is great!" as their final statement before committing their heinous deed. (Actually, their last saying is often "aaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhh!" but that is less of a statement than a pained, maniacal cry.) I have a sneaking suspicion he's not gonna be too happy with you, pal.

Gore has said that in difficult times he asks himself, "What would Jesus do?"

Bush, a born-again Christian who claims Jesus as his favorite philosopher, apparently doesn't ask himself the same question, judging by the number of executions that he has presided over. I don't imagine that Jesus would condone executions, or he probably would've said "OK boys, start chucking the stones."

In an effort to gain the moral high ground and "out-God" his opponent, Gore selected Sen. Joseph Liebermen, an Orthodox Jew as his running mate. Leiberman has mentioned God so often in his stump speeches that I'm surprised that he hasn't produced any stone tablets with new Commandments on them.

This looks to be a close race, and there is no way to predict the outcome. By the time you read this, either George W. Bush or Al Gore will have been chosen as our next president.

God help us.

Posted by dmargarita at 8:26 PM

October 11, 2000

The Great and Not So Great Debates

My natural inclination here is to talk about this past week's debates, the first one between Presidential candidates Al Gore and George W. Bush and the second one, between Vice Presidential candidates Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman. Sure, I could talk about Gore's make-up job that made him look like a client at a discount funeral parlor or a madame at a third rate bordello. I could talk about his incessant heavy breathing that made him sound like an obscene phone caller.

I could talk about how funny it was watching Bush tip-toe around the abortion issue, not wanting to offend the religious right, while not wanting to lose the women's vote. I could talk about how funny it was to watch Gore discuss Yugoslavian President-elect Kostunica, and Serbia's relationship with Montenegro, blatantly taunting Bush, knowing full well that any attempt by Bush to pronounce these names would likely have ended in disaster.

I could talk about how they sounded like two kids in a schoolyard when discussing their tax plans, repeating the same charges over and over again. I fully expected one of them to say, "I know you are, but what am I?"

However, I've decided not to talk about the debates. At least not these debates.

Not so much because I was flipping back and forth between the baseball playoff games, which I was. The problem is that this paper is a weekly, and chances are you've already heard some of what I've said somewhere in the more immediate, daily media. Breaking news for a weekly is a tricky proposition. You'll never hear someone on TV say "Flash! Last week the UN announced..."

A weekly is at a disadvantage and any story big enough to make the Boston dailies, is often old hat by the time you pick up your weekly. The headline in the local paper may as well read: "Hitler Invades Poland."

Thus I've decided to critique some debates of more renown and of greater historical significance, the Lincoln-Douglas Debates. There were a series of seven debates. I'll stick with the first.

Mr. Douglas:
My distinguished opponent is decidedly against the Dred Scott decision. He and his Republican brethren feel that it is monstrous because it denies that the Negro is or can be a citizen under the Constitution. It is my contention the states should decide for themselves what course to choose.

Mr. Lincoln: Your mama.

Of course the man who penned the Gettysburg Address didn't exactly respond with "your mama" but in the interest of saving time, I have encapsulated the essence of his reply.

Mr. Douglas:
I mean not to belittle Mr. Lincoln. Indeed I have many sympathies with him. But it was I who insisted while in the Senate, that Illinois pay off its debt.

Mr. Lincoln:
Yeah, like you'll ever be on a five-dollar bill.

It's been well documented that Lincoln had a premonition of his death. It is a little known fact that he also had a premonition of himself being on U.S. currency.

Mr. Douglas:
I drink Lite Beer because it tastes great.
Mr. Lincoln:
I drink it because it's less filling.

OK, so there was no Lite Beer in the 1850's. I am merely attempting to show, in modern terms, the difference between the two men. Lincoln wins this point because he knows that Lite Beer is just a watered version of regular beer, and one can more easily argue that it's "less filling" than "tastes great."

Well I hope that this has been some help in your decision making, but frankly I doubt it.

Posted by dmargarita at 3:16 PM

August 29, 2000

EXAMINING A SCHIZOID TV NATION

I couldn't figure out what to watch on Monday night. It was the Patriots first game, and there was the curiosity factor of Dennis Miller in the broadcast booth for Monday Night Football. There was also the Republican National Convention, and in case either got boring, that old stand-by, TV Land. Thank God for the remote.

The MNF gang was coy about introducing Miller, doing so only after bringing in the other new members, including the requisite Hall of Famer and the gorgeous woman on the sidelines. Miller's first in-game commentary, on the first series of downs was regarding a player with a groin injury, and at 7:31 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, for what I'm guessing was the first time in MNF's 31 year history, the word "genitalia" was mentioned.

