DanMargarita.com

January 25, 2010

The Gang That Couldn’t Vote Straight

You may have heard that Massachusetts’s voters recently elected Scott Brown to fill the seat left vacant by the passing of Senator Ted Kennedy. It was in most of the papers.

Scott Brown defeated Attorney General Martha Chokely, whose campaign strategy seemed to follow Woody Allen’s advice that “80 percent of success is showing up.”

Indeed, Ms. Chokely seemed to think that just by being a Democrat running for the seat long-held by the “Liberal Lion,” that she was automatically entitled to it.

She scorned the idea of spending time outside of Fenway Park on a cold day, shaking hands. You know what, Martha? That’s what politicians running for office do!

Ted Kennedy would go out and campaign…even when running unopposed! Although, after seeing her lackluster campaign, I get the feeling that if she had run unopposed, she STILL would’ve lost.

When it came out that former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling was endorsing Brown, Chokely joked that he (Schilling) was probably a Yankees fan. Good to see that Martha is keeping John Kerry’s joke writers employed. Maybe she can take over the Tonight Show when Jay gets fired again. Why do Democrats think they’re funny? They’ve got a professional comedy writer, Al Franken in their midst. Couldn’t he run a remedial comedy class for them?

In fairness, Brown ran a great campaign.

“I’m Scott Brown and I drive a truck,” was pretty much all it took to defeat Martha (He didn’t tell us what kind of mileage he got on it, though). I’m not sure if there’s a precedent for that campaign slogan.

“I’m Abe Lincoln, and I split rails.”

The press noted with a wink and a chuckle that Brown had posed nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine in 1982. I’m not sure if there’s a precedent for that, either.

“The Saturday Evening Post Presents William Howard Taft, America’s Sexiest Man!”

At 340 pounds, there was just more of him to love. Remember, they liked ‘em big back then.

Had the shoe been on the other foot, wait…that’s probably a bad metaphor, had there been nude photos of Martha (sorry for planting that image in your head) that surfaced instead of Brown, I suspect that the “Family Values” crowd would have deemed her unfit to run for such a lofty office. Of course, had the Fairness Doctrine still been in place, Martha would have been within her rights to demand to pose nude also. Perhaps we may yet see that “The Ladies of the Attorney General’s Office” layout in Playboy.

Martha Chokely was the 1978 Boston Red Sox blowing a 14 1/2 game lead to the New York Yankees. Martha Chokely was Bill Buckner booting a squibbed ground ball to first base. Martha Chokely was Mike Torrez giving up a bloop home run to Bucky Dent (Yes, despite World Series Championships in 2004 and 2007, the pre-2004 Red Sox remain the Gold Standard for blowing a sure thing). Okay…to throw in one non-Red Sox reference, Martha Chokely was Scott Norwood missing an easy field goal that would’ve won the Super Bowl. And you Sox fans think we’re the only ones whose team tortures us?

The election now gives the Democrats what seems to be a 59-41 minority. Only the donkeys can screw up like that and turn an advantage into seeming to be a disadvantage. It’s kind of like former Red Sox pitcher Matt Young throwing a no-hitter and losing. Yes, if need a sports metaphor for screwing up, all you have to do is check Red Sox history between 1919-2003.

Now there’s a lot of excitement on the right about Scott Brown, as there was on the left about Barak Obama, and like Obama, the honeymoon period will eventually end and there will be a realization that the candidate can’t walk on water, and disappointment likely will set in. Sort of like being a Red Sox fan from 1919-2003.

As for Martha Chokely, she’s announced that she’s again running for reelection as Attorney General. Before she begins campaigning (assuming she does), she should buy a truck.

Now it is Scott Brown who will be moving to Washington, and he might need some help, but he can take a lot of stuff himself; after all, he has a truck.

Congratulation to Scott Brown, or as one man once said: “Heckuva job, Brownie.”

Posted by dmargarita at 1:32 PM

January 11, 2010

Great Balls of Fire!

By now you’ve probably heard that a Nigerian man on a flight landing in Detroit on Christmas Day, attempted to detonate a bomb sown into his underwear, which may explain why prior to boarding your plane you may now be asked, “Is that a bomb in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?”

News reports have stated that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, 23, was trained in Yemen, by a branch of Al Qaeda. It’s good to see that Al Qaeda is opening branch offices, because you can’t always get downtown to meet your terrorist needs.

Early speculation (by me) considered the possibility that he attempted suicide when he looked out the window and saw Detroit. Fortunately, alert passengers saw Abdulmutallab’s pants ablaze and quickly reacted, preventing his underwear from going off (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say).

Mr. Abdulmutallab was not only unsuccessful in his task, he showed himself to be perhaps not the brightest star on the Christmas tr…okay, bad analogy. With trousers fuming, a flight attendant reportedly asked what he had in his pocket.

“Explosive device,” was his alleged reply.

Generally, suicide bombers don’t announce their intentions before doing their deed. Mind you, the successful ones don’t do any explaining afterwards.

This was after spending 20 minutes in the bathroom, which didn’t seem to arouse suspicion. Usually, when someone spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, it’s because of bad airplane food or joining the mile-high club.

Abdullah Asieria, a suicide bomber who attempted to assassinate a Saudi Arabian prince last year, certainly went above and beyond for his cause. He managed to get past security by putting his bomb where nobody was going to think of searching. Let’s just say it’s the punchline to the joke, “Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!”

Mr. Asieri spent 30 hours near his target before setting it off. Think about that….30 hours concealing an explosive device there. I guess it didn’t seem suspicious when he lit that fuse. Considering where he was concealing the device, he must’ve moved around the room like he was a Minister of Silly Walks. I’m guessing that with an explosive device where the “sun don’t shine” for 30 hours, his disposition wasn’t the most pleasant, prompting the question, “What’s up his ass?”

Remarkably, he barely wounded the Saudi prince, but did manage to cause a mess. I mean, there was shit everywhere.

BA-DA-BOOM!

If the actions of Richard Reid, aka “The Shoe Bomber” resulted in us removing our shoes before getting on a plane, they may now resort to security agencies calling in the bum-sniffing dogs.

There have been calls from the political right to resort to racial profiling for potential flyers, but it wouldn’t have helped catch Reid, who was British, or Abdulmutallab, who was Nigerian. However, this could prove to be a hassle for the guy who plays the grapes in the Fruit of the Loom commercials.

Several proverbial red flags were missed in catching Abdulmutallab, including the fact that someone typing it onto the no-fly list misspelled his name. Either that person didn’t think to or was unable to do what I did in writing that name…copying and pasting. Hell, even Google questions your spelling when you screw up.

“Did you mean Elvis Presley?”

The most conspicuous gaffe was that that bomber’s dad contacted the U.S. Embassy, noting that his son was missing and had become radicalized. Common sense should’ve put U.S. security agencies on alert, not to mention that it was also the plot of a classic Leave it to Beaver episode.

“Now Beaver, always wear clean underwear in case you have to blow up a plane.”

Mr. Abdulmutallab apparently had the device sewn into his underwear, hidden “near his testicles” (that’s reported by Reuters, so don’t blame me). I’m sure somewhere a DHS agent will chuckle if you search Google for “bomber” & “near his testicles.”

Little did Jerry Lee Lewis realize that his song “Great Balls of Fire!” would someday take on a literal meaning.

Flyers used to be offered the choice of a “smoking” or “non-smoking” seat on an airport. It used to refer to cigarettes, not genitalia.

The real question here is, were they boxers or briefs?

Posted by dmargarita at 2:23 PM

December 28, 2009

2009: The Year in Review

The year 2009 is about to conclude, which means it’s time for me to once again do my annual year in review, which I do every year, hence the word “annual” (like that joke).

Jan. 15---A U.S. Airways plane crashes into the Hudson River shortly after takeoff after Canadian geese get caught in the engine. The FBI later finds that the geese left behind jihadi suicide videos.

Jan. 20---Barak Obama is sworn in as the 44th President of the United States, becoming the first black president of the country, as well as the first Kenyan-born and Muslim president.

Jan. 29---Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is removed from office after allegedly trying to sell President Barak Obama’s vacant senate seat. Blagojevich was not only impeached by the House of Representatives of Illinois, he’d also been a member (SEE: Hair Club for Men).

Feb. 17---President Obama signs the stimulus bill, to try and save or create 3.5 million jobs. Unfortunately, many of the jobs created are “birthers.”

Apr. 13---U.S. Navy snipers kill three Somali pirates who were holding an American ship captain hostage. Pirates are unable to see snipers due to their eye patches.

Jun. 1---General Motors files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, but only after discussing it with their managers.

Jun. 12---Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeats challenger Mir-Hossein Mousav in a presidential race, largely believed to be ridden by fraud. Ahmadinejad claims 66% of the vote, but in reality has 666%. Part of the problem is with hanging Chad’s…and Ahmed’s and Jamaal’s. The U.S. Supreme Court rules 5-4 in favor of Ahmadinejad.

Jun. 25---Michael Jackson, “The King of Pop,” dies of an apparent overdose of medication in an attempt to sleep. Remarkably, Keith Richard continues to live.

Jun. 26---South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R), admits to “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” with a woman in Argentina. Sanford initially claims that he was spreading his “Family Values” philosophy in South America and calls it his “La Familia Valora” Tour. After publicly confessing to the affair and apologizing to his wife Jenny, he then refers to the Argentinean woman as his “soul mate.” Eventually, he will refer to Jenny Sanford as his “ex-wife.”

Jun. 25---Ponzi scheme king Bernard Madoff is sentenced to 150 years in jail for his fraud scheme. Madoff vows that with good behavior, he’ll be out in 127 years.

Jul. 17---Legendary CBS Newsman Walter Cronkite passes away at age 92. Cronkite dies peacefully, surrounded by his family. And that’s the way it was.

Jul. 24—The Cash for Clunkers program begins. Many married people mistakenly try to trade in their spouse.

Jul. 26---Alaska Governor Sarah Palin announces her resignation, to become….well, that remains to be seen. “I’m not a quitter,” Palin later tells the press, after quitting midway through her term. Palin also says she can do more for Alaska by not being in charge of it.

Jul. 30---Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Police Sergeant James Crowley meet President Obama at the White House for a “Beer Summit,” after Crowley’s controversial arrest of Gates, sparking racial tensions. The three don’t solve America’s race problem, but all agree to call for an end to baseball’s “Designated Hitter.”

Aug. 25---Sen. Ted Kennedy dies from cancer at age 72. Pop singer Dion begins rewriting “Abraham, Martin and John.”

Aug. 25---Many legislators conduct Town Hall Meetings to discuss health care reform. Enraged protesters scream “No govt. health care!” while ironically also stating, “Don’t touch my Medicare!”

Sept. 9---During a speech on healthcare by President Obama, Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC), yells “You lie!” Wilson later apologizes to Obama, who tells him, “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Anything you say bounces off of me and gets stuck to you!”

Oct. 2---President Obama travels to Copenhagen where he singlehandedly loses the Olympics, finishing out of the medal round.

Oct. 9---President Barak Obama is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, becoming the fourth American president to win the award, as well as the first Kenyan-born Muslim American president to win.

Oct. 15---The family of 6-year-old Falcon Heene admits to staging a hoax in claiming that Falcon was trapped in a runaway balloon, in order to garner publicity in an attempt to get on a reality TV show. Ironically, the Heene’s eventually get on several reality TV shows called, “The Evening News.” The family becomes social pariahs, however, Balloon Boy becomes fast friends with Bubble Boy.

Oct. 28---Department of Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano conducts a press conference to explain how to deal with the H1N1 or so-called “Swine Flu.” Napolitano ends her speech by saying “Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!”

Nov. 24---Celebrity wannabe’s the Salahi’s crash a state dinner at the White House. While there, the Salahi’s suggest to President Obama that the couples go on a double date and see a play at Ford’s Theater.

Nov. 27---Tiger Woods crashes his car outside his house, after his apparently angry wife Elin, smashes the back window with a golf club. Elin Woods’ drive forces Tiger’s car to slice to the right and into a fire hydrant.

Dec. 10---President Obama receives his Nobel “You’re Not George W. Bush” Peace Prize, just days after announcing that he’s sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. Former Vice President Dick Cheney grumbles, “Hell, I got thousands of people killed! Where’s my award?!”

Dec. 25---A Nigerian man tries to blow up a Northwest plane as it attempts to land in Detroit. While authorities speculate that it is a Muslim terrorist plot, the man explains it was merely because he looked out the window and saw Detroit.

There you have some, but not all, of the highlights and lowlights of 2009. Here’s hoping that 2010 is better one for all of us.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:19 PM

December 21, 2009

This Just In…

This just in...The Grinch has been sent to The Hague to be tried for "Crimes against Whomanity."

Posted by dmargarita at 9:14 PM

November 30, 2009

Tiger Not Out of The Woods

Okay, sorry about the bad pun, but let’s get right to it. Tiger Woods is certainly not the first guy to be chased out of his house at 2:00 A.M. by his wife with a golf club, just the most famous.

“Golfing?! At 2:00 A.M.?! I’ll show you golfing at 2:00 A.M.!”

Assuming that you’re not Osama bin Laden and haven’t been living in a cave (although he seems to have his own video access), you’ve probably heard that golfer Tiger Woods recently got into a car accident just outside of his home in Florida. Well, I suppose the term “accident” is relative because we don’t know what actually happened, but boy, aren’t we having fun speculating?

The Woods’ contention is that Tiger, pulling out of his driveway, sliced his car to the right and hit a tree and a fire hydrant.

(Hushed British voice) “And now Tiger is caught between a tree and a fire hydrant. This will be a tough shot to get back onto the driveway.”

No doubt, this may cost him a couple of strokes on his auto insurance premiums.

Tiger’s wife, Elin, then smashed the rear windshield with a golf club, which she just happened to be carrying at the time, to extract Tiger from the vehicle.

Because the couple has refused to give details, we don’t know the exact sequence of events. Perhaps Tiger crashed the car and phoned his wife and said, “Honey, I got in an accident outside the house. Bring a pitching wedge.”

Everyone knows that this shot requires a mashee niblik.

While it’s possible that smashing the rear windshield to extract her husband from the vehicle may have been the most convenient portal, speculation is that she happened to have a golf club and smashed the windshield because she was upset at tabloid rumors that he had an affair and was simply chasing him and the windshield was the closest target.

Florida Highway Patrol Troopers have tried to question the couple, but were turned away three times, once being told by Tiger’s wife that he was sleeping. Since Tiger hasn’t been seen publicly, and there are rumors that his facial lacerations were the result of being socked by her, perhaps authorities should investigate to see that Elin didn’t give Tiger something to make him sleep…permanently.

I’m sure when the police show up at your house to question you, you can just have someone tell them to come back later because you’re sleeping, and it won’t be a problem.

Public relations experts are falling all over themselves declaring that Woods’ is handling this situation very badly. He should “Get out in front of this story” as David Letterman did, when Letterman went on his show and told his audience about being blackmailed.

Mind you, not every celebrity did that. O.J. Simpson never came out and said, “I murdered my wife and her friend. I just want to put this chapter of my life behind me and move on.”

Tiger can still turn this into a positive. While it remains to be seen if this affects his relationship with his myriad of commercial sponsors, one sponsor, Buick, could capitalize on this situation.

“Hi. I’m Tiger Woods. You never know when a jealous spouse is going to come chasing after you with a weapon such as a golf club, but a Buick Rainer can withstand the impact of a nine iron, while smashing into a tree and a fire hydrant at five miles-per-hour with minimal damage.”

At this point Woods has announced that he will not be attending his own upcoming golf tournament. Kind of like the host who invites you to his/her party and then stays upstairs the whole time. Like Dick Cheney, Tiger has opted to stay in the bunker and avoid the press. But Tiger, they ain’t goin’ away.

Whether or not Tiger Woods was having an affair, I don’t know and don’t care. That’s his business. If he were a politician, it might be different but he’s a golfer whose public life has no impact on my life, so I couldn’t care less if he comes clean or not. Unless he drives his car into my tree or his wife smashes my windshield, but neither of those things are likely to happen.

It seems that rather than tell it all and get it over with, he’d rather go with a preferred lie.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:06 PM

October 21, 2009

Up, Up and Go Away!

Well, we all know by now that that the couple who claimed that their son flew away in a balloon are full of helium. Ha! You thought I was going to say, “hot air,” didn’t you?!

Richard and Mayumi Heene, of Colorado, captured the nation’s attention when they claimed that a helium balloon, for reasons of which are as yet to be determined (unless Heene was thinking he was The Wizard of Oz), was in their yard when it lifted off by accident, allegedly carrying their six-year-old son, Falcon. The fact that they would name their son Falcon should’ve been a heads up that this couple was perhaps not playing with a full deck.

Low and behold (or is it “lo and behold?), after flights from Denver Airport were delayed, the Army National Guard deployed a helicopter and the national media had their satellite trucks in the Heenes driveway, the boy appeared, claiming to have hid the attic of their garage. A Brady Bunch moment, if ever there was one.

It was in an interview with CNN’s Wolfe Blitzer (seriously, “Wolfe Blitzer” doesn’t get highlighted by me spell check?) that Falcon coughed up the truth that the family “did this for the show.” If only Wolfe could’ve gotten Dick Cheney to cough up the truth about invading Iraq.

It was on The Today Show, however, that Falcon did more than cough it up; he spit it up, throwing up on live TV, no doubt a video he’ll one day enjoy having played at his wedding. I can’t imagine what Falcon might have confessed to if he’d been waterboarded by Cheney. After all is said and done, I think most of us feel like emulating Falcon on this one.

Celebrity is not new to the Heene’s, having been on the reality TV show Wife Swap. In the ‘70’s that was sort of something swingers did, but now you can have it videotaped.

News reports state that The Heene’s is a self-described “storm chasers.” You can make a living at that? Is that what they write it on their tax form? Must be tough for them to get health and life insurance.

This seems a tad dangerous and bringing your kids into that situation is probably not the most responsible parenting decision.

“Hey, honey, there’s a sniper on Rt. 391. Let’s take the kids there to get a look!”

According to one news report, the Heene’s are listed on a promotion for Wife Swap which says "When the Heene family aren't chasing storms, they devote their time to scientific experiments that include looking for extraterrestrials and building a research-gathering flying saucer to send into the eye of the storm. In this ultimate swap, the Heenes swap lives with a psychic mom who speaks to the dead and can control the weather, her husband and her children -- who believe they are destined to be star."

I can’t guess at what “scientific experiments” the Heene’s are involved with, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that they will not be the ones who cure cancer.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Heene, congratulations. You are famous after all. However, that’s quite different from being “infamous,” which you’ve also become.

This is probably not the kind of fame they envisioned, though. They are looking at the very least at misdemeanor charges being filed, and quite possibly federal charges, not to mention reimbursing authorities for the expenses incurred in looking for a child who wasn’t actually missing (hiding in the attic doesn’t count).

Personally, I think they should be sent to The Hague for committing crimes against humanity.

Falcon Heene is only six-years old, and thus managed to be both a willing participant and also an innocent victim at the same time. I suspect that one day he’ll be spending serious time on a therapist’s couch.

Kid, you should’ve picked better parents.

Posted by dmargarita at 12:42 PM

September 21, 2009

Kanye Interruptus

It’s official, Kanye West is a jackass. That’s not just me talking, it’s the President of the United States. Oh, no he di'n't!

I honestly haven’t watched MTV much, at least not since they stopped playing “M” on their channel, so I didn’t see the infamous incident where Kanye West jumped on stage during the MTV Video Award show and took the microphone from winner Taylor Swift and announced that singer Beyonce had “one of the greatest videos of all time.”

Ah, if only Kanye had run onto the field to take the ball out of the N.Y. Jets quarterback’s hands and declared that Tom Brady was one of the greatest QB’s of all time, but I digress.

Not having seen it live, I was puzzled by all of the buzz on Facebook not long after the incident took place.

“Kanye’s an ass,” seemed to be the consensus.

Well, yeah, we knew that (and the president later confirmed it). Still, with the amount of discussion on FB, I knew something was up and soon learned of the classless man’s classless act.

It’s not the first time he’s done these publicity-seeking hijinks, but it backfired wildly and West was forced to humble himself on Jay Leno’s new show, apologizing profusely. It could’ve been worse; he could’ve been torn to shreds by the ladies of The View.

That’s the entertainment world, however and there are worse places he could’ve been a jackass, historically speaking. It’s a good thing he wasn’t at Gettysburg while President Lincoln was saying, “Four score and seven years ago…” to step in front of Lincoln to announce, “Great speech, Mr. President but Frederick Douglass had one of the greatest speeches of all time!”

Going further back it would’ve been rough to see him interrupt Thomas Jefferson as he read the Declaration of Independence.

“We the people…”

Although, I suppose Jefferson would’ve asked Kanye if he had any good looking sisters he could “date.”

Worse, Kanye could’ve been at the Last Supper, saying “Great speech, Jesus, but Aristotle had one of the greatest speeches of all time!”

The fact that Kanye West has declared himself the voice of his generation should’ve given us an idea that that his MTV antics shouldn’t have come as a big surprise. To paraphrase the old saying about “class,” if you have to announce that you’re the voice of a generation, you’re probably not. That’s for others to decide and declare and most people, like Bob Dylan, tend to reject that notion and the burden it carries.

Rudeness by a spotlight-hogging celebrity is one thing, but when it comes from a member of congress, it’s another matter.

This brings us to South Carolina representative Joe Wilson, who now famously yelled, “You lie!” at President Obama during his speech to a joint session of congress recently.

Before getting to the substance of it, I have to note that before this, if you mentioned the name Joe Wilson, I would’ve thought you were either talking about Valerie Plame’s husband, or Dennis the Menace’s grouchy neighbor.

Considering that H.R. 3200, Section 246 is titled “No Federal payment for undocumented aliens,” it would seem to disprove Wilson’s claim. Of course if Wilson had been watching Fox News, he might honestly believe it. Fox is not known for their accuracy in reporting, especially when a Republican politician gets involved a sex scandal. A number of times they’ve identified GOP pols with a “D” next to their names, with regard to Gov. Mark Sanford and Rep. Mark Foley.

In no one’s recollection has a member of congress yelled out or called the president a liar during a speech. Normally, even when members of congress criticize each other, it is done with at least an appearance of civility, and in the third person.

“If my liberal friend would kindly remove his head from his rectum…”

How can we expect celebrities to be polite if we can’t even get our elected leaders to be polite?

Anyway, I’d better end this before Kanye comes in and interrupts me. I just hope he's not nearby if and when I have a honeymoon.

Posted by dmargarita at 5:49 PM

August 25, 2009

Y Not?

Congratulations go out to Caster Semenya of South Africa, who won the gold medal in the women’s 800-meter race at the World Athletics Championship. The only thing she apparently needs to do now, is prove that she’s a woman.

According to several media outlets, there has been murmuring that her deep voice, muscular build and astonishing records are due to the fact that she is actually a man.

Is this poor sportsmanship, racism or sexism? Probably a bit of all three, but elite athletes have certainly been questioned about their true gender before. People of a certain age will remember the snickering over the “female” athletes of the former Eastern Bloc, whose masculinity made them appear more imposing than the famed “Steel Curtain” defense of the great Pittsburgh Steelers teams of the 1970’s.

Only after the fall of the Berlin Wall did we officially learn that these poor creatures (I can only describe them that way) were, unbeknownst to them, given steroids, which caused those masculine appearances and later, major health issues. They wouldn’t have looked out of place with bolts on their necks.

Some pre-steroid era attempts were made to just plain cheat in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. Polish sprinter Stella Walsh, dubbed “Stella the Fella” at the time, was discovered upon her autopsy, to possess male genitalia. That is, she was a man, not some bizarre collector of male genitalia.

The Nazi’s, eager to prove the superiority of the Third Reich, entered a high jumper named Dora Ratjen, who later turned out to be a man named Hermann. I guess you could say she was “Dora the Gender Explorer.”

At least Dora/Hermann gave up the ruse after the Olympics, while spent Stella kept up the masquerade until her death. Whether that was simply a lifestyle choice or a reluctance to admit that he’d competed against women in the Olympics, is unknown.

It didn’t work anyway, as Dora/Hermann finished fourth, meaning that he probably had to endure taunting from his friends for being beaten by three girls.

“’I thought something was a bit funny,’ recalled one athlete, ‘because she had a deep voice and snored in her sleep. What's more, she also had to shave her face,’” quotes the British newspaper the Daily Mail.

This does not appear to have been the case with Semenya, as medical science is now aware of medical conditions in which gender identity is not so clear-cut. Oh, the things you can find out on the Internet.

The Mail also rhetorically mused, “Surely, one would think, determining one's sex is as simple as removing one's underwear and taking a look.”

Apparently not. Maybe one should look at the underwear itself to find out. Is it a jock strap or a jogging bra?

Another UK paper, The Guardian (The Brits seem much more up on the kinky stuff then us Yanks), one in 15,000 people born have a condition where they are born with male XY chromosomes instead of female XX chromosomes, but due to a protein mutation, appear as female. This means that next time you’re at a ballgame at Fenway Park, there will be two people there who might seem like attractive women, but are actually dudes.

“They would look and behave like a girl," Birmingham University Professor Wiebke Arlt told the Guardian, specifically referring to people with this condition, and not women at Fenway Park.

"Many models and film stars have this disorder. They are very tall and slender featured, very beautiful with peachy skin,” he added.

And you thought it was all plastic surgery.

Conversely, the opposite can be true and a condition called congenital adrenal hyperplasia may cause one to “look on the outside like a boy," says Arlt, "but once a month they may have blood in their urine.”

The teenage years are tough enough for anyone to deal with, never mind finding out that you’re not the gender you thought you were.

Traditionally, children born with duel sex characteristics have been known derisively as “hermaphrodites.” With modern medicine making the public aware that this is a natural, albeit unfortunate and rare condition, they are now referred to more compassionately as being “intersex.”

Fortunately, we live in an age when many of these issues can be discovered early and corrected.

When the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out, I will certainly look at it with a jaundiced eye…but I will look at it.

Posted by dmargarita at 12:47 PM

July 13, 2009

Say It Ain't So, Joe!

Leave it to The Boston Herald to unleash (yes, a horrible pun) one of their sensationalistic headlines with a photo of Little Joe, The Franklin Park Zoo’s most famous resident, with the bold type “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.”

Little Joe (the gorilla and not the late actor Michael Landon who played Little Joe on the TV show “Bonanza”) sparked quite a manhunt…er, apehunt several years ago after not one, but two escapes from the Franklin Park Zoo, although I don’t recall if the Herald’s headline at the time was “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER!”

It seems that Zoo New England director John Linehan warned legislators in a letter that if budget cuts took place, several animals might have to be euthanized if they were unable to be placed in other settings. The implication seemed to be that Governor Deval Patrick would hover over the facilities in a helicopter with a rifle and gun down the animals as they slept in their cages. Actually, that does sound like one of Sarah Palin’s hobbies, and hey, she will soon have a lot of extra time on her hands.

On Monday the Herald quoted a spokesman for the governor as saying that “there will be no animals euthanized on this administration’s watch,” with the paper going so far as to say that Patrick “commuted the death sentence” hanging over the animal’s heads.

That seems reminiscent of an old movie and I can picture a gorilla sitting in his cage, waiting for a note from the governor to spare him the electric chair.

I'm assuming his last meal would be bananas.

With the state facing a massive budget deficit and no one anxious to raise taxes, programs will be cut and before social programs and the arts get the axe (as they invariably do), other programs may go first.

A trip to the Stone Zoo on a hot and humid (these days, more rare than some of the animals there) Sunday gave me a chance to get a good look at what we will miss if the zoo is closed.

At the entrance I immediately saw a creature that is indeed quite rare in these parts…a Yankees fan. As for the creatures inside the zoo (excluding the divorced dads having custody for the day), the results were mixed.

Longtime favorite Major the polar bear is gone, but in his place were two brown bears. Sadly, they seem to have much less room than I recall Major having, and unless their natural surroundings involved concrete in cramped quarters, I can’t imagine they were having the time of their life.

There was a bald eagle, on loan from another zoo, which was unable to fly due to the fact that he had damaged wings. They didn’t say how his wings were damaged, but I suspect fowl play. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

The cage of the river otter was a disappointment, as he or she was nowhere to be found. Hey, for $10 admission, he otter show up! (and the puns continue!).

A worker, whose name tag identified her as Sandy, standing by the cage of the gibbon responded to a question by saying “I’m not a monkey, but I think she’s comfortable.” Good thing she cleared that confusion up. I wasn’t sure what to make of it when I saw Sandy throwing her feces.

Sandy noted that the gibbon came from the Bronx and wasn’t allowed to breed because her line had been so inbred that they feared her offspring would be cross-eyed and play “Dueling Banjos” on the banjo. Okay, that last part is hyperbole on my part, but the first segment is true. Besides, who needs another Yankees fan in these here parts, anyway?

It seems the Corn Snake “feeds on mice, bats, rats, birds and her own eggs.” If it does come down to euthanizing the animals, it sounds like the Corn Snake can do a fair amount of the work.

Well, the public has been properly alarmed and I have no doubt that somehow, someone from somewhere will find the money to keep these creatures alive.

If there isn’t enough money to feed the animals, I can already see the Herald’s next headline.

“YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS.”

Posted by dmargarita at 8:01 PM

June 30, 2009

This Just In…

So many things to write about, so little memory left on my computer, and even less in my Hippocampus.

President Obama kills a fly during a national TV interview, causing outrage from animal-rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), who called it an “execution.” PETA urged Obama to “show a little more compassion to even the least sympathetic animals." Having just feasted on a pile of dog poop, the fly was without a doubt, the least sympathetic of animals. PETA also urged Obama to free all of the bubonic plague bacteria currently being held against their will in government labs.

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Financier fraudster Bernie Madoff, whose Ponzi scheme bilked investors out of billions of dollars, was sentenced to 150 years in prison on Monday for his deeds. With good behavior, Madoff may get out in 127 years.

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Michael Jackson, the “King of Pop” was pronounced dead at age 50 after a 911 call indicated he was without a pulse, even when the pulse was checked on his non-gloved hand.

Authorities say that toxicology results will take 4-6 weeks to be completed, or sooner if they’re sent to Hawaii Five-0’s “Che in the lab,” who typically got results to Steve McGarrett in 20 minutes.

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TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his apartment on Saturday. Police rule out Michael Jackson as a suspect. Medical examiners are looking into the possibility that the amount of dye in his hair and beard may have caused blood poisoning.

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South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admits that he lied in telling his staff that he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” and was in fact in Argentina, continuing a long affair with a woman there. The publisher’s at Webster’s Dictionary announce the inclusion of the term “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” as a new euphemism for sex.
Sanford spent Father’s Day weekend with the woman instead of his wife and sons, whom may now think of it as “Lover’s Day.”

Sanford later compared himself to Biblical King David, who committed adultery with Bathsheba when they went “hiking the Jerusalem trail.”

Former Massachusetts governor and presidential hopeful Mitt Romney says he can bring credibility back to the party of “family values” who have been hurt by repeated incidents of marital infidelity.

“I may be rich and good-looking,” says Romney, “but I’m too boring for any woman to be interested in having an affair with.”

The former governor, a practicing Mormon, brags that he’s never cheated on his wives.

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Honduran president Manuel Zelaya was overthrown by the military in a coup d’état. Soldiers arrested Zelaya in his pajamas and flew him to Costa Rica for a forced exile. The pajamas remain under house arrest.

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Scandal has plagued Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is alleged to have paid a woman to spend the night with him, telling her to “go wait on the big bed,” which is an Italian euphemism for “hiking the Appian Way.”

Berlusconi’s wife Veronica publicly blasted the prime minister for attending the birthday party of an 18-year-old lingerie model/actress and sued the prime minister for divorce. The Discovery Channel has approached Berlusconi about starring in a reality TV show called “Silvio and Veronica plus an 18 Year Old.”

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The Iranian government continues its violent crackdown of supporters of presidential candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi, whom protesters claim was robbed of victory by backers of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who won a landslide victory last week. Supporters of Mousavi note that Ahmadinejad even carried Florida.

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After years as an occupying force, the U.S. military pulls out of cities in Iraq as per their agreement with the Iraqi government. The frustrated Iraqi cities could not be reached for comment (Thank you, Chevy Chase/SNL for that joke).

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Johnny Carson’s longtime sidekick and Lowell, Ma. native Ed MacMahon passes away at age 86. His funeral procession is to be led by a team of Budweiser Clydesdales.

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And that's just the news that's fit to print.

Posted by dmargarita at 8:21 PM

May 26, 2009

NASA's # 1!

Space exploration reached new scientific heights recently when it was announced that the astronauts on board the International Space Station drank water that was recycled from their own urine. I guess you could say it was, “One small step for man, one giant leak for mankind.”

If you read most headlines, however, you would have thought that the astronauts drank straight pee (and not on the moon rocks).

CNN’s website headline reads: “Astronauts Enjoy Recycled Urine.” That is a tad misleading. It’s not that they drank urine and enjoyed it, which seems to be the implication. They drank water that was recycled and had once been urine, thus it was water they enjoyed and not urine. So, this isn’t like the 1973 sci-fi movie Soylent Green, where citizens of the future are given a new foodstuff made of…citizens of the future. Still, CNN makes it sound like they were just drinking pee to wash down the poop sandwich they had earlier.

CNN might as well write, “Astronauts Enjoy Dog Vomit.”

Indeed, flight engineer Mike Barrett did tell the world, “The taste is great,” although one of his crewmates argued that it’s “Less filling.”

I recall that as a child, it was a big deal when the Apollo astronauts supposedly brought the powdered drink Tang to the moon. Perhaps their new Tang packets should read, “Just add urine.”

This recycling is seen as key technology to allow humans to travel further in space without needing to bring water for such missions as trips to the moon and Mars. You have to admit that this is a very original way of using available resources, which is necessary in such a limited environment. Perhaps the next step is to use astronaut flatulence as a means of propelling their spacecraft.

NASA isn’t done using every available scrap of biological matter available on the ISS, though. There are lab rats on the ISS and NASA is planning to include their waste for recycling purposes.

“A full complement of 72 rats would equal about one human in terms of water reclamation,” Layne Carter, a water-processing specialist with NASA, is quoted as saying.

This pretty much squares with what I have on my “rat-to-human” conversion chart.

This is all well and good, if you can find complimentary rats. I’ve generally found them to be quite insulting. Anyway, I had always thought that the collective noun for rats was a “pack.” I guess it sounds more scientific to call them a “compliment” of rats.

This project also holds promise for the future of humankind. While three-quarters of the Earth is covered by water, clean, safe drinking water is a scarce commodity in many third-world countries. Thus, this project may benefit mankind in the long run in our continued efforts to go “green,” or I suppose in this case, “yellow.”

Similar technology has existed for a while, with CNN even noting that it was used after the tsunami in Asia in 2004. They also note that with such large-scale use, there is typically “a much larger gap between urine and tap.”

For the love of God, I hope so.

Okay, so I’ve spent this column resorting to sixth grade potty humor for laughs this week. When CNN puts out a headline like “Astronauts enjoy recycled urine,” what else am I supposed to do?

According to the BBC, the astronauts were given permission to drink the water after tests on water recycled on previous missions, was deemed safe for consumption. This means that at some point, someone had to be the first to try it. I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall that day.

“Go ahead, Bob. Drink it.”

“No, thanks, Ted. You first.”

If it hadn’t worked, I imagine it would’ve been embarrassing to have to report this on national TV back to NASA headquarters.

“Houston, we have a problem.”

Posted by dmargarita at 7:56 PM

May 17, 2009

Sacri-licious

If I recall my classes at CCD (the Catholic version of Sunday School, held on Saturday) correctly, Jesus will one day return to Earth. They just never told us that it would be as a piece of toast.

Once again, someone seems to have found the image of Jesus on their food. Linda Lowe, of Lake Bowen, Florida, is only the latest individual to have their meal emerge bearing the likeness of Jesus or a member of his family. Well, nobody ever seems to cook up an image of Joseph (and BTW, my apologies to Matt Groening of The Simpsons for using one of their jokes for my title).

According to BlueRidgeNow.com, just before Christmas, Ms. Lowe mentioned to her boyfriend Dupree Gilbert that she was hungry for a “cheese toast snack,” but forgot to add “hold the religious icons.”

The toast emerged, as toast seems to often do these days, bearing the likeness of a bearded, longhaired man. Online photos make that much clear, but whether it’s actually Jesus or an image of a generic bass player from a ‘70’s rock band, is up to the viewer.

BRN says that Lowe keeps the toast in a plastic container and that after five months, it still hasn’t gone “bad.” Well, duh; if it is Jesus, of course it wouldn’t go bad.

Ms. Lowe also states that she “would never eat it,” as though the temptation to munch on a five-month-old piece of toast still seems like a possibility at this point.

On the other hand, if the toast does go “bad,” it would then become moldy and thus eventually turn into penicillin, which actually could cure someone, so it may be divine indeed.

Among the more notable religious foods was a 10-year-old partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich, which sold for $28,000 on eBay in 2004. According to ABC News’ website, the chef and owner of the sandwich, Diana Duyser, took a bite of the sandwich in 1994, and “saw the image of Mary and immediately decided that this blessed snack was not to be eaten.” Exploited, commercialized and prostituted, yes, but not eaten.

The sandwich was bought by GoldenPalace.com, which planned to take the sandwich on tour, and no, I’m not making that up.

So, make sure to get in line early for tickets when the tour comes your way.

“Hey, man…did you get tickets to see the sandwich?”

From what I understand, a pot roast was supposed to open for the sandwich but canceled at the last minute.

Mind you, these are just the known foods bearing a holy likeness. What about all the grilled cheese sandwiches that have been eaten because people were hungry and not paying attention to see if their food resembled Jesus? Then there are those few untouched civilizations that might not be familiar with Christianity and could have laid out an entire feast that looked like Michelangelo’s Last Supper and not understood the significance.

With the economy in disarray right now, it seems like a good idea to invest in a toaster and some Wonder Bread and get busy in the kitchen. If burnt toast can fetch that much money, it’s time to start cooking. I would think that statistically, if one cooks enough toast, one will eventually come up with a piece that looks like Jesus, or maybe even all of the Apostles. Sort of like if you had an infinite amount of monkeys, with an infinite amount of toasters…

Yet nobody ever seems to make toast that looks like other icons or famous people. I guess it wouldn’t be a story that would get on CNN if someone claimed that they made a piece of toast that looks like Keith Richard. Then again, most burnt toast does look like Keith Richard.

On Ash Wednesday, 2007, a woman washing a pizza pan at a school in Houston, discovered on her third cleansing of the pan, an image of what seemed to be the Virgin Mary. Well, I guess Ash Wednesday’s as good a day any for that to happen.

Clearly, there seems to be one constant ingredient in these foods…cheese. It has long been said that “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

If that means that He will send his message of peace and love via a cow’s udder, so be it. It’s just a shame that some people will exploit other people’s faith for financial gain.

Kind of makes the commercialism of it seem sort of…cheesy.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:46 PM

May 5, 2009

Aaarggghhh You Kidding?

Each age has it’s own problems to deal with, i.e., a few hundred years ago it was plagues, religious fanatics and pirates. Here in the 21st century we are forced to deal with…plagues, religious fanatics and pirates. We’ve come so far.

Former FBI agent Jack Cloonan, who has been negotiating ransoms with Somali pirates, gave an interview with Spiegal International Online. Okay, I’ve never heard of Spiegal International Online before, but excerpts from the interview were quoted on national TV, so I have to assume that Spiegal is reputable.

Cloonan likened negotiating with pirates to buying a car in American. Yes, you car salesmen and women, a former FBI agent compared dealing with you to dealing you with pirates.

“You're dealing with somebody and negotiating and then finally he just throws his hands up and says: ‘All right, I've got to go talk to my manager,’” Cloonan told Spiegal.

Although I don’t suppose you can get some sort of “Warlord’s Day” deals.

Cloonan says the pirates are “fishermen one day and over the weekend they become pirates and on Monday they're fishermen again.” This must make for interesting talk by the water cooler on Monday morning.

“What did you do over the weekend, Bob?”

“I became a pirate.”

This begs the question; if you received part of a $2 million ransom over the weekend, why go back into work on Monday?

I suppose they’re no different from Americans that you see win the lottery and then tell the press, “I’m still going to keep my job.”

Except for Hugh Heffner, I can’t imagine why anybody would still want to keep their day job.

Cloonan also says that $100 million dollars in $100 bills weighs 29 pounds, but of course we all know what that feels like.

Another question that baffles is why a pirate who makes a number of scores from a few multi-million dollar ransoms would continue stay in the pirate business. In a country as disparately poor as Somalia, I wouldn’t think it would take a lot of loot to live comfortably for the rest one’s life.

According to the BBC (whom I have heard of), Somali pirates now live a lavish lifestyle.

"They wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars; new guns," a local told the BBC.

In America, we call them “rap artists.”

The BBC also says that “once a pirate makes his fortune, he tends to take on a second and third wife.”

Well, I guess that answers the question as to why they continue to back to sea for more loot. Even in Somalia, supporting more than one wife probably costs a few bucks, not to mention the “getting out of the house” factor. Would you want to hang around the house with more than one wife getting on your case?

“You just want to go out with your friends! You never take me plundering anymore!”

The three pirates who held Captain Richard Phillips hostage got to experience the downside of criminal life, which is, being killed by in the act of pirating (well, they experienced it in the nanosecond it takes for a bullet to penetrate one’s skull).

The pirates did have a chance to get away alive, had they kept their word and exchanged Capt. Phillips for their captured colleague. Believe it or not, once upon a time there was something known as “The Pirate Code of Conduct.” Yes, pirates once had ethics, as written by the infamous “Black Bart.”

Among the 11 articles were “No boys or women on board.” I’m sure that made a group of men spending months at sea in cramped quarters extremely happy.

Not all pirates are dangerous, though.

There’s a group of inept Pirates in Pittsburgh that don’t scare anybody.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:38 PM

April 21, 2009

Marathon Man

Patriot’s Day means three things in Massachusetts, the Boston Red Sox will play at 11 a.m., and the Boston Marathon will be run, and state workers will have the day off.

I was fortunate enough to be invited by a friend who conveniently lives on Beacon St., right around the 23 mile mark, to stop by and watch the festivities from there.

It seems that getting to the Marathon itself is kind of well, a marathon. State officials make it a point to tell the public to use public transportation. What they fail to realize is that many people have to use private transportation to get to the public transportation.

I traveled to Oak Grove in Malden to use P.T., but got shut out of a parking space there. Fortunately, I was early enough at Wellington Station to get one of the few remaining parking spots, and from there, made my way to the dreaded Green Line.

Between the Red Sox and Marathon crowd, one could only hope to squeeze or be squeezed onto a Green Line car. I retreated to the well of the steps of the car, fortunately on the side where the doors weren’t opening, and had to stand in an awkward position, keeping my weight on one leg to avoid being crushed my the throngs of people. Still, I found myself forced into some intimate moments with total strangers. My positioning forced me to make a new friend as eye was at eye level with a woman sitting in the first chair by the door I was at. Over the P.A. system the conductor scolded us like school children, repeatedly yelling, “Move all the way in! Watch the doors! Watch the doors!”

If she’d yelled “Raus! Raus!” I would’ve gotten nervous.

As luck would have it, I arrived at my destination just in time to catch the leaders coming by. You can tell by the slow speed of the motorcycle police coming down Beacon Street that the lead runners are arriving and that it’s not and attempt to pull over an errant motorist.

The winners, Ethiopia's Deriba Merga and Kenya's Salina Kosgei, come by and then the trickle of elite runners make their way past. Shortly thereafter, more and more runners go by and eventually the solid, but non-elite runners start to arrive en masse. As the line continues, more and more runners are walking. I find myself trying to encourage them with shouts of “You can do it!” or “Just three miles to go!”

It hits me how ridiculous this sounds. That makes it sounds like three miles is easy, when I know that I could not run the final three miles, much less the previous 23 that they’ve just run.

“You can do it!”?

Hell, I know that I can’t do it. In fact, I find myself feeling guilty for getting tired just clapping for ten minutes for people who have now run 23 miles.

The wheelchair athletes courageously make their way past, and deservedly get plenty of support.

One guy has clearly given up, judging by the fact that he is now walking with a Bud Light can in his hand, no less. Glad to see he followed a strict training regimen.

A female runner veers close to the curb and screams, “I need water! I need water!”

Fortunately, a woman a few feet away, who has her infant in a stroller, has a small bottle of water in her hand and removes the cap and hands it to the runner, who continues on her way. It might’ve been interesting to see what would have happened if she gave the runner the bottle of formula attached to the stroller.

It was right around then when the less serious runners come by. Super Heroes were well represented, with Captain America, Wonder Woman and Batman all making an appearance. No doubt, marathoners get asked a lot “Why on earth would you want to run 26 miles?” Perhaps an even more pertinent question is “Why on earth you would want to run 26 miles in a Batman costume?”

Also, a man with a blonde wig (with pig tails) comes by dressed as a Hooters waitress.

Other entertainment includes a tuba player and a man playing a sort of tom-tom or small kettledrum. One would never think that a tuba could be so melodic. Then a woman chimes in with her fife, much to the seeming annoyance of the tuba player who is forced by her to continuously play the song “Mama’s Little Baby Loves Shortening” (or whatever it’s called). My party host, Mike Donovan, videotapes the proceedings and joins in on tambourine, which seems to annoy the fife player. You can tell from her reaction in Mike’s video that she’s a little miffed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5jvrbHf5Ws&feature=channel

The Green Line train ride home wasn’t nearly as crowded, but with the Red Sox and Marathon traffic dispersing, takes an interminable hour. There is some entertainment as a young man on the train decides to use his cell phone to videotape the big drunk guy a few feet away. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to sober up and find that on YouTube some day.

So, if you know someone who ran the Boston Marathon, buy him or her a well-deserved beer…or Gatorade…or some deodorant.

Posted by dmargarita at 5:28 PM

March 9, 2009

Octo-Putz

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned over the course of my several decades on this planet, it’s that…most people are human.

We all make mistakes and do stupid things. Very few of us have those stupid things publicized in the national media, however.

There continues to be quite a buzz about Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets, although technically, I think eight babies qualifies as a litter.

Those are enough babies to qualify for her to have her own sort of collective noun, as a “pride” of lions or a “gaggle” of geese or a “plague” of locusts. Perhaps a “bundle of Suleman’s.”

Much vitriol has been spewed toward Ms. Suleman for opting to have six embryos implanted, while she was already caring for six other children. Two of those embryos split to give her two sets of twins. I’ll bet she wasn’t counting on that happening.

All 14 of Ms. Suleman’s children were conceived through in vitro fertilization, in which (according to eMedicineHealth.com) a man’s sperm is used to fertilize a woman’s egg in a Petri dish. The embryo is then implanted in the woman’s uterus. Putting it completely in medical terms pretty much takes the hotness out of sex, doesn’t it? (Cue the porno music here). In Ms. Suleman’s case, the embryos were then frozen for later use, when they were implanted in her.

Like I say, we’re all human and make mistakes. I realize that accidents can happen. Sometimes things break or things leak or in the heat of passion, things don’t get used. Getting implanted with six embryos is no accident. It’s not as though she was on her way to the shower, slipped, fell into a vat of embryos and got pregnant. Whoops!!

The British tabloid, The Sun reports that Suleman met her sperm donor, David Soloman, in a nightclub. Well, pretty much every guy in a nightclub goes in there hoping to be a sperm donor, but probably not in the manner that Mr. Soloman participated.

I don’t know who made the first move or what the opening line was that night.

“Hi, I’m Nadya. How’d ya like to produce bodily fluids into a plastic cup?”

Suleman also claims not to have had sex in eight years. She didn’t even get to experience the most fun part of having babies…making them!

Celebrity website TMZ.com announced that Suleman has been offered $1 million to star in a porno film. As for the obvious title, that has already been trademarked by the producers of the James Bond movie Octopussy (I’m not even going to attempt to get that into the print version of this column). Perhaps they could go with Eight Ain’t Enough or The Curious Case of Nadya Suleman.

Suleman admitted in an interview that she always wanted to have a lot of babies to make up for what she felt was neglect during her childhood. Childhood abandonment issues are not uncommon, but people usually go see a therapist to deal with it instead of having babies (Sorry, Tom Cruise...I’ve tried it, and found that therapy helps). I hope that radical medical procedures don’t become a common form of therapy.

“I was always estranged from my parents…so I had a sex change.”

Much has been made of Ms. Suleman’s seeming attempts to look like actress Angelina Jolie, with her full lips. Photos of a younger Suleman seem to indicate that she indeed, like Jolie, may have had cosmetic surgery to achieve this look, unless she is still recovering from an allergic reaction to a bee sting. Wanting to look like Jolie is fine (although if she wanted to look like Phyllis Diller, I’d be more concerned). Wanting to be a role model like Jolie, who in her capacity as UN Goodwill Ambassador, has attempted to highlight the plight of Africa’s poor, is admirable. However, while some cosmetic surgery merely affects her bank account, caring for a large brood not only affects her bank account, but also her mother’s (whose home is being foreclosed on) as well as taxpayers who will need to support her clan. This isn’t admirable but frankly, quite selfish. Ms. Jolie is wealthy and can afford to adopt the entire country of Burkina Faso is she so chooses, because she could provide for them.

Ms. Suleman is unemployed and how she plans to provide for her children remains to be seen. Perhaps she’s counting on evolution to grow six more breasts to feed the kids, but I’d have to say that’s a long-shot.

Two publicists have already abandoned working for Suleman so far. The first resigned after receiving death threats and the second resigned because she says Suleman “is nuts.” (Note to self: do NOT hire this PR person).

As a result of Suleman’s actions, medical ethicists are now debating the issue of whether a limit should be placed on the number of embryos implanted in a woman, while not addressing the sticky subject of when life begins. The religious right has stated firmly that life begins at conception, which brings it’s own conundrum. In researching this piece I saw an Internet story about a woman having an embryo that’s been frozen for 21 years, implanted in her womb. If life does indeed begin at conception, this means that she will give birth to a 21-year-old baby. Thus, immediately upon entering the world, this baby will be able to drink legally and vote.

“It’s a college graduate!”

Whatever one thinks of Ms. Suleman, I think it’s important to remember that there are eight innocent babies who aren’t to blame for their mother’s judgment, or lack thereof, not to mention her already existing brood of previous children. For their sake, I hope people can give up the vitriol and help these kids.

If Ms. Suleman had 14 kids because she felt neglected as an only child, I can’t imagine what her kids will do for attention when they grow up.

Posted by dmargarita at 11:12 AM

February 9, 2009

In The News...

Sen. Norm Coleman ( R), MN., recently told a conservative radio station “God wants me to serve.” God, calling into the show, told Coleman that he misunderstood him and that he was referring to “hors d’ouerves.” God also apologized for giving the Bush administration faulty intelligence about Iraq’s WMD program.

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A 36-year-old Vermont woman is fine after being hit by a train while out snowmobiling with friends. Neither she nor her husband, Wile E. Coyote, could be reached for comment.

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News reports by the Sports Illustrated claim that New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003. Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, who collected $8 million last year while not throwing a pitch but instead, just sat around on his ample buttocks, tested positive for hemorrhoids.

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Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps apologized for using “bad judgment” when a photo revealed him smoking marijuana from a bong. Phelps decided to apologize instead of his initial inclination to claim that the pipe was an “over-water breathing apparatus.” Phelps was charged with driving under the influence in 2004 and apologized then. Phelps also stated that there are several more drugs that he has yet to try and apologize for doing.

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Street artist Shepard Fairey (not to be confused with the mythical creature who leaves wool under your pillow) pleaded not guilty to vandalizing property in Boston, allegedly writing graffiti on the Boston University Bridge and on an overpass on Storrow Drive. Crack Boston detectives caught Fairey when the artist, like most artists, signed his work.

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Chinese officials deny government censorship to a U.N. Human Rights board in Switzerland. When contacted, several Chinese news outlets say they know nothing about it.

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The bad luck for China continued when a prestigious new, nearly finished luxury hotel went up in flames during a fireworks display. Chinese officials announced an end to their experimental “indoor fireworks” program. Fortunately, no one was injured as the community had been well prepared by performing several fire drills.

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The Chinese premier, Wen Jiabao, asked British officials to pardon a student who threw a shoe at him on Feb. 2 during a speech in London. Fortunately, Jiabao didn’t give the speech in the U.S. on February 2nd, as someone may have thrown a groundhog at him.

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President Barack Obama has offered to continue to compromise with congressional Republicans on his proposed stimulus package. The GOP says they’ll agree to a compromise of Obama dropping everything in the bill he wants, and just agreeing to what they want.

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Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets, while already caring for six previous children, announced that she’ll intends to have one more baby to add to her octuplets to give her a potential future baseball team. Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein states, “That’s taking promoting from within to the extreme.” In an exclusive interview, NBC’s Ann Curry asked Shuleman “How will you feed all these children?” Shuleman replied that she is counting on evolution to provide her with several more breasts.

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Conservative pundit Ann Coulter is being investigated for potential voter fraud for voting in Connecticut while being registered to vote in the state of New York. This is not the first time Coulter has faced such accusations. In 2006 she was being investigated for potential voter fraud for voter fraud for voting in the wrong precinct in Florida, but the statute of limitations ran out before charges could be filed. Coulter appears regularly on Fox News, which also has been accused of fraud for posing as a news organization.

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Micah Grimes, a girl’s high school basketball coach at The Covenant School in Texas, was fired after refusing to apologize for his team beating an opponent 100-0. Other losers in the deal include gamblers who bet on Covenant to beat the point spread, which was 102 points.

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So goes all the news that’s fit to print…and stuff I’ll make up.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:57 PM

January 26, 2009

Bail Money

I think that this could be the worst porno flick ever:

Ding dong:

“Hi. Did somebody here request a $5 billion government financial bailout?”
“No, but as long as you’re here…”

This thought comes to mind because Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis have considered asking congress to bail out the porn industry. Hey, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

Larry Flynt has long been a well-known figure in America, having fought before the Supreme Court in the case Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell (Seriously, why would I write fiction when reality is so fantastic?). That battle was depicted in the movie The People vs. Larry Flint, which starred former Cheers actor Woody Harrelson. I have to think that if Nicholas Colasanto, the actor who preceded Harrelson as “Coach” on the show hadn’t died, that he probably wouldn’t have landed the role of Larry Flynt in that film.

For those of you unfamiliar with Joe Francis, some evening when you can’t sleep, turn on any cable channel on TV. Chances are you’ll run into a Girls Gone Wild infomercial, the premise of which is that Mr. Francis and his cohorts convince drunken young women, who at the moment aren’t considering that videotape lasts longer than a buzz, to flash themselves for the TV cameras.

With congress doling out money to the banking and auto industries, Flynt and Francis seem to think that congress should consider their needs as well. According to msnbc.com, Flynt and Francis claim that XXX DVD sales are down 22 percent, which means that people will have to resort to using their imaginations or worse, begin having actual relationships with other human beings.

"People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement.

If that’s true, it seems to me that the problem here is not the lack of sex, but the depression. In either case, there are pills that can take care of both of those problems (although Tom Cruise might disagree on the depression aspect).

"This is very unhealthy as a nation,” Flynt continued. “Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex" (Insert your own marriage joke here).

Maybe, but what will teenagers do without the back seats of cars?

“The US government should actively support the adult industry's survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people," msnbc.com goes on to quote Flynt as saying.

I’m not sure that “cherish” is the right word in this instance. I doubt that Norman Rockwell would cite “baseball, apple pie and Hustler” as his idea of All-American institutions.

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” Flynt concludes.

Really? Have you watched TV lately, Larry? I can’t watch a Bullwinkle cartoon without commercials for Viagra, Enzyte, Cialis or Levitra, not to mention a number of Victoria’s Secret ads being thrown at me. I guess he hasn’t seen the Girls Gone Wild infomercials, either.

It seems to me that during the Great Depression, the long lines of people you see in newsreels were lined up to get bread, not porn magazines.

I can’t imagine Bing Crosby singing:

“Brother, can you spare some porn?”

Perhaps along with food stamps, poor Americans can be also rationed out their share of pornography to help get them back on their feet, although I guess Mr. Flynt’s contention is that not enough American’s are staying off of their feet.

“Congress must rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America” Flynt stated. Aside from that statement giving me visuals of Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi that I don’t want in my head, one need only to read a newspaper and the goings on in congress to know that there’s nothing wrong with most American’s sexual appetite.

On the other hand (no pun intended), perhaps one doesn’t need porn to rejuvenate one’s sexual appetite…one needs to run for political office.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:29 PM

December 15, 2008

A Midsummer Night's Christmas

“‘Twas the night before Christmas and at Santa’s beach house, Mrs. Claus in the hot tub, not wearing a blouse.”

Well, that may be how the famous poem should read now that astronomers have concluded that the Star of Bethlehem may have been one of a series of astrological occurrences in June of the period, thus placing Jesus’ birth date in June, not December.

This puts an entirely new light on how the birth of Jesus could have gone, not to mention how we would’ve viewed Santa Claus if we’d considered Christmas a warm-weather event. Indeed, perhaps Santa would be located in the Gobi Desert instead of the North Pole.

Can you see a slim, tanned Old Saint Nick in a red T-shirt and Bermuda shorts? A warm-weather Santa would be more likely to use camels and not reindeer to pull his sleigh. Perhaps it’s time that we update Clement Moore’s famous poem anyway, as it should probably be made more politically correct and inclusive.

“On Kandi, on Tammy, on Brandi (with an “I”) and Stacey! On Darnell, on Hammed, on Rufus and Gracie!”

According to MSNBC’s website, one of the events that occurred in 3 B.C. (did anyone ever look at a calendar back then and wonder what “B.C.” meant?), was when Jupiter passed so closely to Venus that they may have looked like one star. This rare grouping of planets, according to MSNBC (yeah, like I’d know this without the Internet), is called a “conjunction” and now we know its function (you have to be over forty to get that).

This June scenario certainly makes it more likely that the Three Wisemen would have walked hundreds of miles to follow a star, although one might question the wisdom of such a journey at any time of the year. Then again, bringing frankincense to an infant as a gift doesn’t make all that much sense, either.

A recent report by the Associated Press states that with easing tensions, tourism in Bethlehem is on the rise again after political violence had subdued the industry for years. Hotels and motels are booked solidly through January. Legendary philosopher, Charlie Brown, noted as far back as 1965 that Christmas has gotten increasingly commercial and I don’t envision that it is any different now in Bethlehem.

I can imagine some of the cheesier motel names.

“The No Room At The Inn Inn.”

Being solidly booked, they would appropriately be flashing a “No Vacancy” sign.

Perhaps the “Manger Motel” in the actual Manger Square could sell out without advertising “Free Adult Movies.” They would be more inclined to have a sign that reads “Ox and Lambs Welcome.” It is still a conservative part of the world, so Western travelers going there should not expect to see “The Gaza Strip Club.”

Modern day pilgrims might as well forget about bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to Bethlehem. These days you can’t get toothpaste on an airplane, much less myrrh…unless, of course, you have your myrrh in a clear, zip-lock baggie.

Upon entering the country you’d have to declare gold, one would assume. Your best bet is to change currency before you leave your port of departure. In the current economic climate the dollar isn’t getting a good exchange rate in too many places, and probably never got a good exchange rate for the shekel. That might have had something to do with why Jesus turned over the moneychanger’s table.

Here in this season of peace and love (perhaps you should stay away from newspapers for a while), I want to wish my Christians friends a Merry Christmas and my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukah.

As for my atheist friends, enjoy the day off.

Seriously, peace and love to you all.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:34 PM

November 11, 2008

Revolutionary Mud

ELECTION DAY---By the time you read this column, we will have selected a new president of the United States of America. Of course, I made that same declaration in 2000, only to have the election drag on for several more weeks.

People decry the mudslinging in presidential campaigns, and this year is no different with John McCain (whose 2000 campaign was derailed by George W. Bush’s camp’s innuendo) and his minions, intimating that Barack Obama is a socialist, a Muslim, and a terrorist, among other things. For their part, the Obama camp has said that John McCain is…old.

Historians often appear on TV and declare that dirty campaigns have always been a part of American history (yeah, I’m talking about you, Kearns-Goodwin), but that certainly wasn’t the case at the very beginning. The revered and beloved George Washington ran unopposed, so if there was any mudslinging, he would’ve had to have thrown it at himself. That certainly would’ve made for an interesting stump speech.

“My fellow Americans, I would not trust me on foreign issues. I have no experience in these matters, so vote for me at your own peril.”

According to CNN's website, Washington’s successors, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson began what we now know as “mudslinging.” The Jeffersonian’s accused Adams of being a “hermaphrodite” while the Adam’s camp called Jefferson “the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father."

If the latter were true, Barack Obama wouldn’t actually be making history if elected.

Speaking of slavery (there’s a segue you don’t often hear), Jefferson had hired a man named James Callendar to smear Adams (sort of the first Karl Rove) which resulted in Callendar going to prison for slander. Upon his release from prison, Callendar, feeling unsupported by Jefferson, broke the story that Jefferson had not only lived with, but fathered children with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings.

Jefferson ignored the charge, with no “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Sally Hemings” type of press conference. While certainly a brilliant and well-read man, Jefferson could not have foreseen the advent of something called DNA testing.

The Adams family (the presidents, not the freaks Morticia and Gomez) lived through another dirty campaign when Andrew Jackson ran against incumbent John Quincy Adams in 1828.

Jackson supporters mocked Adams as and “elitist” (we’ve come a long way, haven’t we?) and his education and intelligence were used against him. You certainly don’t want those qualities in a president. On the other hand, Jackson was illiterate and probably couldn’t even have read the children’s book My Pet Goat.

Rumors were spread that while an ambassador to Russia, Adams had procured American girls for sex for the czar and Adams was labeled a “pimp.” Perhaps the wide-brimmed purple hat and purple carriage didn’t help his image any.

While that charge is likely untrue, the Adams charge of bigamy against Jackson’s wife appears to have been valid. It seems that Rachel Jackson didn’t bother to get a divorce from her previous husband before marrying Jackson. I suppose the Adams camp would’ve had a field day if they had run agaisnt Jerry Lee Lewis.

Things weren’t much better in the election of 1884 when it was revealed that candidate Grover Cleveland, a bachelor, had fathered a child out of wedlock. This promoted chants from opponents of “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?” This was sort of the Youtube moment of 1884. Despite this, Cleveland won the election and his supporters retorted “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa? Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!” Since child labors laws weren’t in effect at the time, it appears that that Cleveland hired some 12 years olds on his campaign staff.

Cleveland’s lack of military service didn’t help him at all. Oh, he could have served in the Civil War, but sent a replacement to fight for him, which was legal at the time. He didn’t need to have his father get him into the National Guard.

Tomorrow when I wake up, I will find out who our new Commander-in-Chief is. Well, probably.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:36 PM

September 28, 2008

Lactose Intolerant

Regular readers of this space know that I tend to be left-leaning in my politics, but I try to call ‘em like I see ‘em, and if that means taking the left to task, I will. Thus, when I read recent news reports that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has asked the ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s to substitute cow milk with human breast milk in their ice cream, in my head it was a column screaming “Write me! Write me!”

I can appreciate that PETA doesn’t want cows to suffer, and kudos to them for bringing the plight of cows to our attention. If you’re wondering just how bad it can be, you can check out FactoryFarm.org but seriously, do you want human breast milk in your diet?

There are several things to be considered before going this particular route. First of all, do you plan to hire the thousands upon thousands of women it would require to replace Ben & Jerry’s milk supply? Just how many women would it take to produce enough milk to fill Ben & Jerry’s needs (insert your own Dolly Parton joke here)? This would likely be extremely expensive not to mention the image of several topless women hooked up to machines being “milked” (worst porn flick ever!) doesn’t exactly shriek “political correctness.” I’m not sure how PETA wants it to work but I don’t see them endorsing “women” farms where the gals are herded into a barn by border collies.

That certainly would’ve given John Wayne’s western films a different perspective of their cattle drives.

“We’ve gotta get this heard of women through to Sacramento, Pilgrim.”

As is usually the case, it likely will be destitute women, in serious need of cash being taken advantage of and being paid low wages for their services. I can’t imagine a woman giving up a lucrative career on the board of IBM to take up a livelihood as a wet nurse.

Sure, most of us start out with breast milk as babies which not only gives infants needed nutrition but also provides them with their mom’s immunities, so it’s a natural thing in that respect. Right or wrong, however, after a certain age we just don’t do it in our culture. Although, I’m sure if you searched the Internet long enough, you’ll find some fetish site or something where some people do it for kicks.

Just how and when humans came to discover that we could and should drink cow’s milk and not say, dog milk, I have no idea. Goat’s milk is often used for human consumption but offhand, I can’t think of any other mammal whose milk we consume.

Ben & Jerry’s is just one company and thus make up a small percentage of the cow milk used. Will PETA try to get all of Western society to replace cow milk with human milk? Will we start seeing billboards with famous athletes sporting a “milk mustache” with a caption reading “got boobs?”

Of course, if Ben & Jerry’s ever decide to make this switch to breast milk, this would provide them with a new array of flavors with cutesy names, as is their penchant, including:

Racky Road
Booblegum
Knockerwurst
Watermelons
Boob-Berry (not to be confused with the children’s cereal)
Nipple Chocolate Fudge
Reese’s Peanut Butter D Cup
And in keeping with their theme of celebrity-inspired names, such as “Cherry Garcia” there could be “Dolly Part-skim.”

However well-intentioned PETA might be in their attempts to save cows, I have to say that this is idea is simply (wait for it)…udder nonsense.

Posted by dmargarita at 3:11 PM

August 11, 2008

In The News...

In a White House press conference today, President Bush denounced the Russian invasion of Georgia. The president assured the American public, however, that the Atlanta Braves baseball team was in no immediate danger.

A military tribunal convicted Osama bin Laden’s former chauffer, Salim Hamdan, on charges of supporting terrorism. Bin Laden’s former stable cleaner, Hassan bin Sober, is currently awaiting trial on charges of "crimes against humanity."

Former Democratic Vice Presidential nominee, Sen. John Edwards, admitted publicly to having an affair in 2006. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said today “It looks like I’m not the only one who paid $400 for a trim.”

Posted by dmargarita at 6:10 PM

July 15, 2008

Mr. Mom

Every time that I begin a column with the sentence “Just when you thought life couldn’t get any weirder,” life gets even weirder.

Several news outlets have reported that a man named Thomas Beatie has given birth to a baby girl. I’ll give you a minute to re-read that sentence. Yes, you read it correctly.

Born a female, the 34-year-old Beatie decided about 10 years ago to become a man and began taking testosterone treatments and had his/her (for the sake of convenience, I’ll refer to Beatie as he/him for the rest of this article, since he is legally considered a man) breasts removed. Lest there be some confusion, this was done surgically and not through extensive work on the Bowflex machine, although does also claim to have “Buns of Steel.”

His wife Nancy, unable to conceive on her own due to a hysterectomy, told Oprah Winfrey in April that the couple conceived using artificial insemination. How that usually is done, I don’t know, but Mrs. Beatie told Oprah that she inseminated him using a syringe. Presumably, the couple then smoked a cigarette and waited for the results.

The couple own and operate a T-shirt printing business in Bend (as in “Gender Bend”) Oregon. This should give the couple a whole new slew of sayings to put on their T-shirts. I can see all the cute T-shirts hanging side-by-side, reading "I'm With Stupid" and "I'd Rather Be Fishing" and “My Husband Also Has a Vagina.” Rest assured, that sentence will be altered for the print version.

MSNBC reported on their website that the couple used sperm that was “purchased from a bank.” Perhaps someone should tell their interns that in journalism, clarity is one of the most important aspects of the business. MSNBC shouldn’t assume that readers will know that the purchase was made from a sperm bank and not the First National Bank of Portland.

Keeping his reproductive organs paid off, for while they used donor sperm for the insemination process, Mr. Beatie was able to use his own eggs. For my customary bad-pun-per-column, I’ll let you insert your own “Egg Beaties” joke here.

Mr. and Mrs. Beatie announced that the baby was not born by Caesarian section as previously reported, and before you say “Ouch!” out loud, it should be known that when Beatie changed his gender, he decided to keep his reproductive organs to retain the ability to have children someday. Coincidently, this also gives him the ability to be the most popular guy in his gym’s men’s locker room.

When the couple decided to conceive about two years ago, Beatie stopped his bimonthly hormone treatments and resumed menstruating. The products he will need for now will not be available in that same men’s locker room.

People Magazine quotes Beatie as saying “The only thing different about me is that I can’t breast feed my baby, but a lot of mothers don’t.” True, but not many mothers have to deal with 5 o’clock shadow.

The couple plan to keep an otherwise traditional family relationship and Mrs. Beatie told Oprah that “He’s going to be the father, and I’m going to be the mother.”

I guess I know what that means in terms of their relationship, but it leaves me with one question that still puzzles me:

Does Mr. Beatie leave the toilet seat up or down?

Posted by dmargarita at 5:50 PM

July 8, 2008

Java Jive

I heard a very disturbing medical fact recently: scientists have determined that life is the leading cause of death. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit…but mot much.

I can’t remember exactly what it was, but I read something about a food that was always supposed to be very good for you, was suddenly now very bad for you. It reminded me of an old Time or Newsweek cover that begged the question “So, what can we eat?” after a good food was determined to be a bad food.

Now WebMD and other sources quote new studies that say having at least six cups of coffee per day can reduce the risk of type 2 diabetes, increase your life span and even possibly prevent cavities. I’m assuming that’s coffee with artificial sweetener, which will just give you cancer.

The article goes on to state that people who smoke and are heavy drinkers have less heart disease and liver damage if they’re regular coffee drinkers (and if you drink a lot of coffee, you will be regular). There’s a health plan for you. Drink up folks, and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!

So who needs an HMO when you have five Dunkin Donuts right here in Stoneham? I don’t think anyone in this town will ever die. We also learned a few years back that a glass of red wine a day was good for the heart. That’s just the excuse that’s kept people away from their AA meetings.

The majority of American adults drink coffee, as are an increasing number of children. However, I don’t expect that any time soon you’ll see the kids stop chasing the ice cream man and start chasing the coffee truck. They even cite one study where children in Brazil who drink coffee with milk each day are less likely to have depression. Well, they might be less depressed because their country is not currently in the middle of a coup.

Not that long ago, people were told to cut down on their caffeine intake because it can lead to high blood pressure and has caused some people to have trouble sleeping. On the other hand, you may have trouble sleeping because you’re worried about your high blood pressure.

This seems to follow along the lines of The Atkins Diet which swept the country a few years back. After decades of being told that eggs were bad for you because of the cholesterol, a Dr. Atkins came up with a diet that featured eggs prominently as a means of losing weight.

“What a shame to lose Fred at such a young age.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t he look great? Lost a ton of weight.”

You might recall that for eons we were told that cholesterol was bad for us. Then, we were told that there was good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. How were we to know the difference? The good cholesterol wore the white hats.

The article goes on to state that caffeine can also enhance athletic performance and thus was considered a “controlled substance” by the Olympic Games Committee. That’s no surprise. I’ve been watching professional sports for years and can usually tell when someone’s on coffee. If only the “juiced” players would just switch to juice.

According to news reports, the study began in 1980 and ended in 2004 and involved 84,214 women. A follow-up study of men ran from 1986 to 2004, which means that between 1980 and 2004, there were 125,950 people who didn’t sleep through five presidential administrations.

This extensive study took a long time and undoubtedly required researchers to down gallons of coffee to stay awake. Wouldn’t that be a conflict of interest?

As for me, I’m exhausted.

I need a nap.

Posted by dmargarita at 1:33 PM

June 2, 2008

Research This!

Many people go out to Hollywood for the same reason: to become famous actors. Famous actors and actresses seem to commit crimes for one reason: research.

The news that Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal was arrested in New York City for trying to buy crack cocaine, while sad, also has an all-too-familiar ring to it. The actress reportedly told police that she was merely researching a part as a junky, which, these days, seems to be the criminal defense excuse of the stars. I suppose that when she won her Oscar at 10-years-old as a con artist in the movie Paper Moon, she time-traveled back to The Depression to research that role.

You may recall that when actress Winona Ryder was arrested for shoplifting several years ago, she claimed to have been doing research for an upcoming role.

Saks Fifth Avenue employees spotted Ryder stuffing things into her bag and stopped her outside of the store. When the Girl was Interrupted from her stealing binge, she lost her Age of Innocence, and Great Balls of Fire!, risked spending time in prison with several not-so Little Women. Ryder was found guilty of the shoplifting charges, while I’m clearly guilty of not being able to think of better Winona Ryder movies to use for puns.

Rocker Pete Townshend was arrested several years ago on child pornography charges, which caused fans of The Who to reinterpret every Who song, starting with It’s a Boy, (A Side Note: Checking the Internet for “It’s a Boy!” to get my facts right, brought up a site with that title which is described as “a short, friendly summary of the case for not circumcising your son”) right through See Me, Feel Me.

Townshend publicly explained that he visited a child pornography site (but didn’t download anything) as part of his research for an upcoming autobiography. Presumably, he’s not going with his original title “Pete Townshend: My Life With Child Pornography.”

Of course, it’s not uncommon for actors to do research. Most famously, Robert DeNiro put on 50 pounds to play boxer Jake LaMotta for LaMotta’s later years in the movie Raging Bull, rather than wearing a “fat suit” in the film. DeNiro also got in the ring and boxed, a stark contrast from the days before “method acting” when John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart played the same character, themselves, no matter what the film role was. Could you see John Wayne or Humphrey Bogart auditioning for the lead role in Capote?

Let’s assume that DeNiro didn’t actually kill anybody to research any of his roles as a mobster, in films such as Goodfellas or Analyze This.

Actor Harry Hamlin, 1987’s “People’s Sexiest Man Alive!” (Beat me by that much…a tribute to the upcoming Get Smart movie), once told of researching for his part as a gay man for a role in the film Making Love, by hanging out in a gay bar. Hit on by an interested patron, he explained to the guy that he wasn’t really gay but just researching a role. The man replied “You’re the fifth guy to tell me that tonight!”

While Hamlin got a laugh with that story on a talk show, it’s kind of sad to know there’s some guy out there that nobody found attractive.

According to Usmagazine.com, where I usually to go to learn about the important events of the world, O’Neal chronicled her battle with drugs and alcohol in her 2004 memoir A Paper Life and went into rehab in 1996. The American Medical Association has classified alcoholism as a disease, while one could also attribute at least some of Ms. O’Neal’s problems to having been married to ex-tennis star John McEnroe.

So, if you ever see my photo in a newspaper for some reason, remember, I wasn’t really attempting to rob a bank…it was just research.

Posted by dmargarita at 8:27 PM

May 24, 2008

The Dead Zone

If a proposed cell phone tower goes up in St. George’s cemetery as planned, it might be the most ironic statement for someone there, the most quiet and solemn of places, to ask someone else on a phone call “Can you hear me now?”

Neighbors of Framingham’s St. George’s cemetery are upset that Omnipoint Communications, a subsidiary of T-Mobil, is trying to erect an 80-100 foot monopole at the wooded edge of the cemetery (You’d think that for the kind of money involved, they’d at least spring for a “stereopole”).

The Metro West Daily News quotes a neighbor as saying she’s worried that the tower will bring property values down. Let me get this straight…a pole in a wooded area will bring down surrounding property values…but a lot full of corpses won’t?

I recall talking to a prospective home-buyer who turned down a house she liked because it was located next to a cemetery. If there is one house upon which you won’t have to call the cops on the neighbors, that’s the one. Then again, if you do have trouble with those neighbors, you might have to call Ghostbusters.

The reason for the pole is that there are certain “dead spots” of phone service in that area of Framingham. You’ve gotta love the irony of that.

One of the complaints that cell phone users have is that they lose service while driving on the Mass Pike. Having been nearly run off the road twice by people chatting on their cell phones while driving, the idea that drivers might be more inclined to chat while on the Pike doesn’t appeal to me. It makes it more likely that someone will be killed and wind up…in the cemetery. It seems the irony never ends.

On the other hand, this could’ve made things easier for celebrated magician Harry Houdini, who legend has it, had a phone buried with him so that he could call his wife from the Great Beyond. Boy, you talk about a long distance call. Of course legend also said that Jerry Mathers of Leave It To Beaver fame, was killed in Viet Nam. So why am I always listening to legend? I don’t even listen to singer John Legend!

Speaking of legends, a quick search on the Internet, which Sen. Ted Stevens (R ) of Alaska tells us is “a series of tubes,” finds that St. George is the Patron Saint of England. According to one site, the people of a village were being terrorized by a dragon that was eating two sheep each day. With mutton being scarce, the villagers decided to substitute maidens for sheep. Apparently, maidens were pretty plentiful; at least enough so that the village could spare a few, but I’ll leave the reader to make his or her own sheep joke. This story I would assume to be apocryphal since, while I find it hard to believe that there are dragons, I’m less inclined to believe that a village would feel it would be okay to toss out some perfectly good maidens, but I digress.

The Archdiocese of Boston, which owns St. George’s, seems to have been in the dark about the cell tower issue. According to the Metro West, the Rev. Frank O'Brien, a priest at St. George’s Church, tried to call the archdiocese about putting the cell tower in the new steeple which will replace the old one, but couldn’t get a hold of anyone. My guess is that he had poor cell phone service.

I guess it’s time to lay this story to rest.

Posted by dmargarita at 12:03 PM

May 6, 2008

Air Fair

If you thought it was expensive to fill up your hummer or even your Ford Escort, try filling up a jumbo jet. On second thought, please don’t pull your Boeing 757 into the self-serve pump at Hess. I know I’d be the one stuck behind you.

As if the terrorist attacks of 9-11-01 didn’t make air travel more of a hassle for you, the resulting sky-rocketing (pardon the pun) fuel prices are going to make it even more expensive for you.

Several airlines have announced that in an effort to combat rising fuel prices, they will be charging for amenities that had always been included in the fare. For instance, a window or aisle seat may be $5 extra. They don’t mention whether that includes the window that overlooks the wing. Who’d pay extra for that?

Extra leg room will cost you $10. If you are a tall person, you’re screwed. On the other hand, this could be one of the few times when a person will be glad to be short.

Next month, Jet Blue will charge for a pillow and a blanket. It seems to me, people will just be more likely bring a light jacket or sweater with them. Now if they threw in a hooker with the blanket and pillow, you might have a marketing bonanza on your hands.

Perhaps the airlines can be more specific: a pillow is $5 but if you want it deloused, that’s $10.

There are infinite possibilities to gouge passengers. If you put down your tray table, that’s $5. If you recline your chair, that’s $10. If you want to have a flotation device, that’s $20. Of course, this could benefit the passengers who tend to be smart shoppers. You might check to see if you’re flying over land the whole trip and if so, skip the flotation device and save a few bucks.

Is your flight a short one? Why not save money by opting to stand the whole way? Certain planes could be outfitted with straps like a subway train.

Once we are in the air, we are essentially a captive audience and I suppose we’d willingly pay whatever it takes to touchdown safely.

“Good afternoon, passengers. This is your Captain speaking. If you want me to land this plane safely, please pass up all your money and credit cards to the cabin. Hey, I’ve got a parachute. It doesn’t matter to me.”

We’ve known that oil is a limited commodity for over 30 years now and that at some point, we could be held hostage by the oil producing nations of the world (OPEC). Yet, we’ve made little progress in weaning ourselves off of oil in all this time. I suggest that we don’t even need fuel to fly aircraft, which has been proven for years. If all of our aircraft were gliders, this would solve many problems. Sure, we would need to construct unbelievably large rubber bands to propel them, especially on trans-Atlantic flights, but I have faith in American ingenuity.

There’s always the more risky aircraft made of giant paper airplanes, but my experience with them is that they fly uncontrollably in a circle for three seconds and crash into the teachers desk.

Anyway, paper airplanes would just wind up doing more to delete the rainforests.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:43 PM

April 6, 2008

In The News...

Legendary actor and former NRA head Charlton Heston has passed away at the age of 84. Family members are reported to have had to order an extra-large casket for Heston, as they are unable to pry his gun out of his "cold, dead hands."

************
Sen. Hillary Clinton has floated the possibility of offering the vice-presidential spot to rival Sen. Barack Obama, after often insinuating that Obama wouldn't be ready to lead the country "on day one." Apparently, Clinton feels Obama will be ready to lead the country by day two.

************
In the aftermath of the resignation of N.Y. Governor Elliot Spitzer, who was publicly linked to a prostitution service, his replacement, David Paterson, made it his first order of business to admit that he once had an extra-marital affair. I’ll have to do a little research to see if Thomas Jefferson included the phrase “Yes, I banged one of my slaves, Sally Hemmings” in his inaugural address. Although legally blind, Paterson avoided trying the excuse “Hey, I thought she was my wife.”

Posted by dmargarita at 12:56 PM

January 14, 2008

Disney-banned

It maybe a small world, but it’s not always a welcoming world to small people, after all.

The Orlando Sentinel and other news outlets have recently reported that Walt Disney World has banned young children from its upscale restaurant, Victoria & Albert’s. Ironically, while Victoria & Albert’s may have a minimum age requirement, Victoria’s Secret does not (I called and asked).

The posh restaurant is Disney’s only five-diamond AAA rated restaurant, and the paper quotes general manager Israel Perez as saying “We want to be the restaurant that's available for that adult experience.” The “adult experience”? That makes it sound like Disney is trying to get a XXX rating for the restaurant, which would give Disney World an entirely different image if the restaurant went truly “adult” and had waitresses dress as a topless Minnie Mouse.

Disney has always had its costumed characters roaming its parks but I never figured that the Chip ‘n Dale dancers would be replaced with the Chippendale Dancers.

Now, children under 10 years old are banned although how they can differentiate a 10-year-old from a 9-year-old remains to be seen. These kids aren’t likely to have a driver’s license or a liquor I.D. and there’s probably a law against cutting them in half and counting their rings.

Victoria & Albert’s has a strict dress code with men required to wear a jacket, women dresses or pants suits and prior to the ban, children a propeller beanie.

One can certainly understand why patrons might not want to have screaming children in their presence at this restaurant. It features a seven-course meal that can last three hours and starts at $125 per person. Have you ever sat on a plane with a screaming child for a three-hour flight? If you’re paying that kind of money, you don’t want to have to listen to a parent singing the Barney theme song to try and mollify a screaming youngster.

Victoria & Albert’s features live harp music and only seats 100 people, which means that there’s probably not a lot of room in the mosh pit.

Disney surveys have indicated that adults have “yearned for a more-adult” atmosphere according to Rosemary Rose, who by any other name is Disney’s vice president for food, beverage and merchandise operations, as well as possibly being responsible for hiring the strippers.

This is not the first Disney location to ban children. In the past, Disney has banned kids from Pleasure Island which makes one wonder what kind of pleasure the adults are having there. Yet, Disneyland’s posh Club 33, a private, invitation-only club allows young children, according to the Sentinel. I’d be a little nervous about attending a private club that invites children to attend. That sounds like the club is owned by Michael Jackson.

“Club 33 requests the presence of Master Timmy Johnson. RSVP in crayon, please.”

While they were once strictly a child and family entertainment company, several years ago they let their movie company begin to produce films with an “R” rating, much to the chagrin of “family” advocates, which might’ve been fine with Manson family advocates. Since Disney has seldom missed a chance to pick up a buck, maybe it is about time that they begin to feature adult-themed parks, rides and restaurants.

Surely there’s a market for an “Adult Toy Story” park or “The Jungle Karma Sutra Book.”

Disney has long been commendably progressive in giving benefits to employee same-sex partners, so there’s no reason they shouldn’t target the gay community as potential customers with “The Lion Queen” club.

For those with a peculiar fetish, you could just call it “The Little Mermaid.”

It may be a small world, but it’s certainly not the same one that the late Walt Disney departed from.

One can only wonder if he would be cheering these changes, or if his head would be spinning in his freezer.

Posted by dmargarita at 8:18 PM

December 30, 2007

2007: The Year In Review

Once again another year draws to a close and it’s time to take a look back at the highlights (and lowlights) of the year past. So, it’s time for my annual Year In Review, which I write every year, hence the term “annual” (like that joke).

Jan. 2---Oprah Winfrey opens a school for impoverished girls in South Africa, also gives each student a car.

Feb. 6---NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak is arrested for attempting to kidnap a romantic rival. After driving from Houston to Orlando with adult diapers in her car, Nowak confronts fellow astronaut Colleen Shipman and sprays pepper spray in Shipman’s eyes, resulting in Shipman seeing stars.

Feb. 25---Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth” about Global Warming wins an Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature. Gore also wins for “Most Lifelike Animated Creature.”

Mar. 6---I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby found guilty of lying to the FBI, lying to a grand jury and obstructing the investigation in the leaking of the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Not wanting an associate, much less a man named “Scooter” to have to serve hard time, President Bush immediately commutes Libby’s sentence.

Apr. 5---Several American dogs and cats die after eating poison-tainted Chinese-made pet food, yet deceased pets still manage to feel hungry an hour later.

April 9---Radio and TV talk show host Don Imus is suspended after referring to members of the Rutgers Women’s basketball team as “nappy-headed ho’s.” Imus’ remark is criticized as racist, sexist and unfair to well-coifed ho’s.

Apr. 10---Larry Birkhead, the former boyfriend of the late Anna Nicole Smith, is declared the father of Smith’s baby Dannielynne, beating out the parental claims of Howard K. Stern, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband Frederic von Anhalt and the Florida State football team.

May 17---Televangelist Rev. Jerry Falwell, who claimed that the 9-11 attacks were punishment from God for America’s liberal lifestyle, gets to discuss the matter in person with God when he dies at age 73. The passing of Falwell, founder of The Moral Majority, draws cheers from the immoral minority.

Jun. 13---1.5 million Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends Chinese-made toys are recalled due to a high lead paint content. When asked for a comment about the recall, Thomas declares “I think I can’t; I think I can’t; I think I can‘t.”

Jun. 26---Hotel heiress and renowned party animal Paris Hilton, sent for to jail for a DUI probation violation, is released from jail after spending 45 days behind bars. Upon her release, Hilton visits 45 bars.

Aug. 7---Suspected steroid and Human Growth Hormone user Barry Bonds passes Hank Aaron to become baseball’s all-time home run king by hitting HR number 756, which coincidentally, is also now Bonds’ hat size.

Aug. 13---Presidential aide Karl Rove, often referred to as “Bush’s Brain,” announces his resignation, effective Aug. 31. Bush then receives a new brain, named “Abby Normal.”

Aug. 27---Controversial Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, whose frequent use of the phrase “I don’t recall” in Congressional hearings frustrated lawmakers, announces his resignation. When asked by reporters why he was resigning, Gonzales replies “I‘m resigning?”

Aug. 28---Sen. Larry Craig (R-Id.) explains men’s room arrest for “disorderly conduct” in a press conference. Noting his “wide stance” in bathroom stalls, Craig declares “I’m not gay.” A survey of American males finds that most believe a wide potty stance to be “pretty gay.”

Sept. 16---O.J. Simpson is arrested in Las Vegas for robbery and assault, immediately begins work on his second book called “Of Course I Did It.”