Over at the convention, the GOP, trying to soften its WASP-y image, began the evening with a prayer from a rabbi.

CLICK-On TV Land, Mayberry R.F.D.'s Howard Sprague is attempting to prove his manliness by jumping out of an airplane (with a parachute).

Roll call at the convention. A black woman is "Madame Chairman" tallying the votes. American Samoa has four votes for Bush.

CLICK-Miller makes a reference to the Tigris and Euphrates River. The second quarter begins, and the Pat's go up 6-0. Miller makes a reference to the Socratic method.

CLICK-Private Gomer Pyle aggravates Sgt. Carter by continuously messing up during war games. Things work out in the end, though.

CLICK-Guam has four votes for Bush and the roll call is suspended. Next is a black couple singing "Rock This Town."

It is an irony that while Dennis Miller, whose forte is political humor is on Monday Night Football, Hank Williams Jr. who is perhaps best known for opening the MNF Broadcast with the line, "Are you ready for some football?" makes an appearance at the convention. He is the son of Country Music legend Hank Williams, and it's hard not to notice a link between him and George W. Bush as two guys who made their careers by virtue of having their father's names.

CLICK-Dennis Miller makes a reference to The Sword of Damocles.

CLICK-More irony at the convention as former Nixon speechwriter and current game show host, Ben Stein is introduced as a comedian. A black woman teacher makes a speech.

CLICK-Pat's go up 13-0 at the half, meanwhile on Emergency, a careless worker drops a cigarette and starts a fire in a skyscraper.

CLICK-the second half begins with Miller making a reference to the mathematical formula "pi."

CLICK-More minority entertainment. Frankly, I'm no longer sure if I'm watching the Republican National Convention or "Amateur Night at the Apollo Theater." For all the diversity of the speakers and the entertainers, occasional shots panning the audience show only a slightly higher percentage of people of color than that of your average Klan rally. This only serves to highlight the disingenuousness of the on-stage diversity. For the majority of the conventioneers, it's likely that their only dealings with people of color, is when they interact with their hired help.

CLICK-Gage and DeSoto work tirelessly to rescue people trapped on the seventeenth floor of a building.

CLICK-Miller makes a Rosetta Stone and Survivor reference. Pat's lead 20-0 at the end of the third quarter.

CLICK-Joe Friday and Bill Gannon are on the trail of a con man on Dragnet.

CLICK-A black Gospel group gets the convention hopping like a revival meeting.

CLICK-Miller makes a Hindenburg reference.

CLICK-Retired General Colin Powell closes out the convention evening.

CLICK-The Pat's are winning 20-0, and Al Michaels sounds very depressed. Cheer up, Al. Joe Friday got his man.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:23 PM

January 24, 2000

What About Bill?

"Gone!? You think he's gone!?" is what Richard Dreyfuss' psychiatrist character tells his family in the movie What about Bob?, about Bill Murray's obsessive patient character.

"He's not gone!" Dreyfuss continues, opening his front door only to find the supposedly departed Murray standing there, smiling.

"He's never going away!"

I was reminded of the movie this past weekend with the presidential inauguration. Bill Clinton had no more desire to leave the White House, than Bill Murray's character did Richard Dreyfuss' house. The first thing the former First Couple did when landing in New York, was have a press conference. As Hillary addressed the assembled reporters, Bill stood there in a daze, looking as though he were plotting some way to find an excuse to go back and hang around the old homestead. I couldn't help but imagine Clinton and Bush in a parody of the movie to be called, "What about Bill?"

I could just see Bush opening the front door of the White House and finding Clinton riding by on a bicycle, throwing the morning paper onto his front step. Later Bush would pull up a window shade to see a smiling Clinton with a squeegee, washing the windows. An afternoon stroll through the Rose Garden would reveal Clinton pruning some hedges.

This has put me in mind of some other movie remakes starring Bill and Hillary that I'd like to see.

It's a Wonderful Life--- Bill stars in an updated version of the Jimmy Stewart classic as a man who has lost his shirt in a bad Arkansas land deal. His ever-faithful wife bails him out by passing a note around their favorite Hollywood restaurant, Spago's, saying that he needs cash. A basket full of money appears, and Bill is overcome with emotion when Chef Wolfgang Puck reads a telegram from London:

"MR. GOWER CABLED YOU NEEDED CASH STOP MY OFFICE INSTRUCTED TO ADVANCE YOU UP TO $2.7 MILLION STOP HEE HAW AND MERRY CHRISTMAS
ALEC BALDWIN"

Evita--- In a stretch for her first starring role, Hillary plays a power hungry woman married to a world leader. There won't be a dry eye in the house when she sings "Don't cry for me New York voters..."