Sept. 24---Thousands of protesters, led by 4,000 monks, protest against the military -ruled government of Burma. A non-self-flagellating sect, government officials provide the flagellation for monks.

Sept. 25---Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is indicted on charges of “unlawfully torturing and killing dogs.” Vick apologizes and promises that in the future he will make sure to “lawfully torture and kill dogs.”

Oct. 12---Al Gore wins Nobel Prize for his Global Warming effort, becoming the second person to win both an Oscar and Nobel Prize, after actress Rita Moreno.

Oct. 28---The Boston Red Sox win World Series. Hell, just thawing after the Sox 2004 World Series win, turns its thermostat all the way down again.

Nov. 5---TV Writers go on strike, compose some of the funniest and most creative picket signs in history, as well as some the worst crap ever written.

Nov. 15--Actress Lindsay Lohan spends 84 minutes in jail on alcohol-related charges. Lohan explains the short stay by saying that she got six minutes off “for good behavior.”
Nov. 15---Barry Bonds is indicted for perjury in his testimony in the BALCO steroids case, asks for Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer.

Nov. 29---British teacher Gillian Gibbons is found guilty by a Sudanese court of “insulting Islam” for naming a teddy bear Muhammad. She is sentenced to 15 days in jail while the teddy bear is sentenced to 40 lashes.

Nov. 30---Daredevil Evel Knievel makes his last jump---into The Great Beyond, as he passes away at age 69. Whether the daredevil will dare to dare the Devil, who is truly evil, remains unknown.

Dec.5----Actor Kiefer Sutherland, star of the hit TV drama "24" begins serving his 48 day sentence for a DUI probation violation. The booking takes place between 5 p.m. and 6 p.m. ("24" fans will get that).

Dec. 10---Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is sentenced to 23 months in prison for his role in a dog fighting ring. Vick’s 23 month sentence is the equivalent of 161 months to a dog.

Dec. 27---Former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto is assassinated after leaving a political rally when a gunman opened fire on her and then set off a suicide bomb, killing at least 20 other people. Government officials later claim that Bhutto’s death resulted from hitting her head on her car’s sunroof lever. While no autopsy is performed, a preliminary investigation declares “Yeah, right.”

There you have it. Here’s wishing you all Happy Holidays and hope that the year coming will be peaceful and prosperous for you and for me, humorous.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:41 PM

December 3, 2007

OH! OH! OH!

If the acting Surgeon General has his way, the next time Santa laughs, his belly will shake like a bowl full of…granola.

According to a recent story in The Boston Herald, acting (like a Grinch) Surgeon General Rear (acting like that, too) Adm. Steven K. Galson said in an interview that Santa should “slim down” as a role model for children. While Santa is certainly admired by many, I don’t think he is generally considered to be a role model. I doubt there are a lot of 10-year-old boys or girls with Santa posters hanging up in their room. If he were a role model, though, a kid could do far worse than a perpetually jolly man known for his kindness and extreme generosity.

Obesity is a big problem in America, particularly with kids, but girls and women are often feeling the pressure to be thin in our society and struggle with bulimia and anorexia. We don’t need to see an emaciated Santa with his fingers down his throat.

Certainly, there’s a fine line between rotundness and morbid obesity. It might psychologically scar a child for life to see Santa clutch his chest and fall to the floor with no sign of breathing, so a balance needs to be struck.

The report states that the head of the (I’m not making this up) Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas (AORBS) Nicholas (appropriately) Trolli agrees with the acting surgeon general that Santa is “too fat” and that he has suggested that its 800 members lose weight in time for its July convention. I’m not sure if that’s for health reasons or just to make certain that 800 Santas can fit together in one hotel ballroom.

In a related article, The Herald reports that in Australia and in some American venues, Santas have been ordered not to say “ho ho ho” for fear of offending women. Used by Santa, this phrase is merely a version of “ha ha ha” and not rap slang for the word “whore.” Nobody would condone a Santa greeting people by yelling “whore!, whore!, whore!.”

One could understand instructing civilian employees to use “Happy Holidays” so as not to offend anyone, but Santa is a Christmas symbol. If an Orthodox Rabbi said “shalom” to me or a Muslim cleric said “May Allah be with you” I wouldn’t be offended but take it as them giving me a warm greeting in their own way.

This would be like insisting that the Pope to say “gazundheit” instead of “God bless you” so as not to offend anyone. He is the Pope and he does represent a particular perspective.

The article goes on to quote Tim Connaghan, founder of the International University of Santa Claus (their cross-country team’s horrible but they kick ass in wrestling) who has several regulations for the politically correct Santa.

“DON’T conceal your hands when a child has his/her picture taken with Santa. DO keep your hands visible at all times.” Okay, that seems like a no-brainer.

That goes along with “DON’T scoop up and child and place them on your lap. Ask the parents to place the child on your lap. It is never politically correct to touch a child.” Or legal or wise, for that matter.

“DON’T smoke, carry a pipe or eat strongly flavored food before meeting children and parents.” While not stated, you can probably add “lay off the whiskey and beer” to the list, too.

“DON’T promise a child anything you can’t deliver.” That’s pretty good dating advice, as well.

Perhaps some other religious and holiday symbols can reform themselves to project a more p.c. image.

Cupid can start wearing more clothing and for that matter, stop being allowed to carry a deadly weapon.

What child doesn’t enjoy the Easter egg hunt on Easter morning? That can lead to obesity, dental problems and diabetes. Therefore, the Easter Bunny should start laying healthy snacks such as cauliflower, broccoli and asparagus stalks. Of course, that might require him altering his own diet.

Instead of leaving a dollar, the Tooth Fairy should leave a euro, since it is currently more powerful than the dollar. This kid might want to go to college someday.

So as not to offend anyone, let me wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Ramadan, Happy Kwanzaa and to all a good night. (That should cover everybody).

Posted by dmargarita at 8:26 PM

November 19, 2007

Indian Fall

Some people may think that America has gone to the dogs. It appears that India has indeed, gone to the dogs…and the monkeys.

Several news outlets have reported that a man in India, a Mr. P. Selvakumar, married a female dog to remove a curse he believes he has suffered since stoning two dogs to death and then hanging their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. I think most dog trainers now consider it cruel just to smack a dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and yell “Bad dog! Bad dog!”

After that incident Mr. Selvakumar suffered some paralysis and a loss of hearing, which he believes was the result of a curse. An astrologer told Selvakumar that the only way to remove the curse was to marry a real dog. Selvakumar may have misinterpreted that statement.

Family members chose the dog, Selvi, and then bathed (a flee bath, perhaps?) and clothed her. There are no reports as to what the wedding vows may have been.

“Do you, Selvi, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Woof!”

I don’t know if other Western traditions were included at the reception, which may have been catered by Purina, such as “And the groom feeds the bride, the groom feeds the bride…and then he takes her out for a walk.”

Nor do the reports say just what the couple planned for a honeymoon, but it’s fairly reasonable to assume that on the wedding night there was a lot of “heavy petting.”

It was unclear where they plan to live but I’m sure they they’re already marked their territory.

I don’t know if Indian law calls for couple to get a blood test as I believe it still does here. Certainly, one would want to know if one’s future spouse has a communicable disease such as TB, an STD or worms.

As with any mixed-marriage, I imagine there will be difficulties. Do they plan to have puppies? If so, will they be raised Hindu or K9? Which holidays will be spent with his family and which will be spent in a kennel?

They may not even want children and may practice some form of birth control. He could have a vasectomy. She could go on the pill or be spayed.

Many marriages break up due to infidelity, sometimes known as “The Seven Year Itch.” To Selvi, that would be “The 49 Year Itch.“ People often drift apart over time and before you know it, your husband is humping someone else’s leg. Sometimes love can be a real bitch and in India, so can the bride.

Elsewhere in India, it seems the premise of the movie “Planet of the Apes” is becoming less of a fantasy and more of a reality.

The AFP News outlet reports that monkeys in the northeast of India are out of control, breaking into homes and stealing cell phones and soft drinks from refrigerators. The more weight-conscious ones are opting for diet soda. Well, making non-stop phone calls can lead to quite a thirst. These monkeys are probably in the same network, anyway.

This brings quite a different meaning to the Monkees TV show/pop group whose theme song starts out “Here we come, walking down the street. We get the funniest looks from, everyone one we meet.”

Of course they would. They’re drinking Coke and making cell phone calls.

Sadly, the deputy mayor of Delhi died when he fell from his balcony after being attacked by monkeys. This may add a new wrinkle to the Indian version of the board game “Clue.”

“It was done by Mr. Binkles, in the Conservatory, with a lead pipe.”

A government panel has formed a panel to study the problem. Let’s just hope is isn’t comprised of those DAMN, DIRTY APES!!!

The Delhi police might have to expand their detective squad to include “Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.” (Okay, no more ‘60’s TV/movie references.)

Fortunately, it’s comforting to know that this is a country that possesses The Bomb.

Woof.

Posted by dmargarita at 12:19 PM

November 5, 2007

A Maine Event

I fear that too often I sound like a grumpy old man in this space, but I have to say that when I was a kid, not only were we unable to get birth control in middle-school, we didn’t even have middle-school. Back then we called it “Junior High.”

A recent CNN/AP story notes that in Portland, Maine there as been “an outbreak of pregnancies” among middle-schools which has resulted in them deciding to provide birth control pills or the patch to girls as young as 11-years-old. I remember it being a big deal when we were given the option of getting chocolate milk for lunch.

The phrase “an outbreak of pregnancies” seems a curious way to put it, as though some bug were going around. There’s a parental note I never thought I’d see: “Dear, Teacher. Please excuse Mary from school today. She got knocked-up over the weekend.”

This situation is not completely new as condoms have been available to students there since 2000. And to think…all we were worried about contracting in school was cooties.

I suppose it’s merely a sign of the times we live in, but one can’t help wonder what’s going on in middle-school these days. Are boys approaching girls with some sort of sure-fire pick-up lines?

“Say, can I buy you a pint of milk?” or “Do you come here for recess often?”

Are there middle-schoolers putting ads in the local paper’s personal section?

“SWMM-S enjoys wiffle ball, Play-station, walks on the beach, climbing on the monkeybars, seeking SWFM-S who enjoys same. Non-smokers only.”

Sadly, this has become necessary as Portland’s three middle-schools have reported 17 pregnancies in the last four years. That doesn’t include “miscarriages or terminated pregnancies not reported to the school nurse.” I know the Maine winters can get pretty cold, but perhaps a more old-fashioned way of staying warm can be introduced to the kids.

“Sure, kids. You can watch TV. Stay RIGHT here, RIGHT where I can see you, and watch as much TV as you’d like.”

An alarming statistic is that five of the 134 students who went to the King Middle School health center during the 2006-07 school year reported having sexual intercourse, according to CNN/AP. It’s relief to know there were at least 129 kids who weren’t getting any action.

Sex education and prevention are clearly needed here and even though I’m not a parent, could I suggest bringing back chastity belts, as well?

All of this has happened as yet another attractive, young female teacher has escaped with one of her students (since captured) on a romantic escapade to Mexico. I hear a lot of women saying there aren’t any good men out there but that doesn’t mean they have to start getting them before they actually become men. Of course, this isn’t a common occurrence, but does seem to be on the rise (insert your own joke here). In the old days, students weren’t as anxious to stay after school as much as they might be inclined to do so now.

While this may be a middle-school boy’s fantasy come true, it is a crime. The stereotypical view of a junior high dance used to involve a shy girl standing in the corner hoping that a boy would ask her to dance. Now, it seems that a middle-school boy may be hoping a teacher will take him on a romantic getaway weekend. How does a 12-year-old girl compete with that?

As I mentioned earlier, I’m not a parent and don’t have to deal with the worries that every parent must now face. Frankly, with the concerns that a parent has to deal with now, I’m glad I’m not a parent

On the other hand…from everything I hear, I don’t think I’d mind being a middle-school student.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:41 PM

June 18, 2007

Cubby Hole

Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia once suggested that Cubs fans should “go out and get a (expletive) job” but they apparently still haven’t taken his advice.

A Chicago vacation isn’t complete for me unless I make it to a Cubs game, and it was even better since I managed to attend two contests.

Even playing weekday games, the team draws exceedingly well between students and business types playing hooky, vacationers and the aforementioned people without a job. Yet, a single ticket is pretty easy to get and I opt for a shady seat about 30-40 rows behind home plate. Having spent two and a half hours the previous day on a boat cruise down the Chicago River and out on to Lake Michigan in 93 degree heat, it seems like the prudent choice. Not anticipating the climate, I hadn’t thought to bring a hat, sunblock or even a pair of summer shorts on the cruise (or the trip) and wound up with what we Bostonians call a “wicked” burn.

Entering Wrigley Field, the Cubs home, involves nothing like the security measures of Fenway Park which usually includes a pat-down, retina scan, and cavity search. Like Boston, the Cubs are a big-market team and spent a tidy sum this past winter to rebuild the team. Unlike the Red Sox, the Cubs haven’t felt the need to raise that cash by selling every inch of free space within the ballpark for advertisements. The lone concessions are a corporate logo on the utility doors amongst the ivy covered walls in the outfield and the rotating sign behind home plate which partially obscures the beautiful brick work. Despite their best efforts to lose the game, the Cubs manage to hang on for the victory.

There are no shortage of taverns to hang out after the game to avoid the crush of the train, so I opt for Merkle’s, named for a New York Giants first baseman, best known for a botched play that led to the Cubs winning the pennant and later, the World Series. The year was 1908 and as any Cubs fan can tell you, they have not won it since. So in essence, 1908 is their 1918. Besides getting a tavern named after him, the mental lapse of the play has long been dubbed as “Merkle’s Boner” by baseball scribes. To that, you may supply your own joke. Later, I get to the ESPN Zone which I manage to a lot where the multiple TV’s give me a chance to catch-up with the Red Sox, who have been stumbling as of late. If watching millionaires whack a ball with a stick isn’t your cup of tea, other viewing options include: three soccer games, a WNBA game and a rugby match. If tea isn’t your cup of tea, several types of beer, hard drinks and food are available, but be warned: The ESPN Zone is a tourist trap, i.e., it’s expensive.

On Saturday, there is also a large crowd, probably larger because Cubs fans who are employed are able to attend, and the only ticket available for me is near the left field foul pole, completely in the sun. Still not having bought a pair of shorts, it seems I may roast again as the temperature continues to hover in the low 90’s. Fortunately, as the game starts clouds and a breeze from an approaching storm roll in to give some relief.

Actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus throws out the first pitch and later leads the crowd in a chorus of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” during the seventh inning stretch. Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano gives up just two hits. However, the second hit is a home run in the ninth inning and the Cubs lose 1-0 as a driving rain sets in.

National League games are usually quicker than American League games and indeed, this contest takes about two and half hours. This includes a ten minute delay in which a beanball incident leads to a brawl and the ensuing ejections. That doesn’t include the ejection of the drunken young woman who keeps eluding security and somehow popping up in our section despite a constant pursuit.

This is perhaps one consequence of beer being sold in the stands at Wrigley Field, a practice that the Red Sox abandoned about 25 years ago. Also, if one wants to purchase a beer and a hot dog, they don’t have to go to two separate lines as they do at Fenway Park. They can be purchased at the same concession stand. The last time that happened at Fenway Park was in a scene from the movie “Field of Dreams” with Kevin Costner. Concession stands are plentiful and provide a wide variety of food options.

So I’m guessing that if Wrigley Field is heaven for me, it’s probably also heaven for Homer Simpson.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:45 PM

June 4, 2007

Cool Hand Paris

The day of reckoning has arrived. This week, hotel heiress Paris Hilton goes to jail…and it’s not even for a reality TV show.

The celebutante will be serving 23 days in Century Regional Detention Center in Los Angeles in a “special needs” unit. That refers to a place where celebrities, former police and other high profile inmates are kept away from the general population, and not a place where the mentally challenged live. Well, we are talking about a woman whose main claim to fame was starring in a widely circulated sex videotape. Usually, Ms. Hilton’s special needs include a hairstylist, a make-up person and a valet.

Of all of the people she has working for her, none of them seem to include a chauffer which would’ve spared her from a DUI arrest in September of ‘06. For her transgression, Ms. Hilton had her license suspended and was given probation. In January she was pulled over by police and signed a document acknowledging that she was not supposed to drive. Just over a month later she was pulled over yet again, and charged with violating her probation. If she can’t bother to hire someone to drive her, perhaps she could hire someone to read legal documents for her.

She was originally sentenced to 45 days but that was cut to 23 for “good behavior,” which I’m guessing is for managing to go six months without starring in another porn tape. Actually, court officials credit the good behavior for showing up at her court date as mandated. That seems to verify Woody Allen’s adage that “Eighty percent of life is just showing up.” I’ve yet to get a pat on the back from any boss for just showing up at my job when I’m supposed to.

She also failed to sign up for an alcohol education program that she was expected to, so I guess it really is to her credit when she was able to keep at least one appointment.

Ms. Hilton will be allowed out of her cell for at least an hour per day to shower, watch TV, get some outdoor recreation or talk on the phone. Welcome to her new real, reality show “The REALLY Simple Life.”

While it won’t be the comfortable quarters that she’s used to, Ms. Hilton will not exactly be suffering the harsh prison life that Paul Newman’s character did in the movie “Cool Hand Luke.”
It might be more like “Any prisoner not finishing dinner will spend a night in…the spa” or “Now what we got here is…a failure…to share the TV remote.”

One could even reference older prison movies and picture Ms. Hilton rattling a tin cup across her prison bars and crossing days served off of a calendar, although she wouldn’t even need a full-month calendar for her sentence.

Fans of Ms. Hilton circulated an online petition to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for clemency, noting that she “didn’t hurt or kill anyone.”

Using that logic, Ms. Hilton could set a bomb off in Times Square, but shouldn’t have to serve time if it “didn’t hurt or kill anyone.”

The petition also says that she “has learned her lesson” yet she apparently didn’t by getting pulled over a second and third time. So, what makes them think she’s really learned her lesson now?

Her attorney Howard Weitzman, is quoted as saying that “she is being singled out because of who she is.” I assume he means because of her celebrity, and not as someone who has repeatedly violated her parole.

With her short sentence, I don’t expect that there will be any time to get a protest movement going. I don’t even think Bob Dylan would have enough time to write a song for her like he did for boxer Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, who was convicted for murder in the 1960‘s.

“Here come the story of a socialite/who’s persecuted ‘cause she’s rich and white”

This whole story has been great fodder for the tabloid TV and newspaper industry, and I guess I’m just as guilty of complicity in giving this ink when there are much more important things going on in the world, but since I’m not a hotel heir, I gotta make a living, too.

No doubt, Paris Hilton will make news when she is released in two-and-a-half weeks, and for years afterward. So…

We’ll always have Paris.
(C’mon. You didn’t think I could pass that one up, did you?)

Posted by dmargarita at 2:54 PM

March 20, 2007

Poison Pensky

I can’t recommend any particular Russian cuisine to anyone, but if you do opt for Russian food, be sure to ask them to hold the poison.

Two American women, former Russian citizens, were recently treated in Moscow for thallium poisoning while in Russia to attend a wedding. I guess that makes the “smear cake in my new spouse’s face” seem pretty tame by comparison. I don’t know if the Russians have a traditional song to go with it such as “and the groom poisons the bride, the groom poisons the bride…”

This is just the most recent example of poisoning of a former Russia citizen. It became an international story last year when former KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko, an outspoken Kremlin critic, died after ingesting polonium-210 in London. Authorities believe Litvinenko received the poison in a cup of tea and not in a plate of sushi, which as uncooked fish, would be potentially deadly enough on its own.

The two American women were poisoned with thallium, also known as “the poor man’s polonium-210.”

Authorities aren’t certain how the women ingested the poison which is odorless and colorless, making it indistinguishable from many other poisons (that joke is a tribute to the late Don Adams of "Get Smart" fame). Thalluim poisoning can take weeks to show it's effects, leading Russian detectives to suggest that they were poisoned before they came to Russia. That could mean that the women poisoned themselves as a pre-emptive measure to beat Russian authorities to their poisoning.

According to CBS News, thallium was used by Saddam Hussein to kill several opponents and the CIA allegedly used thallium to try and kill Cuban leader by sprinkling it in his shoes. While American ingenuity is legendary, we clearly are way behind other countries when it comes to poisoning people.

Many critics of the Russian government and it’s president Vladimir Putin, have died under mysterious circumstances. Ivan Safronov, a frequent critic of the war in Chechnya, died recently when he fell from the fifth-story window of a stairwell at his apartment. Speculation is that he was merely dizzy from being poisoned and lost his balance before falling out the window.

Anna Politkovskaya, a renown journalist whose reporting of conditions in Chechnya won her worldwide acclaim, was shot to death outside of her home last December. Rumors are abundant that Mrs. Politkovskaya was shot in an effort to end the suffering that she was experiencing from her latest poisoning.

Mrs. Politkovskaya was a staunch critic of Russia's war in Chechnya which had become quite bloody due to the Russian military's inability to get poison into the Chechen's food supply. She has also documented the plight of Russian soldiers; mainly their fear of eating or drinking anything.

Authorities have intimated in the press that Mr. Safronov's death was the result of suicide. They have also intimated that Mrs. Politkovskaya's shooting was also the the result of suicide.

The Russian government has become increasingly authoritarian, giving citizens an unpleasant choice: keep your mouth shut and suffer a miserable life, or criticize the government and risk your life.

It's a simple case of "pick your poison."

Posted by dmargarita at 4:21 PM

March 2, 2007

Paternity Days

It has been suggested that all of the men claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby be DNA tested to see who the father is. I think they should also be tested for syphilis and AIDS.

I’m sorry that the woman is dead and I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but let’s face it…she was boinking anyone and everyone. If all these men are claiming paternity, then they are also admitting to having had unprotected sex with her. Furthermore, she seems to have possibly also been an IV drug user, which would put her in another high-risk group, and I don’t mean a risk of heart disease.

The latest entrant in the paternity race is Prince Frederick von Anhalt, the husband of 90-year old actress Zsa Zsa Gabor. Born the son of a German policeman, he allegedly bought his royal title after being adopted as an adult by a bankrupt daughter-in-law of the last Kaiser. I couldn’t make that up if I tried.

It would almost sound comical for von Anhalt to make this paternity claim, but then we must remember that Smith became famous for marrying an 89-year old multi-millionaire, J. Howard Marshall II when she was 26-years old. If they consummated that marriage, I’d have to say she was entitled to at least some of his estate. I mean, c’mon, would you do that if not for the money?

"It could be 20 men who are the father," the ever-gallant and respectful von Anhalt told FOX News (yes, I’m quoting FOX News on that). "I liked her a lot ... she was a hot girl. If I had sex with her I don't talk about it (except at press conferences, apparently) ... I'm a married man" continued the highly-scrupled von Anhalt.

Gabor, some 30 years older than von Anhalt, has been married to the “prince” for 20 years. Perhaps he felt the need for relations with someone younger, but the age difference didn’t seem to deter Smith in her marriage to Marshall.

"She was a very big fan of Zsa Zsa and wanted to be like Zsa Zsa," von Anhalt said, adding "She wanted to be a princess." I have to admit, I never thought of Zsa Zsa Gabor as a princess. She wasn’t even the one on Green Acres.

Unwilling to ask Gabor for a divorce, von Anhalt said he considered adopting Smith and even filled out adoption papers. Strangely enough, Gabor refused to sign the papers that would let her husband adopt a former Playboy Playmate. What man hasn’t considered adopting a Playboy Playmate at some point?

Von Anhalt said that he believes Gabor knew about the affair, sometimes answering the phone when Smith called, but that she never let on.

"The next morning my wife would always ask 'Who are you talking to?"' he said. "'Oh Europe.' I always said it was Europe."

Apparently, over the course of ten years von Anhalt did more exploring of Europe than Adolf Hitler (Ba-da-boom!).

The circus atmosphere of the recent hearing to determine where Smith would be buried was largely due to the antics of Judge Larry Seidlin, who is rumored to be coveting a reality TV show. He made the proceedings into a reality TV show and acted more like The Fourth Stooge than a distinguished judge. The former Bronx cab driver told personal stories, sobbed openly and called the lawyers by various nicknames such as “Texas,” “California” and “Mama.” He didn’t always use nicknames, sometimes referring to Dannielynne Smith’s court-appointed lawyer Richard Milstein simply as “Milstein.”

The one name he didn’t have for anyone was “Daddy.”

Posted by dmargarita at 2:01 PM

February 15, 2007

The Dirty 150,000

As a fan of the hit TV show “24” I hope that America has agents like super hero Jack Bauer to continually foil terrorists, but according to some news reports, the U.S. Government may be willing to settle for Jack the Ripper.

Several news outlets have reported that the U.S. military, in an effort to boost sagging recruitment numbers, has simply lowered the aptitude standards for recruits in order to increase their numbers. So far, the military has yet to feature that as a recruitment ad.

“Can’t tie your own shoes, but want to kill people?”

Some 17 percent recruits were accepted despite “medical, moral or criminal problems” according to the Associated Press. While the “criminal problems” are misdemeanor arrests such as drunk driving (hopefully they‘ll be assigned to the infantry, not the tank corps), SFGate reports that Dallas area recruiters have been looking to ex-convicts “with no more than one felony on their record” as Army material.

Movie buffs will recall that this was essentially the plot of “The Dirty Dozen” in which several U.S. soldiers on death row during WW II, are given a reprieve to volunteer for a suicide mission.

There have even been stories of convicted felons, such as admitted arsonist Bob Gidding, serving in the armed forces. Recruiting felons may not be such a bad thing, if you think about it. The most serious felony would definitely be murder. Who better to send into combat that somebody with previous experience? An airline would never hire a pilot who’s never flown a plane, so sending non-murderers makes little sense. You’re asking someone to kill another human being, which goes against every moral instinct for the average person, so why not get someone to whom it wouldn’t bother.

Then there’s armed robbery. Okay, so maybe you don’t want to kill the enemy. If you’re inclined to hold them at gunpoint and take their weapons, cash and jewelry, you can keep them from doing you harm. Better yet, there’s good ol’ fashioned burglary. If we could find the terrorists’ hideouts, we could get burglars to sneak in, steal their stuff and leave. That way no one gets hurt.

Arsonist could be valuable in combat. Why waste ammunition when you can smoke the enemy out of their hiding place?

Although rape happens in wartime, it is certainly not acceptable in “civilized” warfare unless you’re Attila the Hun.

Bribery is listed as a felony, but I don’t think we can get too many white collar criminals to join the military…but if we could, I’m all for giving the enemy theater and ballgame tickets or golfing junkets if it will get them to lay down their arms.

Another felony is operating a lottery. Okay, I see no reason how that could help or even why that should be a felony, for that matter.

We could send an army of felony bigamists over there, and they would fit right in. Osama bin Laden is one of 52 kids and I assume, no, I pray that his father had more than one wife.

The Boston Globe reported that the Pentagon is considering recruiting foreigners to serve in the armed forces. That’s understandable. The saying is that the illegals are “doing the jobs that Americans don’t want to do.” We can’t get Americans to pick lettuce, so getting them to volunteer to fight in Iraq is even more of a challenge. This could be bizarre for foreigners, if some are deployed to the Mexican border to keep Mexicans from crossing the border illegally, as many have suggested. This could lead to someone being charged with the job of keeping his own family out of the country.

If these don’t work out, there’s always the tried-and-true method of luring people into the military---the draft.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:04 AM

December 31, 2006

2006: The Year in Review

“Another year over and a new one just begun” as John Lennon once noted. With that in mind it’s time for my annual Year in Review, which I write every year, hence the term “annual” (like that joke).

With a little help from the folks at infoplease.com, here’s a look back at the highlights and lowlights of 2006, with my own take added.

Bush Addresses the Nation (Jan. 31): In his fifth State of the Union speech, the president denounces Iran, calling it a country “held hostage by a small clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people.” The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad responds with “I know you are, but what am I?”

Spacecraft Heads to Pluto (Jan. 19): A space craft, New Horizons, will travel three billion miles over nine years to study Pluto's atmosphere and surface. That’s a long way and a long time for a place that will later be demoted from the category of planet.

Protests Over Cartoons Turn Violent (Feb. 4): Throughout the Muslim world, angry demonstrators smash windows, set fires, and burn flags, protesting cartoons that depict Muhammad in a negative light. In keeping with the cartoon theme, protesters use Acme anvils, rocket powered roller skates and super-powered springs. Victims report large lumps on their head, bandages appearing on their eyes when knocked out and seeing stars circling their heads when regaining consciousness.

Vice President Shoots Friend During Hunting Expedition (Feb. 11): Dick Cheney accidentally shoots Texas lawyer Harry Whittington while hunting for quail. Whittington is hit in the face, neck, and torso. Upon hearing that Cheney was hunting for quail, former Vice President Dan Quayle goes into hiding.

Hussein Testifies for the First Time (March 15): In his 40-minute speech, former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein urges Iraqis to stop fighting each other and instead focus their attacks on the United States. Saddam also claims that evidence against him was planted by former L.A. Detective Mark Fuhrman.

European Investigation Reports Secret CIA Flights (April 26): Inquiry ordered by the European Parliament finds that since 2001, the CIA has conducted about 1,000 undeclared flights over Europe, transporting terrorism suspects to countries that allow torture. Despite being tortured, suspects become eligible for frequent flyer miles.

Iranian President Lists Grievances in a Letter to Bush (May 9): In his 18-page letter, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that the war in Iraq and the abuse of prisoners by U.S. soldiers contradict Bush's Christian values. Ahmadinejad closes by telling Bush to forward the letter to ten more people to achieve good luck.

Pentagon Releases Study on Interrogations (June 16): Report finds that techniques used by some Special Operations troops on Iraqi detainees in early 2004 were unauthorized and abusive, but not deliberately so. This is believed to be the origin such phrases as “Give him the unintentional rack” and “Accidentally off with his head!”

Reports Indicate That CIA Closed Bin Laden Unit (July 3): National Public Radio reports that in late 2005 the CIA shut down “Alec Station,” which was charged with tracking down al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. Congressional Republicans move to cut federal funding to shut down National Public Radio.

Former Enron Chief Dies (July 5): Kenneth Lay, founder and former chairman and chief executive of the energy-trading company, dies of coronary artery disease at age 64. That Lay ran out of gas surprises many, who thought that he would just keep on going and going and going…

Judge Rules Against Wiretapping (Aug. 17): Federal judge Anna Diggs Taylor finds that the National Security Agency's program of secretly wiretapping Americans' communications overseas without a warrant violates the Constitution. However, the court allows the NSA to listen through a drinking glass placed against the wall.

FDA Approves Morning-After Pill (Aug. 24): The Food and Drug Administration allows the over-the-counter sale of contraceptive pill to women over the age of 18. The first person to receive it is Rebecca Wilshausen of 563 Riverdale Rd., Muncie, Indiana, who can be reached at (529)555-1376.

Pluto Is Demoted (Aug. 24): The International Astronomical Union votes to redefine the solar system, and Pluto loses its status as a planet. This decision is considered by many to be Goofy. (Okay, a stupid joke but I couldn’t resist)

Bush Administration Paid Journalists for Reports Critical of Castro (Sept. 8): White House's Office of Cuba Broadcasting paid ten Cuban-American reporters to deliver anti-Castro commentary on Radio and TV Martí. The ten reporters are later hired by Fox News.

Pope's Remarks Outrage Muslims Worldwide (Sept. 12): At a speech at Germany's Regensburg University, Pope Benedict XVI quotes a 14th-century text that describes Islam as “evil and inhuman.” In an effort to disprove this stereotype, Muslims vandalize Catholic churches in the West Bank and Iraq.

Congressman Resigns Amid Email Scandal (Sept. 29): Florida Republican Mark Foley steps down from the House of Representatives after reports emerged that he had sent sexually explicit messages to teenage male Congressional pages. Recently discovered documents indicate that while in Congress, Abraham Lincoln sent sexually explicit messages to teenage male Congressional pages by telegraph.

Google Agrees to Buy YouTube (Oct. 9): The online search giant will pay $1.65 billion in stock for YouTube, combining two of the silliest named media companies in the world.

U.S. Charges an American with Treason (Oct. 11): For the first time in more than 50 years, the Justice Department charges Adam Yahiye Gadahn of treason, alleging he gave “aid and comfort” to al-Qaeda. Fifty years ago, Gadahn gave aid and comfort to Detroit Tiger’s slugger Al Kaline.

Democrats Take Over Congress in Midterm Elections (Nov. 7): Democrats pick up 27 seats in the House of Representatives, giving them a 230 seats to Republicans' 205. In the Senate, Democrats pick up six seats, enough for a 51–49 majority. Democrats also pick up tables and lamps.

Former Russian Spy Dies of Poisoning (Nov. 23): Alexander Litvinenko dies a few days after being poisoned by what turns out to be the element polonium 210. Before his death, Litvinenko claims that Russian President Vladimir Putin is behind his poisoning. Putin vigorously denies it, noting that all Russian poisoning deaths are cause by einsteinium.

NASA Announces Plan for Base on Moon (Dec. 4): Construction of the base is scheduled to begin after 2020, when astronauts will return to the Moon. Television network NBC argues that construction should begin after “Dateline.”

Circumcision Lowers Risk of Getting AIDS (Dec. 13): National Institutes of Health announces that the results of a study in Kenya and Uganda showed that male circumcision can reduce the risk of contracting AIDS through heterosexual sex by about half. Results also show that male castration reduces the risk of contracting AIDS through heterosexual sex by 100 percent.

Singer James Brown, “The Godfather of Soul” dies (Dec. 25): The singer is rushed to the hospital after announcing “I don’t feel too good.”

Former President Gerald Ford Dies (Dec, 27) : The 38th president’s body is brought to Washington, D.C. on Dec. 30 where it lies in state at the Capitol Building while receiving a 21-gun salute. Later that night, 21 people are mysteriously found dead of gunshot wounds in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney is held for questioning.

There you have it. The book has closed on 2006. Let’s hope that 2007 is a healthy and happy one for all.

Posted by dmargarita at 11:29 AM

December 19, 2006

A Claus for Concern

Chances are that at some point this week you’ll come across the Rev. Clement Moore’s classic poem “The the Night Before Christmas” somewhere on TV or in print. We all have the image of Santa Claus shushing the reader, but what few people realize is that the poem only refers to St. Nicholas and never once mentions him as Santa Clause. So who was St. Nick? What were his hopes, his dreams? Who were his loves? I have no idea.

I did manage to find out a bit about the evolution (or intelligent design) of Santa Claus, from the real St. Nicholas to the calorically challenged guy in red we know today.

According to “The Christmas Archives.com” St. Nicholas was born around 270-280 AD. Ordained a bishop as a young man, he “loved children and often went out at night disguised in a hooded cloak” which today probably would lead to him being caught by a hidden camera on NBC’s Dateline.

343 AD---St. Nicholas dies on December 6th. His Christmas shopping remains unfinished.

1150 AD---Guace, a Norman French scribe to the royal household, wrote the life of Nicholas as Metric Poems used for sermons. An example:

There once was a man named St. Nicholas
Who was always around trying to tickle us
Bad motives methinks
Always buying us drinks
Like a herring he kept trying to pickle us

1200 AD---Hilarious (I’m not making that up) wrote the first play about Nicholas. Given the author’s name, it was likely a comedy.

1492 (I think we can stop with the “AD”)---Christopher Columbus arrives in Haiti and names the port St. Nicholas. He also names the natives “Indians.” He doesn’t think to name the continent “Columbia” thus losing out on royalties for years.

1626---A fleet of ships leaves Holland for the New World led by The Goodwife, which features a figurehead of St. Nicholas, the patron saint of sailors. He was also the patron saint of “children, bankers, pawn-brokers, scholars, orphans, laborers, travelers, merchants, judges, paupers, marriageable maidens, students, children, sailors, victims of judicial mistakes, captives, perfumers, even thieves and murderers! He is known as the friend and protector of all in trouble or need.” Not to be confused with St. Bernard, the patron saint of big dogs that carry barrels of rum under their collar.

1651---The State of Massachusetts, run by Puritans, bans all observation of Christmas. They also ban colored clothing, shoestring hats and fun. Oddly enough, gay marriage is permitted.

1809---American writer Washington Irving describes St. Nicholas in his “History of New York” and a poem “The Children’s Friend” which includes the first references to sleigh and reindeer. This also is the first reference to Lyme Disease.

1821---Rev. Clement Moore writes his famous poem, originally titled “A Visit From St. Nick” it becomes better known as “The Night Before Christmas.” Moore initially declines to put his name to it, feeling it a bit undignified for a man of the cloth. Moore is also known for wearing very dignified cloth. He writes the poem for his children but a friend of his has it published. Moore’s previously best-known work was titled “A Compendious Lexicon of the Hebrew Language” which later became a hit for Charles Shultz who penned “It’s a Compendious Lexicon of the Hebrew Language, Charlie Brown.”

1864-1886---Famed cartoonist Thomas Nast draws Santa Claus in a series of cartoons, giving him the beginnings of the appearance as we now view him. Santa Claus that is, not Thomas Nast.

1931---Coca Cola began using with artist Haddon Sundbloom painting Santa in his own image. Sundbloom also used his own likeness in a dietary “before” ad.

As we approach the holidays, I wish all of you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Happy or Merry Kwanzaa (whichever is appropriate), and to all a good night.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:27 PM

October 23, 2006

Do Not Remove This Tag

It seems that there may be a new twist on the old phrase from parents “You kids go out and play.” A school in Attleboro, Ma. tells kids that before recess, but evidently adding “Just don’t touch each other.”

Apparently, the Willet Elementary School has banned tag, touch football and other contact sports during recess. On the bright side, this school will kick other school’s butts when they compete in staring contests.

In several newspaper accounts, Principal Gaylene Heppe is quoted as citing safety risks and liability in cases of injury as the reason for the Willet policy. She may also have personal reasons, no doubt having been chased around as a child for being named “Gaylene Heppe.”

The story has generated national media attention, much to the consternation to School Committee member Jackie Romaniecki who said “I just don’t want to see a kid get seriously hurt” which reverses Attleboro School’s previous policy of injuring and maiming as many kids as possible.

Ms. Romaniecki’s quotes come from a article in The Boston Globe by Maria Sacchetti (who gets paid to do the legwork which allows me to comment on this situation) that points out several Massachusetts schools which have adopted similar “safe” play policies.

Some rules seem logical such as: no kickboxing or karate, no hanging by your knees from the monkey bars (unless you’re a monkey) and no throwing rocks. In any era, that could put “somebody’s eye out.”

According to Ms. Sacchetti’s piece, the Hanlon Elementary School in Westwood lists 29 playground rules and that only fourth-and-fifth graders can sit on top of the Moon Climber. One can only assume that six-and-seventh graders were employed as bouncers to check ID’s.

Things certainly have changed since my childhood when children could play freely at recess and the only cause for concern were cooties, not lawsuits. I hate to sound like a grouchy old man, but in our day, we made fun of the Chinese school system for their harsh treatment of students who were not allowed to laugh or have fun. It was even rumored that if they showed their teeth or tongue, they would pay a penalty. Now our schools seem to be acting more like them.

One of the games that I remember playing at recess was called “Kill The Guy With The Ball” in which the object was to…well, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. I’m guessing that it’s one of the 29 things banned in Westwood. It’s not like you can equate tag with the vicious, school-sponsored game of dodgeball. Being forced to do that in gym class is one thing, but participating voluntarily in a game during recess where the object is just to touch another person, is a completely different matter. Even the name of the game “tag” suggests that it is not a brutal sport. If it were called “push” or “punch” or “kick” I’d be more inclined to support the policy.

Naturally, any parent would want to keep their child safe from any inappropriate touching, but one has to wonder if we’re raising our kids to avoid human contact that will see them grow up frigid, repressed and cost them thousands of dollars in psychoanalysis fees down the road for being unable to be involved in “appropriate” touching as adults. I meant that in the healthiest way possible.

This may have one other consequence. The makers of Tag Body Spray might just have to change the name of their product to “Don‘t Come Near Me.”

Perhaps hip-hop artist MC Hammer was simply well ahead of his time when he sang “U Can’t Touch This.”

Posted by dmargarita at 3:54 PM

August 1, 2006

Big Dig Dog

Recently, as anyone in the Boston area has been made aware, the Big Dig project has gone from comically inept to tragically inept. A motorist passing through one part of the tunnel was killed by a falling piece of concrete.

The Big Dig has been a national laughing stock for years with constant stories of corruption, cronyism, corner-cutting as well as cost overruns. It is somewhat ironic that this should happen in NEW England when I recently saw buildings that have stood for centuries a few months back when I traveled to OLD England.

In fact, much of the world contains structures that have stood for centuries before the invention of modern building materials such as cranes, flat-bed trucks or what was recently mentioned as a key Big Dig ingredient----duct tape.

Another product that was used in the construction and is getting quite a bit of attention is a type of industrial epoxy. No doubt it is very strong, but I would think that any form of adhesive, no matter strong, has the potential to eventually come unglued. Just because some years ago in a TV commercial a guy in a hard-hat stuck to a steel beam for a few seconds doesn’t mean that epoxy is enough to keep Boston Harbor at bay.

Historically, people don’t seem to learn from history and so because something is done a certain way now, we seem to assume that the modern method must be better than the way it used to be done. Without modern materials ancient engineers had to rely on careful mathematics, common sense and sound engineering principles. There seems to have been a lack of some combination of these with The Big Dig.

For all we know however, the great manmade works in history have probably had their share of screw-ups, corruption and ineptitude. Records would be scarce, of course, but if there were expose-type papers at the time, here are some of the things that might have come out.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa: It was originally to be called “The Tower of Pisa” but there’s a reason that it leans. Substandard building materials were used on one side which could not support the weight of the structure. The main faulty material---duct tape. Several union contractors were later indicted.

British Parliament: This home of the UK’s government has stood for centuries, including a portion that has existed for nearly a millennia. The only things that have been able to destroy parts of the building have been occasional fires and Hermann Goering’s Luftwaffe. Yet, few people know that Big Ben, the most famous feature of the building with it’s clock and tower, was originally supposed to be a cuckoo clock. Unfortunately, the Dodo bird which was to be stuffed and used for the clock, became extinct.

The Great Pyramid of Giza: Most people are familiar with the Great Pyramids of Egypt, particularly the one known as one of the Seven Wonders of the World, but what few people realize is that originally due to an engineer’s upside down view of some blue prints, the Great Pyramid of Giza was first built upside down. While standing on its point was in itself quite an engineering feat, the pyramid was eventually turned over to stand as we now know it.

The Venus de Milo: Granted, she’s not a building per se, but as one of the most famous pieces of art, one had to wonder why the artist try to save money by leaving off her arms.

As we’ve seen, different cultures throughout the ages have been able to raise structures that have lasted for centuries. Why can’t Americans dig a hole in the ground that doesn’t fail after a few years?

Posted by dmargarita at 10:35 PM

January 19, 2006

Norman Rockwell, Where are You?(A Re-discovered Column)

The shooting has started. Well, if you live in certain neighborhoods, the shooting is continuing, but the government sanctioned shooting has started, anyway. We’re engaged in an overseas war.

Not to be confused with the war on drugs and the war on poverty (which, by the way, drugs and poverty seem to be winning), this is an entirely new and different war. We’re at war with a concept-----terrorism. We’ve been at war with concepts before. We fought fascism and communism, but those concepts had people from defined places that wore official military uniforms, which fought for those concepts. The world seemed so much simpler then when everything was defined in black and white terms.

Thinking back to such a time, I wonder what someone who symbolizes America’s age of innocence, artist Norman Rockwell, would be doing if he were still painting covers for the Saturday Evening Post today. Come to think of it, that would be quite a feat considering that he passed away in 1978. Rockwell was beloved for doing the folksy humorous covers that depicted such images as the boys grabbing their clothes while being chased away from the swimming hole, and the couple ending their prom date by stopping off for a malted at the local soda fountain.

It’s hard to translate Rockwell into today’s society and imagine him painting youngsters dealing crack in an alley or the prom date ending at a motel with a cooler full of beer and a box of condoms.

Indeed the world must have seemed a pretty scary place between the desperation of the Depression and the ominous threat of Adolph Hitler and the Nazi’s. Looking back now, those almost seem like inconveniences compared to the threat of bioterrorism, or what happened on September 11, although people from “The Greatest Generation” may think that I am trivializing those times, which is certainly not my intent. While it may have seemed like the end of the world to those folks, we now live in an age when we could actually experience the end of the world.

Since Mr. Rockwell isn’t here I have decided to step in and make some suggestions as to what he would have depicted if he were. Here are some titles that I could conceive for some current day Norman Rockwell Post covers:

“Norman Rockwell’s Armageddon”

“Smallpox”

“The Looting”

“Timmy and Bobby Fight for the Last Rations”

“The Gas Mask Sale”

In fairness, by the 1950’s Rockwell began tackling more serious subjects such as integration and world peace as well as doing some fabulous portraits, and frankly there was nary a chuckle in the lot of them.

In all likelihood, the old swimmin’ hole is probably polluted and the soda fountain was paved over to make way for a shopping mall.

Rockwell and his era are gone, but for those who wish to step back to simpler times, his works live on at the Norman Rockwell Museum, located in beautiful Stockbridge, Massachusetts.

(No, I’m not getting paid to write that.)

Posted by dmargarita at 4:03 PM

January 2, 2006

2005: The Year in Review

Hello, all. A new year has commenced which usually means an old one has passed. As such, it is once again time for my annual “Year in Review” which I do every year, hence the word “annual.” The following include some of the highlights and lowlights of 2005.

Jan. 12---U.S. ends it’s search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, it’s initial excuse for going to war, declaring there are no such weapons there. President Bush hints at a possible invasion of Tibet claiming there is incontrovertible evidence that “Bigfoot” exists.

Jan. 16---A 67-year-old woman in Romania becomes the oldest known woman ever to give birth. She claims her boyfriend pressured her into sex.

Jan. 20---President George W. Bush is sworn in as president for a second term. This will prove to be the year’s highlight for Bush as things go straight downhill as the year progresses.

Feb. 14----National Missile Defense System fails when an intercepting rocket doesn’t fire due to software malfunction. Scientists conclude that computer system failed due to clogging by spammers’ “Viagra” ads.

Feb. 16---National Hockey League officially cancels its season due to a lockout. America is stunned, asking “There’s a National Hockey League?”

Mar. 16---New England Journal of Medicine reports that if childhood obesity continues, the current generation of children will live 2-5 fewer years. President Bush claims that this is part of his Social Security reform program to reduce the number of future benefits holders.

Apr. 2---Pope John Paul II dies. He becomes the second Pope John Paul to die.

Apr. 19---Conclave of Cardinals select Joseph Ratzinger as the next Pope. It is an unusual choice given that Ratzinger is best known for playing “Cliff” on the TV show “Cheers.”

Apr. 22---Bush Nominates a new Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff as Gen. Richard Myers is to be replaced by Gen. Peter Pace. Other candidates include: Clark Kent, Bruce Banner and Peter Parker.

May 16---Women in Kuwait win the right to vote. In keeping the the 1920's theme, the Boston Red Sox once again sell Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees.

May 31---Former FBI number 2 man Mark Felt, reveals that he was “Deep Throat,” the secret source for journalists who uncovered the 1970’s Watergate scandal. Convicted Watergate burglar G. Gordon Liddy reveals that while in prison, he too was known as “Deep Throat.”

Jun. 13---A California jury acquits singer Michael Jackson of 10 charges, including molesting a child, conspiracy, and providing alcohol to minors. The District Attorney’s office decides to re-examine just what crimes celebrities can be convicted of in Los Angeles.

Jun. 30---Spain legalizes gay marriage. Matador uniforms become Spain’s version of ugly bridesmaids dresses.

Jul. 6---London selected as the site for the 2012 Olympics. Sir Roger Bannister, the first man to break the four-minute mile barrier, is chosen to throw out the first scone.

Aug. 2---Musicians urge the world to unite to end poverty in Africa with “Live 8” concert. Unfortunately, they forget to unite in telling anyone about it and nobody pays attention.

Aug. 3---South Korean scientists clone a dog. Rather than a scientific endeavor though, the cloned dog provides lunch for six.

Sep. 1---New Orleans descends into chaos in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Desperate coeds trapped on rooftops are forced to flash themselves to get rescue lifts from helicopters.

Sep. 19---NASA releases plan for moon visit by 2018. The purpose will be to determine if there really is a dark side.

Oct. 3---President selects longtime friend Harriet Miers to be the next Supreme Court Justice, even though she has never been a judge. Bush explains his actions, saying “Hey, before I took this job, I’d never been president.”

Oct. 10---U.S. House of Representatives votes, 283–144, in favor of legislation that shields gun makers and dealers from liability lawsuits. Gun makers begin developing new shields against people who can no longer file lawsuits.

Oct. 26---New Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declares that Israel should be “wiped off the map.” This proves to be a disturbing event for Israel, not to mention map makers.

Oct. 28---Vice President Cheney’s Chief of Staff, Lewis “Scooter” Libby is indicted for obstruction of justice, perjury, making false statements and having the most immature nickname for a high-ranking federal official.

Nov. 15---Washington reporter Bob Woodward admits to withholding a leak. He also admits that he withheld information that he learned Valerie Plame was a CIA operative before other reporters but didn’t tell anyone.

Nov. 15---Major League Baseball and Players Association agree to steroid policy that suspends players for ten games for a first offense, 100 games for a second offense and a lifetime ban for a third offense for testing positive. A fourth positive test will earn a player a large book contract.

Dec. 13---The oldest known Mayan mural is discovered. Dating to about 100 B.C., the mural depicts the Mayan myth of creation. A Pennsylvanian school district immediately demands that the theory be taught in schools as an alternative theory to evolution.

Dec. 15---President Bush reluctantly agrees to back a bill by Senator John McCain that bans cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment of prisoners held in American custody. Bush is forced to console himself with the idea that he can always go back to Texas and execute retarded prisoners.

Dec. 15---The New York Times reports that in 2002 President Bush signed an order that allowed the National Security Agency to spy without warrants on U.S. citizens who are suspected of connections to terrorists. It’s the right move by our president, a great guy whom I like, respect and never speak ill of, I swear.

Dec. 20---Federal Judge John Jones rules that is unconstitutional for a Pa. school district to teach “intelligent design” in biology classes as an alternative to evolution, citing it as “a religious view” and “not a scientific theory.” Ancient Mayans protest.

There you have it, folks. Here’s hoping for a peaceful, joyous and prosperous 2006.

Posted by dmargarita at 3:35 PM

May 22, 2005

A Long Way from Eden

I watched WAY too much TV as a kid. As one-time girlfriend informed me, I still watch WAY too much TV. This has much to do with why she’s a “one-time” girlfriend, but that’s a matter for another day.

The ironic part is that thanks to television networks like TV Land, I’m spending WAY too much time watching the same shows I watched WAY too much as a kid.

While I still enjoy the timelessness of these great shows, there’s certainly a guilt factor as I sit there thinking “Yeah, I know this is the one where Beaver gets his head caught in an iron fence” or “Oh, this is ‘Chuckles the Clown dies’ episode” and that maybe I should be doing something more productive with my time.

Every now and then TV Land will feature various “top ten” lists, including a recent one about the “10 Sexiest Women on TV” which includes the likes of Suzanne Somers, Farrah Fawcett and a well-deserved nod to the well-preserved Barbara Eden of “I Dream of Jeannie” fame.

As a kid I enjoyed the comic timing of Larry Hagman, Bill Daly and Eden as well as the escapades that the trio would constantly be immersed in on the show. While I was too young to recognize the male fantasy that this show represented, it didn’t escape my notice that “Jeannie” was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman who was supposed to be of Middle-Eastern origin. This never made any more sense to me than the fact that David Carradine played the part of Kwai Chang Caine in the show “Kung Fu” and looked about as Chinese as Larry Hagman.

I find that watching reruns of “I Dream of Jeannie” is now, on occasion, a horrifying experience. Relatives of Jeannie who are angered will threaten people with torture, beheading and will send them away with a blink of an eye. In other words, Jeannie’s relatives sound like operatives for Al Qaeda… except for the eye-blinking part.

Forty years ago the west was unfamiliar with militant Islam and the biggest cause for concern for TV network censors was the possibility that Eden’s navel might be seen by the American viewing public.

Fifteen years ago, with the advent of political correctness, the show would’ve been deemed an out-of-date Arabic stereotype with no relation to reality.

Yet, in March of 2002 the BBC reported that Saudi religious police refused to let 15 girls out of a burning school because they were not dressed in the appropriate Islamic attire, including head scarves and abayas (black robes) which are required by Saudi Arabia’s strict interpretation of Islam. The girls died as a result and according to the BBC, one witness saw three policeman "beating young girls to prevent them from leaving the school because they were not wearing the abaya."

I hate to think what the religious police would’ve done to Jeannie if they found out that she was sporting a bare midriff while living with a man she was not married to.

Lest anyone think that this is an anti-Muslim diatribe, westerners shouldn’t get too smug. I seem to recall hearing about a little incident about a thousand years ago in which some Christians went on a little rampage, a crusade to the east if you will, in what is referred to not-so-ironically as “The Crusades.”

No doubt, the Christians had their reasoning for their brutal activities just as the Muslim Fundamentalists do now. Fortunately, the Crusaders didn’t have access to jumbo jets that could be used as missiles or even the cunning to invent fictional weapons of mass destruction as an excuse to invade other lands.

So, for a couple of hundred years Christians tried to force their religion down everybody else’s throat. Maybe now it’s Islam’s turn.

It’s hardly a coincidence that with the birth of Christianity, the Roman Empire fell and scientific achievement slowed considerably. Some of the lowlights as a result of this period were: The Crusades, The Inquisition and The Dark Ages, in which advances in technology, education and reason achieved in the Greek and Roman civilizations went the way of the Greek and Roman civilizations.

Illiteracy and ignorance reigned while obedience to religious doctrine was required, but in time such learned people as Copernicus and Galileo began questioning the world around them through observation and scientific research. Eventually, this helped usher in The Enlightenment and The Renaissance and the notion that because somebody wrote something down in a book a long time ago, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true.

Of course, Galileo wound up paying a price for his “heresy” by spending the last several years of his life under house arrest by order of Pope Urban VIII, making Galileo the Martha Stewart of the 17th century. There was a happy ending of sorts, however, when Pope John Paul II apologized for the church’s behavior…some 350 years after Galileo’s death. This would be in direct contrast to Pope Urban VIII’s philosophy that “Inquisition means never having to say you’re sorry.”

In 1999 the Kansas Board of Education adopted new science standards (since overturned) that removed mandatory teaching of evolution, leaving local school boards to determine whether or not to teach the theory that is usually associated with Charles Darwin. Kansas soon became the laughingstock of the nation, the scientific community and the punch-line for late-night comics.

Despite the rule being overturned, Fundamentalist Christians have gained increasing ground by attempting to pose the idea of Creationism in a scientific light by calling it “Creation Science.” They argue that it should be taught along side evolution, noting that evolution is merely a theory and impossible to prove. A valid point, perhaps, but using that reasoning it should also be noted that gravity is also a theory and cannot be proven, but until something falls “up” it should be accepted as the best theory available based on the evidence presented.

As the Christian Right increases their hold on high political office in the U.S. and Muslim Fundamentalists continue to attempt to impose their views on various countries by force, the two sides have grown increasingly belligerent and may one day be headed again toward religious warfare.

Some Christian Fundamentalist groups are anxiously awaiting The Rapture, the day when believers will be called up to Heaven, which true believers seem to think is imminent and see the clash of Arabs and Jews in the Middle-East as being the opening salvo. Elsewhere, some Muslim Fundamentalists are trying to drag their communities back several centuries to the morals, mores, laws (not to mention the attire) of an unenlightened age.

If the former happens, it may be because Christian zealots helped use the nuclear technology that evolved as a result of the advances in science made after throwing off the shackles of The Dark Ages, to speed up the Rapture process. If the latter happens, much of the Muslim world will suffer through the ignorance and horror of another Dark Age.

Either way, the combination of middle-age religious fervor and 21st century technology create a dangerous possibility of catastrophic warfare that will make The Crusades look like a spitball fight.

The old saying that “those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it” never seemed more applicable than at the present time. The only difference now being that with the tools of modern warfare available, society as we know it could be gone in the blink of an eye.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:46 PM

December 27, 2004

2004: The Year in Review

The 2004 is about to conclude, so once again it's time for my annual "Year in Review" which I do every year, hence the term "annual" (like that joke).

Jan. --- Democratic frontrunner Howard Dean moves to Democratic third-runner after finishing there in the Iowa caucus. Later that evening, in an attempt to rally supporters, Dean makes like a fifth grade geography student and lists upcoming states and punctuates it with a blood-curdling scream that would frighten most fifth-graders. One by one, supporters avert their eyes and exit the room.

Feb. --- The New England Patriots win their second Super Bowl but the event is overshadowed by Janet Jackson?s nipple during the halftime show. Not that she has that large a nipple, but when co-entertainer Justin Timberlake removes a piece of her clothing, Jackson's breast is exposed as breasts are prone to do when uncovered. Timberlake later apologizes, calling it a "wardrobe malfunction." On prom night, I explained it to my date's father as a "Jack Daniels malfunction."

A Massachusetts courts clears the way for gay couples to marry, therefore clearing the way for gay couples to divorce. Thus, the ten percent of Americans that are gay have a chance to become one of the fifty percent of couples that divorce.

More than 250 pilgrims are crushed to death in a stampede during a devil-stoning ceremony in Saudi Arabia. The devil escapes with minor injuries.

Mar. --- Domestic Diva Martha Stewart is convicted on four counts of obstructing justice (you're supposed to help them convict you?) and lying to investigators. In an attempt make sure she doesn't escape justice, prosecutors also charge her with retransmitting a ballgame without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

Apr. --- Seymour Hersh writes an article in The New Yorker Magazine reporting that U.S. soldiers abused Iraqi prisoners at the Abu Ghraib Prison. Photos are released showing naked Iraqi prisoners positioned in humiliating sexual positions. Surprisingly, none of them involve Paris Hilton.

May --- The Food and Drug Administration disregards the opinion of its expert advisory panel and bans over-the-counter sale of emergency contraception drug, the so-called "morning after" pill. The FDA advises pharmaceutical companies to try to come up with a "this isn't a good idea, night before" pill.

Jun. --- Former President Ronald Reagan dies at age 93. He is the longest lived president, while George Washington remains the longest dead one.

Jul. --- Senator John Kerry receives the Democratic nomination in his hometown Boston. Upon accepting the nomination, Kerry declares it "wicked pissah"

Aug. --- The 2004 Olympic Games open in Athens Greece. Nobody cares.

Sept. --- President Bush accepts the Republican nomination at their convention in New York. Bush is confused, wondering if he'd mistakenly gone to "Old York." Bush and Kerry meet as the two presidential candidates discuss foreign affairs, focusing on the war in Iraq, in first of three debates. Strict rules agreed to beforehand decree that neither candidate can use "I know you are, but what am I?" as a rebuttal position.

Oct. --- Martha Stewart begins her five-month prison sentence. Stewart thanks her fans for support and reminds them that all cakes sent to her in prison must contain low-fat files.

The Boston Red Sox win the World Series for the first time in 86 years. The temperature in hell drops to an all-time low.

Nov. --- President Bush is re-elected...uh...elected, over challenger John Kerry. Red states announce that they want to be blue states next time and not the color of "commies."

The $165 million Clinton Presidential Library opens in Little Rock, Arkansas. The library becomes the first presidential library to have a "kissing booth."

A Florida woman sells a 10-year old grilled cheese sandwich on eBay for $28,000 that many believe contains the image of the Virgin Mary. This is not the first biblical association with toasted food as one of the Dead Sea Scrolls quotes Jesus at the Last Supper as saying "This is my body. You want that toasted?"

The image has also appeared in the window of the Milton Hospital where leaking chemicals inside a sealed window formed a shape that many worshipers believe to be that of the Virgin Mary. Followers flock to see the window. Seizing on the marketing opportunity, Harvey Windows announces their new "John the Baptist" line of waterproof windows.

Dec. --- The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announces that it will donate $42.6 million to fight malaria. The money is initially to be sent online, but Gates? computer goes down thanks to an eighth grade computer geek who infects Gates? computer with a virus.

And so we wrap up the year 2004. May you all have a peaceful and prosperous 2005.

Posted by dmargarita at 1:32 PM

November 8, 2004

The Little Egg Harbor Horror

The following is based on the actual strafing of an elementary school in N.J. last week by an F-16 Air National Guard fighter. None of the names have been changed except for the ones that I made up.

WASHINGTON (AP) --- President Bush's war on terror continued today when an Air National Guard F-16 strafed a New Jersey school believed to be a breeding ground for future terrorists.

In what White House officials are labeling as a "pre-emptive strike," an F-16 from the 113th Wing of the District of Columbia Air National Guard, based at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland, attacked the Little Egg Harbor Township Intermediate School last Wednesday evening.

Trouble has been brewing at the school for some time since the rebels banded together and refused to go to sleep during "naptime."

Though not considered a serious act in itself, White House officials fear that the insubordination may lead to anti-American behavior and are determined to stop the rebels from mounting an aggressive campaign.

The FBI has been monitoring the actions of rebel leader Timmy Wilson for some time and the White House feels that under the Bush Doctrine of preemptory strikes, the administration is justified in stopping actions that may eventually happen.

"We believe that Timmy Wilson will become a terrorist" one unnamed White House official said, adding "We think he looks French."

A spokesman for the rebel leader said "I have to go pee-pee."

The administration and its supporters have been quietly mounting a negative p.r. campaign against Wilson for months.

One group of former preschool students from Wilson's class calling themselves the "Tricycle Veteran's for Truth" released a statement saying that Wilson was less-than-honorably discharged from the Cub Scouts.

"His claims to have achieved perfection in toilet training are completely false. I was there and I distinctly remember him wetting himself" said Tricycle Veteran spokesman Jason Mitchell.

Attorney General John Ashcroft noted that under the Patriot Act, FBI agents discovered that Wilson is known to have checked out such subversive books as "Little Red Riding Hood" and "The Little Engine That Could" from the Wee Winky Children's Library.

Months of strategic planning went into the attack and one commander was said to have pronounced after the attack "Wilson, you magnificent bastard. I read your coloring book!"

Carl Cameron of Fox News, who is embedded with the District of Columbia Air National Guard, announced "Yippeeeee!"

After the strafing, ground troops were sent in and after an hour Wilson was found hiding in a "spider hole."

Wilson claimed to be hiding there because people were shooting at him. The rebel leader is expected to be sent to Guantanamo Bay where he will be questioned.

Under relaxed wartime rules, Wilson can be questioned without the benefit of a lawyer and may be kept awake for several hours at a time and will not be allowed to watch SongeBob SquarePants at any time.

No official statements have been made by Wilson but he is reportedly said to have stated "I want my mommy!"

Posted by dmargarita at 12:41 PM

August 9, 2004

Play Dates

When I was in the sixth grade, it was controversial when the school system decided to show us a film on sex education. Former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau apparently decided that the modern student required a more "hands on" approach.

The Washington teacher spent seven years in prison for her affair with her 12-year-old student, with whom she had two children. She was a married mother of four when the affair began, but somehow the infidelity issue seems somewhat minor.

Letourneau first met Vili Fualaau when she had him...uh, taught him as a second grade student. Apparently, at that stage it was a strictly platonic relationship, what with Fualaau still prone to occasionally soiling himself.

When the boy reached the sixth grade, he found Letourneau as his teacher once again. She began an affair with Fualaau that resulted in Letourneau getting pregnant, giving new meaning to the phrase "teacher's pet." The affair was discovered and Letourneau was charged with statutory rape and given a sentence of greater than (>) five months but less than (<) seven years.

She was released after six months and ordered her to stay away from Fualaau, but a month after her release she was caught by police having sex with him in her car (his bicycle being in the shop for repairs). The incident resulted in Letourneau's second pregnancy by Fualaau, not to mention a ticket for littering.

Letourneau was then sent to prison for seven and a half years, getting out just in time to give her oldest child dating tips.

Like everyone else, I sit and wonder what can go through an otherwise normal adult's mind to make them look at a 12 year old and say "He/she's hot!"

Thinking back to when I was twelve, I suppose this kind of relationship is sort of a twelve-year-old boy's fantasy. When I was in the sixth grade, my friend Tom Kelley and I drew a picture that included actors, politicians and just about every celebrity of the day. No doubt our favorite was Raquel Welch, whom we both took turns repeatedly erasing and re-drawing, especially her breasts. That's what 12-year-old boys think about. OK, so do 42-year-old boys. The difference is that neither of us now would be salaciously drawing pictures of the prepubescent Olsen twins. No adult would be fantasizing about this kind of relationship unless he's a member of NAMBLA.

That said, Letourneau must've known that it wasn't a relationship that could be made public. You couldn't double date because it's unlikely that you can find another couple that wants to go to Chuck-E-Cheese.

Every relationship has it's problems like when your significant other has to break a date because he has a Little League game. Fights must be a one-sided battle since she would make him take a "time out." Or perhaps a date might end sooner than you'd like because your date has to be in when the street lights come on. I don't know how they spent their first anniversary together. Perhaps she made him a nice meal and he gave her a pack of baseball cards.

On the other hand, people with kids often have problems finding a sitter so they can go out on a date, but if you're the sitter AND the date it kills two birds with one stone.

Most couples hope to grow old together as their hair and teeth fall out. It's a little weird to think of starting a relationship with someone just getting body hair and their grown-up teeth.

Now free, Letourneau won the right to see Fualaau since he's now 21 years old and can buy his own liquor.

All of this puts the notion of a parent/teacher conference in a new light.

You might not be just discussing Johnny's grades but meeting your new in-law.

Originally published in The Stoneham Sun.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:56 PM

July 27, 2004

D(o) N(ot) C(ome) (to) BOSTON '04

By now, unless you've been living in a cave, you know that the Democratic National Convention is taking place in Boston. Judging by the lack of traffic on the roads, many of you might be living in a cave.

I guess the convention really kicked off Sunday night when political V.I.P.'s showed up at Fenway Park to watch the Red Sox-Yankees game. You know it's big when Ben Affleck gets bumped from his regular privileged seat.

In what might prove to be a bad omen, soon-to-be Democratic nominee John Kerry threw out, or should I say, attempted to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Standing several feet in front of the pitchers mound, Kerry bounced the ball in front the catcher (actually, a soldier with a catcher's mitt) in a throw that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger might describe as looking like that of a "girlie-man."

Monday morning, like everyone else, I was wary of the gigantic traffic mess that everybody feared only to find the roads comparatively deserted. Of course, the fact that I was on the road at 6:15 a.m. might have had something to do with it.

The convention officially kicked off at 4 p.m. and among the first speakers (or mumblers) was Mayor Tom Menino. As the mayor of Boston, presumably he was on so early to welcome the delegates. Another possible explanation is that he had to get back to his car before it got towed by Boston cops.

If you want to watch the convention in its entirety, I recommend that you put on C-Span, which follows the events uninterrupted. Although, this means that you have to sit through speeches by people you've never heard of and don't care about. When these people come on the screen it's like when you go to a concert and the performer says "This one's from my latest album." That's when you know it's a good time to go to the bathroom.

Naturally, the national anthem had to be played and it was sung by someone named Bebe Winans. No offense to Mr. Winans, but I've been to enough ballgames and seen enough people doing their "interpretation" of the Star Spangled Banner that I have no desire to see it performed unless it's by someone I know like B.B. King or even actress Bebe Neuwirth. Thank God for TV Land.

The major networks only carried the last hour, from 10:00 to 11:00 pm. That's when the "headliners" came on. Sure there were a couple of "late inning" folks, whom the networks avoided by going to one of their analysts.

One of the featured speakers was a Rev. David Alston who served with John Kerry in Viet Nam. Unfortunately, the reverend seemed to have a strange growth on the side of his head and I suspect he may be more interested in supporting John Edwards because it looks like he has a legitimate case for a malpractice suit against someone.

Al Gore, our most recently elected president, spoke as did Jimmy Carter and actress Glenn Close. Ironically, Close spoke shortly before Hillary Clinton who might've acted like Close's character (with good reason) from the movie "Fatal Attraction" when living in The White House.

Then the senator from New York introduced her husband, Bill Clinton, who closed the proceedings with a rousing speech that wowed the faithful.

After that, there was no need to go to the bullpen.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:35 PM

July 21, 2004

Yellow Fever

Stoneham makes me sick. Well, it might have.

Restaurants in town might start to get nervous when they see me enter their establishment for lunch because it seems that the places I frequent have a habit of getting closed down by the Board of Health. The most recent example being J.J. Grimsby's which had to close after a waitress tested positive for hepatitis A. This of course, is one of those rare times when being a positive person isn't such a good thing.

According to the "hepatitis.about.com" website (whose weight loss offers involve non-dietary means), there several types of hepatitis including A, B, C, D, E, F and G (and sometimes "Y" used as a vowel). It would be just my luck that the first "A" I ever get would be for hepatitis. I guess someone with an hepatitis F just didn't study herd enough.

The website lists several symptoms of hepatitis such as:

Flu-like symptoms (Also often caused by the flu).
Clay colored stool (Why picking ugly furniture is a symptom, I have no idea).
Yellowing of the skin and eyes or jaundice (Apparently the entire cast of "The Simpsons" has hepatitis).
Dark urine (Also caused by drinking green beer on St. Patrick's Day).
Extreme fatigue (In which case you probably don't have the energy to get on the internet to find out the symptoms).
Nausea (Also caused by drinking green beer on St. Patrick's Day)
Vomiting and abdominal pain (Yup, St. Patty's Day again).
It can take several months to a year to feel fit again. (Just in time for the next St. Patty's Day).

The hepatitis case was rare and no fault of Grimsby's but the other restaurants were closed down for general health violations. One of the primary reasons was because of employees not washing their hands after going to the bathroom. This is one thing I'll never understand.

Being a man I have had on occasion to visit many a public men's room. I don't know what goes on in ladies rooms, ladies, but the amount of men who don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom is staggering. Why men do this is beyond me. How long does it take to wash your hands? Are you making some sort of political statement?

I understand that there are emergency situations that arise and there sometimes is no other alternative. I mean, what guy hasn't gone behind a tree, or gone behind a bush or gone off the roof top of his frat house?

Nor did our forefathers always have the proper facilities available. As Lewis and Clark became the first white men to cross the continent, when nature called, the only available facility was nature itself. Lewis and Clark didn't have the option of stopping in at the nearest Texaco station. They also didn't have the luxury of anti-bacterial soap (which of course, was a response to the "pro" bacterial soap of earlier generations).

Non-handwashing by restaurant employees is one of the primary methods of transmission of E. coli bacteria. If you didn't like the symptoms of hepatitis A, you'll hate to hear about E. coli, so I'll spare you the details. Every restaurant men's room that I've ever been in has a sign which reads "Employees must wash hands before returning to work." Perhaps these employees should take a literacy test as well.

Fortunately, Grimby's has been decontaminated and has reopened.

Nonetheless, maybe I'll just start eating at home.

Originally published in the Stoneham Sun.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:37 AM

April 26, 2004

V-T Day

No one knows just how long the "War on Terror" will last, but it promises to be a lengthy campaign. Like everyone, I long for that day when it comes to an end. I wasn't around for V-E Day or V-J Day and can only imagine what joyous celebrations those must've been. In that spirit, I now present the news report of that as-yet-to-be historic occasion:
TERROR SURRENDERS!

ZURICH (AP)---At 12:30 p.m. local time, Terror formally surrendered in Zurich, Switzerland. Representatives of the U.S. Government and Terror met and signed official documents formally ending the war.

Representing the U.S. was Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Crunch, while representing Terror were Freddy Krueger, Jason from "Friday the 13th and their Goodwill Ambassador Casper the Friendly Ghost.

The day proved to be a career highlight for Crunch whose inability to rise above the rank of Captain for many years had become an embarrassment to the U.S. Navy.

The U.S. government's victory over Terror should prove to be a big morale boost for the nation, which has suffered through long-running, unsuccessful campaigns against Poverty and Drugs.

People celebrated wildly in the streets of cities and towns all across America. One sailor re-enacted a famous World War II photograph by bending over and kissing a nurse. However, the photo was taken in Boston where the sailor kissed a male nurse whom he later married.

The cease-fire agreement comes after months of negotiations between the United States and Terror. The deal was hung-up largely on Terror's insistence that America be at least a little bit nervous in the future. The Americans steadfastly refused by rolling out their chief negotiators, Faith and Courage.

Security was tight with the Swiss Army heavily equipped with their biggest knives that included corkscrews, bottle openers, scissor, tweezers and toothpicks.

In a spirit of goodwill, the U.S. and Terror discussed cultural exchanges to promote harmony between the two sides. The U.S. will send its ping-pong team and in return Terror will send spine-tingling sensations.

The war began in response to the attacks on September 11, 2001. President George W. Bush declared a "War on Terror" after considering declaring war on Horror, Fear, Pessimism and strangely enough, egg plant. Bush has on occasion incorrectly referred to the conflict as a "War on Terrorism," which was not surprising considering Bush's long-standing "War on Grammar."

Terror, whose slogan "Boo!" has long inspired fear, has given many television interviews, most notably a recent interview on "60 Minutes" with Morley Safer in which Terror said "We shall see the Americans in hell! And we'll get better seats since we've got connections there!"

With the end of the war and the surrender of Terror, there has been much speculation that Terror will be sent to The Hague to stand trial for "Crimes against Humanity."

Terror has reportedly already contacted noted defense attorney Alan Dershcowitz.

Considering the extent of rising global tensions, availability of nuclear weapons and the increasing spread of religious fanaticism, Humanity's Judgment Day might come sooner than expected.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:06 PM

March 22, 2004

Cool Hand Martha

Get ready to watch the new Martha Stewart show: "Martha Stewart---Serving."

If you've been living in the United States recently and can read and understand English, then you're aware that TV homemaking icon, Martha Stewart has been convicted on several charges including conspiracy, obstruction of justice and two counts of making false statements. The "domestic diva" could be spending the next several years in an interior decoratively challenged "big house."

Her picture was on the front page of almost every major newspaper in the country with most featuring the same up-close headshot of Stewart. Some papers, especially those of a more tabloid nature, presented the photo in an extreme close-up. The closer the photo, the more nefarious she appeared. I imagine the National Inquirer showed the photo of just her nostrils.

For me, the image of Martha Stewart in prison is a tough one to conceive, though many seem to be gleefully doing just that. Perhaps I can get a better handle on it if I picture Martha starring in what is arguably the greatest prison movie of all-time, "Cool Hand Luke." I do strange things like that.

The film stars Paul Newman as a charismatic, anti-establishment prisoner in the Deep South in the late 1940's, whose spirit cannot be broken by his overseers. Newman's character is sentenced to two years in prison for cutting the heads off of several parking meters while intoxicated. That's two years more than Martha was sentenced to for running into her neighbor's landscaper with her car.

In our film, "Cool Hand Martha" arrives and along with the other new prisoners, is given a list of rules to abide by.

"Any woman turning routine prison items into useful household items spends...a night in 'the box.' Any woman who misspells her calligraphy spends...a night in 'the box.' Any woman not promptly responding to RSVP's spends...a night in 'the box.'"

Ms. Stewart is known for being demanding and I can easily see her leading a prison revolt like in so many classic prison movies. Let's go to the prison cafeteria now where a fed-up (pardon the pun) Martha cajoles her fellow (or whatever the female equivalent of "fellow" is) inmates into banging their tin cups on the table, refusing top go back to their cells unless their steak tips get marinated.

"Hell no. We won't go. Until you cook our steak tips slow."

Like the irrepressible Luke, Martha might continuously try to escape, perhaps tying her cell doilies (what else would she have in her cell?) together to make a rope to climb over the wall.

Should that fail, Martha's next attempt might be while working on a chain gang. After throwing yet another shovel full of gravel onto a hot tar road, Cool Hand Martha would try to isolate herself from the group.

"Pruning flowers here, Boss" states Martha before jumping into a prison vehicle on a flight to freedom.

Of course Martha's proclivity for domestic ingenuity would probably grate on the prison's Strother Martin-like warden, who like in the movie, would eventually explode in anger at Martha.

"Now what we got here...is a failure...to communicate! You turn one milk carton into a planter, you get one set of chains. You turn two milk cartons into planters, you get two sets of chains. You won't need no third set of chains. You turn one more milk carton into a planter, and we gonna kill ya, Martha."

With her clout, support from her family and friends as well as her sheer mettle, Martha Stewart should survive her prison stint in a pretty good mental state.

Of course, if you haven't seen "Cool Hand Luke," this column makes even less sense than usual.

Posted by dmargarita at 3:43 PM

March 1, 2004

Holy Jesus!

We all need a little spiritual uplift every now and then, and so I went to see the controversial new Mel Gibson film "The Passion of the Christ." This is one movie to which I don't have to worry about giving away the ending.

As has been well documented, the film is a bloody portrayal of the last hours of Jesus. The Romans continuously beat him and many of them seem to take great delight in their work. With the exception of some flashback scenes, the only time Jesus isn't being beaten is when he's about to be beaten.

No film has been noted for it's gore this much since "Saving Private Ryan," which reportedly features 20 minutes of non-stop bloodshed at the beginning of the film. Never did a Tom Hanks movie so desperately need Meg Ryan to pop up and turn it into a cute, romantic comedy ("Saving Meg Ryan?").

For all of its bloodshed, this movie could've easily been titled "Saving Private Jesus," "Nightmare on Burning Bush Street" or "Good Friday the 13th."

Those offended by the bloodshed in "Ryan" missed the point, as well as the one that Gibson also seems to be trying to make, in my opinion. Like war, we've wanted our religion comfy and palatable, but the two films let us know what the true brutality was. If you're offended by special effects, you ought to be outraged by the real thing.

Most of the beatings take place in slow-motion, to the point where I was waiting for the voice of the late John Facenda, whose slow, deep-voiced narration of NFL Films gave them such a dramatic flair.

"It was on the barren plains of Jerusalem that a savior was born who would his lead his people into the kingdom of Heaven." I half expected John Madden to start diagramming things with his telestrater.

Gibson took a big gamble and had the dialogue spoken in Latin and Aramaic, the languages of the time and place. Fortunately, he gave in to the studio pressure and added English subtitles so the audience didn't think the people on screen were running around writing prescriptions.

To my great relief the movie was presented without coming attractions and previews. It would've seemed tacky to go into a bloody tale of The Crucifixion after watching a dancing hot dog singing "Let's all go to the lobby."

The story begins with our hero being captured by the Romans and brought before Pontius Pilate, who is played as a reluctant Roman governor. The village leaders tell Pilate that Jesus is a blasphemer who should be put to death. Pilate wants little to do with the matter and tries to avoid making a decision by saying that King Herrod must decide Jesus' fate. Herrod, who seems like an ancient Rip Taylor, sends Jesus back to Pilate. Under pressure from the crowd, Pilate, after some more beatings of Jesus, caves in and sentences Jesus to crucifixion.

Jesus is beaten, given a crown of thorns, beaten, and forced to carry his cross (while being beaten), whereupon a man, who is appalled at the treatment of Jesus, is forced to help him carry the cross. Along the way many citizens jeer Jesus, while others are startled upon seeing him. Why nobody said "Jesus Christ!" upon first seeing the bloodied Jesus is beyond me. It wouldn't have been taking the lord's name in vain, merely startled recognition of a neighbor.

Of course Jesus is crucified and then rises from the dead (hope I didn't spoil it for you).

There has been much talk that the movie is anti-semetic due to the Jews demanding Jesus' death, but not all the Jews were seeking his death as not all of the Romans were bloodthirsty savages.

Between beatings, the words of Jesus are lovingly presented and on the whole I would have to give this movie a (bloody) thumbs up.

But, as is usually the case, the book was better.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:35 PM

February 16, 2004

Guys and Dolls

If there's anything worse than being alone on Valentine's Day, it has to be getting dumped just before Valentine's Day. If you don't believe me, ask Ken.

Last week it was reported by the Associated Press that toy maker Mattel had decided that after 43 years Barbie and Ken are splitting up. Russell Arons, a vice president of marketing for Mattel and self-described "business manager" of the couple (no joke) said that Barbie and Ken "feel it's time to spend some quality time---apart." Mr. Arons then cut the interview short to go play Cowboys and Indians (joke).

The doll was "born" Barbie Millicent Roberts in 1959 and according to Arons it was on the set of a TV commercial in 1961 that Ken first met the anatomically advanced two-year-old Barbie.

Arons hinted that the separation may be partly due to Ken's reluctance to get married, which has raised some eyebrows. There have long been rumors about Ken's sexual orientation. He could often be seen summering in Provincetown and his proclivity for leather and gold chains to some represented his alternative lifestyle.

The timing of this announcement only adds to the speculation since it comes on the heels of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court decision that not allowing gays and lesbians to marry violates the state's constitution. Now Ken can come to Massachusetts and marry anyone he chooses to.

No doubt some will some will not accept this explanation for the split. They may cite Barbie's lack of job stability as a factor in the break up. She's had a varied work life going from Fashion Barbie to Nurse Barbie to Astronaut Barbie to Medic Barbie to Rock Star Barbie to Dr. Barbie (I looked it up on the internet, OK?). If the she doesn't get some stability in her life, she may wind up as "Dying Alone Barbie."

"Like other celebrity couples, their Hollywood romance has come to an end" Arons told the AP, noting Ben and J. Lo and could have added Brittany Spears and what's-his-name to the list.

The Massachusetts Legislature convened to try to craft a bill banning gay marriage but allowing civil unions, but the bid was unsuccessful. Perhaps they should ban celebrity marriages instead.

The term "civil union" almost seems to be an oxymoron considering the divorce rate today. As I heard one married man say regarding the possibility of gay marriage "Why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?"

Besides becoming the only state in America to allow gay marriages, Massachusetts could also be in the odd position of being the only state where a man and a woman getting married would be considered a "mixed marriage."

As far as I'm concerned, if Ken wants to marry guys or dolls, that's his business and it's a business that Mattel is missing out on. Think of the money they could make with "Gay Groom Ken."

The parting of Barbie and Ken was at least amicable. Fortunately there were no kids involved (since neither were anatomically correct...I assume) and according to Mr. Arons, Barbie and Ken "will remain friends."

Here's hoping that Mr. Arons spends less time with the dolls.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:34 PM

February 2, 2004

Below the Belt

Once again we have to offer congratulations to the New England Patriots on winning their second Super Bowl in three years. We also must congratulate CBS and Madison Avenue for hitting new lows in Super Bowl television history.

It seemed to me that a good portion of the commercials involved jokes that emanated from below the waist. There was a Scotsman standing over a grate to get a cool breeze up his kilt, Cedric the Entertainer inadvertently getting a bikini wax, a candle-holding woman being singed by a flatulent horse, a quarterback fondling the toilet paper protruding from his centers behind, and a man being bitten in the groin by a pooch. OK, I admit that I laughed at that one, but that was before it seemed to become a pattern.

It's not that I'm a prude. A certain amount of blue humor in the right circumstance can be funny, but the reliance on it by advertisers seemed unnecessary. Charlie Chaplin, perhaps the greatest physical comedian of all time, could be risque but didn't take a knee to the groin to my recollection.

The Three Stooges, the best known of all the slapstick comics would've had a field day with today's standards. Moe was known to get his rear end set on fire, but not once did he ever break wind (on camera).

Perhaps the crotch humor wasn't out of line considering the amount of commercials dedicated to drugs designed to treat men suffering from erectile dysfunction. One for Levitra features a man throwing a football through a tire---football's answer to a train going through a tunnel. Another ad for a rival product, Cialis, which I admit I didn't see, purportedly announces "If you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, seek medical attention." That's a form I don't want to fill out in the hospital admitting area.

Of course the big news is what happened above the belt. More specifically, Janet Jackson's belt during her performance on the MTV produced halftime show. Wouldn't you know? I'd changed the channel. At the end of Ms. Jackson's lip-sync with Justin Timberlake to a song, the former 'N Sync heartthrob reached over and grabbed the patch of cloth covering her right breast. As is wont to happen when unclothing a breast, it fell out and into full public view. Jackson, Timberlake, CBS, MTV, the NFL and possibly even Walter Cronkite apologized for the incident.

Jackson and Timberlake claimed that it was an accident, although the fact that she had a medallion on her breast made that sound implausible.

The controversy seems to have taken on a life of its own. Members of Congress have called for a federal investigation. Considering all the arm-twisting it took to get the Bush Administration to agree to an investigation into the decision to go to war with Iraq, the willingness to investigate the incident makes you think Janet Jackson was hiding Weapons of Mass Destruction under her shirt.

So, in the next few months if you turn on C-Span you might see a bunch of old men running a video of Jackson's breast...over and over an over, like the Zapruder film.

"Now, you can see here in frame 42 Justin Timberlake's hand reaches for the breast. By frame 45 the cloth is off and we see the breast. There's been speculation that there was a second breast, or as it's becoming known "The second breast theory.'"

It was in poor taste, was the wrong venue and was unnecessary but a congressional investigation seems a little over the top.

However, if they can't find WMD's in Iraq, maybe they can tell us how that streaker got on the field at halftime.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:17 PM

January 26, 2004

The Death of Heroes

Once upon a time the word "heroes" meant "people we looked up to." Now it seems to refer to nothing but a sandwich.

Americans have always idolized its athletic stars, whose personal shortcomings were once ignored by a press content to report only on said star's on-field accomplishments. In this day and age when paparazzi can make good money by photographing celebrities coming out of a restaurant, I'm not so sure if ignorance wasn't bliss. Actually, my Webster's Ninth Collegiate Dictionary defines "ignorance" as "the state or fact of being ignorant." Thanks.

As we head toward Super Bowl XXXVIII, or Super Bowl 38 for those of you that aren't Ancient Romans, we've become all too aware recently that the athletes who play professional sports are mere mortals. However, when you take the "T" out of "mortal," it doesn't necessarily mean that you have someone who is "moral" or that because someone's famous they're not subject to human frailty.

In keeping with the football opening, let's go back to the Patriots-Jets game last December. The Jets were celebrating the team's 40th anniversary when ESPN decided to conduct a live, sideline interview with Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Namath. Unfortunately, Namath had been doing quite a bit of celebrating for several hours when he appeared, blatantly intoxicated, for an interview with reporter Suzy Kolber. While slurring some points about football, Namath twice told Kolber "I want to kiss you." I'm sure people took it less seriously when he said it to wide receiver Don Maynard.

Thirty five years ago when Joe hit on a woman, a lot of people might've smiled, winked and said "Way to go, Joe." At 60 years old it, it now just makes you cringe. There are few things more embarrassing than watching a drunken, middle-aged man trying to pick up young women...at least that's what my friends have told me.

In the late sixties and early seventies, Namath was the ultimate bachelor. With his long hair and sideburns, Namath was tabloid fodder for his perpetual female companionship. The QB was constantly seen with one beautiful woman after another and gave new meaning to the phrase "the two-minute drill."

He was furnished with the nickname "Broadway Joe" with broadcaster Howard Cosell suggesting at a Joe Namath Roast that Namath received the moniker because "When Joe gets a broad, he makes his way." It was shortly thereafter that Cosell resigned his membership from the National Organization for Women.

Namath's success with women became legendary and is likely the reason he was also called "Joe Willie Namath" instead of "Joe Won't He Namath."