The Odd Couple--- In this screwball comedy, Hillary and South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond decide to save money by renting an apartment together. Can a 21st century New Democrat and a 19th century segregationist share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Easy Rider--- Bill and Al Gore star as two unemployed drifters who motorcade their way across America. They are confronted with violence and bigotry, but get to hang out with Jack Nicholson.

Old Yeller---Steven Spielberg's Dreamworks make-up department are the real stars as they turn former First Dog, Buddy, from a Chocolate Labrador into a Yellow Labrador for his first starring role. The dog becomes a friend and protector of the First Family until he gets bitten in a fight with former Special Prosecutor, Ken Starr. The animal contracts rabies as a result, and Bill bites his lower lip as he makes the heart wrenching decision to blow the dog's head off with a shotgun.

These are just some of the possibilities and would at least keep President Clinton occupied, so that we won't have to worry about him and find ourselves asking, "What about Bill?"

Posted by dmargarita at 2:14 PM

November 3, 1999

Election 2000 analysis, Parts I & II

I noted a few weeks ago that Dan Quayle had dropped out of the presidential race, and since we're now a year away, I thought that in the interest of fairness it would be fitting to take a look at the rest of the field.

We've already had a couple of casualties, so let's start with them and see what we might have missed.

Lamar Alexander---Proof that in America, any child can grow up to continuously run for President. His brilliant strategy in previous campaigns was to walk around New Hampshire in a flannel shirt. He didn't get many votes, but made a few friends when people stopped to ask him for directions.

Elizabeth Dole---To my knowledge, she has never held elected office in her life, although she was the head of the Red Cross. As Commander-in-Chief she could send troops into battle and see that survivors have plenty of blankets, coffee and doughnuts.

She probably wasn't helped out of the gate when her husband, former Senator Bob Dole, said he would give money to Sen. John McCain's campaign. Have fun sleeping on the couch, Bob.

It might be for the best, anyway. I was starting to feel sorry for Bob Dole. After fifty years of dedicated service to his country, Bob is reduced to doing commercials about "ED." After finally having some free time on his hands, and the invention of Viagra, where's his wife? Running around the country, trying to get elected President.

Orrin Hatch---See Lamar Alexander.

Senator Bob Smith---Left the Republican Party to run as an Independent. Apparently, having awakened to the smell of Folgers last week, he decided to call it quits. The death of Sen. John Chafee left an opening for the chairmanship of the Environmental and Public Works Department, which would have gone to Smith, had he not left the party.

With the job available, Smith suddenly decided that the Republican Party wasn't such a bad place to be and has rejoined it. He has made a bid for the job, hoping to grab Chafee?s chair while it is still warm.

Although he is from New Hampshire, he might as well be called "Buffalo" Bob Smith, because he has about as good a chance of being elected as Howdy Doody.

Gary Bauer---He called a press conference to vigorously deny rumors of an affair. There has been an upside to this for him: now people outside of his immediate family know who the hell he is.

Steve Forbes---What do you get the rich kid who has everything? The White House. His big idea so far has been the flat tax. Who can blame him? With his income, a flat tax will allow him to recoup the millions of dollars that he's spent on his futile presidential campaigns. If Steve Forbes didn't have millions of dollars, I suspect that he would be a third rate carnival hypnotist.

Next week: Part II

Last week I discussed some of the Presidential candidates for the 2000 election. Oh sure, I could've mentioned them all in one long column, but if I had done that I would've had to come up with something entirely new this week. Why write two columns when you can split one?

Anyway, let's get to it.

Jesse "The Brain" Ventura---OK, he hasn't declared himself a candidate, but many of his supporters are hopeful, and he's entertaining to watch. In a Playboy interview he denounced religion as "a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people." He may be the first politician in history to go after the atheist vote. He also said that he would like to be reincarnated as a woman's bra. Finally, a politician who isn't afraid to tackle the tough issues.

John McCain-Widely respected as a war hero and a man of integrity. So was Bob Dole.

Pat Buchanan---Has long criticized liberals as being soft on communism. Others have criticized him as being soft on Nazi-ism. He has left the Republican Party to join the Reform Party. His best hope is that they hold their convention in Nuremburg.