The Hall of Famer apologized to Kolber and recently announced that he has admitted himself for treatment of alcohol abuse. Here's hoping that Namath can get the help that he needs, although it's likely that there's no such treatment facility for the person who decided that it was a good idea to let an obviously intoxicated man on the air.

Namath is no different from millions of folks that have struggled with chemical dependence, but they don't have their human foibles played out in national TV. Most people are generous of spirit and heart and can forgive someone who has struggled with addiction, has worked to overcome it and is genuinely repentant.

That's why they can't forgive Pete Rose.

Baseball's all time hit leader recently made the news when he finally admitted after 14 years that he had, in fact, bet on baseball when he was managing the Cincinnati Reds. Since it coincided with his new autobiography, it seemed more of a confession of convenience than conscience. The baseball great has been banned from baseball and is thus ineligible for induction into The Baseball Hall of Fame. He's clearly never been a candidate for the Haircut Hall of Fame. With his announcement coming on the day that Paul Molitor and Dennis Eckersley were designated for induction into the Hall and thus stealing their thunder, Rose once again looks the selfish, boorish jerk that he's always been.

Rose likes to cite the fact that plenty of players known for bad behavior are in the Hall. He points in particular to Ty Cobb, a psychotic racist and possible murderer, and Babe Ruth, a drunken womanizer. While their flaws perhaps should've landed them in jail or hell, Rose doesn't seem to grasp why directly putting the integrity of a game in question is the cardinal sin of baseball and more relevant to access to the game. If Rose wants into the Hall of Fame, he should buy a ticket (If he has AAA he can get a discount).

Once upon a time, ballplayers traveled by overnight train from city to city, along with the reporters who covered them. Late one evening, Ruth is reputed to have run through a car naked, with a knife-wielding woman following right behind. One reporter turned to a colleague and said "It's a good thing we didn't see that or we'd have to report it."

In the age of innocence, Americans were fed nothing but positive pabulum about our sports heroes.

Times have changed and so haven't the standards of journalism. The stories that the scribes did give us back then were ones like Ruth's visit to Johnny Sylvester. The youngster was reportedly gravelly ill in a hospital when The Babe visited him and promised to hit a home run for him in that day's World Series game. Sure enough, the Sultan of Swat smacked a homer (three, actually) and young Johnny made a miraculous recovery. No biography ever mentions if the Babe also promised to score with two hookers that night as well.

Today, a sick youngster might be just as cynical as a modern reporter and I'm not so sure if it's a good thing. One can almost envision a boy in a hospital bed asking "Gee, Mr. Rose, do you think you can hit a tri-fecta at Aqueduct for me?"

Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio?

Go Pats!

Posted by dmargarita at 1:08 PM

January 20, 2004

Field of Dreams

In the movie "Field of Dreams" the catch phrase used is "Is this Heaven?" with the reply being "No, it's Iowa." After much anticipation, the "Field of Candidates" has weathered the Iowa caucuses. Let's see whose dreams were realized, and whose were shattered.

No doubt that you've heard by now that our own Bay State Senator John Kerry came in first place. This came as a surprise to many, especially Kerry, whose degree in Personality was earned from the "Mike Dukakis School of Wit and Charm." Kerry continues to attack the Bush Administration for the Iraq War, which Kerry had voted in favor of. Kerry either lacked the guts or the foresight to vote against the war, both of which are disturbing possibilities for a presidential contender. Like so many Democrats, he was likely in fear of being called unpatriotic by the Republicans, which they made a point of doing to anybody who disagreed with them. Sadly, this also included Max Cleland, a Vietnam vet who lost three limbs in that conflict and was pictured alongside Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein in an opponent's campaign ad. When popular sentiment began going against the war (at least with Democrats), Kerry began his opposition to the war. In my Webster's Ninth Collegiate Dictionary, the word "opposition" is on the same page as "opportunism."

In second place came Senator John Edwards of North Carolina with 32 percent of the vote. Edwards toughest task will be proving that just because he's a lawyer it doesn't make him a bad guy, since many people in this country hate lawyers. Edwards is fifty years old, but looks like he's in high school which may pose an additional problem. A pumped up Edwards took the stage late last night and gave a rousing speech, sounding like a confident football coach firing up the troops.

Of course, there's a difference between pumping up the troops and sounding like a madman, which is what Howard Dean wound up doing. Seemingly a shoo-in a few weeks ago, the former Vermont governor finished a surprising and distant third with just 18 percent of the vote. Then, with perhaps a full moon in the sky, in an attempt to rally his supporters, Dean launched into a tirade that was punctuated with a blood-curdling scream, reminiscent of Dracula's insane sidekick Renfield. I half expected Dean to start catching flies and eating them. Though Dean likely scared off a lot of potential supporters with that performance, he may have done wonders to support mental health groups.

It was sad to watch Dean's mental breakdown on national TV, but it was even more sad to watch Dick Gephardt's presidential ambitions fade. By all accounts, Gephardt is an honest and decent man, meaning there's absolutely no place for him in Washington, D.C. The last honest and decent man we elected president was Jimmy Carter. We all know how that turned out. Before I get flack from Reagan supporters, let's remember that he and his successor, George H.W. Bush were neck-deep in the Iran-Contra scandal. I don't even need to detail Bill Clinton's peccadilloes.

Gephardt's situation points out a big problem with our election system. The states that have the first caucuses and primaries get to determine who our candidates are before much of the country has a say. There are 49 more states yet to cast a ballot, but after a poor showing in one he's done? For Gephardt it's like coming up to home plate, taking a strike and being called out.

As bad as Gephardt must have felt, he still did better than Dennis Kucinich. The Democratic Representative from Ohio managed just 1 percent of the vote. Kucinich thanked his voter (personally) before moving on to New Hampshire.

Kucinich's 1 percent was twice the amount that the Rev. Al Sharpton got. Unfortunately for Sharpton, the first two voting events take place in Iowa and New Hampshire, two of the whitest states in the union. When Sharpton and Carol Moseley-Braun entered Iowa, they virtually doubled its minority population. Sharpton can take consolation in the fact that he finished a strong second in the Washington, D.C. primary. Well, he could if that primary counted.

Moseley-Braun dropped out of the race one day after appearing on "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central where she explained why she'd win in Iowa. The few times she got any media coverage she seemed to answer questions directly and make sense. We'll have none of that.

So now it's on to New Hampshire where our neighbors to the north will have the next shot at determining our future.

"Is this political hell?"

"No, it's New Hampshire."

Posted by dmargarita at 1:29 PM

January 19, 2004

The Road to Fame

Congratulations to Stoneham's Nancy Kerrigan for being elected into the U.S. Figure Skating Hall of Fame. That's one more Hall of Fame than I've ever been or ever will be elected to. So many others have found it much easier to be elected to The Hall of Shame.

Kerrigan was inducted for her stellar skating career which included two Olympic medals, a bronze and a silver (though she deserved a gold on that one) and not for the bizarre circumstance of being clubbed in the knee by agents of her archrival Tonya Harding. However, that incident did get Ms. Harding & Co. a first ballot ticket to the Hall of Shame. The kind of bust that they received was not one you'd put on your mantle.

The incident did give Ms. Kerrigan a higher profile than she might normally would have achieved otherwise, as evidenced by her guest hosting of Saturday Night Live, a feat not attained by such Olympic gold medallists as Kristi Yamaguchi and Sarah Hughes. Actor John Goodman has hosted the show twelve times, leaving me to wonder just how many times he was clubbed in the knee.

Upon hosting SNL, Ms. Kerrigan became the first Stonehamite ever to do so, an honor which, I admit, I thought I might achieve someday when I first began doing stand up comedy. The closest I ever came was working on a Saturday night.

I decided to get into comedy when I saw Eddie Murphy doing stand up on TV and thought "This kid's my age making that kind of money? I can do that." Obviously, while our ages have paralleled, our careers took very different trajectories. It seems that to achieve his level of success involves a certain amount of drive and talent, two qualities that I apparently didn't possess a sufficient quantity of.

Americans are obsessed with fame. People are all too willing to go on TV and degrade themselves for a chance in the spotlight. You can't turn on the tube without witnessing someone willing to marry a stranger who is a millionaire, marry a stranger who isn't really millionaire or see someone who is willing to eat bugs.

Some people have found other ways to achieve fame. Here are some other paths to celebrity:

1. Sleep with someone famous---The most fun route to unwarranted fame, this worked for White House intern Monica Lewinsky. She may be able to type 90 words a minute, but that's not what made her a celebrity. Her one discernable skill that made her famous isn't really transferable to another job. I doubt she's put that in her resume. Carlos Leon went from a fitness trainer to "The guy who fathered Madonna's baby." Unknown fitness trainers don't find themselves on the cover of "People."

2. Cause an international incident---In 1987 a 19-year-old named Mathias Rust shocked the world by flying a Cessna plane undetected from his native Germany into Russia, landing in Red Square, no less. A year later on a trip to Russia, I considered causing an international incident as well. When I was pulled into a small room and frisked by soldiers and saw holstered pistols lying on a table, I thought better of it. Might've gotten me a Tonight Show gig, though (when I eventually got out).

3. Shoot a celebrity---Would anyone remember John Wilkes Booth for his stellar rendition of Hamlet? I doubt it. More recently, John Hinckley and Mark David Chapman gained notoriety (and infamy) in this manner. While Chapman remains locked up, Hinckley has recently been given permission to take unsupervised overnight trips. Let's hope he doesn't decide to become a Big Brother.

4. Be the progeny of a celebrity---This is a road to fame that no one has any say in. Lisa Marie Presley, Julian Lennon and Jack Osbourne all were born into famous families. Lisa Marie also had the bright idea to marry Michael Jackson. Your own fault on that one, Lis.

Most of us aren't willing to humiliate ourselves to become famous. As for me, I'll just continue to live "The Simple Life."

Posted by dmargarita at 6:33 PM

January 12, 2004

My Favorite Martian

The space race is on...again.

Several news outlets have reported that President Bush will propose that the focus of future space missions will be a manned space flight to the moon, an event that's never been accomplished...since the last time it was accomplished.

The reports follow the jubilation of the successful landing of NASA's rover Spirit on Mars last week. Video footage showed euphoric NASA employees hugging and popping champagne corks as they gleefully celebrated a feat that they first achieved in 1976.

One news anchor actually said that "the photos transmitted back from the red planet show that the planet is really red." Perhaps that might have been news 400 years ago when Galileo was calling Mars "the red planet" as he looked at it through his telescope.

Not everyone has been that successful with their Mars missions lately. The British found their hopes dashed when they lost contact with their space probe "Beagle 2" after it landed on Mars. If ever a machine could've failed due to a poor self-image, it was that one. At least NASA has had the good sense to give adventurous sounding names to its probes such as "Viking," "Pathfinder" and "Spirit." I imagine that "Beagle 2" simply shut down out of embarrassment. If they were going to name it after a dog, there were plenty of breeds that would've have better represented the mission. They could've named it "Retriever," "Bloodhound" or "St. Bernard" which is best known for carrying small kegs of rum to avalanche-stranded skiers.

I haven't been able to find out what happened to Beagle 1. Perhaps someone at the British space center left the door open and it ran away.

Scientists believe that water once flowed on Mars and are anxious to see if any form of life ever existed there. Experts seem reasonably certain that the creatures that have constantly tried to take over the earth in science fiction movies probably don't exist. If they do, they might not want to come here if they've seen our movies where the earth-bound humans repeatedly outwit and defeat creatures capable of inter-planetary travel. For over a hundred years Martians have been portrayed in books and movies as little green men, conquerors of our planet and even a loveable guest on the TV show "My Favorite Martian." The one creature I do hope they find is the Looney Tunes character Marvin Martian, best known for his phrase "You earthlings make me very angry."

If there are any life forms on Mars, scientists believe it will be microbial. In 1996 NASA scientists announced that they discovered compounds on a meteorite from Mars that had landed in Antarctica and contained evidence of life on Mars. Insert your own Dan Quayle joke here. This claim was later dismissed and like Dan Quayle, has drifted off into obscurity.

It's calming to know that NASA has set its sights on reasonable goals. If you were able to land a man on the moon in 1972, you should be able to do it with today's technology.

After the tragic loss of the space shuttle Columbia, it's understandable that NASA would want to proceed cautiously with its program. I think that NASA should continue playing it safe by duplicating past achievements. For instance, it might only cost $1 billion to build a plane that can fly solo across the Atlantic.

In fairness, President Bush is also expected to announce plans to send a manned (or womanned) spacecraft to Mars, which would represent a bold step in space exploration.

Don't get me wrong---I'm all for space exploration. If man had ceased to be scientifically curious, we'd still be living in caves.

It's just that there's a lot of problems here on earth that need to be addressed that the billions spent on duplicating previous feats could possibly solve.

Call me when we get to Mars. I'll be in my cave.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:04 AM

January 5, 2004

Soylent Cows

To paraphrase a line from the movie "Airplane," as spoken by veteran actor Lloyd Bridges' character, "It looks like I picked a bad week to resume eating beef."

I was never a fan of beef. Perhaps it's a result of the tough steaks that my mother served me as a child, or just because I simply wasn't crazy about the taste. So, whenever I saw people drool over the prospect of having steak for dinner, I never got what all the fuss was about. I was strictly a pizza man (and boy).

That's not to say that I'm a vegetarian. What would Thanksgiving be without stuffing yourself with turkey and watching football? I've had my share of ballpark franks---until I found out what was in them. Trust me, you don't want to know.

Sometime in the early '90's I visited some friends in the U.K. when we decided to eat at an "American" style restaurant. It wasn't exactly American style because it never occurred to the waitress to ask me how I wanted my food cooked and I wasn't expected to leave a tip, but that's beside the point. Though never much of a meat-eater, I ordered a cheeseburger with instructions to cook it "medium-well," although it later dawned on me that if they're not used to cooking food to order, they probably had no idea what "medium-well" meant.

A short time after arriving home, news reports began circulating about a condition in the U.K. known as "mad cow disease," a disorder that eats away cows brains leaving them dizzy and stumbling before dying. Video footage of staggering, stumbling cows might be funny on "America's Funniest Home Videos" but as news footage of a dying cow, it was horrifying. It seems that several humans consuming beef of infected cows had contracted the disease and had died. The British government announced that anyone who had spent six months in the U.K. was at risk. I couldn't have gone to Hawaii instead?

While only having one cheeseburger in my one week vacation didn't likely pose any great threat, it did make me a little nervous. As the years went by new concerns about beef sprung up, in particular, a bacteria known as "E. coli" was causing people to get sick and in some cases die. Unlike mad cow, E. coli, though not strictly limited to beef, could be killed if the meat was cooked well enough. Then I heard that cattle were being given steroids to increase their size. The last thing we need are cows with a mustache. Do you still wonder why I gave up eating beef?

Here's how mad cow seems to have come about. In the 1980's farmers began changing the feed that they gave cattle. Cattle, which are herbivores, began getting feed that had ground up sheep and (infected) cattle parts. Yes, these cows began eating other cows, so in essence, not only have we turned them into carnivores, we've also turned them into cannibals. Remember, we locked up Jeffrey Dahmer for doing the same thing.

It seems unnatural and as is often the case with unnatural things, there's an unhealthy consequence. For instance, there's a reason that siblings aren't allowed to marry.

Of course these cattle aren't aware that they're eating their own kind, which was the plot of the 1973 sci-fi film "Soylent Green." Set in a future where overpopulation is causing widespread hunger, the government gives people these Soylent Green cookies which turn out to be made of humans.

How would you feel if you found out that when you went out to eat Chinese you were actually eating Chinese?

"Pass the waiter, please."

Recently I joined some friends for lunch at a certain steak house best known for its plastic cows stationed on the front lawn. All of the cows seem to be standing upright, so I don't think that they were infected. I stunned my friends when I ordered a cheeseburger, since nothing else on the menu there has ever tasted that great to me.

Sure enough, about a week later on December 23, it was announced that a cow had been discovered in Washington State that was diagnosed with mad cow disease. Merry Christmas! Unfortunately, the disease can lay dormant for 10-15 years before showing symptoms.

So, if in five years you see me banging my head against a wall for no apparent (Red Sox related) reason, you'll know why.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:12 PM

December 29, 2003

2003: The Year in Review

Once again we come to the conclusion of another year. This seems to happen every December. So it's time once again for my annual "Year in Review" which I do every year, hence the word "annual" (as is that joke).

Jan. 6---Dolly the sheep, the world's first cloned mammal dies at age six, half the life expectancy for her species. Scientists are disappointed and admit that they feel "pretty baaaaaaad."

Jan. 25---Scientist Professor Fiona Stanley from Western Australia is named Australian of the Year. That's actually a big story in Australia.

Feb. 27---Beloved children's entertainer Fred Rogers dies at age 74, making it a lousy day in the neighborhood. Rogers is later stunned when a clerical error in Heaven finds him in hell being stabbed in the ass with a pitchfork.

Mar. 20---The U.S. begins its war on Iraq with a "decapitation strike" designed to kill Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein. The strike kills one person who is not Hussein and is not decapitated.

Apr. 1---Pfc. Jessica Lynch is rescued from captivity by U.S. Special Forces. The rescue is captured on videotape and declared the best TV "reality show" of the year. Forces arriving on the scene tell Lynch that she's been "punk'd."

Jul. 22---Uday and Qusay Hussein are killed by U.S. troops in the northern city of Mosul. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon says he's pleased to hear that Uday and Qusay are "Mosul-t'offed."

May 1---President Bush announces the end of "major combat" in Iraq. Bush then orders Major Combat to return to the U.S. The rest of the year continues with "minor combat."

Jun. 26---Just months after retiring, Senator Strom Thurmond dies at age 100. Before becoming America's longest serving senator ever, Thurmond served as Governor of South Carolina and Dixiecrat presidential candidate in 1948 when he fought to keep blacks off the voting rolls and out of white public schools. "Next thing you know, they're gonna want to play basketball" he declares. Later in the year, a 78-year-old black woman named Essie Mae Washington-Williams announces that she is Thurmond's daughter, the product of a tryst between a then 22-year-old Thurmond and his family's 16-year-old black maid. Thurmond's family tries to put a good spin on it by stating that it proves that Thurmond wasn't against all forms of integration.

Jul. 27---Legendary comedian Bob Hope dies from pneumonia shortly after his 100th birthday. Doctors speculate that Hope caught pneumonia while trying to blow out all the candles on his cake.

Aug. 15---Much of the northeastern U.S. and parts of Canada are plunged into darkness when a massive power failure strikes. This is bizarre because the blackout hit at 4 p.m. and it doesn't usually get dark until 7:30.

Sept. 12---Country music legend Johnny Cash, "The Man in Black" dies at age 71. Relatives raid his closet for clothes to wear to the funeral.

October 8: Action star turned politician Arnold Schwarzenegger claims victory in his election bid to oust and replace California's governor Gray Davis. Schwarzenegger also claims that "The Terminator" can kick Superman's ass.

October 15: China launches its first manned space flight. An hour later the Chinese feel like sending up another spacecraft.

Nov. 11---Pornography king Larry Flynt announces that he has nude photos of Pfc. Jessica Lynch in his possession, but won't publish them. The photos purportedly show Lynch frolicking with other soldiers, doing "more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day."

Nov. 30---Swimmer Gertrude Ederle dies at 98. In 1926 Ms. Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Channel, proving that women were just as capable of doing stupid things as men.

Dec. 13---Appearing bearded and unkempt, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is captured. He is found hiding in a hole in the ground that is described by U.S. authorities as a "rat hole." Several rats take offense with one noting "Hey, even I wouldn't be caught dead in that place."

Dec. 19---Singer Michael Jackson is arrested and charged with seven felony counts of molesting a child and two felony counts of plying the same child with an "intoxicating agent." Jackson's intoxicating agent denies any involvement. Five of the molestation charges allege that Jackson committed a "lewd and lascivious act upon and with the body and certain parts" of the boy. Ironically, that phrase also describes Jackson's performance during halftime at Super Bowl XXVII.

Dec. 20---After many years and billions of dollars, Boston's "Big Dig" tunnel opens up. Now Bostonians will be stuck in traffic jams underground.

There you have it. A year to remember except for the parts that you'd like to forget. Have a happy, safe, prosperous and peaceful New Year.

Posted by dmargarita at 11:44 AM

December 22, 2003

The Wright Stuff

If you're planning on flying anywhere for the Christmas holiday this year, there's two people in particular you owe a debt of gratitude to. No, I don't mean the luggage screeners who assume that the hair dryer in your carry-on luggage is not an automatic weapon, but to Orville and Wilbur Wright.

You're probably well aware by now that last week marked the 100th anniversary of their historic flight in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. The event was re-created at the same location last week where enthusiastic crowds gathered to watch a replica Wright Flyer taxi down a wooden track, only to plop face-down into the mud.

President Bush was on hand for the event, though he did not announce plans to revive NASA missions to the moon, which some had anticipated. Actor John Travolta, who introduced the president, volunteered to go on the first moon mission. Bush, who made no commitment to the space program and didn't stay for the actual test flight, said of Travolta "We shall call him moon man from now on." Folks, that's better than anything I can make up.

The Wrights owned a bicycle shop in their hometown of Dayton, Ohio before deciding that what the world needed was a flying bicycle. Thus, the state of Ohio has adopted the motto of their state as "The Birthplace of Aviation," which has put them in a tussle with North Carolina whom has long referred to itself as "First in Flight." Apparently, the state of Ohio doesn't feel that it has anything else to promote that they can use as a slogan. How about "Home of the Pro Football Hall of Fame" or "There's a Reason They Call it Lake Erie" or "Home of the Cayuhoga River; So Polluted That it Once Caught Fire?"

The boys began tinkering with the "aeroplane" and decided that the best place to test it was at "Kill Devil Hills" in Kitty Hawk. It is reasonable to assume that they chose this location for it's aeronautics and not its ominous sounding name. Wind currents are probably also why they chose that location over nearby "Crash and Burn Mountain" and "We're Going to Die Field."

The first successful flight lasted just twelve seconds. That was not long enough for an in-flight movie, but just long enough to view a one-panel cartoon. The flight also went a mere 120 twenty feet, which is the distance of a short pop up.

Of course, there have been great advances since then. One can now hop on a plane and be on another continent in the same day. As we learned on September 11, 2001, this technology can be misused with devastating consequences. Had the airplane never developed beyond the Wright Flyer, a plane crashing into the World Trade Center Towers would've resulted in a scratched window and a dead pilot.

The hijacking craze of the 1970's itself never would've come to be if the airplane hadn't improved it's distance capability. A hijacker's demands would've been limited. "Take this plane...across the street."

We probably also would've missed out on the airline that decided to have a "nude" flight, which by the way, would make getting through customs a lot easier.

The year 1903 saw some historic journeys. Besides the Wright's historic plane trip, Horatio Nelson Jackson made the first ever cross-country automobile trip. Perhaps it's because there are no great journeys to take, or because we've lost our collective drive, but the only journey this country is focused on in 2003 is that of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and their trek to Arkansas to live on a farm in the reality TV show "The Simple Life."

Despite the acclaim they received for their world-changing invention, neither Orville or Wilbur ever married proving that in the early twentieth century, as now, even being a famous inventor couldn't get you laid if your name was "Orville" or "Wilbur."

I just wonder if on that historic first flight Orville had a little bag of salted peanuts.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:37 PM

December 8, 2003

Gobble, Gobble Doppelganger

Political opponents of President George W. Bush might call him "two-faced" for his deceptive handling of the war. That insult is figurative, but I'm wondering if that might literally be true.

By now you've all seen the photos of the president carrying a turkey while visiting U.S. troops in Iraq on Thanksgiving. What you may or may not have heard is that it turns out that the bird that Bush was photographed carrying, apparently was a fake or "decoration" turkey, as the White House is calling it. Military sources told reporters that a decorative turkey is a standard feature of holiday chow lines. I'm sure there's nothing that soldiers like better after months of having been a sitting duck (pardon the pun) than to get in line and drool over a delicious looking bird only to be told that it's made of plastic. Ha-ha.

It seemed appropriate to me that Bush was carrying a turkey double while visiting a country whose leader is known to have a number of doubles or "doppelgangers," if you will. Then it hit me. What if it really wasn't George W. Bush? Could it have been a double?

I presume that George W. Bush would've learned from his stint in the National Guard when he went AWOL for the last several months. If you're going to be president, you've got to show up unless you've got someone available to replace you.

After all, the man who made headlines for landing on an aircraft carrier and then swaggering around on deck with a helmet and flight suit would probably not skulk into Baghdad under the cover of darkness, visit some troops in an airplane hanger for a couple of hours and sneak out without everyone knowing about it ahead of time. That's not exactly a "Top Gun" moment.

A Bush double would explain a lot of things. Would the leader of the most powerful military in the history of the world really not know how to pronounce the word "nuclear?" If you haven't heard him, Bush... or whoever he is, says "NU-CU-LER."

Would the real President of the United States do something as bone-headed as challenging guerilla fighters by saying "Bring 'em on!?"

The idea of a double is nothing new. At the end of The Beatles career, word got around that Paul McCartney was in fact dead and had been replaced by a double. Fans began searching songs and album covers for clues. It's time to unravel this Bush mystery the same way.

A review of the president's 2002 State of the Union Address provides some startling clues. When you play a tape of the phrase "axis of evil" backwards it says "live fo sixa," which in Latin means "live for sex." A President of the United States would never publicly state that.

In reference to Iraq the president says "This is a regime that has something to hide from the civilized world." Yes, and so far that something has been Sadaam Hussein.

During an applause break Vice President Dick Cheney can be seen with his hand over Bush's head. In Upper Volta that is considered a sign of death.

At one point he calls Ted Kennedy his friend. Who are we kidding? If he said that at the Republican National Convention, a trap door would open up beneath his feet.

On the other hand, perhaps I'm being overly suspicious. In Iraq, if you have the misfortune to resemble Sadaam Hussein, you have to become his double, which means that your job is to be the mistaken target for a bullet.

In America if you look like the president or someone famous, you can make a living by showing up at parties and impersonating them.

The latter seems pretty easy while the former is probably as tough as a plastic turkey.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:15 PM

December 1, 2003

"A" is for "Attica"

They say that crime doesn't pay. That may or may not be true...but it sure does cost a lot.

Recent news reports state that for the first time in at least 35 years, Massachusetts is spending more on jails and prisons than on public higher education. This leaves one of two possibilities: reporters were too lazy to look back more than 35 years, or that 36 years ago, spending more on prisons than higher education was Massachusetts' policy.

According to a report in The Boston Globe, higher education appropriations were cut 29 percent between 1988 and 1992 and 27 percent between 2001and 2004 for an aggregate total of 56 percent. All of which proves that my lower education in English and basic arithmetic were sufficient to read that article.

This year's state budget included $830 million in funding for prisons and jails and "only" $816 million for schools. Perhaps the cost of barbed wire has gone up, while the cost of textbooks has decreased. I wish they'd give me "only" one percent of that.

We live in an era of constant budget cuts to education. It seems to me that public officials are missing a chance to save money in both the corrections and education areas. Several hundred million could be lopped off the state budget by combining the two programs. My idea is simple---let's send college students to prison.

Men leaving prison often have a hard time adjusting to society and getting a job. That's because they re-enter society with unusable job skills. What are prisoners best known for making in prison? License plates. A recent scan of the help wanted section of the paper tells me that license plate makers are not in great demand.

If prisoners can become teachers they would probably have a much better chance at obtaining employment upon their release. White collar, corporate criminals could teach mathematics and business classes. Repeat offenders could possibly teach law courses, having had multiple experiences with the legal system. Some offenders could teach science courses using their knowledge of chemicals.

If they are not capable of teaching those courses, they can teach kids more street savvy and useful things like how to make a spoon into a "shank," how to carve a gun out of a bar of soap and how to smuggle contraband in various orifices.

As for the students, well, you remember college. Society may be safer with them off the streets. Incidents of "cow tipping" alone would be radically reduced. Giant mascots and logos would be safe from kidnapping and a prison would probably not have to worry about a crowd tearing down the football goalposts.

Speaking of football, athletics could continue to be important. After all, has anyone seen "The Longest Yard?"

It's a sad commentary on our society that prison spending should be higher than education spending. Without any data in front of me, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the bulk of people in prison tend to be less educated. If less quality education is available, the disparity between the two budgets will probably continue to grow.

The only bright side of this is that if the economy continues to grow and car sales improve there'll be more of a need for license plates.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:18 AM

November 24, 2003

The Mickey/Michael Connection

Perhaps you're sick of hearing about Michael Jackson by now. Well, I'm sick of writing about him.

I've already devoted a column to him in this space, "Bad Dad, or Just Mad?" which you can access through my website www.danmargarita.com under the "topical" category. How's that for a shameless plug?

Originally I thought I'd write about Mickey Mouse, who celebrated his 75th birthday last week. It was a gala affair in Disney World where Mickey, who continues to work despite his advancing years, was surrounded at the theme park by rides, animals and adoring children. Wait a minute---that's exactly the lifestyle that got Michael Jackson in trouble!

Now that I think of it, the two entertainers are really not all that different.

They're both skinny, have high pitched voices and love to be around children.

Both of them have suffered career declines in recent years.

Both of them have large homes in southern California. They each have the first name Michael. OK, Mickey's first name isn't Michael, but generally the name Mickey is a nickname for Michael, the lone exception being baseball legend Mickey Mantle whose birth name was "Mickey" after another baseball great Mickey Cochrane, whom Mantle's father idolized.

Each of them has radically different faces than when they first came into the public eye. Jackson's cosmetic surgeries have been well publicized, while Mouse's (I think I should be consistent with the same possessive here) face has gone from the rat-like, black-eyed face to a rounder mug with pupils.

One's company produced "The Lion King" while the other was married to Lisa Marie Presley, the daughter of "The King" of rock and roll.

They both have enjoyed similar financial success in becoming multi-millionaires. One's company now has a theme park in Paris, and the other has a daughter named Paris. Both can be considered as anthropomorphic, defined in Webster's dictionary as "described or thought of as having a human form or human attributes.

Mickey was conceived as an alternative to Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, Walt Disney's first character, whose ownership rights Disney was forced to surrender to a greedy distributor. Michael was conceived to become the lead singer in the family act, The Jackson Five.

Michael dangled a baby over the railing of his hotel room, while Mickey dangled from the edge of a cliff in one of his early movies. OK, I don't know that for sure, but he was a mischievous creature in his early films, so it's probable that like most cartoon characters of the era he wound up dangling from the edge of a cliff at some point.

There are of course, some differences. Mickey Mouse originally appeared as "Steamboat Willie" in his first cartoon, while Jackson was never named Steamboat Willie to my knowledge. Mickey Mouse has stayed with the same woman, Minnie Mouse, for his entire career whereas Michael Jackson has been married twice.

Perhaps the most shameful similarity between the two is that both continue to have children visit them even though the children's parents should be well aware that the cost might be very high.

Posted by dmargarita at 12:39 PM

November 3, 2003

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

It was either a case of the worst marksman in history, or the most elusive victim.

By now you've probably seen the video footage of a man shooting a lawyer outside of a courtroom in Los Angeles. Fortunately, 64-year old William Strier chose to shoot Gerald Curry outside of a courthouse where numerous camera crews happened to be on site for a hearing for accused murderer, actor Robert Blake. He could've only gotten more coverage if he'd shot someone outside of Scott Peterson's courthouse.

On TV, murderers often try to perpetrate "the perfect crime" to avoid capture. Mr. Strier seems to have gone on to attempt "the imperfect crime." Prosecutors must be licking their chops at the thought of trying Mr. Strier. You don't need the deductive reasoning of Sherlock Holmes to solve this case. In fact, a middle school student could probably prosecute this one and win (although I kind of thought that about the O.J. Simpson case, as well).

Lawyers are an often despised segment of society, hence all the lawyer jokes such as: Q--What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A--A start; or: Q--What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A--There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

All of these are grossly unfair to the legal profession, a necessary job that has to be done by someone (he says so as not to be sued for libel by his lawyer friends). While I may have often said rhetorically that someone "should be shot," that's not a form of justice that I endorse.

Fortunately Mr. Curry was not seriously hurt, despite being shot in the neck and arms, or I wouldn't be so flip about it. Hell, I'm still avoiding making Lincoln assassination jokes because I don't want to offend the Lincoln family.

Let's recount the scene for those of you who have not witnessed it. Mr. Strier, described by some as "disgruntled" (of course, who would do this if they were "gruntled?") is shown on tape shooting at Mr. Curry, who, standing behind a tree, moves from side-to-side, dodging bullets. Either Mr. Strier has the worst shooting eye since the nearsighted "Vanderbuilt" character from "F Troop" or Mr. Curry should be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

At first glimpse one isn't sure if it's an outtake from the farcical TV show "Police Squad" in which a cop, played by Leslie Neilson, would sometimes be engaged in a shoot-out with a suspect while each would hide behind trash cans three feet apart. Or perhaps a scene from "Benny Hill." All that was missing were Strier and Curry racing around the tree in fast motion to the tune "Yakkity Sax." Clearly, I watch WAY too much TV.

In L.A., a show business town, many of the major crimes appear to be caught on videotape. It seems that every other day there's a car chase being shown on the news, taped from a helicopter. No wonder the traffic on the highways is so bad out there. The helicopter traffic people are too busy watching police pursuits unfold to tell motorists which roads to avoid.

Then again, what do you expect in a town where people are likely to use videotape of themselves committing a crime as an audition tape for their resume?

Posted by dmargarita at 2:21 PM

October 27, 2003

A Barrel of Laughs

My Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines the word "stupid" as "given to unintelligent decisions or acts." New editions may feature a picture of Kirk Jones, the man who intentionally threw himself over the Canadian side of Niagara Falls last week.

The Associated Press reported the story by saying that "A man survived a plunge over Niagara Falls with only the clothes on his back." The article makes no mention of how many people went over naked.

The only previous survivor to go over without a barrel or other contraption of any kind was a 7-year-old boy in 1960 who was wearing a life preserver when thrown overboard from a boat. Exactly what he said to his parents to get himself thrown overboard is unclear.

According to The Daily Beacon (OK, I've never heard of it either), Jones told ABC News that he didn't want to go on living, but authorities believe that it was not a suicide attempt, but a stunt. The fact that X-rays found twenty live goldfish in Jones' stomach added credence to that theory.

Family and friends told ABC that Jones had been considering the jump for years, possibly since the cancellation of "Star Trek." Police are reviewing videotape of the incident shot by a friend of Jones who accompanied him to the falls. Authorities had to fast forward through scenes of Jones dropping water balloons and initiating flatulence conflagrations. Jones is being charged with unlawfully performing a stunt and could be fined $10,000 dollars, about $7,600 American. There's also talk that he could be sentenced to 30 days in jail, three weeks American.

Jones did lose his job recently when his parents had to shut down the family business. The Daily Beacon quotes The Detroit News as quoting Jones' father (got to make sure I give the proper attributions), Raymond Jones, as saying that he had to lay off his son. Jones' mother claims that her husband misinterpreted her when she told him to "lay off the boy." Jones' Niagara Falls stunt stunned his parents who expected him to once again to run away from home and join the circus.

After plunging over the falls, Jones was washed down stream a ways before climbing onto a rock virtually unscathed where he was promptly arrested. Jones later received a congratulatory telegram from fellow daredevil, Wile E. Coyote.
Since 1901 some 17 people, excluding suicide attempts, have plunged over Niagara Falls in a barrel or some other type of contraption. Five of them have died. Here are some of the attempts courtesy of the AP:

Oct. 24, 1901--Annie Edison Taylor goes over in an oak barrel, paving the way for women's rights movement. Many men suggest to their wives that they should also attempt to advance the women's movement.

July 25, 1911--Englishman Bobby Leach goes over in a steel barrel, becoming the first man to accomplish the task. he sends a note to Annie Edison Taylor that reads "Any stupid thing you can do, I can do better. I can do any stupid thing better than you."

July 11, 1920--George Stevens, known as the "English Daredevil" dies in his attempt to ride over the falls in an oak barrel. He's later known as the "English Dead-devil."

July 4, 1928--Jean Lussier, a French Canadian, survives in a steel reinforced rubber ball. Lussier's rubber ball then bounces back to the top of the falls and he goes over again.

July 5, 1930--George Stathakis dies when his oak barrel is caught behind the Horseshoe Falls for 16 hours. Years later a man in Reading, Ma. is killed by his wife when she finds out that he spent 16 hours at the Horseshoe Lounge.

July 15, 1961--William Fitzgerald goes over in a rubber and steel ball he uses for the feat and calls it the "Plunge-O-Sphere." Jean Lussier sues him for copyright infringement and receives the proceeds from the vast sales of Plunge-O-Spheres.

Oct. 5, 1985--Dave Munday goes over in a barrel consisting of a 400 gallon plastic tank surrounded by foam. Munday explains that he performed the stunt because he's never been surrounded by women.

Sept. 28, 1989--Peter DeBernardi and Jeff Petkovich are the first two-person team to go over in a barrel. DeBernardi complains that Petkovich hogs most of the barrel.

June 5, 1990--Jesse "Not Too" Sharp plunges to his death while attempting the stunt in a 12-foot kayak.

Sept. 26, 1993--Using a converted diving bell, Dave Munday becomes the first person to successfully ride over the falls twice. The Munday family begins searching for therapists.

Oct. 1, 1995--Robert "Firecracker" (his real nickname) Overacker (his real last name) dies while trying to go over the falls on a Jet Ski. Mr. Overacker's family explains that he was heavily influenced by Fonzie's water ski jump over a shark on "Happy Days."

Niagara falls has long been known as a place for newly married couples to go on their honeymoon.

There something about Niagara Falls that seems to make people want to plunge to their possible death---or is it something about marriage?

Posted by dmargarita at 3:14 PM

October 14, 2003

Glass Houses

Rush Limbaugh may have learned an oft recited lesson recently. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones---or empty prescription bottles.

The conservative talk show host recently admitted that he had an addiction to pain killers after much media speculation that he was under investigation by the authorities. The story was broken by "The National Enquirer," which held the story for two years before publishing it. Now if they'll only release the true story regarding Elvis' whereabouts...

According to the Enquirer (I never thought I'd be saying that), Limbaugh used his housekeeper, Wilma Cline (a name suspiciously similar to Wilhelm Klink), as a go between with his supplier. Limbaugh allegedly would give Cline a cigar box filled with cash and Cline would return with a cigar box filled with pills. If the police hadn't caught onto him, his connection would probably have eventually been derailed when Florida becomes a non-smoking state.

The irony is that Mr. Limbaugh and his conservative cohorts want America to live a kind of "Brady Bunch" kind of life, but Alice the maid never had to score downers for Mike Brady.

I don't wish Mr. Limbaugh ill, although I don't personally agree with him or like him for that matter. There are people I like but disagree with politically, and there are people that I agree with politically but dislike. I neither like nor agree with Rush Limbaugh.

Sadly, his racist, homophobic, mean-spirited and hate-filled rantings have made him enormously popular, not to mention extremely wealthy. Here are just a few of Limbaugh's quotes:

Speculating on why a Mexican national won the New York marathon: "An immigration agent chased him for the last 10 miles."

"When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it's an invitation."

"Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the media."

"One of the things I want to do before I die is conduct the Homeless Olympics...[Events would include] the 10-meter Shopping Cart Relay, the Dumpster Dig, and the Hop, Skip and Trip."

What makes his drug addiction confession so hypocritical is the fact that in the past he has advocated on his radio show that white people who use drugs "ought to be sent up." Still believe in that, Rush?

Limbaugh is getting support from his brethren. Conservative moralist Gary Bauer, best remembered for his run for president...OK, he's best remembered for falling backwards off a stage during a pancake flip-off while running for president, spoke out on Limbaugh's behalf.

Bauer claimed that there's a difference "between people who go out and seek a high and get addicted and the millions of Americans dealing with pain who inadvertently get addicted." Then there are people who send their maid out to get them a high. I guess emotional pain doesn't count in Bauer's book.

It's been a tough stretch for Rush. His drug addiction admission comes on the heels of his resignation as a football analyst commentator for ESPN after stating on the air that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was not as good as the media perceived because "the media has been very desirous to see a black quarterback do well."

Come on, Rush. Couldn't you have just said he was overrated?

What were you smoking?

Posted by dmargarita at 7:04 PM

October 6, 2003

The Odd Threesome

I like animals. A lot of people like animals. The question isn't "Can I take care of a pet?" or "What kind of pet should I get?" The question is "Can a man, a tiger and an alligator share an apartment without the man being eaten?"

A week after a gorilla named Little Joe escaped from the Franklin Park Zoo, the bizarre story of this past week involved a New York City man, Antoine Yates, who went to the hospital with what he claimed were bites from his pit bull. Doctors at Harlem Hospital, apparently trained to know the difference between a dog bite and a tiger bite (I believe that's covered in the third year of med school), became suspicious and called the police. Mr. Yates, possibly assuming that the doctors in Philadelphia aren't as well trained and are unfamiliar with large cat bites, checked himself out of Harlem Hospital and fled to Philly's University of Pennsylvania Medical Center. Police arrived at Mr. Yates' apartment and discovered not only a Bengal tiger, but a caiman, a type of alligator, residing there. Tigers and 'gators and apes, oh my!

Mr. Yates was arrested in Philadelphia and as of this writing has yet to explain publicly why he feels that he needs a tiger and an alligator in his apartment. Granted, many people living in the city feel they need a guard dog for security, but I think Mr. Yates took it a little overboard. On the other hand, I seriously doubt that his apartment has EVER been robbed.

The tiger was apparently in good condition, having been fed a steady diet of rats. Perhaps that is Mr. Yates' reason for the presence of the beast---pest control.

According to a New York Times story, a neighbor had "complained of large amounts of urine and a strong smell coming through the ceiling." Perhaps the neighbor thought Mr. Yates merely had an embarrassing bladder condition. I guess they don't make "Depends" for tigers, but even if they did, who's going to try to put them on him?

I doubt that Yates' apartment was all that spacious, and even a large apartment is probably not as roomy as the worst zoo enclave. So how did the tiger get his exercise? I mean, other than mauling his keeper?

Mr. Yates probably didn't take him out for a walk in Central Park (certainly not without a very large "pooper scooper").Granted, New Yorkers have seen a lot of stuff, but even in Gotham City the sight of a man walking a tiger would probably draw some attention.

The tiger was tranquillized and removed from Yates' apartment along with the alligator and hopefully a bag of "Tiger Chow." The cat is currently being held at the Center for Animal Care and Control and will be sent to a conservancy somewhere in Ohio. Since it's a Bengal tiger, the conservancy is probably in Cincinnati.

One can understand why someone would have a tiger if that is part of their profession.

Roy Horn, one half of the legendary illusionist act Siegfried & Roy, was attacked by one of his pet white tigers last week. I'm sure the thoughts and prayers of all the residents of Margaritaville are with Mr. Horn who, along with Siegfried have helped preserve the exotic white tiger in his natural habitat...Las Vegas.

No one knows what set the animal off. Perhaps being forced to sit in a chair at the crack of a whip didn't appeal to him at that moment, although it's always worked on me. To be fair, Siegfried & Roy have helped breed the rare animals and preserve them in a sanctuary where viewing them didn't require a two-drink minimum.

Simply put, wild animals weren't meant to be house pets. I could understand someone's fascination with the tigers because they're beautiful animals, or in the words of Tony the Tiger, "They're Grrrreat!"

Posted by dmargarita at 1:07 PM

September 29, 2003

Going Ape

You may not have to go out to see any remake of the movie "Planet of the Apes" because it might just come to you.

One day after the Boston Globe featured a story about the problem of gorillas escaping from various wildlife sanctuaries, a 300-pound gorilla named Little Joe bolted for the second time in two months from the Franklin Park Zoo and cut a 2-year old and bit a zoo worker. Zookeepers say that Little Joe posed less of a threat to humans than Hoss or Adam would have (a "Bonanza" reference that few people under 35 will get unless they're "TV Land" addicts).

In his most recent adventure, Little Joe made it off the zoo premises and into the surrounding neighborhood, with one resident claiming to have seen Little Joe at a bus stop. Little Joe, perhaps lacking "exact change," then wandered to a nearby wooded area, where he was captured with the help of four tranquilizer darts---the same number it used to take to bring down Dan Blocker.

Some zoo workers took refuge in a ticket booth where Little Joe menaced them by banging on the booth and pressing his face up against the glass. The workers said they often deal with such behavior before pointing out that the sign says suggested donation.

Little Joe may have escaped in the same manner as he had previously when his long arms and lean body enabled him to scale the moat and a wall designed to separate him from the general public, which zoo officials apparently didn't make sufficient effort to remedy.

The Globe piece states that "young males can start to become a problem between the ages of 10 and 19 when they start to become more interested in females." And to think that creationists don't believe that humans are related to apes. The gorillas also tend to pay less attention in school and play their music loudly.

The article goes on to quote Victor Camp of Minnesota's Como Zoo, or Victor Como of Minnesota's Camp Zoo, I'm not sure which is which, as comparing the problem to the "bar male syndrome." That is when guys are getting along fine in a bar until the women arrive and the males begin "strutting their stuff." Camp also notes that the gorillas love to play "pull my finger" and argue "tastes great" versus "less filling."

This is somewhat ironic considering that my Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary opens the definition of "gorilla" with (and I'm not making this up) "deriv. of Gk Gorillai, believed to be the name of an alleged African tribe of hairy women." A tribe of hairy women in a bar are probably the last ones that a bunch of guys will hit on.

Little Joe's escapes are by no means the first. A male gorilla named Hercules escaped from the Dallas Zoo in 1998 and bit a zookeeper before dragging her down a hallway. Of course, any self-respecting gorilla would've carried her to the top of the highest building.

The Franklin Park Zoo had attempted to deal with the increasingly aggressive gorillas a few years ago by giving them antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. That proved to be ineffective and the zoo is considering psychotherapy.

Let's hope the Franklin Park Zoo gets its act together and starts keeping the wild animals IN the zoo.

Two citizens have been injured and no doubt a lawsuit will be pending. It's pretty easy to imagine what the plaintiff's testimony will be:

YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Posted by dmargarita at 10:37 PM

September 21, 2003

A Latte Taxes

It was a battle between Dr. Seuss and Mr. Coffee and Mr. Coffee won.

Seattle residents recently voted overwhelmingly to defeat an initiative that would've added ten cents to espresso drinks in the city which would fund pre-kindergarten programs. This proved to be quite a kick to Barney the Dinosaur's groin.

"I love you, you hate me, you want your caffeine drinks tax-free."

Seattle has become famous for it's coffee, particularly since the city is responsible for infesting the rest of the world with "Starbucks" franchises. As the city known for it's coffee drinking, one wonders when they ever sleep, giving new meaning to the phrase "Sleepless in Seattle." Capitalism pits markets forces against each other and the competition is supposed give consumers a choice to choose between brands. If you don't want to pay the prices at Starbucks, you can always go across the street to...another Starbucks.

Some Seattleites (Seattletonians?) say that they're not against funding education, they just think adding a tax for espresso drinkers is unfair. "Discrimination" was the charge from some quarters, that those mid-to-upper income types willing to shovel out nearly $4 for a cup of coffee, shouldn't have to shell out $4.10 for a mocha latte even if it means educating a child. This is hardly the kind of discrimination that will necessitate a chorus of "We Shall Overcome." Some locals did protest, though. A group of folks reenacted the Boston Tea Party by dressing up as Colonial Americans and dumping coffee into Green Lake, missing the fact that the Colonists dressed as Indians when they committed that act and were protesting a tax that was already implemented without any input on their part. Hence the phrase "No taxation without representation" which was not the case in Seattle. They had one thing in common with the Colonists, though----the chance to dress up in costume and pollute the water.

Of course, seldom do prices for anything ever go down in this country. When Starbucks raises the price of a large espresso to $4.10 people in Seattle may grumble but will likely pay it---as long as it doesn't go to fund a child's education.

Naturally, the Starbucks corporation funded opposition to the measure. In fact some Starbucks employees and regular customers were probably up all night pacing the floor while working on the campaign against the tax drive. The corporation contributed $50,000 to create an organization called Joined in Opposition to the Latte Tax (JOLT) to fight against the measure. Other potential names for this group included Joined in Undermining Making Payments to Youths (JUMPY) and Not Everyone Really Voices Opposition Unless Stressed (NERVOUS).

The opposition missed an opportunity to create a rival organization such as Really, Everyone Loves A Xenophile Enjoying Decaf (RELAXED). You have no idea how hard it was to come up with a viable "x" word that didn't involve the table of elements.

People who are addicted to coffee tend to be protective of their beverage. They'll climb the highest mountain for a cup of their favorite java and another ten cents to fund education doesn't sound unreasonable to me, but then I'm not the one paying it.

To research this piece I went and got a large Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks for $3.90. It was very good, I must say, but in the long run proved to be irrelevant to anything I had to write here. So now I'm out $6.50 for the latte and a cinnamon scone and I probably won't be able to sleep for two days.

Hopefully the people who voted against a ten cent tax to fund children's education in Seattle will be able to sleep at night.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:00 PM

September 15, 2003

Boxed In

I like to travel. I'm thinking of going somewhere soon, but I just can't decide how big of a crate to ship myself in.

You've probably heard about Charles McKinley, a 25 year old man who shipped himself in a crate via air cargo from New York City to his father's house in a suburb of Dallas, Texas. I guess that traveling in a crate by train from New York to Dallas would've been inconvenient.

With the help of a co-worker, Mr. McKinley decided to save a few bucks on air fare by packing himself into a crate and marking it "computer and clothes" and sending it on a Kitty Hawk Cargo plane. This was not completely inaccurate as McKinley did bring his computer with him and he was wearing clothes. Mr. McKinley explained on the "Today" show that he was short of cash and was not in the crate because he was a really bad mime who took the "trapped in a box" bit too literally.

No news reports mention if McKinley was aware that there were stops in Buffalo and Ft. Wayne involving a plane change. The downside of being a stowaway in a crate is that it's tough to belly up to the lounge bar in a large wooden box and order a drink during a layover.

According to the Associated Press, McKinley stuck his employer with the estimated $550-$650 bill. The AP report quotes a Pilot Air Freight executive as saying that at that rate "he could've flown first class." As cargo trips go, that was first class. Mr. McKinley was lucky or smart enough to have picked a flight that had his crate transported in a heated, pressurized compartment. Had he been in a non-pressurized compartment...well, let's just say that he would've arrived in a vastly different state, and I'm not referring to Texas.

McKinley made the trip undetected until the delivery driver dropping the crate off at McKinley's parent's house noticed a pair of eyes staring back at him from inside the crate. That in itself would be freaky enough, but to the driver's dismay there was a live body attached to them. McKinley then kicked out the side of the crate and crawled out, much like a scene from the movie "Alien" or at least the Marx Brother's "Monkey Business."

The driver contacted the police who have detained McKinley on outstanding warrants for check theft and traffic violations. Apparently, authorities are still trying to determine if shipping yourself in a crate is against the law.

If it's not against the law, this could be a bonanza for the ailing airline industry, which is always looking to cut costs and attract business. Instead of trying to get more from business class flights, the airlines could appeal to the working class with "cargo flights."

Of course there would be different levels of cargo flights. Perhaps a padded crate for those in first-class cargo. Entertainment shouldn't be skimped on. Perhaps an in-flight movie such as "Castaway" or some music such as Simon and Garfunkle's "The Boxer" could be provided.

Since we've just passed the Sept. 11 anniversary, and at a time when airline security is supposed to be heightened, it's a little discomforting to know that cargo air freight security is so lax.

As for Mr. McKinley, I'm actually inclined to a little feel sorry for him and would even consider sending him a present to help him out.

Of course it would probably something from "Crate & Barrel."

Posted by dmargarita at 6:28 PM

September 8, 2003

Day Tripper

Author Thomas Wolfe once wrote a novel called "You Can't Go Home Again." This certainly appears to be true if you're attempted presidential assassin John Hinckley Jr., unless they are hospital supervised visits.

In 1981 Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan and three others in an attempt to impress actress Jodie Foster. Hinckley was found to be not guilty by reason of insanity and has spent the past 21 years at St. Elizabeth's Hospital while Foster has gone on to become a successful actress and director as well as a single mom. Gee, they seemed so right for each other.

Hinckley has been in the news lately because his lawyers are requesting that he be allowed ten unsupervised visits to his parents house. He has been taking supervised day trips to his parents since 1999 and now his attorneys argue that he is no longer a threat to anyone and should be allowed five daylong and five overnight stays without someone standing nearby with a syringe and a straightjacket.

Heck, if that goes well, perhaps he can contribute to society by becoming a Boy Scout leader.

The would-be assassin had made several previous attempts to gain his release but was denied on various occasions because he was found to have numerous pictures of Foster in his room, and for having corresponded with serial killer Ted Bundy and Lynette "Squeaky "Fromme, who had attempted to assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975. I guess if you're a would-be presidential assassin, your ability to find someone you have something in common with is limited.

According to a Washington Post report, Hinckley's lawyers cite statements from five doctors that if released, Hinckley would not pose a danger to himself or others. The doctors were not identified, so for all we know they could be a dentist, a podiatrist, a doctor of philosophy, Dr. Who and Dr. J. The USA Today states that Hinckley initially made this request three years ago, but was denied a hearing when prosecutors said that he still had a "continued interest in violently themed books and music." If that's the standard for insanity, they might as well lock up a good portion of high school students across the country.

"The legal standard is Mr. Hinckley must be released if he is no longer a danger to himself or others" said Hinckley's lawyer, Barry Levine.

Extrapolating that logic, if he's not a threat to himself or others, he should be released completely. Of course he would have to eventually work his way back into society. Hinckley would soon find out that the job market has changed since 1981. Many companies now do random drug testing as well as psychological profiles on prospective employees. I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that interview.

"OK, Mr. Hinckley. I'm going to show you some inkblots and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Here's the first one. What do you see?"

"Jodie Foster."

"How about this one?"

"Jodie Foster."

"And this?"

"Jodie Foster."

"What about this one?"

"Tatum O'Neal."

It's not as though employers aren't going to know who he is and even if they don't, most companies are supposed to check references. I don't imagine that Hinckley's been able to cultivate a lot of good references in the past 21 years, unless you count Mark David Chapman, Sirhan Sirhan and Charles Manson.

The government is opposed to this move even though two of their own psychiatrists examined Hinckley and agreed that with medication, Hinckley's psychotic and depressive disorders are in remission and he is not violent and dangerous as long as they "just keep the nut away from me." Of course doctors have been known to be wrong. A misdiagnosed inflamed appendix might prove fatal to a patient, but a misdiagnosed psychotic disorder could be fatal to others. Well, I guess if your driving a bus full of people when your appendix burst, it could prove fatal to others.

There's no reason Hinckley couldn't capitalize on his fame upon his release. After all, the man has to make a living somehow and advertisers don't seem to have many scruples if it means selling a product. Perhaps it would only be a matter of time before we see this commercial:

"Hey John Hinckley, you've just been deemed unthreatening to society and have been released from a mental institution. What do you plan to do now?"

"I'm going to Disneyworld!"

Hopefully his hearing has been tested and is OK, because the last thing anybody wants to hear John Hinckley say is "Are you talkin' to me?"

Posted by dmargarita at 2:41 PM

September 1, 2003

A kiss is just a kiss

Here's a shocker for you all---Madonna has done something shocking.

My saying this is the equivalent of Claude Rains' Capt. Renault character's reaction in the classic movie Casablanca after being ordered to shut down Humphrey Bogart's cafe for gambling.

"Why Rick, I'm shocked! Shocked! There's gambling going on here!" he disingenuously tells Bogart's "Rick."

Then Bogart's croupier proceeds to hand Capt. Renault a fistful of cash.

"Here are your winnings, Capt. Renault."

Without blinking, Rains says "Thank you" and then pockets the cash and walks off.

Madonna has built an entire career on doing one shocking thing after another. Last week at the MTV video awards, the pop diva joined teen pop idols Christina Aguilera and Brittany Spears on stage to perform a rendition of her first hit Like a Virgin. During the song, The Material Girl provocatively planted a kiss on both young women, in a manner that was very un-like a virgin.

The camera immediately switched to a stunned Justin Timberlake, the former beau of Spears, who was either shocked by the moment or titillated.

Aguilera and Spears are both former Mouseketeers, which would've made for an interesting parody if the three of them rushed onstage Mouseketeer style and gleefully introduced themselves.

"Sleazy!"

"Trashy!"

"Horny!"

There really isn't too much further Madonna can go. She produced a book called Sex several years ago, which featured a picture of her hitchhiking in the nude, something that the authorities generally advise against. Unless she performs at one of these MTV gigs in the nude or consummates her marriage on camera, she's got nowhere else to go and frankly, anything she does has become blase.

Where does the line get drawn? At one time the antics of Elvis seemed shocking. Every once in a while the culture gets shocked by something and suddenly Elvis' gyrations seem pretty tame. Twenty years from now will Howard Stern and Marilyn Manson seem tame? What will the bar be then? Live executions during a concert?

As for poor Timberlake, he railed against winning three awards since one of them came at the expense of Johnny Cash, a sentimental crowd favorite, though personally I've always thought he sounded like John Wayne trying to sing.

"This is a travesty! I demand a recount!" said the boy band singer.

"My grandfather raised me on Johnny Cash" added Timberlake (I would've guessed that his grandfather raised him on David Cassidy).

I think Johnny Cash's grandfather raised him on Jack Daniels, which may explain why he sings like John Wayne.

Another highlight of the evening was the band Duran Duran winning a lifetime achievement award. For those unfamiliar with the group, they were an MTV video favorite in the early/mid eighties, which puts their ages somewhere from their early-to-mid forties. I guess this makes them old in the music business, but considering the recent passing of the 100 year old Bob Hope, they still seem like they might have a ways to go. So, this is kind of like Macauley Culkin winning a lifetime achievement award at the Oscar's.

Among the other winners for the night were 50 Cent and Beyonce Knowles. The former I've never heard of, and the latter I only know because she was in the last Austin Powers movie, which means I'm getting old and starting to feel "like a geezer."

Posted by dmargarita at 4:24 PM

August 17, 2003

In the news...

During this sweltering August stretch, reading newspapers tend to take a bit of work and get ink on your fingers. I've condensed this past week's events for you, so now let's take a look back on the week and see what items of interest are in the news...

More than two dozen Lowell teachers flunked a state-mandated English fluency test last week. One teacher explained that the problem was that he was "good not at taking tests."

This follows the recent embarrassment of a Lawrence superintendent Wilfredo T. Laboy, who failed the test three times. As a result, Mr. Laboy will not be allowed to retire with the rest of the superintendents.

A 91 year-old man, J.L. Hunter Roundtree, was charged with bank robbery in Abilene, TX. This is Roundtree's third arrest for bank robbery. As a "three time loser" Mr. Roundtree could receive a life sentence, or as it's known in the Roundtree household "the next few weeks."

A toy company, Blue Box Toys, announced that it will be coming out with a G.I. Joe-style action figure of President Bush as he appeared when he landed on the deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln in May. The company says the doll will include realistic features such as the flight suit Bush wore as well as the helmet, oxygen mask and the inability to pronounce the word "nuclear." In keeping with it's sense of realism, the doll will also avoid combat before going AWOL for several months. Former President Clinton was alleged to have kept a doll in the Oval Office, however that doll was said to be inflatable. The company, which promotes American hero action figures, is based in Hong Kong.

Much of North America was plunged into darkness when a massive power failure resulted in a blackout in large parts of the U.S. and Canada. Former Clinton Energy Secretary Bill Richardson described America as being "a superpower with a third-world grid." A spokesman for the third world responded by saying "There's two other worlds?" New York City leaders noted with great pride that the Big Apple suffered little crime or looting during the blackout. One would-be looter explained "I tried looting, but in the darkness I wound up stealing my own furniture."

SPORTS:

Rafael Palmeiro, designated hitter for the Texas Rangers baseball team, has invoked a no-trade clause in his contract that would've sent him from the last place Rangers to the division-contending Chicago Cubs. Palmeiro, also a spokesman for Viagra, explained the decision by saying that "My doctor says it's not right for me." Palmiero's decision has puzzled many in baseball who can't understand why Palmiero would block a trade that would give him quite a rise in the standings.

Sports Illustrated reports that Red Sox legend Ted Williams has had his head surgically removed from his body and frozen separately in liquid nitrogen at the Alcor facility in Arizona, surgery being the preferred method of having one's head separated from one's body. The head which reportedly has suffered several cracks, has been shaved and drilled with two holes. According to SI the company claims that it is owed $111,000 by Williams' son, John-Henry, and has begun legal proceedings to receive the balance of payment. A dispirited John-Henry Williams said "I need this lawsuit like I need a...oops."

Well, I don't have ink on my hands, but now I have to go wash the smell of that last story off of my hands.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:19 PM

August 11, 2003

California Dreamin'

What do you get when you put a movie action hero, a diminutive former child star, a noted pornographer, a comedian and a porn actress together in one room? Normally, I'd say the ingredients for a "Saturday Night Live" sketch. In fact though, that's a partial pool of candidates for the race for the California gubernatorial seat.

People often ask me where I get the ideas for my columns. I tell them that all I have to do is pick up a newspaper. Long before I came along, the great humorist Will Rogers said "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." At least in this case, California.

The current occupant of that position, Gray Davis, is in jeopardy of losing that job due to a recall effort financed by Republican Darrell Issa, a man once charged with felony auto theft who went on to make a fortune developing the car alarm. Well, I guess it takes a thief to catch a thief.

The state has been beleaguered by financial problems the last few years brought on initially in part by the Enron inspired energy crisis (boy, deregulation continues to work out well in every industry, doesn't it?) as well as the general downturn in the economy.

As a result, Californians will be asked to decide if they should boot Davis from office and if so, to choose a replacement for him. You wouldn't believe the choices if you didn't read them in the newspapers. Folks, I'm not imaginative enough to make up this list of candidates. There are well over 100 people filing papers to fill the seat. The ones mentioned here are perhaps the most notable. Frightenening...

The leading candidate, which if you haven't been living on a deserted island, is actor Arnold Schwarzenegger (my spell-check just had a nervous breakdown). Arnold, like everyone, has his share of baggage. His physique as a young man probably wasn't the result of just eating Wheaties and his father was a Nazi. In Hollywood those are lesser sins than having a bad opening weekend at the box office for your film.

Then there's the watermelon-smashing comedian, Gallagher. Well, the state's already a financial mess. Might as well make it a sticky one.

Among the other choices is former child actor Gary Coleman, from the TV show "Diff'rent Strokes." Of course sound bites and one-liners pop up in every political debate, if they have one. How much do you want to bet that at some point Coleman will respond to Arnold with "What 'choo talkin' 'bout, Arnold?" I guess governor would be a good career move for Coleman who at one point had been working as a security guard.

Next, let's move on to pornographer Larry Flynt. The man publishes "Hustler Magazine," which features raunchy photos of naked people performing all sorts of sex acts... at least that's what I've heard.

Politics seems to attract a lot of people from the porn industry (by the way, when did "porno" become "porn?"). A 22-year- old porn actress has thrown her hat, as well as her garter, bra and panties into the ring.

Candidate/actress Mary Carey has a unique fiscal plan. She claims they can eliminate the deficit by imposing a tax on breast implants. Yes, in California that really could cut the deficit. She also has a plan to swap guns for x-rated movies to reduce violence. I'm not sure of Ms. Carey's party affiliation. I'm guessing either socialist or social diseaseist.

Politics can get very nasty. Opponents will try to dig up dirt on each other to publicly humiliate the other person. What can you possibly dig up on a porn star that would embarrass her? That she fakes it?

Gray Davis might be a lousy governor, but he shouldn't be blamed for an economic slowdown that was at least partly caused by energy industry types that are associated with the opposing party. The voters of California should vote no to this "re-write."

As for me, I harbor no political ambitions.

I just want to direct.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:36 AM

July 28, 2003

Goodnight, Uday

Having done a recent tribute to Bob Hope on his 100th birthday ("There's Still Hope"), I've decided forgo another tribute upon his timely (come on, he was 100) death.

Instead, the death of two other notable characters has been making headlines all over the globe lately. Last week the U.S. claimed that it has killed the infamous sons of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, Uday and Qusay. Uday (which in Arabic translates to "homicidal maniac) and Qusay ("quieter, homicidal maniac"), like their father, had been in hiding since the U.S. invasion in March.

Uday, the elder brother, is the more notorious of the two. He was in charge of the Iraqi Olympic Committee and was known to torture athletes who performed poorly, giving new meaning to the phrase "the agony of defeat."

He is said to have been the most despised man in Iraq, and two assassination attempts don't exactly dispel that notion. In my opinion, if people are repeatedly trying to kill you, you might want to try and interpret that as a message that you have "personality" issues.

Qusay, the "Billy Ripken" or "Frank Stallone" of the brothers, had numerous duties including being in charge of security forces. Ever the inventive bureaucrat, Qusay found an ingenious way to save taxpayer money when prison overcrowding became an issue by executing prisoners. That kind of makes Kentucky's release of prisoners for the same reason seem a little lame.

One can only wonder what kind of upbringing formed the twisted minds of the Hussein brothers. Their household hardly strikes me as a 1950's idyllic TV sitcom. That would've made an interesting show, however.

Da dum da da-da da dum da dum da da-da-da dum da dum....

"Once again folks it's 'Leave it to Uday.'"

"Boy, Qusay...Dad's gonna holler at you! Then he'll probably have you killed."

You've been getting a lot of information on the duo, but it seems incomplete, thus I've decided to do a little profile. Here now is D & M's Biography: The Hussein Brothers.

Uday Hussein: Hobbies include, torture, murder, rape, blackmail and long walks on the beach.

Qusay Hussein: Hobbies include, blackmail, rape, murder, torture and country line dancing.

Significant events in their life.

1976---During a the seventh inning of a Little League game, Uday, who normally pitches (Little League rules allow six innings per week. Even the Hussein's didn't want to mess with the folks in Williamsport, Pa.) is irate at the child replacing him on the mound when the child walks in the winning run for the other team. Uday has him killed.

1983---Uday goes to his senior prom. His date dances with another boy. Uday has them killed.

1992---A man on the street asks Uday for the time of day. Uday has him killed.

1977---Qusay accidentally kicks a ball through a neighbor's window. Saddam offers to pay for the window before having the neighbor killed.

How many races do you think they lost at the Father-Son school picnics? Not too many, I'd wager. Nor do I doubt that too many other parents complained to Saddam about the coach's son always getting to pitch in Little League.

Uday and Qusay are probably on their way to ELL-HAY, and that's OK with me.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:43 PM

July 21, 2003

The Naked Prey

I guess I can file this story under “I can think of other things that I’d rather do with a naked woman.”

Several news outlets have recently reported that a Las Vegas company has developed a game in which men can pay $10,000 to shoot paintballs at naked women.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against naked women (insert your own punchline here). I’d like to say that some of my best friends are naked women, but that would both be inaccurate and logistically unfeasible. Although, I guess Hugh Heffner could make that claim.

Real Men Outdoor Productions has supposedly developed a game called “Hunting for Bambi,” which you’ve likely guessed by now doesn’t involve blowing the head off of a cute, cartoon Disney character. The game features Vegas showgirls, clad only in sneakers, who are the target for paintball gun-wielding men that, according to some reports, have the option of having sex with their prey after the “hunt.” I imagine this is more tempting than if one were hunting grizzly bears.

For their troubles, the women are paid $1,000 to participate, and those that successfully avoid their predators receive $2,500. No mention was made if this includes a dental plan.

“Paintball” originally began as an attempt to simulate a real war experience without the danger of actually getting killed. Eventually it became a male-bonding experience that fudged battlefield simulations. I doubt that even in the drug influenced, Doors era of Vietnam that soldiers brought a keg of beer with them while out on maneuvers in the jungle.

Naturally, women’s organizations are up in (clothed) arms. A spokeswoman for The National Organization for Women, Rita Haley, told the N.Y. Post that “It’s appalling, and it’s really frightening” as a pellet of crimson whizzed by her head.

There have been no reports of pickets, but I imagine that if the woman participants decided to stage a public protest they could draw quite a crowd.

Women have fought long and hard to be viewed as something other than sex objects, but the battle hasn’t always been successful. A few years back some radio d.j.’s began a campaign that they called “Whip ‘em Out Wednesday.” The idea was that on any given Wednesday any woman seeing a vehicle sporting one of the radio station’s “W.O.W.” bumper stickers, was supposed to immediately bare her breasts to the driver.

Again, don’t get me wrong. If a woman wants to show me her breasts, I’m more than happy to view them, but only if that’s her desire. The notion that a woman must show her breasts on command is atrocious.

“We are not about degrading women” says a “Bambi” spokesman in the Post article, adding “Nobody’s being arm-twisted.” Arm-twisting will probably cost an extra $1,000.

It seems like a huge step backward. We’ve gone from HBO’s woman-empowering “Sex in the City” to the degrading “Sex in the Shrubbery.”

There has been some suggestion that this is a hoax, and a gander at their website (which I won’t aid in promoting) shows some things that seem too far-fetched to be believed. On the other hand, there’s not too much that I wouldn’t believe these days.

And to think, Elmer Fudd was content to merely hunt “wabbits.”

Posted by dmargarita at 11:32 AM

July 7, 2003

Fourth of July Misery

As most of you know, America turned 227 years old this week. Let's face it, she doesn't look a day over 210.

Among the usual rituals, one was the constant stream of information we received about the founding of the country. I have to admit that there was one bit of info that I learned which surprised me. The pseudo-anthem "America the Beautiful" was written by Kathy Bates. Yup, you read that right.

OK, it wasn't written by the Academy Award winning actress, but by a woman named Katherine Lee Bates. Still, she might have been known to some of her friends as Kathy Bates.

Among other things, Miss Bates was a professor at Wellesley College and lived in Falmouth, Mass. and penned the original version in 1893. She re-wrote it in 1904 and produced her final version in 1913. Perhaps this is where Eric Clapton got the idea to keep remaking his old hits.

You probably also didn't know that there are eight verses to it. Don't feel badly if you don't know them. It's kind of like the second line of the Christmas carol "Good King Wenceslas." Everybody sings "Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephan" and then starts mumbling the rest, hoping that everyone else knows the song.

Kathy Bates (the actress) first gained wide acclaim in her Oscar winning role as "Annie" in the movie "Misery." In the film she plays a nurse who rescues a famous novelist from a car crash. To the novelist's horror, she holds him hostage and torments him until he rewrites a novel to her liking (please don't get any ideas, people).

I couldn't help make a connection between the two Kathy Bates' here. What if such a person had existed in 1776 and was a devoted fan of that American man of letters, the author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson?

The scene is winter. It's snowing and Jefferson is taking a carriage ride to Philadelphia to begin work on the historical document. The snow is blinding and while trying to negotiate a turn, Jefferson's carriage loses a wheel and overturns.

Awakening from a deep slumber, he sees the person of Kathy Bates standing over him. Feeling intense pain throughout his body, he inquires as to how he got there. Kathy explains the accident and then gushes to Mr. Jefferson that she's a big fan of his.

"I just loved the Virginia Constitution that you wrote."

"Thanks" replied the Founding Father.

"What are you working on now?" asks his nursemaid.

"I was heading to Philadelphia. We're going to write a Declaration of Independence from Great Britain" explained Jefferson.

Kathy grew uneasy. She had long been a Tory supporter.

"That's not how you're going to write it" she menacingly informed him.

A cold shiver ran down Jefferson's spine.

"What do you mean?"

"Look, I'm against independence. You're going to change it to a Declaration of Dependence" she informed him.

Jefferson resisted. Kathy knew she had her work cut out for her. She took a small wooden board and placed it between the bed-ridden man's feet.

"Kathy, whatever you're planning on doing, please don't" Jefferson begged.

Unfortunately, I haven't seen the movie and that's all I know from the trailers so I'm at a loss as to where to go from here. Perhaps I could make a Sally Hemmings reference? Fortunately, I don't have as disturbed a mind as Stephen King so I can't imagine what happens next...which should be a great relief to the people around me.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:07 PM

June 30, 2003

Guess Who's Going to Heaven

First, renowned segregationist Lester Maddox died. Then, one-time segregationist Strom Thurmond died. Knowing that these things are supposed to happen in three's, I awaited the next segregationist death. Who knew that Katherine Hepburn was a segregationist?

Actually, it was quite the contrary. As a child she helped her progressive parents campaign for civil rights and voting rights for women long before Maddox or Thurmond publicly uttered a sentence about "race mixing."

It's ironic that her death would complete this trio of celebrity deaths since she won an Oscar for her performance in "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner," a film in which she plays a progressive woman whose commitment to civil rights is tested when her daughter brings home her fiance, who turns out to be black. One can only imagine the reaction if Maddox' or Thurmond's daughter did such a thing. It would probably wind up as "guess who's getting lynched."

Now that they are all departed, those who believe in an afterlife may have an opinion on which direction each may be headed, so in keeping with this country's fascination with reality TV game shows let's play "Guess Who's Going to Heaven."

Maddox gained fame in 1964 the day after President Lyndon Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act when armed with a pistol and a pickax handle, he chased away black protesters who had sat down to eat in his restaurant. That's the kind of service that will severely cut down on a tip.

Rather than comply with the law and serve blacks, he closed the restaurant and later sold it. Had he lived a hundred years earlier, I suspect that he would've served blacks, or at least fed the ones that he owned.

The bet here is that Maddox will be taking the express train south.

Strom Thurmond was originally a Democrat but turned against President Truman after Truman had proposed an anti-lynching bill and an end to discrimination on trains and busses. In a time and a region where you might've seen a lynching on trains and busses, Thurmond decided to run against Truman as a States Rights or "Dixiecrat" candidate on a segregationist platform. The platform turned out to be termite infested and Truman won re-election.

Thurmond then made his entrance to the U.S. Senate as the only write-in candidate in history, and set a filibuster record of twenty four hours to protest President Eisenhower's Civil Rights Act that allowed the Justice Department to seek injunctions against local officials who denied citizens the right to vote.

Somehow that's not a speech I can imagine Jimmy Stewart making in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."

"Wh-wh-wh-what's going on here? Y-y-y-you can't just have a mixing of the races. Wh-wh-whites and coloreds aren't supposed to be together. Can't you see what happening? Potter isn't selling, Potter's buying! W-w-wait, that's the wrong movie parody. I'm supposed to be doing 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' and n-n-not 'It's a Wonderful Life.'"

In fairness, Thurmond became the first Southern senator to hire a black person for his staff and voted for the establishment of a Martin Luther King Jr. holiday. Whether it was a genuine change of heart or political expedience, who can say?

That's a pretty bad past, but if he had a genuine change of heart, he may be eligible for "purgatory."

As for Ms. Hepburn, her civil rights record is previously mentioned. The worst failing that I can discern is her legendary romance with Spender Tracy who, although separated from his wife, never divorced her.

While that would be classified as adultery, the fact that Tracy wouldn't divorce his wife at least assumes a sense of morality on his part. If anything, it was a sin born of love. Other than that, the most horrible offense I can come up with is her 1937 film "Quality Street." Apparently it wasn't a very good movie.

I'm guessing that she's headed in the opposite direction of Lester Maddox.

Of course it's not up to us to make these decisions as to who goes to Heaven, but if I were a betting man, my money wouldn't be on two guys who probably wouldn't watch a movie entitled "The African Queen."

Posted by dmargarita at 11:04 PM

June 16, 2003

Monkey Business

I'm almost afraid to pick up a newspaper these days. War, terrorism, starvation and death fill the pages. The world has never seemed in more dire straights. Fortunately, just when we thought we've had all the bad news that we can handle, there's one story that's come along to bring a smile to our faces. Yes, that ever so lovable disease------monkey pox!

I guess it's technically a serious situation. Though no one who has contracted it in the U.S. has died, it is a potentially fatal illness. Still, even if it were fatal, there would still be something funny about monkey pox.

Late night comics are having a field day with monkey pox jokes and I've come to realize that the basic reason is that monkeys, particularly chimpanzees, are funny.

They are often used for comic effect in TV commercials and movies. You never see a monkey get a serious acting role anymore.

In the '60's after the success of the Beatles, many rock groups took animal names such a The Byrds, The Turtles and even one group that decided to cover all species, The Animals. When some Hollywood TV execs conceived the idea of a sit-com about a rock band, the name they chose was "The Monkees."

It would have made their theme song a little more interesting.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street
Hope we won't be infecting
Everyone we meet
Hey, hey we've got Monkee pox
And people say we're scratching a lot
But we're not too contagious
You won't catch what we've got

Thus I've concluded that all the frightening things in life can be made to seem less so by simply attaching the word "monkey" to it.

Really, would the Bubonic Plague seem as scary if it had been called the "Bubonic Monkey Plague?" The disease was so feared that it acquired the name the "Black Death" in Europe. If only someone then had the foresight to call it the "Black Monkey Death."

Much of the news would be more tolerable if they talked about monkey war, monkey famine and monkey death. Actually, they’ve already started in that direction when they decided that certain military actions were "guerilla warfare."

History lessons would be different if you were studying "Monkey World War I," "Monkey World War II" or the "Cold Monkey War."

The disease has been around in other continents for some time and it is believed to have arrived here when a Chicago pet store owner imported a Gambian giant rat for a customer. It's sad that someone in America feels that we have an insufficient supply or quality of rat here in the U.S. and that we have to import a Gambian giant one to fill the void.

I guess the reason we find monkeys so entertaining is that they remind us so much of ourselves. We share about 98 percent of the same DNA as chimps so it's no surprise that we're so similar.

Now that I'm done writing I can do some much needed shopping. The first stop is the produce section so I can pick up some bananas.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:33 PM

June 9, 2003

The Odd Couple

Many of you in Stoneham may be aware that Neil Simon’s “The Odd Couple” is playing at the Stoneham Theatre. There’s been another “Odd Couple” of sorts in the news lately----Martha Stewart and Hillary Clinton. One is poised to go to prison, and the other, in the opinion of some, should probably already be there. I’ve tried to imagine that if they ever went to prison together it would beg the question “Can two despised women share a cell without driving each other crazy?”

Dee de-dee de-dee de-dee....

Stewart is on the verge of being “sent up the river” due to her alleged insider trading. Clinton was investigated for her work at Rose Law Firm that ironically, involved the Madison Guaranty Savings and Loan. It could only be more ironic if her work had involved the Unger Savings and Loan.

As for who would be who, I think that’s pretty easy to figure out. Martha would be the neat Felix Unger character, what with her constant cooking, cleaning and her remarkable ability to turn worthless household items into a useful tool. This would come in handy when she turns a bar of soap into a “shank.”

Actually, John Dillinger was years ahead of her when he escaped from jail by shaving a bar of soap into the shape of a gun and covering it with black shoe polish.

No doubt that Hillary would be the sloppy Oscar Madison, always making a mess by leaving Rose Law Firm billing records lying around.

I can see the two of them now. Hillary lying on her bunk with her N.Y. Yankees hat reading the Wall St. Journal and Martha in her neatly pressed prison denim shirt, dusting away.

Hillary’s bunk would have the blankets constantly disheveled while you could bounce a quarter off of Martha’s bunk.

Of course, they should be entitled to all the same privileges that all the other prisoners get. Hillary should be allowed her conjugal visits with her husband Bill. He might have to explain to her however, why he’s always “accidentally” winding up in the wrong cell.

“I feel your pain.”

If they were sent to Attica State Prison, this would be convenient for Bill who would only have to drive a couple of hours across the state to visit from Chappaqua.

Naturally their time spent during the exercise period would be vastly different. Hillary, who years ago showed a curious ability to make $100,000 on a $1,000 investment, would probably be hustling some of the other inmates in a poker game, while Martha would be off by herself in a corner doing isometrics.

Their escape attempts would differ. Martha would try to bribe the guards with a chocolate mousse desert topped with whipped cream and a cherry. Hillary would try to bribe some officials to get a pardon.

Perhaps they would get some outside help. Each of them might have someone bring a cake with a file in it. Martha would probably send it back to cook another five minutes and Hillary would claim she doesn’t know where the file is.

In another twenty years the two of them would be perfect to be cast in another Walter Matthau-Jack Lemmon related movie parody---“Grumpy Old Women.”

Posted by dmargarita at 4:49 PM

June 2, 2003

There's Still Hope

The year 1903 saw the birth of two influential forces of the twentieth century. One was aviation, courtesy of the Wright brothers, and the other was Bob Hope, courtesy of Bob's parents.

The legendary comedian turned 100 years old last week, although at 100 the only thing he entertains these days are notions and ideas. For those of us of a certain age, Hope was a constant presence on TV while we grew up.

He is perhaps most celebrated for his U.S.O. Tours in which he entertained millions of U.S. servicemen and women, many of whom would die in battle shortly thereafter. From World War II to Desert Storm, Hope made his way around the world to bring jokes and Hollywood starlets to "our fighting men." Frankly, I was hoping that after he was no longer to entertain troops, we would be no longer able to have wars.

It's hard to imagine a war without Hope, so I kind of wondered what it would be like if he had been there at our first war. So now I present to you "Bob Hope's Revolutionary War U.S.O. Tour."

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the Master of Mirth, the Colonial Kidder, Bob Hope.

BOB: Hi everyone, this is Bob "for Poor Richard's Almanac" Hope here. It's great to be here at Valley Forge. Valley Forge is an old Indian name...it means "we couldn't afford to go to Florida for the winter." I haven't seen this much snow since the Continental Congress talked George Washington into becoming the Commander-in-Chief of the Army. Originally, Gen. Washington planned to have you guys spend the winter in Miami but then he got better rates here in Valley Forge. I haven't seen anyone make such a bad decision about changing camps since Benedict Arnold. That's the difference between George Washington and Benedict Arnold. One's getting a city named after him and the other one got a breakfast named after him. Of course I'm talking about "Eggs Benedict"...or as they call them now in Philadelphia, "Freedom Eggs." I hear that last week the British sent Benedict Arnold out to the henhouse to get some eggs, but then he turned the henhouse over to a fox. It's rough here at Valley Forge. You can't even get basic oral hygiene products. The men can't get dental floss and Gen. Washington can't get sandpaper. Well we've got a great show for you. Right now I'd like to bring out a little lady who designed a flag for you folks, and when you see her you'll see why she's raised a lot of flags. Please welcome Betsy Ross.

(She enters to whistles and cheers)

BOB: I just want you boys to remember what it is your fighting for. Say Betsy, do you have much of a chance to follow current events?

BETSY: No Bob. I'm pretty wrapped up in the flag.

BOB: Yeah, that's pretty much how I like to imagine you. What made you think of stars and stripes for the flag design?

BETSY: Well, I've always loved stripes.

BOB: Do you love stars?

BETSY: C'mon Bob. You're not that famous.

BOB: Well that's all the time we've got. I'd like to finish off with a little song for you.
(sings) Thanks for the memories, for freezing off your butts
and having lots of guts, for standing up to old King George
whom we all know is nuts, thanks so much.

Good night everyone.

Happy birthday, Bob.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:29 PM

May 27, 2003

Golf Balls

She did it. Annika Sorenstam played in a men's golf tournament and low and behold the world didn't come to an end. As a matter of fact, the tournament hasn't even come to an end.

She seems to be hailed as the Jackie Robinson of golf, but it should be remembered that Babe Didrickson Zaharias played in a PGA event in 1945. So in reality she's more like the Larry Doby (the second black modern Major League baseball player) of professional golf. Actually, Robinson wasn't even the first black ballplayer. That honor is held by Moses "Fleet" Walker who played in 1884, so in reality even Jackie Robinson wasn't the Jackie Robinson of baseball. I guess being second would make Jackie Robinson the Larry Doby of baseball. I'm not sure whom that would make Larry Doby.

Of course I'm using the facts to my facetious benefit here. Walker and all other ballplayers of color were soon banned from organized baseball until Robinson reintegrated the game in 1947.

Some have criticized Sorenstam's entrance into the Colonial as a publicity stunt. Attempting to fly around the world in a balloon is a publicity stunt. If she tried out as a linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, that would be a publicity stunt. She's the best female golfer in the world, so seeing how she would stack up...let me rephrase that, how she would fare against the men is a natural progression.

PGA star Vijay Singh said Sorenstam doesn't belong on the men's tour and that if paired with her, he would withdraw from the tournament. I haven't heard an attitude like that since I was in the fourth grade at Robin Hood School when the boys and girls were forced to hold hands upon going out to recess.

As I recall "ick!" was the most common male response.

Sorenstam faltered on the second day and missed the cut. Undoubtedly nerves came into play. I can’t imagine how much pressure there would be with millions of people following your progress. Heck, I get nervous on the first tee at Unicorn Golf Course with no one but my playing partners and the next foursome watching me. At least Sorenstam didn't dribble one 50 feet off the tee as I've been known to do. Come to think of it, "Double Trouble" is a pretty pressure-packed hole at Hago Harrington's Miniature Golf Course.

The PGA seems to have problems moving into the 21st century with regard to women. A big row was ignited last year when Augusta National Golf Club chairman Hootie Johnson defended his decision not to allow women to join as members. Nobody said a word when the Village People announced that they had the same policy. Perhaps Johnson will make small, progressive steps like first allowing "barefoot and pregnant" women to become members.

Women have come a long way, but still have a long way to go. Sadly, about the only area in which theyve equaled men is in lung cancer rates due to increased smoking.

Now, women are making forays into the male world of sport. Soon the day will come when a woman can come home, have a few beers and bark at her spouse to get supper.

Perhaps one day we'll turn on a Major League baseball game and find a woman standing at first base scratching and spitting.

Are you ladies sure you want total equality?

Posted by dmargarita at 12:12 AM

May 12, 2003

Truth or Consequences

With the capture of the woman known as "Mrs. Anthrax," the members of Iraq's Baath Party seem to dropping like Traveling Wilbury's.

Huda Salih Mahdi Ammash, the only woman among the U.S. military's list of 55 most-wanted fugitives, and perhaps one of the few without a mustache, surrendered to authorities in Baghdad.

For her suspected role in developing deadly anthrax as a weapon, she was dubbed "Mrs. Anthrax" by Western journalists. In such a male dominated culture, having his wife be in the limelight must be difficult on her husband, "Mr. Anthrax" and all the little "Anthrax" children.

Her capture follows that of Rihib Taha, known as "Dr. Germ" for her role in the chemical weapons program, and the death of Ali Hassan al-Majid, a.k.a. "Chemical Ali."

I can't help but think that the next target is "Dr. Evil."

There's still one character on the loose, though. He was the one Iraqi official who provided some unintentional mirth during the hostilities.

The Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf (M.S.S.), was a constant source of amusement with his overly optimistic assessments of the progress of the war, denying that coalition forces had made advances while bullets whizzed by his head. For his lack of credibility, he was given the nickname "Comical Ali," not to be confused with White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, whose obfuscations and avoidance of questions should earn him the moniker "Comical Ari."

The man (al-Sahah, not Fleischer) has become such a cult figure, that pro-war and anti-war people were able to find some common ground in their admiration for M.S.S., to the point that they developed the website www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com to share some of M.S.S.' notable quotes, such as:

"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"

"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all" and

"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"

The site, which they describe as a "coalition effort of bloodthirsty hawks and ineffectual doves in admiration of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Minister of Information (currently on administrative leave") has become internationally popular.