Alan Keyes---A black, conservative Republican. That makes this radio talk show host a minority within a minority. Traditionally, the Republican Party has been, to quote Eddie Murphy's character upon entering a redneck bar in the movie 48 Hours, "not a very popular place with the brothers."

WZLX's sports guy, Tank, has a better shot.

Warren Beatty and Cybill Shepard---Can the "Don Knotts for President" campaign be far behind? Beatty announced last week that he is not running for President, which is probably a good thing. Good judgement is imperative in the White House, and the man who thought that making Ishtar was a good idea may not be suited for the job.

Donald Trump---Like Steve Forbes, another rich kid figuring "why not?" Having seen the incumbent's amorous activities, Trump, who confesses to liking beautiful women, must see this as the ultimate pick-up line with chicks.

Bill Bradley---Has made national health care a priority. Polls show that most Americans want some form of health care reform, but the problem is how to pay for it. Hillary Clinton tried to tackle it, and it went over about as well as New Coke. Good luck, Bill. Also, he admits to having smoked marijuana seberal times when he was younger. No word on whether he inhaled.

Al Gore---Champions himself as an environmentalist. He had somewhere between 98 million to 4 billion (depending on who you listen to) gallons of water released into the Connecticut River during a drought, so that he could be photographed in a canoe. The fear in this corner is that he would use this logic and drop nuclear bombs as a peace offering. Gore moved his campaign headquarters from Washington to Tennessee, ostensibly to be closer to his roots. This may work, or it may resemble the ?Ellie May for Possum Queen? episode of the Beverly Hillbillies.

George W. Bush---Two things helped him run away from the pack initially.

1. Raising a ton of money, including $40 million from a group of Texans whom Bush refers to as "my best friends."

Note to readers: If anybody out there wants to give me $40 million, I guarentee that you will become my best friend.

2. Nobody knows what he stands for.

The best way to ensure popularity as a politican is to make vague promises and not take a stand on anything. As governor of Texas, Bush has been tough on drug offenders, sending first time offenders off to hard time. Bush has been reluctant to say if he was always so tough on drugs.

He didn't know the names of four world leaders when asked by a reporter. In fairness, I didn't either, but I'm not running for President. His election would ensure that he would be able to name one world leader. If stuck, he cold always check the nameplate on his desk.

I hope that this has been of some help, folks. If not, you may want to try eenie-meenie-miney-moe.

Posted by dmargarita at 8:54 PM

October 13, 1999

Where Have You Gone Dan Quayle?

It was a sad day for all fans of humor last week when Dan Quayle announced his withdrawal from the presidential race. Quayle was always quick to blame the perception of him as an idiot on the media, but the plain and simple fact is that he made some statements that left heads shaking in amazement all across the country.

Oh, I don't mean his misspelling of the word "potato." In the fifth grade I got knocked out of a spelling bee on the word "bureau" and I still wouldn't get it right without the invention of spell check.

I'm talking major gaffes. Consider these gems:

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"I was recently on tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between mother and child."

"Welcome President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind. How true that is."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are part of NATO. We are part of Europe."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

There are plenty more, but I imagine my editor would prefer me to do a little original writing since he's not paying me to copy things that I found on the Internet.

I can't help but feel a little sorry for Quayle. He tried so hard to show us that he was more than a European astronaut who made good judgments in the future.

He may or may not be a very bright guy, but do you want someone so prone to making idiotic statements running the free world?

Suppose he's staring down the leaders of Communist China? That would be the worst possible time to give a Henny Youngman-esque "now take Taiwan, please."

The media certainly has its share of faults, but it's too easy to blame them for the former V.P.'s stumbles. It's not as though a mischievous Sam Donaldson was constantly standing off to the side with joke cue cards. He said these things of his own volition.

Gerald Ford suffered from a similar problem. Though we were constantly told that he was our most athletic President ever, he was constantly caught stumbling by whatever TV camera happened to be around. His supporters always blamed the liberal media for trying to portray him in a negative light, but again, Dan Rather wasn't constantly throwing ball bearings on the ground to trip Ford up. He stumbled completely on his own.

One couldn't help but admire Quayle's mettle in the face of constant ridicule from late night comics. He didn't back down an inch, telling his critics,

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

Posted by dmargarita at 10:14 AM

March 10, 1999

No More Monica!

I'm sick of Monica. I have nothing against her, I'm just sick of this whole Monica thing. For over a year we've heard nothing but Monica, Monica, Monica. In fact I'm so sick of Monica, that last Wednesday night, I sat and watched Barbara Walters interview Monica, just like 74 million other people who are sick of Monica.

I wasn't sure what to write about this week, but I knew that I didn't want to write about Monica. Instead I figured that I'd write about something near and dear to my heart, comedy.

I performed stand-up comedy for a number of years and have found that written humor is very different from spoken humor. They say that timing is everything in comedy, but the written joke is far less dependent on timing than when it is performed orally.

One of the advantages of writing is that while sitting in your room, you don't have to worry about being surrounded by drunks yelling "you suck!" If you find this happening at your house, you may want to consider relocating.

Most people have a great fear of speaking in public, and for most performers starting out, stage fright is a major problem. If things don't go well, there is a tendency to stumble and Tripp over one's words.

Anybody can have a bad night, of course. I've seen great comics "bomb." This is a horrible feeling where, afterwards, you just want to go and Hyde.

Many comics use props. An outlandish example would be the watermelon-smashing Gallagher, while a subtler example would be George Burns use of a cigar.

Jimmy Tingle, noted political satirist now doing commentary on 60 Minutes II, began by doing quick one-line jokes in between blasts on his harMonica.

I've always been a big fan of British humor, which is very different from American humor. For one thing, they spell it "humour." Drag has always been a big part of British humor, but has never really been considered acceptable here. For an American man to be caught wearing a dress in public, it would be considered a stain on his career.

It's always fun to watch comics starting out. With visions of future stardom in their heads, each one of them feels that he or she Ken be a Starr.

One tip for aspiring comics; tape your set. It may prove valuable to you later on.

Well, I did it. I got through an entire column and didn?t write or even think about Monica. It certainly wasn?t easy, since she has become so totally engrained into the American consciousness.

All of this made me very thirsty. I think I'll have some O.J.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:47 PM

February 10, 1999

The Lincoln/Clinton Connection

It seems rather ironic that the Clinton impeachment vote should come on the weekend that we honor two of our greatest presidents, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. It makes sense to combine their two birthdays into one holiday, though I can't help but think that if Clinton's birthday were to be linked with anyone, it would be Hugh Hefner or Larry Flynt.

Some people are aghast at the Presidents womanizing, but the aforementioned Mr. Flynt has made us aware that many guys seem to enter politics to "meet chicks." Certainly, many of those that shoot for the highest office in the land don't think that being the most powerful man in the world should be a hindrance to their love life.

If you think about it, it's a pretty original pick-up line. How many guys can go into a bar and say, "Hi, I'm Bill. How'd you like to see me start a global thermonuclear war?" Hey, I once told a woman that I had played shortstop in the Phillies organization. She didn't even buy that.

Of course no one would even think of Lincoln hitting on women in the nation's capital. Except me, of course. I've often imagined what might be some of Lincoln?s pick-up lines:

"Hi, I'm Abe. Let me show you why they call me 'the rail-splitter.'"

"I once walked six miles to return a book, but I'd walk to the ends of the Earth for you."

"Let me be your great emancipator."

"Lee surrendered to Grant. Why don't you surrendered to me?"

"How'd you like to see the original 'Lincoln Log'?"

To put things in proper perspective I'e compiled a list comparing and contrasting the two men which will never make anybody' history book, but defines the differences between them adequately for me.

LINCOLN: Shot at Ford's Theater.
CLINTON: Made out in a Ford at the drive in.

LINCOLN: Known for the Gettysburg Address.
CLINTON: Known to stand under grated stairs and look up many a dress.

LINCOLN: Spent many sleepless nights in the Lincoln bedroom.
CLINTON: Also spent many sleepless nights in the Lincoln bedroom.

LINCOLN: Implemented the draft.
CLINTON: Avoided the draft.

LINCOLN: Didn't smoke.
CLINTON: Didn't inhale.

LINCOLN: Freed the slaves.
CLINTON: Freed his inhibitions.

LINCOLN: Wore a stovepipe hat.
CLINTON: Loves Stovetop Stuffing.

LINCOLN: Was President during a civil war.
CLINTON: Fell asleep during A Civil Action.

Well, the impeachment trial is over, but Kenneth Starr is poised to continue the inquisitions as his seemingly boundless authority seems fit. I fully expect him to invade Poland soon.

The spirit and good cheer of this most festive of holidays shall not be dampened for me, nor shall I lose faith in our system of government. (One of the problems of writing is that the reader can't see you smirking when you're being facetious.)

It's time for me to go now, because I have to begin my shopping for next year's President's Day and I want to get a jump on the rest of the crowd.

(Smirk.)

Posted by dmargarita at 5:59 PM