One has to wonder what this guy is like in real life. Is he in total denial of the circumstances around him in every aspect of life?

Most modern politicians have professional speechwriters. I'm trying to imagine what perhaps our greatest statesman, Abraham Lincoln would've sounded like if the Iraqi Information Minister had written the Gettysburg Address for him.

Here is Lincoln's legendary speech with actual quotes from M.S.S. mixed in and italicized.

"Four score and seven years ago our father brought forth upon this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, .... blood-sucking bastards.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate;we cannot consecrate;we cannot hallow;this ground. They think we are retarded - they are retarded. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis.

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. We managed to chop off their rotten heads. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid (dramatic pause) and they are condemned.

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us;that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion;;because we will behead you all----that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain;that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom;and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. We feed them death and hell!"

Our sixteenth president was known as "Honest Abe," but the Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies.

Posted by dmargarita at 1:00 PM

February 17, 2003

The Sounds of Hatred

This week we celebrate President's Day in which we honor our two greatest Presidents, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Well, technically I guess it should include all Presidents, even Franklin Pierce and James K. Polk. Recently tapes purportedly from a leader who is no Washington or Lincoln, Osama bin Laden, have surfaced spewing his usual pious bile.

Certainly when contrasted with Washington and Lincoln, bin Laden appears to be at the other end of the humanity spectrum, a sort of "Evil Capt. Kirk" to our first and sixteenth president's "Good Capt. Kirk."

The man whom authorities can't seem to locate, even though he's put out more tapes than Brittany Spears, appears to be trying to keep his name in the public's consciousness. He almost seems like Gloria Swanson's faded, aging movie starlet, desperate to make a comeback in the film "Sunset Boulevard."

When Thomas Edison invented the phonograph and made the first recording in history by uttering the words "Mary had a little lamb," he likely never envisioned that his invention would someday be used to call for a "holy war." If he had, perhaps that original scratchy tinfoil recording would have the voice of Edison saying "Death to the Great Satan."

Unfortunately for bin Laden his recent tapes came out too late to qualify him for this year's Grammy's because I think he would've been a shoo-in to win the "Best threatening message by a religious fanatic" category.

Still, no doubt these tapes are popular in certain corners of the globe.

Much the way Slim Whitman sold millions or records through his TV commercials, Al Jazeera may be running ads for "The Best of bin Laden" tapes this very minute. It worked for Slim Whitman. He sold more records than Elvis Presley or the Beatles, the ad claimed. He probably worked in a record store.

Frankly, I think the CD versions have better sound quality.

If bin Laden wants to widen his appeal there's another trend he could follow. Several years ago Natalie Cole recorded a version of her legendary late father Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" and mixed it with her dad's version and scored a big commercial success. Frank Sinatra had a posthumously released duets CD and now Barbra Streisand has released hew own duets CD, singing with artists both living and dead.

I can hear the ad now.

"K-Tel records presents Osama bin Laden like you've never seen him before. The master of terror has joined up with some of history's greatest madmen to give the world the ultimate record of hate. 'The Evildoer Duets' CD pairs Osama with some of history's greatest madmen.

Here's Osama with Benito Mussolini:
Mussolini: 'Our myth is the Nation, our myth is the greatness of the Nation!'
Osama: 'The Nation.'

Listen to Osama with Pol Pot.
Pol Pot: 'Kill them all'
Osama: 'Them all'

And who could forget the 'Queen of Mean' herself, Leona Helmsley.
Leona: 'Only the little people pay taxes.'
Osama: 'Pay taxes.'

Of course no collection of evil would be complete without the master of evil himself, Adolph Hitler.
Hitler: 'Morality is stupidity or decadence.'
Osama: 'Stupidity or decadence'"

Unlike the Gloria Swanson character in 'Sunset Boulevard," bin Laden's comeback could prove successful. A frightening thought, indeed.

He?s ready for his close-up, Mr. Bush.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:36 AM

January 5, 2003

2002 Year in Review

It's time for my annual year-in-review, which I do every year. Hence the tem "annual." Most news outlets wait until the last week of December to run their review, but I believe in waiting for the year to complete before commenting. What if something incredible happens on Dec. 31st? So here are some (but not all) of the highlights and lowlights from 2002.

Jan. 5---Riding on a moped, Taliban leader Mullah Muhammed Omar escapes U.S. forces in Afghanistan. The Pentagon requests $1.2 billion from Congress for a moped defense system. Osama bin Laden is believed to escape on a skateboard.

Jan. 29---President Bush delivers his first State of the Union address, calling Iran, Iraq and North Korea an "axis of evil." Iran, Iraq and North Korea respond by saying "I know you are, but what am I"?

Feb. 3---The Patriots defeat the Rams to win Super Bowl XXXVI. The temperature in Hell reaches an all time low.

Feb. 4---Kenneth Lay resigns from Enron's board of directors. After this Lay-off, Lay if forced to get a job delivering Dominos Pizza to pay bills, feed his family and furnish his new $43 million house.

Mar. 14---The accounting firm Arthur Andersen is indicted on obstruction of justice charges relating to the collapse of energy giant Enron. The firm faces some $300 million in civil suits, all of which the company plans to write off.

Mar. 27---Veteran TV comic Milton Berle dies at 93. His family quarrels over which dress to bury him in.

Mar. 30---Great Britain?s beloved Queen Mum dies at 101. Singer Elton John writes yet another version of "Candle in the Wind."

Jul. 1---U.S. warplanes mistakenly bomb a wedding celebration in Afghanistan, killing 40. In an effort to ease tensions, the U.S. apologizes and offers the couple an all expense paid honeymoon in Iraq.

Jul. 5---Red Sox legend Ted Williams dies at 83. His body is then frozen in a cryonic facility by his son, John-Henry. This inspires the ever-entrepreneurial younger Williams to consider developing confectionary treats called "Tedsicles."

Jul. 16---American Taliban John Walker-Lindh pleads guilty to charges that he took up arms against the United States. The score stands at United States 1, Walker-Lindh 0.

Jul. 24---Nine miners are trapped in a western Pennsylvania mine. After 77 hours they are rescued, realize they live in western Pennsylvania, and decide to go back into the mine.

Aug. 9---Actor Charlton Heston announces that he is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. Later that day Heston again announces that he has Alzheimer's disease.

Aug 19---Pope John Paul II concludes a visit to his native Poland. The trip is a success with the only glitch occurring when four men are injured while trying to screw in a light bulb.

Sept. 12---At the U.N. President Bush says that if the U.N. fails to do so, the U.S. will force Iraq to disarm. He later says that they must also "disleg."

Sept. 30---Demanding better wages, health benefits and more jobs, hundreds of Boston-area janitors go on strike. They eventually settle, though they don't get better wages or health insurance, just more jobs as the strike has left the city a mess.

Oct. 2-3--- The "Beltway Sniper" kills six people in the Washington, D.C. area in a 16 hour span. Witnesses claim to see a white van leaving the area on several occasions. O.J. Simpson and Al Cowlings are brought in for questioning.

Oct. 11---Former President Jimmy Carter wins the Nobel Peace Prize. President Bush dismisses the announcement saying "I smoked one of those in college with some Indians."

Oct. 12---A nightclub is bombed in Bali. Some claim it's the work of Muslim extremists, while others suspect it is a leftover special effect from the Hope & Crosby film "Road to Bali."

Oct. 23---Rebels, seeking an end to Russia's war in Chechnya, storm a theater in Moscow and take 800 people hostage. The show is held over for 58 hours until Special Forces release gas into the theater killing 158 people and ending the siege. Russian President Vladimir Putin declares that the rebels must learn that terrorism is a "nyet-nyet."

Dec. 5---At a 100th birthday celebration for Senator Strom Thurmond, Senate leader Trent Lott appears to praise Thurmond's 1948 presidential campaign, which ran on a segregationist platform. Lott and Thurmond then make plans to get together on Hitler's birthday.

Dec. 9---United Airlines files for bankruptcy. The company plans to save money by eliminating peanuts as a snack on flights.

Dec. 20---Senator Trent Lott resigns as Republican leader. After his appearance on the Black Entertainment Network four days earlier, Lott says he wants to spend more time working on his routine for "Def Comedy Jam."

Dec. 15---The day after hosting NBC's Saturday Night Live, Former Vice President Al Gore announces that he will not seek his party?s nomination for the 2004 campaign, making him a "not ready for primary player."

Dec. 27 ---Representatives of the company Clonaid announce the birth of the first human clone, dubbed "Eve." The company was founded by the religious cult the "Raeliens," who believe that life on Earth was created by aliens through cloning. Many scientists are rushed to hospitals to deal with injured stomach muscles from laughing attacks. The Raeliens explain that their best hope of doubling the number of lunatics in the world is by cloning themselves.

So raise a glass and toast 2002. Hopefully you'll feel better in the morning.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:20 PM

December 30, 2002

Boxing Day Notes

Well, I hope you all had a pleasant and fruitful Boxing Day. Like most people, my family sat around the Boxing Tree and sang Boxing Carols, such as �It Came Upon a Midnight Box,� �Boxing Bells� and �Rudolph the Cauli Flowered Eared Boxer.�

You may have heard of Boxing Day but never really known exactly what it was. No, it�s not the day when people put on a pair of Everlast gloves and beat the snot out of each other. It is celebrated on Dec. 26th each year and it�s a tradition that originated in England, much like adding the letter �u� to various words.

Legend has it that since servants had to work on Christmas, they would be given the next day off and would go around to their employer to be given gifts, money and probably an occasional pink slip. Legend also has it that these servants would go around from door to door with boxes to be filled with food, Christmas sweets and money. Yet another theory according to Legend is that the church would open their poor boxes and give the money to the needy. Which of these is true I can�t tell you because we all know what an incredible gossip Legend is.

The holiday is also known as St. Stephan�s Day, not to be confused with St. Steven�s Day. Unfortunately I can�t tell you much about St. Stephens Day because a Yahoo! internet search turned up an entire page of references to St. Stephan�s Day that is entirely in German. I�m not joking, but for those of you that speak German I can tell you that St. Stephan�s Day is �Seit damals haben wir gemeinsam versucht, vielen seiner Geheimnisse auf die Spur zu kommen: den Menschen, die f�r St. Stephan wichtig waren ...�

So true...

I did mange to find out that St. Stephan was stoned to death shortly after the Crucifixion of Jesus, making him the patron saint of ...uh, being stoned to death.

An internet search of �The Feast of St. Stephan� proved a little more useful. According to the Seanfhocal Archives one tradition of the holiday dates back to ancient Ireland when children would kill a wren, put it�s corpse in a box and go from home to home displaying the bird and begging for money. Clearly the kids had a lot to learn about fund raising techniques.

I couldn�t help but wonder if the holiday were celebrated here, what various employers might give to their servants. Here�s a list of some items that I think they might give.

Former Senate Republican leader Trent Lott---White linen, particularly sheets.
Former Cardinal Bernard M. Law---Would tell them that he�s giving them something, but then place a lot of obstacles in their way so that they wouldn�t get them.

Retiring Senator Strom Thurmond---Lifetime memberships to various organizations.

The cast of �Friends�---Would tease them with whether or not they�d have a job next year.

Red Sox new G.M. Theo Epstein---Phony I.D.�s that can be used to buy liquor.

N.Y. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner---Would give them more money than any other employer.

So there you have it. Time to relax and listen to some music. Perhaps I�ll put on Simon and Garfunkel�s �The Boxer.�

Posted by dmargarita at 8:00 PM

December 5, 2002

Turkey Talk

Following White House tradition, President Bush pardoned two turkeys in a pre-Thanksgiving ritual that dates back to Abraham Lincoln. The ceremony is perhaps the ultimate irony for the man who, as governor of Texas presided over only slightly less executions than Joseph Stalin.

The tradition allegedly first began during the Civil War when President Abraham Lincoln, already on an emancipation binge, pardoned a turkey that his son Tad had made a pet.

The event was resurrected in 1947 by Harry Truman, who pardoned a bird that had supposedly been accused of being a communist by Sen. Joseph McCarthy.

As always, two birds were selected with the better behaved one being used for the ceremony. This year's beneficiaries were Zack and Katie, named after the children of the farmer who raised them.

Unfortunately, in the confusion of the ceremony, Bush accidentally condemned the farmer's two children to death.

As for the birds, Katie got the nod, the first ever female turkey to be pardoned, but Bush, who owns a farm in Texas, kept referring to Katie as "he."

When apprised of this by reporters, Bush explained that he was fooled by Katie's "butch" appearance. The fact that the bird was named Katie apparently was not an indication of the bird's gender to Bush.

According to Reuters News Service, Bush actually told reporters "I look forward to having a conversation with Katie."

Bush later returned to the Oval Office where he had an intense conversation with the family cat.

For the ceremony the turkey's handlers dragged the apparently reluctant Katie to the table, while the Presidents handlers dragged the apparently reluctant leader of the free world to the table. Bush warily approached the bird and asked "He looks a little nervous, doesn't he?"

No doubt the bird was thinking the same thing.

By tradition the birds are sent after the ceremony to Kidwell Farms at the appropriately named Frying Pan Park in Virginia. Considering the Presidents propensity for executions as Governor of Texas, perhaps that state would be a more appropriate location for ?Frying? Pan Park.

Due to the War on Terror and The White House being sure to take all security measures, rumors persisted that instead of Kidwell Farm, Katie would be sent to Guntanamo Bay for questioning.

Turkeys tend not to live too long on Kidwell Farm, as Frying Pan Park spokeswoman Judy Peterson told CNN. The turkeys are bred for consumption so are generally too fat and unhealthy to live for long. Peterson also noted that some turkeys "get in with the wrong crowd."

Another cause may be a lack of exercise. It is a generally accepted fact that the amino acid L-tryptophan causes one to be tired after eating turkey, so it stands to reason that turkeys must constantly be tired from being turkeys.

Peterson also told CNN that President Clinton's turkeys tended to be the shortest lived of the pardoned turkeys, although it is believed that some committed suicide after getting tired of being "hit on" by the former chief executive.

The two turkeys that have lived the longest are Liberty and Freedom, both of whom were pardoned by Bush last year and are still living on Kidwell Farm. Both are said to be enjoying retirement, although retirement for a turkey simply means not being eaten.

Hopefully Liberty, Freedom and Katie are lying on a couch somewhere watching football and loosening their belts a couple of notches. It?s about time they saw what it's like on the other side.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:36 AM

November 26, 2002

Bad Dad, or Just Mad?

I'm about to announce something to you that just might shock you. It's just an opinion, mind you, but it may startle you so, you might want to read this sitting down. Here it is: Michael Jackson is weird.

The pop superstar caused a stir recently when he decided treat fans by tossing souvenirs from his hotel window to his admirers in the street below.

Unfortunately, one of the souvenirs appeared to be his months old baby, Prince Michael II, who is not to be confused with Jackson's oldest son Prince Michael or his daughter Paris, both of whom were with him in Berlin.

German authorities say they have no plans to charge Jackson, 'baby dangling' apparently not considered a crime in Germany.

'I was shocked at what I saw' Reuters news quotes Uri Geller, psychic and close friend of Jackson, as saying, adding 'I never saw it coming." Geller then returned to his kitchen where he resumed his important work of psychically bending spoons.

Of course what parent hasn't played "peek-a-boo," "I've got your nose" or "I'm going to dangle you from six stories" with their child at some point?

Jackson later apologized explaining "I made a mistake," and that he figured if he dropped the child, Superman would swoop down and scoop him up anyway.

The next day Jackson and his kids appeared at the Berlin Zoo. The children wore masks, purportedly to keep their identities safe from potential kidnappers, although it's plausible that the kids are just too embarrassed to be seen in public with their bizarre father.

Jackson himself is often seen in public wearing a mask. While allegedly germ phobic, Jackson may be trying to hide the apparently overzealous work of third-rate plastic surgeons. When recent pictures of him testifying in court appeared in various news sources, people were shocked that Jackson looked like a creature from the movie "The Island of Lost Souls" in which a mad scientist creates mutant creatures while trying to medically speed up the process of evolution.

According to Reuters, Jackson and his kids were given private access to the gorilla house where the sound of laughter could be heard. Exactly who was laughing at whom is a matter of speculation.

Simians seem to hold a special fascination for Jackson. Several years ago while on tour in Asia, Jackson had several orangutans flown in so that he could pet them. Few of us are that rich to be able to do such a thing, which is why I always take my own orangutans with me when I travel.

Jackson is famous for having his chimpanzee "Bubbles" who (no joke) had to leave Jackson's "Neverland" ranch after punching Jackson in the nose. Though there are no reports that it was in response to Jackson "coming on" to Bubbles, poor Bubbles might still be living there if he'd merely thrown a drink in Michael's face.

A few years back Jackson complained publicly that he was being persecuted because he was black. However that argument doesn't hold any weight because he hasn't been black in fifteen years. He's being persecuted because he's just plain weird.

So what else would you expect from a guy who admittedly lives in "Neverland?"

Posted by dmargarita at 11:59 AM

November 21, 2002

Crowning Achievements

With all the bad publicity England's Royal Family has received lately, I can't help but appreciate all the more the fact that George Washington declined to become king as many of his contemporaries wanted him to. After all, look what centuries of intermarriage of European Royal families has gotten the Brits.

These people are paid millions every year, for the major achievement of having been born. If you think the current bunch is a little bizarre, consider King George III whose bouts with mental illness saw him allegedly roaming Buckingham Palace, howling like a wolf. Poor George suffered from a hereditary disease which caused him to be a slow learner (he didn't learn to read until he was eleven), gave him severe stomach pains, caused a purple-ish discoloration on his urine, eventual insanity and blindness. That wouldn't exactly make for a good campaign resume if you were running for office today, but remember, this illness is in the Royal Family genes.

George and Martha Washington never had children of their own, but all of this makes me wonder what life would be like today if he'd had kids and become a monarch and his descendants were as flaky as some of the British Royals have been.

Let's go now to Washington D.K. (District of Kingship), 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The location is the Rectangular Office of The White Castle. King George XXXIII is lying on the couch watching "Yogi Bear." A servant enters.

Servant:
Your Highness, Vice King Cheney wishes to see you.

George:
Oh, alright. Send him in.

(Cheney enters)
Cheney:
Your Highness, you have a press conference in five minutes.

George:
I don't wanna go.

Cheney:
Sir, you have to. There?s a whole room of reporters waiting for you.

George:
(Sighs) Alright, let's go. (Gets off the couch, starts for the door)

Cheney:
Your Highness, may I suggest you put on some pants.
(Cut to the press room. King George enters)

George:
Good afternoon. As always, why don't we start with a question from Helen Thomas.

Helen:
Your Highness, your great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather, the first King George supposedly never told a lie. Can you say the same thing?

George:
Yes. My great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather the first King George supposedly never told a lie. Next? Sam Donaldson.

Sam:
Your Highness, Saddam Hussein has said he'll let inspectors into the country. Do you have faith that this group of inspectors will be able to do the job?

George:
Yes, because I'm sending Inspector Clouseau.

Sam:
Sir, there is no Inspector Clouseau. He was just a character in a movie.

George:
Off with your head!

Cheney: (whispering to George)
Your Highness, Parliament took away the King's right to have someone's head in 1822.

George:
Next question goes to Cokie Roberts. Hey, you got any?

Cokie:
That's not how I got my nickname, your Highness. Sir, your daughters, Princess Barbara and Princess Jenna have been seen in nightclubs drinking with Prince William. Considering your own problems with alcohol, have you spoken to your daughters about their behavior?

George:
I have. I've explained to them that you don't need alcohol to have fun. For example, just yesterday, for laughs I called up Vice King Cheney and asked him if he had Prince Albert in a can. Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf:
Your Highness, have you heard Osama bin Laden's latest tape?

George:
I have heard it. I downloaded it off the Internet. I got his last twelve tapes for only a penny, but now I don't have to since I got a CD burner. We've got time for one last question. Candy Crowley.

Candy:
Your highness, the economy is in trouble and your subjects are getting nervous. What do you plan to do the stimulate the economy?

George:
That's an issue I really want to sink my into, but I probably won't since I have a history of wooden teeth in my family. The main thing we need is tax cuts for the rich, so tomorrow I'm going to send a bill to parliament to have my taxes lowered. Hey, it's great to be king. Thank you all for coming.

Maybe British tax money is well spent after all, considering the entertainment value the rest of the world gets from them.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:23 PM

November 11, 2002

Plague Fever, Catch It!

Have you ever had to come up with a phony excuse to tell your boss that you couldn't go into work? Next time, just tell him you've got the plague. It could actually be true.

A couple from New Mexico visiting New York have been hospitalized with the Bubonic Plague, but residents from New Jersey and New Hampshire can cease worrying that the disease is specifically targeting states that contain the word "New."

The disease which was once all the rage in Europe, is caused by the bacteria Yersinia pestis and is transmitted from rats to fleas. When fleas run out of rodent hosts, they turn to man. The solution to this problem is obvious. We need more rats!

There are three stages of the disease.

Bubonic plague---The most common form is characterized by swollen lymph nodes, or "buboes." This is one instance when one probably doesn't want to brag about having large buboes. The victim suffers from chills, fever, vomiting, diarrhea, and then thankfully, death. Dried blood under the skin turns black giving the name "The Black Death" which sounds like the name of one of Ozzy Osbourne's albums. It is not considered contagious (the disease, not Ozzy Osbourne's albums).

Pneumonic plague---The bacteria infects the lungs and it is highly contagious, particularly being transmitted by sneezing. This might change the commonly heard phrase from "God bless you" to "God help me."

Septicemic plague or "The plague that no one ever lived long enough to catch in the Middle Ages"---Bacteria overwhelm the bloodstream and death can occur within twenty four hours, before the victim even shows symptoms, so one minute you might be counting your future daughter's dowry and the next minute be dead.

(I can only imagine that somewhere some government agent monitoring all internet traffic is looking at my searches for "The Plague," "The Bubonic Plague" and "The Black Death" with great alarm.)

Antibiotics can now cure the plague when caught early enough, although I've always been "pro" biotic, but in the middle ages such medicines were not available.

One attempt to halt the disease was made by the Flagellant Brahren, who believing the epidemic to be brought on as punishment for man's sins, began a public repentance tour of Europe by singing hymns, sobbing and beating themselves with whips studded with iron spikes, preceding the aforementioned Ozzy Osbourne by some 600 years. This ritual was performed in public twice a day, although the second performance required a two drink minimum.

The healthy abandoned the sick, the sick were left for dead and the dead didn't do much of anything.

Property owners abandon their land after having collected first and last month's rent. Doctors refuse the treat the infected giving birth to the phrase "I don't make house calls."

It is estimated that over a third of the European population was wiped out by the plague with the remaining two thirds left cowering under the covers.

Hopefully the medicines we have today will continue to keep the disease in check. Otherwise it'll kind of make you long for a good ol' fashioned locust infestation.

Posted by dmargarita at 5:50 PM

November 4, 2002

Get Active Now!

There comes a point in everyone's life when they feel they must get active. People, it's time to organize and rally. Oh, I don't mean that pesky little war that we might be entering soon. There's persecution going on right here in this country, right now. Winona Ryder is being railroaded.

This follows a pattern of harassment of Hollywood stars. Many of you might recall the story of actor Hugh Grant, who in a desire for companionship, offered $50 to a lady he met on the street for an evening of friendship.

Grant was then the subject of much needling with some people questioning why a rich, famous, good looking movie star would opt for such company when he had Elizabeth Hurley waiting for him at home. For all we know, Elizabeth might be an example of a great make up job. Without the proper mascara, rouge and lipstick, she may look like a $50 street hooker. Grant was promoting his movie Nine Months at the time, and eventually was put on probation for twenty four months. There was no word on whether he had to attend "Four Weddings and a VD Clinic."

Ryder was arrested for allegedly shoplifting more than $5,500 worth of goods at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. Ryder claimed that she was merely doing research for a movie in which she would be playing a shoplifter. Ryder is a "method actor" so it is quite possible that she needed to experience the realism of a shop lifter, much the same way that John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, the alleged Maryland snipers, may have just been doing research on what it's like to be a serial killer.

If convicted, it will be imperative to call out the big guns. Bob Dylan will have to write a protest song, as he did for accused murderer, boxer Rubin "Hurricane" Carter.

I think it would probably go something like this:

This is the story of Winona Ryder
the girl the authorities put in stir
For something that she never done
put in a prison cell but one time
She could've won an Academy Award

Eddie Murphy received some notoriety when he was pulled over with a transvestite male hooker in his car. He was let go as he simply explained to the police that he was being a Good Samaritan, giving the individual a ride home. Haven't all of us given a ride to a male transvestite hooker at 4:45 am?

The sad tale of this Girl, Interrupted (while shoplifting) illustrates how Hollywood celebrities have become easy prey for law enforcement, who find defenseless movie stars as accessible targets to advance their political careers.

This persecution must end now, or Ms. Ryder will soon be spending time in prison, perhaps a small prison filled with Little Women or an underwater prison filled with Mermaids.

Like Papillon, she might wind up in a squalid cell forced to drink Beetlejuice to survive, but won't be likely to be exclaiming "Great Balls of Fire!" which was more of a problem for Hugh Grant.

If Ms. Ryder learns one thing from all of this, it's that Reality Bites.

Posted by dmargarita at 1:25 PM

October 9, 2002

Undercover Madness

While the debate rages on as to whether or not we should go to war with Iraq and put our troops in harm's way some 10,000 miles away, it seems that there are some people in the Maryland area that can't leave their house without being in harm's way.

Since last Wednesday eight people have been senselessly gunned down in the Md./ D.C. area. The most recent, as of this writing, being a 13 year-old who had just been dropped off at school.

So far police seem baffled as to whom the perpetrator is, with Police Chief Charles Moose stating during a press conference that when the individual shot a child he or she was "stepping over the line."

Is this officer trying to say that it's reasonable to shoot an adult?

He added that "it's getting to be really, really personal now."

I guess up until then the previous shootings were just "business as usual."

No mention was made if Chief Moose was going to call in Inspector Jughead or if Archie and Veronica were suspects. Although since the only clue authorities have to go on is a white van, Shaggy and Scooby must also be considered suspects. (Thanks to Tom Kelley for the "Archie" bit.)

Authorities aren't sure if the most recent shooting was a possible "copycat" crime. Great, just what we needed; a psychopath with a lack of originality. Was there some wacko out there looking to commit a crime, but just couldn't come up with something on his own?

Law enforcement officials haven't been very reassuring. They seemed to keep repeating the mantra "Be alert, but continue with your daily life."

In other words, watch out but continue to be a moving target. The people shot were all going about their daily lives when hit. That's what got them killed. One was mowing the lawn, and another was pumping gas. How much more mundane can you get than that?

It seems to me that this is one time when hiding under the covers is legitimately the best form of self defense.

News channels are reporting that an FBI profiler has been brought in to assist in the investigation. No, that's not someone who looks at people from the side, but someone who can give a look into the mind of the killer to try and help determine who it is. In the spirit of civic mindedness, I'd like to offer my profile on the perpetrator. The killer is probably SOME LUNATIC THAT LIKES TO SHOOT PEOPLE. Of course, that's just an amateur's opinion.

On CNN I saw an interview with someone identified as a "geographical profiler." This man explained how they could locate the killer by figuring that he probably lives in the center of the area that the killer has struck. Of course if the killer watches CNN he's probably going to either move, or change his M.O. which means that folks living in the neighboring counties are now in mortal danger, thanks to CNN.

An understandably frightened community went into hyper security mode. The children were in "lock-down" in their schools. As if being stuck in Chemistry class for forty five minutes wasn't bad enough, being stuck in there all day with the doors locked is a student's nightmare. On the other hand, it beats being shot.

Authorities from all law enforcement agencies have been brought in to help. Recruits from the Police Academy have been brought in to search the area. If that doesn't prove sufficient, I assume they'll bring in the cast of Police Academy III and Porky?s Revenge as well.

If anyone wants me, I'll be hiding under my covers.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:28 PM

September 24, 2002

Martha, My Dear

Pretty much on any day of the week if you flip through the TV channels, at some point you�re liable to come across the show Martha Stewart Living. Judging from the jokes and comments you hear about her, you�d think that most people would prefer to see Martha Stewart Dying.

Often described in the media as � the domestic diva,� Stewart has been in hot water for some time for selling 4000 shares on ImClone stock that investigators question as to whether or not was a matter of insider trading.

The fact that she sold her shares the day before the FDA denied ImClone�s bid to sell an anti-cancer drug, showed either some foreknowledge of the decision or uncanny instincts which might be well served at the race track.

Stewart began her career by publishing a book Entertaining and subsequently building an empire with a magazine and TV show, all giving tips on home making featuring creative use of household items, making her the �McGuyver� of domestic engineering. In fact her doormat boot scraper is probably the most ingenious use of a coconut since the Professor on Gilligan�s Island made a radio out of one.

Shares of her own company have dropped in price since the scandal began, but not to the degree that ImClone�s stock have. ImClone shareholder�s may want stay tuned to Martha�s website to see if she eventually gives some handy tips on how to make winterized shelter out of worthless ImClone stock.

I�ve taken the liberty of visiting Ms. Stewart�s website and found it to be most helpful. Currently it offers such useful advice as how to make a grilled cheese sandwich (no joke). I plan to check this site regularly because I can�t wait for her tips on how to make ice cubes.

Congress has asked Ms. Stewart to appear before them, but she has refused. Although Ms. Stewart probably fears that Congress will ask about her involvement with the ImClone scandal, sources say that the Congressmen merely want to ask her if it�s improper to send embossed mash notes to the intern that you�re having an affair with.

One of the categories on her web page is �Weddings 101� which has sub-categories such as:

The Ceremony

The Reception

Invitation & Printed Materials

Hiring Vendors.

Unfortunately Ms. Stewart, who is divorced, hasn�t bothered to share her experience in that area. I imagine that some of the sub-categories for �Divorce 101� would be:

The Acrimony

The Blaming

Putting the Kids in the Middle

Hiring an Attorney

The fact is that Martha Stewart is a billionaire who may get a little scarred, but in the long run she�ll be OK. She�s not going to wind up on the side of a bridge like Jimmy Stewart in It�s a Wonderful Life.

Although from what you hear it�s not too hard to imagine her berating her account like Jimmy Stewart�s George Bailey character berated Uncle Billy.

�Where�s that money you silly, stupid fool. Can�t you see what this means? This means bankruptcy, scandal! One of us is going to jail, and it�s not going to be me!�

Judging by the tenacity that the folks on Capitol Hill seem to be going after Ms. Stewart, the next installation in her empire may be Martha Stewart Serving.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:48 PM

August 14, 2002

Learning to Crawl

Maybe I read it incorrectly. That's the problem with this new news "crawl" phenomenon. Every news channel now runs a constant crawl at the bottom of the screen while the anchors read the day's events, making it tough to focus on two things simultaneously. I feel angry knowing that I missed an important part of a story on terrorism because I diverted my attention to the crawl for a moment to learn that "Tanzanians get first look at Albino Snow Monkeys."

The story that I saw on the crawl the other day was one in which an elderly German woman was accidentally killed when a "trick" bear fell on her in a nursing home. I'm not making this up. I have searched high and low through newspapers and the internet and have not been able to find any other corroboration of this story, which is why I question my eyesight not to mention my sanity. Well, I often question that anyway.

Of course this death is a tragedy for the woman, her family and friends, but let's face it---for the rest of us it may be the most humorous demise since the "Chuckles the Clown dies" episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, in which said clown was dressed as a giant peanut when shucked to death by a rogue elephant. Actually it's funnier because that was merely a fictional death, whereas this German death was real, or so I think.

I've read that studies have shown that bringing pets such as dogs or cats into hospitals or nursing homes has proven to be very good therapy for patients. Perhaps someone in Germany read these same studies and figured the bigger the pet, the better the therapy. I have no doubt that there's nothing the elderly love more than seeing a bear coming towards them.

I'm trying to picture the thought process behind the decision to bring a bear into a nursing home.

"Vell Hans, vee have brought singers, dancers and magicians in to entertain our elderly clients. Zere can only be von thing left zat zay vood vant to see---a trick bear!"

I'm guessing there was probably some miscommunication at the meeting with someone innocently asking "How 'bout a beer?"

Of course hindsight is 20-20 and one can say that the bear's performance was flawed, unless of course, the trick was to fall on an old woman and kill her, in which case the trick was a success.

The crawl is not the only thing that bothers me with TV news today.

Am I the only one annoyed with the standing anchor craze? Are we supposed to think that we just happened to tune in to a bunch of folks standing around the water cooler, who as luck would have it, are discussing world news, sports and weather? Somebody please get these people a desk and a chair.

If they're going to go with the water cooler look, why not have them give water cooler news?

"Good evening, I'm Natalie Jacobson. I've just learned that our news director is fooling around with the wife of one of the writers."

If you want a casual look, why not take it one step further?

Fade in: Voiceover:

"Now for the evening news. Here's your host John Smith."

The camera focuses on several stalls in a men's room. We see the feet and lowered pants of our anchor, the sports guy, and weatherman.

Anchor:

"Good evening. Another attack in Israel tonight has left three dead. With more on this story, here's Andrea Wilson from the ladies room."

Unless we viewers can get together and undertake a massive letter writing campaign to convince the networks to change things, we?ll just have to grin and bear it.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:51 PM

July 31, 2002

A Whale of a Problem

I'm getting a little tired of all the violence on TV. You can't turn on the tube without seeing murder, disembowelment or stalking.

Last week several pilot whales stranded themselves on a Cape Cod beach, making them seem like pretty bad pilots. So where was the navigator whale?

Scientists are at a loss to explain the whales behavior beyond the notion that the whales headed for the Cape because they couldn't get a place in the Hampton's. Perhaps they were merely trying to escape sitting in traffic at the Sagamore Bridge like the rest of us.

Another possibility is that the whales are attempting to go ashore to lose weight. They do have a tendency to have a problem with "blubber."

Whales aren't the only suicidal animal on this earth. Lemmings, a small rodent, undertake mass migrations, undeterred by anything and will continue into the sea until drowning. (Is there anything you can't find out on the internet?)

With no biological explanation available, the average lay person must look to psychological explanations to account for this bizarre animal behavior.

Maybe it's some sort of animal cult thing. All to often we've seen groups of people doing some insipid thing just because their leader has told them to. I can only surmise that amongst these groups of animals is the equivalent of some jerk with a bad haircut saying "Drink the Kool-Aid."

Perhaps the whales are tired of the sea life and have decided to see what life on land is like. After all, they are mammals. Whatever their quest, it will always go unfulfilled because just when they think they've made it to shore, some well meaning humans come along and drag them back into the sea.

The only reason I can sit here and write this is that a couple of billion years ago when our primordial ancestors crawled out of the sea and onto land, there was no one there to haul them back.

Of course there's always the possibility that it's just an example of mass animal suicide, in which case suicide prevention programs ought to be stepped up for marine life.

If we can record the sounds of whales mating, why can't we set up suicide hot lines for them?

"Suicide hot line. Can I help you?"
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
"You'll have to be more specific sir."

Part of the problem is that there haven't been any clues left behind by the whales, like a suicide note, which would answer a lot of questions:

My name is Orca
I live on the ocean floor
I'm heading for a Cape Cod beach
'cause I want to die ashore
If I should wash up on your beach
Please just leave me out of reach
Just don't drag me to the sea
Just don't drag me to the sea
Just don't drag me to the sea

So now the remains of the whales are to be weighted down and sunk to the bottom of the ocean to join a few hundred mob accountants.

It's kind of ironic that creatures who died trying to live on land will be given a burial at sea.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:34 PM

Disney, China Style

I've never been to Disney World, Disneyland or even a Disney store. Nor can I figure out why Disneyland is one word, while Disney World is two words.

Recent news reports indicate that the entertainment conglomerate is considering building yet another theme park, this time in Shanghai China. Reportedly, this has not made the people who run the Disney park in Hong Kong very happy.

Shanghai went from a city to a verb in the nineteenth century when men would find themselves drugged and forcibly pressed into service as sailors on ships heading to the Orient, which when you think of it, would make quite a theme ride. What a family experience as Mom, Dad and the kids wake up in irons below deck sporting tattoos, being whipped by a foul smelling man named Captain Ned!

The two cities are not that close together so I shouldn't think that attracting customers to each venue should be a problem, particularly in a country whose population is over one billion. In such an overpopulated country, the Disney theme song "It's a small world after all" certainly must ring true.

To what degree the Chinese would tailor their park to their society I can't imagine.

Will rides be interspersed with the forced labor exhibit? They could save on labor costs by getting prisoners to work the park. How about the one family, one child exhibit? One show they couldn't do without would be the "Hall of Dictators."

I wonder if the Hong Kong Cities of the World exhibit features Hong Kong as one of it's cities. That would really smack of authenticity.

Has there been a family that's gone through Florida's Disney World and not commented on Epcot looking like a giant golf ball? Since golf is probably not the leisure pastime it is here, perhaps the Chinese version of Epcot would look like a giant ping-pong ball.

One of the lowest points in Chinese history was Mao's failed "Great Leap Forward" in which his attempt to industrialize the nation led to mass starvation, and according to some accounts, cannibalism. Well, with over a billion people, food shortages should not be a problem.

Of course, Disney parks are famous for their "You must be this tall to ride" signs, which probably never was a problem for 7' 5" Yao Ming, the basketball star who has been made available for next year's NBA draft.

There's no telling how familiar the Chinese are with the Disney culture. It may perplex Chinese patrons to see giant rodents wandering around, waving and shaking hands. Whether or not Donald Duck may be any more intelligible to them, one can only guess.

I guess the main problem with visiting a Chinese Disneyland is that an hour later, you'll want to go back for more.

One had better be careful in taking on the Disney machinery. They don't let a dollar get away, a prime example being several years ago when they sued a grammar school who had painted Disney characters on the side of their building without Disney's permission. The folks at Hannah-Barbera played the good guys and sent some of their artists to paint their characters on the school's walls. This incident only reinforced the notion that Disney is a massive corporation that can ruthless.

Come to think of it, maybe they'd fit right in with China.

Posted by dmargarita at 5:52 PM

July 24, 2002

Defrosting Ted

Monday night's wonderful tribute to Ted Williams was a pleasant distraction from the current controversy surrounding he and his family. The idea of freezing Ted Williams presumes that one day he'll be thawed out and brought back to life. I'm trying to imagine just what Williams will have to say when that day comes.

"Is it cold in here, or is it me?" asked the baseball legend.

"Both, actually" replied his son.

The year is 2054 and John Henry Williams, now 85 years old, two years older than his dad was when he passed away, has had his legendary father brought back to life.

Ted didn't recognize the aged John Henry at first. Then John Henry explained to his dad how he had been hanging upside down, frozen in a tank for the last fifty-two years.

"You moron, I told you I wanted to be cremated!" the startled slugger admonished.

He then looked down and noticed the brown spots on his arms.

"What are these?"

"That happened during the Great West Coast Blackout in '26. You defrosted a little, but the doctors say it's nothing serious."

John Henry explained to Ted that doctors had now perfected an artificial heart, and that he thought that the time was right to bring Ted back to once again be the greatest hitter that ever lived.

Ted thought about it for a second and then tore into John Henry.

"You idiot! When I died I had the body of a feeble 83-year-old man. I may have a new heart, but I've still got the body of a feeble 83 year old man!"

John Henry decided to take another tack.

"But Dad, I've made a fortune with this cryogenics thing. I've taken your DNA and had you cloned."

John Henry then crossed the room and opened the door. In walked five tall, lean young men. Each was the spitting image of The Kid as a young man.

A beaming John Henry poised himself to make the introductions.

"Ted Williams meet Ted Williams, Ted Williams, Ted Williams, Ted Williams and Ted Williams."

The Hall of Famer was stunned.

"You mean that for the last fifty two years I've been hanging upside down like Grandpa Munster in a nitrogen tank so you could do this? Why didn't you just cremate me like I asked?"

John Henry smiled.

"Look dad, sometimes you've got to make tough decisions to be a successful businessman."

"Successful businessman? Ha!" said an animated Ted.

"You couldn't run a successful business if you owned a store that only sold winning lottery tickets" he sarcastically added.

"Look dad, you're the only white player...uh, players, in the majors today. All the other players are Latin or Asian. They've even renamed it Major League Beisbol.”

This puzzled Ted. He couldn't figure out why American kids wouldn't play what he thought was the greatest game in the world.

"So what are all the white kids playing?" he asked.

"Professional skateboarding" John Henry told him.

"Who's the commissioner these days?"

"Cheech Marin"

"You mean that hippie comedian? He must be a hundred years old" barked The Kid.

"Yeah, but life expectancy's 150 now" said the son.

Ted was depressed. Everything that people had told him about John Henry was true. It was too bad he had to find out this way.

He finally came to a decision.

"Crank up the AC. I want to go back in the tank."

I always regretted that I never got to see Ted Williams play in person. If John Henry gets his way, I may one day get the chance. While we're at it, what do you say we dig up The Babe?

Posted by dmargarita at 9:09 PM

July 10, 2002

The Greatest

The baseball world is mourning the loss of Red Sox great Ted Williams, though celebrating the fact that we may be able to soon buy his remains on ebay thanks to his ever enterprising son, John Henry. I can't count on my fingers and toes the number of times in the last twenty four hours, how many people I've heard refer to him as "The Greatest Hitter Who Ever Lived" in part because I have a hard time counting to ten.

Whenever someone passes away, it is common for others to say wonderful things about them, unless they're talking about Hitler or someone like that. Although, I suppose there were people in Germany in 1945 saying, while weeping, "Achhh, zat Hitler vasn't such a bad guy."

I'm certainly not comparing Ted Williams to Hitler. He (Williams, not Hitler) was a complex individual who had his faults and flaws like all of us do. He also did an admirable amount of fund raising for the Jimmy Fund.

I hate to speak ill of the dead, or dead of the ill for that matter, but I'd like to contest this notion that he was the greatest hitter of all time. I know that may be heresy in these parts.

You see, there was another guy, who also spent part of his career with the Red Sox, who in my opinion is still the measuring stick for major league hitters. His name was Babe Ruth.

At the risk of sounding like a stat geek, while Ruth's career batting average was just two points lower than Williams, he led Williams in just about every other category including hitting almost 200 more home runs. Yes, Williams was the last guy to bat .400 but Ruth won a batting title hitting .378 not to mention not winning it in two season's while batting .378 and .393.

People love to point out that Williams missed five prime seasons while serving in the military, but Ruth spent the first several years of his career as a pitcher (and a darn good one) in the dead ball era for the Red Sox. Also, one might wonder how many home runs the Babe might have hit had he not spent most evenings after a game with two hookers drinking bootleg gin.

Most if not all of Ruth's batting records have been broken, but all by different individuals. To think that at one time one guy held all of these records is staggering.

So why has Williams become known as the greatest hitter of all time? Because Williams told us he was. He always said that he wanted to walk down the street and have people say "There goes the greatest hitter that ever lived."

Red Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy recounted the time he first met Williams. As the legend passed through the clubhouse, he passed a full length mirror. Upon seeing his reflection he exclaimed "There he is! The greatest hitter that ever lived!"

Most of us would've commented "Do these pants make me look fat?"

This seems to be a pattern in professional sports. Mohammed Ali is known as "The Greatest" because that's what he called himself. Was he better than Joe Louis? Was he better than Rocky Marciano who retired undefeated at 49-0?

The Rolling Stones refer to themselves as "The World's Greatest Rock & Roll Band" although one could make an argument for The Beatles, The Who or the Cowsills since music is a matter of taste and largely subjective. If one goes by record sales, perhaps Slim Whitman is the greatest recording artist if the claim that he "sold more records than Elvis Presley and the Beatles" in his commercial is to be believed.

I've decided therefore that to achieve enormous success, I am now going to refer to myself as The Greatest Columnist of All Time. From now on when you pass me on the street, feel free to say "There goes the greatest columnist that ever lived."

I'd rather hear that than "Stick 'em up."

Posted by dmargarita at 9:15 PM

July 3, 2002

Bloodlines

Call it a mid-life crisis. No, I'm not going for the little sports car or the 23 year old blonde rollerblader (OK, I'll take the rollerblader).

I've decided that it's time for a career change. I'm going to try out for the Chicago Bears. This idea was inspired by John Henry Williams, the son of Red Sox great Ted Williams, who at 33 years of age has asked for and received a try out with the BoSox.

Since being the progeny of a talented athlete seems to be a sufficient qualification to be given a try out by a professional team, I figure that I fall into that category.

You see, my father, Bob Margarita, played for the Chicago bears from 1944-46, and was pretty darn good. Normally a guy like me wouldn't even get a phone call returned from a professional team. I'm small, slow and old (by professional sports standards).

Those physical limitations are generally considered a drawback in pro football.

I could do what many pro football players do, take steroids and then I'd be a little bigger, but still too small, a littler faster, but still too slow, and still just as old.

Many athletes, particularly in baseball, have followed their father to the big leagues. Bobby and Barry Bonds, Ken Griffey Sr. & Jr., and we are now on our third generation of the Boone family. In fact, when Griffey Jr. came to the majors, he was his father's teammate.

Considering the wonders of modern medicine, perhaps my father could make a come back. At 81 he might need double knee replacements, a hip replacement, a lung transplant and a few cortisone shots to once again be one of the most elusive halfbacks in the NFL. Granted, at this point in his career he'd probably have to become a blocking back or at the very least be relegated to special teams.

Going to training camp with my dad would be loads of fun as my veteran father would make me, the rookie, sing my college fight song for the rest of the team, although I don't know if Bunker Hill Community College actually has a fight song. Frankly, I always thought of that school as being more like "Benny Hill" Community College (which I guess would make Yakkity Sax the school fight song).

In my father's day, football players played on both sides of the ball, my father being a halfback on offense and a defensive back as well. I would expect to do no less, which would make scrimmaging against him very interesting. As he came through the line it would be my responsibility to rush up and put a shoulder into his ribs. This would also get out any lingering grudges that I've built up since childhood.

Wham!

"Now can I have a pony!?"

Last night one of the local TV stations showed videotape of John Henry Williams at the plate, and honestly, I've seen Little Leaguers with better swings. Perhaps someone should buy him a copy of his father's book The Science of Hitting.

Good luck to John Henry at attempting to do what his father and many others (including me) think is the hardest thing to do in sports---hit a baseball traveling anywhere between 80 and 100 m.p.h., and moving in any number of directions.

Next thing you know some joker will think that just because his dad was President of the United States that he could.....oh.

Posted by dmargarita at 11:10 PM

June 26, 2002

Dr. Doolittle's Terrorists

These suicide bombings in the Middle East would be a lot more palatable if they just stuck to the suicide part. Most people think that this fanatical action is due to a gross misinterpretation of Islam, but I have other suspicions as to where they got the idea.

While driving through my neighborhood recently, a squirrel darted out in front of my car. There was no traffic in sight in either direction, but me. This was clearly the act of a "suicide squirrel."

I tried to avoid him, but I heard a thud, although when I looked in my rear-view mirror he was nowhere in sight. I didn't see him wearing a World War I flier's helmet and goggles, so I know he wasn't Rocky the Flying Squirrel who was able to take to the air to avoid danger.

All I could figure that he was lying by the side of the road somewhere telling his comrades, "I'll never make it. You boys go on with out me."

I can't fathom that a squirrel's life is so bad that he'd just want to end it all, thus I suspect that they have other motives. One possibility is that there is always some rodent version of the game "chicken" going on. How often have you driven down the street to find a squirrel darting out towards your car, only to have him stop and retreat back to where he came from? I've always assumed that before hand there was some other squirrel telling him, "Go on. I dare you."

The other possibility is that they're being indoctrinated by Islamic fundamentalists to wreak havoc on America's roadways.

We have been given one vague terrorist alert after another to the point where they should just tell us to "watch out for someone to do something somewhere at sometime."

The government has attempted to tighten its borders, which has never been an easy task. From the south, Mexicans have poured over the border looking for work. From the north, Canadian Geese have flocked (sorry) to America to block our highways and fertilize our lawns.

Last week residents in Webster Mass. were told to boil their water due to an e-coli outbreak that was traced to Canadian Goose droppings seeping into wells. Rumor has it that Attorney General John Ashcroft is seeking to freeze Canadian assets as a result.

Why worry about Al-qaeda poisoning our water supply, when we can't stop Daffy Duck's cousin from doing it?

At one time the geese seemed kind of quaint. Now they are just a nuisance. Have you ever been on your way to work and had to sit in stopped traffic because some Canadian Goose named Pierre decided that the middle of Rt. 28 was a good place to contemplate the mysteries of life? I have.

Have you ever tried to field a ground ball during softball practice that has kicked up something from the turf that ain't dirt? I have.

Have you ever thought that aliens from another planet will try to kidnap you and replace you with a double that your co-workers and your family would think was you? If so, you're alone on that one.

I can't say that I blame these squirrels. American retirees often make their way to southern climates to enjoy their last years. Perhaps these fowl visitors got tired of those miserably cold winters so they came here.

I wonder if they would have had any more success in understanding how to vote on those Florida ballots.

Posted by dmargarita at 8:59 PM

April 17, 2002

Mid-East Piece

It's ironic how some middle-eastern countries despise us, yet have no qualms about adopting western technology and culture when it suits their needs. Last week Saudi Arabia took a page out of western society by holding their first telethon to raise money for the Palestinian people.

Let's face it, when we think of "telethons," the first thing that comes to mind is Jerry Lewis and his annual Labor Day Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. The zany, wacky and nauseating (unless you're French) comedian has been hosting this event since 1966, raising millions of dollars, though never seeming to find a cure. I can't knock the guy for trying, and I hope that at least some progress has been made.

The Saudi telethon raised millions of dollars, but the biggest news may have been that a Saudi Princess donated her Rolls-Royce, which is ironic considering that women aren't allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. With all the hype recently about ex-Beatle Paul McCartney coming to town for a concert, naturally this led me to a song parody to be sung to the Beatles song Drive My Car. With apologies to Messer's Lennon and McCartney, here goes.

Asked a girl what she wanted to be
and she said "Baby, politically free.
Most Saudi Women are treated like dirt.
If I could do one thing it wouldn't hurt.

But, baby I can't drive my car.
That would just offend Allah.
Baby I can't drive my car
and be a good Muslim"

A number of the recent suicide bombings have been perpetrated by women. So who says women haven't achieved equality in the Arab world?

I don't know if the telethon featured an array of singers, comedians and magicians as Mr. Lewis' telethon has. I have no idea what a Saudi comedian would tell for a joke. Perhaps:

"Two Jews walk into a bar----and the Zionist pigs level it!"

I can only assume that they stuck with western telethon form and had a "Abu Gamil is donating 72 virgins from his afterlife to the martyrs of Palestine; and now to entertain you we have the knife-throwing act of the Hallah Brothers."

The situation in Israel is dire, but efforts to secure peace are underway.

Anthony Zinni and Colin Powell have made their way to the region. The Saudi's have proposed a peace plan, and though I can't confirm it, I actually heard one radio d.j. say that Pearl Jam's lead singer Eddie Vedder has shaved his head and vowed to keep it shaved until there is world peace.

Hey, if John Lennon and Yoko Ono couldn't secure world peace by spending their honeymoon in bed, what realistic chance does Mr. Vedder have with a shaved head? I think Eddie Vedder should start with smaller goals and work his way up. For instance, he could start by shaving his head until there's peace in the Fenway bleachers during a Sox-Yankee game.

Any way, I have a partial solution here. There are many young Palestinian men who can't get jobs and partly as a result of their frustration find themselves throwing rocks at Israeli troops. The Red Sox have spent millions of dollars signing mediocre pitching talent from such far away places as Korea, Japan and the Dominican Republic by way of Japan (see: Robinson Checo). These young men need jobs and the Red Sox are always looking for international pitching talent, so why not bring them over and sign them up as pitching prospects? With all the rock throwing that they've done, they've probably built up some pretty good arms.

The situation in Palestine is bad and getting worse. People are trapped in their homes, unable to get food or medical supplies. Some have died because they were unable to get medical help that would?ve saved their lives, and loves ones are unable to remove their corpses causing a potentially serious public health problem.

I can't think of any other place in the world that I'd rather send Jerry Lewis.

Posted by dmargarita at 6:30 PM

February 27, 2002

Footnotes to History

I'm not going to write my column this week. I've decided to just copy N. Y. Times columnist *Maureen Dowd's column. After all, she is quite good.

The reason I say this is because historian Doris Kearns Goodwin has been in the news again, revealing that more passages from her book **The Fitzgerald?s and the Kennedy's than originally thought were plagiarized from another source. Apparently Ms. Kearns Goodwin wrote much of her early works in long hand, including notes that she would copy out of other books. She claims that her notes got mixed up with her text, and thus the ***plagiarism.

What kind of writing is that? I can get a bunch of books on a subject, copy things out of them and---voila, I've written a book. How do you think I got through high school?

I've read a number of biographies over the years, and this whole circumstance leaves me wondering about the veracity of some of the books that I've read. If one author gets something wrong about a subject and subsequent author?s copy that into their works, an inaccuracy is compounded into the mainstream and becomes accepted as fact.

Noted historian Steven Ambrose also was caught using some other passages from author Thomas Childer's Wings of Morning, Apparently Ambrose footnoted the passages, but did not put them in quotation marks, considered a no-no among historians. That is why I've made sure to include footnotes in ****this piece.

This is not a new phenomenon. Alex Haley was successfully sued for plagiarizing another author for part of his landmark book *****Roots, the story of his search to find his ancestors. However it wasn't necessarily his family that he found. I guess that explains why part way through Roots the main character Kunta Kinte's descendants become Irish potato farmers.

In fact, Im working on a novel based on my own life about an English child in the ******19th century who suffers many trials and tribulations when he is orphaned. I'm also considering one, again based own my own life, about a boy who helps a runaway slave escape by sailing down the Mississippi River on a raft.

Of course, I've got to make sure that I leave enough room for my ******* footnotes.

I think I've got enough to call this a complete ********column.

Footnotes:

* A very insightful columnist for the N.Y. Times, Dowd puts the Washington scene in perspective.

** Two Irish-American families that have long held sway over Boston, Massachusetts and the ^ United States of America.

^ (A footnote for the last footnote) A country comprised of fifty states first formed in 1776.

*** Defined in my Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary as "1: an act or instance of plagiarism. 2: something plagiarized." What a useless definition. The dictionary says that the word "plagiarism" was first coined in 1621. Oddly enough, it says the word "plagiarize" wasn't coined until 1716.

**** Another insipid piece of writing by yours truly.

***** An epic TV mini-series starring LeVar Burton was made from this book in the 1970's. He then went on to star as Major League ballplayer Ron LeFlore, portraying the centerfielder's trek from prison to being a member of the Detroit Tigers. The problem was that Burton was less an athlete than an actor, and LeFlore was so distraught at Burton's lack of athletic talent that it affected his playing and ruined his career.

******I didn't really live in the 19th century.

******* Footnotes are explanatory text at the bottom of a page of writing.

******** They actually pay me to write this crap.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:49 PM

December 25, 2001

The Year in Review 2001

For better or worse, 2001 will certainly be a year to remember. Of course, if you have trouble remembering entire years, you may want to consult a neurologist. Once again I have decided to look at the top stories of 2001.

January 20: Chief Justice William Rhenquist swears in George W. Bush as the 43 U.S. President. Bush thanks Rhenquist for "electing me precedent."

February 27: The United Kingdom announces it is giving $220 to farmers as compensation for foot and mouth disease. The rest of Britain requests another $100 million to fight gum disease. Concerned about his propensity for malapropisms, President Bush asks congress for money to prevent foot IN mouth disease.

April 1: A U.S. spy plane makes an emergency landing in China. President Bush demands the return of the plane. The Chinese comply, dismantling the plane and sending it over in little white cardboard boxes with wire handles. Bush thanks the Chinese, but an hour later the unsatisfied president asks them to send over another plane.

May 23: U.S. Senator James Jeffords of Vermont leaves the Republican Party to become an independent, effectively giving the Senate to the Democrats. Republicans call him a traitor, Democrats call him a hero, and the rest of the country calls him "The guy none of us had ever heard of 'till now."

June 11: Convicted Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh is executed. The execution is executed at 7:14 central time.

June 28: Yugoslavia hands over Slobodan Milosevic to The Hague for war crimes. Milosevic, or "Slob" as he is known to his friends, attempts to have the trial moved to Los Angeles declaring "Hey, if they wouldn't convict O.J., I've got a pretty good shot."

July 3: Robert Tools becomes the first person to receive the AbioCore self-contained artificial heart implant. Singer Elton John, never one to pass up a good commercial opportunity, announces that he's changing the words of his song to "Don't go breaking my AbioCore self-contained artificial heart."

Also this month Dr. Michael West, CEO of the Worcester based Advanced Cell Technology Co., discloses that his company has begun creating embryos for the purpose of "therapeutic cloning." Seeking to mollify an alarmed nation, West assures congress that neither he nor any other of the Michael West's he will create will misuse the cloning technology.

September 11: Terrorists hijack four jet planes crashing two of them into the World Trade Center and one into the Pentagon. No joke possible here.

October 7: U.S. coalition forces begin bombing Afghanistan. Taliban and Al Qaeda forces retreat into caves bringing arms, ammunition and pic-i-nic baskets.

October 15: A letter containing anthrax is opened in the office of Senate majority leader Tom Daschle, one of a series of anthrax laced letters sent to media and government addresses. No suspects emerge, however Ed McMahon is brought in for questioning.

November 29: What is life? Something that former Beatle George Harrison no longer has as he passes away from cancer at 58. As the former fab four member noted with the title song of his first post-Beatle solo album, All Things Must Pass.

December 23: A man on a flight from Paris to Miami causes a stir over the Atlantic Ocean when he attempts to detonate an explosive device in the heel of his shoe and the flight is diverted to Boston. After crew members and other passengers subdue the man, flight attendants maintain their cool, announcing upon landing; "All passengers continuing to Miami can remain on board. All passengers heading off to jail, please see the authorities waiting at the gate."

Well that was the year in a nutshell. Here's hoping that next year will be better.

Happy New Year.

Posted by dmargarita at 11:15 PM

December 19, 2001

Osama's Tape

Well, it was quite a week that we had. Americans finally got to see the eagerly awaited Osama bin Laden tape in which the man cements his standing as the most despised man in the western hemisphere, narrowly defeating George Steinbrenner.

We had heard that the tape was incriminating, which indeed it was, but until we saw it for our own eyes we didn't know quite what to expect. For all we knew it could have been running on Al Jezeera as Afghanistan]s Funniest Home Videos. Frankly, it would have been more fun to watch an Al Qaeda member inadvertently launching a hand held stinger missile into the world's most wanted terrorist's groin. Personally, after hearing President Bush constantly referring to bin Laden, as an "evildoer" I sort of expected the camera angle to be crooked, like it always was in the Joker's hideout on Batman.

Instead we saw a man jubilantly recalling being informed of the deaths of thousands of innocent people. I have no doubt that bin Laden found the Holocaust hilarious.

Yet there are those in the Muslim world, which used to be the Moslem world, who believe that the tape is a fake. In their mind, somehow through digital technology, or the use of a double (perhaps the guy that doubled for Paul McCartney in the Beatles when he supposedly died), it's not the real bin Laden that we saw. This is not the equivalent of the people in this country that think that professional wrestling is real. More aptly, it is the equivalent of those that deny that the Holocaust took place. No amount of physical evidence, eyewitness accounts or film footage will convince people who don't want to believe something. We haven't seen this level of denial since the O.J. Simpson murder trial.

We have plenty these people here in the west. Besides the aforementioned Holocaust deniers, we have the militia whackos who think that the United Nations is going to take over the United States, and that they have a weather machine in Europe that controls the world climate. I suspect they are also the ones that started the rumor that Jerry Mathers of Leave it to Beaver was killed in Viet Nam.

The man who has exhorted others to give their life for Allah continues to elude U.S. and anti-Taliban forces. It appears that he'd rather run and hide then give his own life, making him a hypocrite as well as a murderer. Somehow I don't think that will bother his conscience.

On a happier note, the annual baseball winter meetings concluded in Boston where the Red Sox were able to actually find a team willing to take troublesome outfielder Carl Everett, and give something in return. Personally, I figured that the Sox would be lucky to get a box of batting practice baseballs for him, owing to Everett's reputation as a clubhouse pain in the neck. Rumor had it that general manager Dan Duquette offered Everett to the Taliban even up for Osama bin Laden but were told by Mullah Omar, "We don't need a headcase like Everett."

Happy holidays, everyone.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:11 PM

October 31, 2001

Emeril and Friends

I'd never heard of Emeril. I tend to be late to discover fads and trends, so forgive me for not knowing who the guy that is known as the hilarious chef on The Food Network is. Apparently he's so funny and popular that he was given his own network sitcom, which I understand has recently been canceled. You could say that his show lasted about as long as minute rice or that his ratings plummeted quicker than a souffl頴hat has been removed from the oven prematurely.

Since when does being a popular chef qualify you to star in a sitcom? Julia Child never got her own sitcom, which I'd like to see. How about "Everybody Loves Julia" for a title? Can you imagine her in a situation like Lucille Ball, attempting to put frosting on cakes as they come down the conveyor belt, only to have the belt speed up, leading her to make a mess of the whole thing? Now that's comedy.

So where am I going with all of this? I haven't a clue. Just kidding. Emeril comes to mind because on one of the all news channels, I saw a clip of actor Burt Reynolds on the Emeril show challenging terrorist Osama bin Laden with the line, "Osama bin Laden can kiss my ass!"

This was similar to a challenge made by a firefighter, the brother of another firefighter lost in the World Trade Center attack, during the recent benefit concert at Madison Square Garden. Somehow it seemed a little more threatening coming from the firefighter. Perhaps if Clint Eastwood had made the threat, Osama bin Laden might have reason to be nervous, but Burt Reynolds? It would hardly have been more threatening if Reynolds vowed to bring his good friend Dom Deluise with him over to Afghanistan to pummel bin Laden.

It is reputed that for all his talk of living the sixth century life of the prophet Mohammed, bin Laden hypocritically has no qualms about using such modern technologies as computers and satellite dishes in his cave. That said, what makes Reynolds think that if bin Laden does receive American TV signals, that he watches The Food Network? A man who lives in a cave, conducting world wide terrorist operations probably doesn't spend a lot of time watching cooking shows, especially if his diet consists primarily of bread baked over a couple of rocks. He'd just be torturing himself.

From what I hear, Reynolds is also a good friend of Charles Nelson Reilly. Boy, if Paul Lynde were still alive the four of them could have made one hell of an elite Special Operations force.

I understand that Reynolds is mad. I'm mad. We're all mad. However, directing blistering insults from a cable TV cooking show is not likely to strike fear in the hearts of homicidal maniacs who are located 15,000 miles away.

Of course I could be wrong. At this very minute bin Laden could be hiding under a blanket in his cave, trembling at the thought of an aging Hollywood actor with a toupee coming to duke it out.

Perhaps Mr. Reynolds would be willing to be transported into Taliban territory where he can tell bin Laden his message in person. Better yet, he can bore bin Laden to death by sending him copies of Cannonball Run II.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:42 PM

October 19, 2001

Osama & the Flintstones

A recent news report stated that inside the caves from which Osama bin Laden operates, it is believed that he has such modern equipment as computers, satellite TV and that there is possibly even a hotel in one of these caves. I've been trying to think of where I've seen such a setup before and it finally dawned on me. The man is living the life of Fred Flintstone.

Oh sure, I could sit here and riff on that theme and come up with "rock" oriented names for some of the major players in this conflict, a la The Flinstones. For instance, you could call our foe Osama bin Lava, or you could have Gorge W. Bush and Stoney Blair meeting with Mayor Ruby Jewelryanni. I could note the fact that the Taliban would like to have their society living in the Flinstone's age, but I don't feel it would do justice to those who have been killed or whose lives are in peril.

I could talk about anthrax and comment on the ridiculous lack of oversight that whoever is making this stuff has over their product. I don't know how many labs make it, but it seems to me that you might want to put it under lock and key. Even at the cinema they have to count how many cups they have left to determine how many sodas they've sold over the course of an evening.

I can't figure why anybody would need to deal with this stuff that wasn?t for military purposes in the first place. If an individual has been making it covertly at work, you would think someone would notice that Bob from accounting has been firing up the Bunsen burner at his desk during his coffee break. Surely someone might have speculated on why he's been wearing a biohazard suit around the office.

The FBI has released a psychological profile the suspected homegrown terrorist. They think he's a quiet unassuming man in his thirties or forties, whom no one would suspect. Hey, wait a minute, that description fits me. Well, I could talk about anthrax, but it's been done to the point of overkill, so I won't.

I could talk about what a mess the Red Cross has made of the money that was donated, and how I think that Fox news blowhard Bill O'Reilly is out of line in faulting the performers for lack of oversight of how the money has been (or not been) spent. Most of these artists have spent a good portion of their career being ripped off by agents, managers and record companies. So now they're supposed to oversee the Red Cross? Considering Mr. O'Reilly's lack of gratitude, it would be hard for me to fault these artists if, in the future they tell the next cause to come along to take a hike. Yes, I could talk about the Red Cross but America?s heard enough about this story as well.

What I really want to talk about is...oops. Sorry, but it looks like I've run out of space. I guess I'll have to talk about it next week.

Posted by dmargarita at 7:03 PM

October 17, 2001

A Letter from Camp

The bombs continue to fly around the clock in Afghanistan, as Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld tells reporters that U.S. warplanes are targeting Osama bin Laden's terrorist training camps. President Bush is urging the Taliban to close down the camps and turn over members of the Al Qaeda network. What America really wants to know is who will be the new winner on the next Survivor?

For all the talk of these "camps," it has left me wondering what goes on in them and has left me with a lot of questions such as: Where do these people get the tuition money? How's the food? Do they ever write to their parents to come and get them early?

I never went to camp as a child and my only knowledge of camp life comes from the Bill Murray movie, Meatballs. It's hard to imagine these terrorists sitting around a campfire in "Camp Taliban" T-shirts singing "Raghib Rowed the Boat Ashore," toasting marshmallows, or telling ghost stories. Come to think of it, I suppose that there's an even less remote possibility of a "panty raid."

The closest they probably come is chanting "Death to the Great Satan," burning an effigy of George W. Bush and promising suicide bombers that they'll have 72 virgins in a tree lined garden when they get to Heaven. Speaking of which, how
in the world did they ever come up with the number 72 for the amount of virgins? Did they sit around and debate this?

"You'll have 47 virgins.no, 56 virgins.wait, let's see.maybe 64 virgins."

Bin Laden's mother is said to be one of ten wives to his father and bin Laden himself is believed to have five wives. So where are all these virgins supposed to come from? At the rate the bin Laden family is going, soon there won't be any
left.

It's my guess that a lot of people developed their impressions of camp life from Alan Sherman's popular comedy song, Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh. With apologies to Mr. Sherman, I have developed a Taliban camp song to be sung to Mr. Sherman's
melody.

Hello Mullah, Hello Allah

Camp is nothing like Ramallah

There's no love here, only hatin'

All we talk about is killing "The Great Satan"

My new teacher's a goat herder

Teaching classes on how to murder

For rocket practice we had a tutor

And we practiced on some statues of the Buddha

There's no time for sports or fishin'

Suicide is my next mission

We don't care if they're civilians

Hope for thousands but we really dream of millions

I feel bad for poor Osama

Even more so for his Mama

With fifty-two kids I won't mention

This whole mess is 'cause he didn't get attention

There's no games or even swimmin'

Wish that they would admit some women

Sorry Allah, this don't please us

I think maybe that I should have followed Jesus

It's a sad commentary on today's world that attendance at one of these camps is something that someone would want to put on their resume.

Posted by dmargarita at 4:15 PM

October 3, 2001

OBITUARY: Irony, Dead at 27

Americans were stunned recently when it was proclaimed on national TV that Irony, long beloved in this country, was dead.

The announcement came in the wake of terrorist attacks in New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania that left thousands dead. It is believed by many that there is some connection. Irony's cousins, Anger and Frustration confirmed the news in a tearful and bitter press conference on Monday.

"I'll get whoever did this" stated Anger.

"I wish there was something that I could do" lamented Frustration.

When reached at her home for comment, Irony's longtime companion Sarcasm said, "No, I'm happy he's dead. How do you think I feel, you Moron?!"

Since Monday there have been a steady stream of visitors to the Irony mansion in Beverly Hills. Such noted celebrities as Mirth, Joy, Laughter and Sorrow have been spotted entering the grounds. Despair also has attempted to visit the mansion but was prevented from doing so by Hope, who at 98 has lost much of the slick delivery that made him famous in his "Road" pictures with Crosby. Suffering showed up but was also unwelcome.

Irony, the son of Humor, was born in the wake of the Watergate scandal of the early 70's. He was a direct descendent of the noted British family, Humour, which made it's way to America in the 18th century and changed the spelling of the family name after the American Revolution.

Sources say that after an evening of heavy drinking with Merriment and Hilarity at several Los Angeles nightspots, Irony took a cab home where he was later found by Sarcasm, who called several times for an ambulance, but had trouble convincing the operator that she was serious.

Police arrived on the scene shortly thereafter and Detectives Puzzlement and Inquisitiveness immediately cordoned off the scene.

A preliminary autopsy has proved inconclusive. Irony's spokesman, Cynicism, said that it was unlikely that the exact cause of death will ever be known, while his manager, Greed, immediately began a search for a new client to take Irony's place.

Irony's longtime professional partner, Satire is said to be flying in from Europe where he moved to after discovering that the Europeans understood his work much more so than Americans. The pair never spoke after their much-publicized breakup, the lone exception being a surprise reunion on a Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.

Pity, Irony's next door neighbor, was seen bringing food to the Irony mansion, but declined comment to reporters saying that she was "too sad for Sarcasm" to talk.

Reached at his home, Pain said he would try to visit the mansion, and would represent his ailing twin brother Agony, whom Pain described as being in "no condition to go anywhere."

It is believed that Sarcasm will let the funeral arrangements be made by the couple's good friend, Faith, with whom the couple became close despite their dissimilarities.

Irony may have been publicly declared dead, but humor or at least an attempt at thereof, isn?t.

How ironic.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:20 PM

September 19, 2001

On a Serious Note...(9-11)

Regular readers of this column are used to finding humor, or at least attempts thereof in this space. That's all one can do with humor, is attempt. Whether or not one succeeds is up to the reader.

Last Monday I spent the bulk of the day at my computer pecking away, hoping to entertain somebody. I finished about seventy percent of the column with the intention of completing it on Tuesday. The horrific acts of terrorism that subsequently occurred put me in a bit of a bind. I contemplated scrapping what I'd written and sharing my thoughts about the situation that America was going through. However, I decided that it was probably best not to be putting out for public consumption something written out of the anger and sadness that I was feeling, lest I say something that I didn't really mean and might regret later.

The challenge for me then was to finish the remainder of the column, attempting to be funny when I certainly didn't feel like making jokes. The result was a disjointed piece, and for that, I apologize.

The next day, Wednesday, my softball team was scheduled to play another playoff game. Nobody really felt like playing, and cancellation of the game was discussed. Since no one on either team had any direct connection to any of the casualties, it was decided that we should play the game for there was nothing to be gained by not playing.

The horror brought upon this nation appears to have been the work of Islamic fundamentalists. Religious fanaticism is nothing new, and historically has always seemed to lead to massive bloodshed. For centuries wars have raged on "In the name of God."

The Middle Ages brought us the Crusades in which the Christians fought the Muslims all in the name of God. The weapons of the time were probably swords, which are quite capable of causing much death and destruction. It is now the year 2001 and these fanatical few have shown us how deadly it can be when you combine 11th century thinking with 21st century technology.

Sadly, there have been reports of a backlash of attacks on Muslims and Arab Americans throughout the country. I'm happy to see that officials have taken pains to note that the segment of Islam that perpetrates these dastardly acts is but a minority. Unfortunately, the smallest individual can make the most noise if provided with the proper instruments.

While I'm no expert on the Koran, there have been enough Muslims clerics speaking publicly to note that the Koran forbids killing and that most Muslims were as horrified at these attacks as anyone. It seems that just as people have often used distorted interpretations of the Bible to justify their heinous actions, so have people done with the Koran. John Salvi, who killed some workers at an abortion clinic, is no more representative of Christianity than the perpetrators of last week incidents were of Islam. Hopefully the followers of this extremist point of view will someday realize that they are not putting Islam in the best light and are causing the more moderate followers of the religion to suffer the consequence.

It has been heartening to see the stories of the heroic rescuers and of total strangers who have come together to help one another. Thus, in the past week we have seen both the best and worst of mankind.

I too, had the same feeling of helplessness that many of you may have felt. It seems to me that the best way to fight back is to go on with our lives, and so next week I will once again attempt to be funny.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:08 PM

September 5, 2001

Playing Hardball

Regular readers of this column know that I am an avid baseball fan and live and die with the fate of the Red Sox. I am also a softball player currently engaged in a playoff fight. As exciting as it's been, I'm finding that softball just doesn't have the edge that playing baseball had, and so I've decided that I want to resume playing hardball once again. No, I'm not going to play in one of those over thirty leagues.

Next year I'm trying out for Little League.

The controversy surrounding Danny Almonte has shown that it is not only possible, but may turn out to be quite profitable. Before being discovered as being too old to play in the Little League World Series, the 12-year-old, sorry, 14-year-old had made national headlines and seemed on track for a stellar professional baseball career. He signed an estimated 2000 autographs on one day, so could endorsements have been too far down the road?

What with modern computer technology it is easy enough to fake a birth certificate and hack into government systems. While it’s true that with age I have lost a little off my fastball, and am probably no longer in Almonte's 70 m.p.h. range, I still possess enough heat to put away most 10 year olds. Of course the 11 and 12 year olds would be a little more of a challenge, but I think that I could keep them off balance with my off-speed pitches.

Having played and coached at various levels for many years, I feel that I have a lot to offer in terms of knowledge to the youngsters. For instance, any kid standing too close to the plate while I am on the mound will soon learn the meaning of such phrases as "chin music" and "brush back pitch."

Any child attempting to turn a double play as I come barreling into second with a take out slide will go crying to his mommy. Literally.

While opponents will learn these gritty baseball lessons from me, there would be plusses to playing on a team with me. If teammates need a ride to the game, I can drive them. For that matter, I'm also available to buy them beer.

If I could reach the Little League World Series in Williamsport, Pa., I could showcase my talents on national TV. Perhaps there would be interest from the major leagues, and even if I were to be found out, imagine the money I could make from writing a tell-all book. Jim Bouton was the first to do so with his epic, Ball Four, revealing the seamier side of the national pastime. Surely, a tell-all book about my experiences in Little League would be a best seller. I could write about who likes whom, who eats paste, and who has cooties.

It appears that Almonte may be in the country illegally and hasn't attended a day of school since entering the U.S. He may only be fourteen, but he's already been treated like a major leaguer.

If you'll excuse me now, I've got to go start my workouts.

Posted by dmargarita at 5:53 PM

June 27, 2001

People Who Read People

First the Pulitzer Prize, then the Nobel Prize and now People Magazine's 50 Most Eligible bachelors. The awards just keep passing me by. I'm beginning to feel like the oft overlooked Emmy nominated actress, Susan Lucci.

Of course my curiosity as to what fifty guys in America beat me out to make the list got the better of me, so I decided to check out the current issue of People. Too embarrassed to be seen buying a copy of People, well, actually too cheap to want to spend the money (a trait that will not help me get on next year's list), I ventured up to the Stoneham Public Library to glean the info from their copy for free.

This in itself presented an embarrassing problem as I realized that sitting there looking at a magazine filled with the top rated eligible guys in America could give passers by the wrong impression. Rather than muttering to people "research for my column," I sneaked upstairs to a quiet area to see what these guys had to offer that I didn't. I mean, besides looks, brains and money.

The majority are from New York City, and Southern Californian, there apparently being no eligible men in Dubuque, IA. Some are obvious, such as Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Here are a few other members of the list:

Ray Munns--- 21, MTV VJ. Was a pizza delivery boy in Ft. Collins, Co. before winning a contest to be on MTV. Would he have made it if he were still a pizza delivery boy?

Don & Ron Heidary---Listed as "40-year-old twin swim coaches." That is, they are twins who coach swimming and are 40 years old, not that they coach 40 year olds twins in swimming.

Alan Detrich---53, listed as a "dinosaur hunter." Let us know when you catch one, Alan.

Scott Gomez---21, plays hockey for the N.J. Devils. He's most proud that "I still have all my teeth." Generally not a big accomplishment for most 21 year-olds. Wait 'till he's been in the league a few years and is missing teeth, has scars all over his face and his nose goes in different directions. Let's see if he makes the list then.

Richard Roeper---Film critic for the Chicago Sun Times and on TV with Roger Ebert for At the Movies. Apparently until now, women have given him a "thumbs down."

Warren Brown---30---Lawyer/baker---Left a $48,000 a year job as a litigator to become a professional cakemaker. I might get a job as an ice cream man if women find that "hot."

Zia Chishti---29---Inventor-On a date nine years ago was told "You're a good looking guy, but your teeth are horrible." There is no mention of whether there was a second date. He invented a clear plastic brace that fixed his teeth. He went public with it in January and his estimated worth now is $23 million. With that kind of dough he could look like The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and get lucky.

Satish Krishnan---26-Rocket scientist. He should able to find the right woman. After all, it isn't rocket science.

Not among the fifty, but in a separate section about Royal bachelors, there is Baron Clement von Franckenstein. He comes from a long line of European royalty that Mary Shelley used to name the lead character in her classic gothic horror novel. He is quoted as saying "If a women comes at me with a Frankenstein joke right off, it's a bad sign." His ideal soulmate is "Over 40, smart, independent and buxom. I can't abide skinny, stupid women." Couldn't he just go into the laboratory and create her? Sorry Baron, but I couldn't resist with you being such a snotty jerk.

I'm not too down about it, though. I figure that I probably came in at number 51.

Posted by dmargarita at 1:13 PM

June 22, 2001

The Pope.com

History was recorded last week when Pope John Paul II sent out his first message to the world via the Internet. No mentioned was made of how often the Pope got a "You have performed an illegal operation; Windows will be shut down" message.

The Pope's message was an apology to those who have been victims of sexual abuse at the hands of priests and other clergy. This continues the trend of papal apologies. A few years back the Pope issued an apology to Gallileo, some three hundred and fifty years after putting him under house arrest for his insistence that the earth revolved around the sun, and not the other way around. Oh well, better late than never. I have no doubt that after 350 years, Gallileo will be happy to finally get out of the house.

This marks a turning point in the history of religious messages, which until now had been delivered in more simplified, non-technical fashions. Perhaps the most famous religious message of all time had to be that of Moses, to whom God gave the ultimate message, the Ten Commandments. For all the wonders of modern technology, there was an advantage to having words written on stone tablets. No wise guy could hack into the tablets and change commandments for their own amusement. One has the image of some geek in his room rewriting a commandment to read "thou shall covet thy neighbors wife."

Moses seemed to have a long history of being God's mouthpiece on Earth. In his years younger years he had a conversation with a burning bush that claimed to be God. How Moses knew that this particular burning bush was God just because it said it was and not some mischievous talking burning bush that had a history of claiming to be God, is unknown. Most people that wind up having a conversation with a burning bush tend to find themselves looking up the phone number for Alcoholics Anonymous the next day.

If the Pope has finally gone online, it's fairly safe to assume that he has kept up with technology in other areas too. For instance, he's probably long since ditched his 8-track player and has restocked his record collection with CD's. Also, it's probably been years since he's had to run down to the bank before it closed, since the world-traveling pontiff probably knows that he can just access an ATM machine anywhere, anytime.

Of course with such a stressful job, the Pope needs to be entertained like anyone else. Here's hoping that his Holiness has a DVD player with a complete surround sound system to enjoy those Cannonball Run movies that he's known to be fond of.

It's good to see the Vatican catching up to the times (at least in some areas), and I hope the Pope enjoys his new online capabilities. I'm sure he'll be looking forward to hearing "you've got mail" in Latin.

This is one computer user we don't have to worry about sending out a computer virus.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:07 PM

June 6, 2001

West Nile Panic

Dinnertime and the nightly news have the unfortunate circumstance of happening at the same time, at least for me and I'm going to assume a fair amount of other people.

I've sat through plenty of meals while listening to stories of gangland executions, charred remains or worldwide famine or seeing pictures of grieving relatives, all the while I'm banging a ketchup bottle, trying to get the last few remaining drops of Heinze 57 out. By the way, do we need to see relatives crying? Can't we leave them to their grief in private? What kind of a response does a reporter expect from a grieving relative?

"We're happy that Johnny's dead. Frankly he was a disappointment as a child."

It was just such a dinnertime that I sat there eating my ziti, while watching dead mosquitoes in a petri dish and listening to a story about the West Nile virus. Boy, nothing increases the appetite like the sight of dead insects.

Apparently, two dead birds have been found in the area, neither showing signs of foul play. (What a God-awful pun.)

Black Crowes seem to be the most easily infected birds, as are Counting Crows, but not The Eagles.

Authorities recommend that if you see a dead bird, do not attempt to perform CPR, or make any attempt to revive it in any way. They suggest that one should wear gloves and double bag the bird, which is of course what most of us would do when we see a dead bird in the street, anyway.

Symptoms of the virus are: high fever, gastrointestinal problems, muscle ache, headache and mental confusion. Ironically, these are also said to be the symptoms of being in love.

What concerns authorities the most is the potential for panic. They recommend any or all of the following steps:

1. Use plenty of insects repellent.
2. Wear long sleeves and long pants when outdoors.
3. Never leave your house the rest of your life.

Authorities say however, if you must panic, the following panic procedures are recommended:

1. Run around screaming hysterically.
2. Turn all human beings, including friends and neighbors away from your door.
3. Withdraw all of your money from the bank and hide it under a mattress.

The virus first appeared in this country last year in the mosquito-infested jungle known as New York City. Authorities responded by heavily spraying the city with insecticide, killing scores of mosquitoes and possibly doing untold damage to future generations of humans.

Mayor Adolph...uh, Rudolph Guillianni has threatened to have the mosquitoes arrested and put to work if they don't keep off the streets. Gangs of vigilantes have reportedly taken things into their own hands, roaming the streets, spraying on their own.

With all the rain that we've had lately, this really hasn't been much of a summer, and it doesn?t exactly cheer one up to know that what has previously only been a seasonal nuisance (the mosquito), is now a deadly threat.

Maybe tonight I'll just skip dinner altogether.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:47 PM

April 4, 2001

Searching for Whitey

The search for Whitey continues. No, I'm not referring to The Man who has put down his oppressed brothers, but Boston's own James "Whitey" Bulger. After years of seeming to garner a reputation as not much more than an incorrigible rapscallion, or Boston's grownup version of one of the "Sweathog's" from TV's Welcome Back Kotter, Bulger has joined the big-time by making the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list.

The Boston Herald recently reported that Tulsa Police have released a new WANTED poster that claims that Bulger may found in "homosexual communities/resorts or nudist facilities" adding also that Bulger has "extreme bad breath." Having the reputation as one of the most violent, dangerous men in America might be helpful in the world of organized crime however, having the entire nation know that you have "extreme bad breath" is only slightly less embarrassing than having them know that you wet your pants.

He is reputed to have had a life long fear of dentists, which may explain the bad breath. The irony is that the woman he has been traveling with (his "beard?") is a former dental hygienist. The FBI cautions that Bulger has "a violent temper and is known to carry a knife at all times" which is bad news for the person who suggests to him that he use Listerene.

I've come across many TV shows depicting how law enforcement agents are able to track down criminals using a molecule that was found at the crime scene. Yet, despite all of the wonders of modern technology, law enforcement can't seem to track down a naked gay guy with bad breath? They have "drug sniffing" dogs, but no "breath-sniffing" dogs?

He spent many years under the protection of the FBI as an informant. It seems that they recruited him as part of their attempt to round up members of La Cosa Nostra, whom Boston Magazine has referred to as "an international criminal conspiracy run by corporate boards of directors and staffed with people who are required to have killed at least one person." This description pretty much sounds like a boardroom for any major corporation. My question is, do they get stock options as well?

For all the local focus on Whitey, let's not forget that he has nine colleagues on the list. Let's take a look at a few of them.

Victor Manuel Garena--Along with armed robbery and bank robbery, (was the latter one only carried out merely with verbal abuse?) he is charged with "unlawful flight to avoid prosecution." Well, duh. Why would he stick around? POW's try to escape, because it is considered their duty. Isn't it a civilian prisoner's duty, as well?

Usama Bin Laden---The Bureau lists several aliases for Bin Laden including, "Usama Bin Muhammad Bin Ladin (which would surely throw any law enforcement officer off the trail), the Prince (formerly known as), the Emir, Abu Abdallah, Mujahid Shaykh, Hajj, and the Director," the latter perhaps due to his known fondness for directing community theater productions, the most recent being South Pacific.

Donald Eugene Webb--- He is "considered a career criminal and master of identities." Oddly enough, one of those identities is as a career criminal.

These are all dangerous men, but I'm hoping they might have at least one redeeming value. Mainly, the ability to take a joke.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:10 PM

March 15, 2001

Oscar 2001

I'd like to thank the Academy for making this years Oscar presentation reasonably bearable. I admit that I mainly checked in to watch Steve Martin, who is guaranteed to make me laugh, which is more than Russell Crowe can say.

Martin aimed many jokes at Crowe and Julia Roberts with Roberts taking them in good natured stride, but Crowe glowering at most of the barbs. He was definitely the winner of the "Biggest Hollywood Attitude" award.

Of the five movies nominated for best picture, Gladiator took home the Oscar over the movie that got my vote, Erin Brockovich. I liked the movie and thought Julia Roberts was very good in it, but it was my pick mainly because it's the only one of the five nominated movies that I've seen.

Roberts did win for her portrayal of the lead character in the film, and gave a bubbly five-minute speech. That's OK. People usually don't mind when a major stars ramble on. It's when the winners of the "Best Lighting" category ramble on that TV remotes across the country can be heard changing stations. (Fortunately Hoosiers was on WNDS.)

Which reminds me, how about Rob Cook, Loren Carpenter and Ed Catmull of Pixar winning the "Technical Achievement" award for the "Renderman" software? Did that throw off a lot of people in the office pool or what?

I shouldn't make fun of the minor categories, because they are important to movie making and these people deserve to be recognized. It's just that most people in viewer land don't really care. How often do you think that a couple of guys from the Bronx sit in a theater and ones says to the other,

"Hey Vinnie, look the friggin' lighting in this movie. That's pretty good friggin' lighting."

As usual, the nominees for "Best Song" were performed over the course of the evening, the oddest being a woman named Bjork dressed in a bizarre swan costume, horribly warbling a tune called "I've Seen It All" which were my sentiments exactly, after seeing the dress she was wearing. I've never heard of Bjork, who as I understand it is a huge star in her native Iceland. There obviously aren't a lot of things to do for entertainment in Iceland. She's probably a big star here too like Marc Anthony apparently is, although I had never heard of him until recently. Personally, I thought Bjork was horrible and between her costume and singing, almost made me want to pjuke.

The eventual winner in this category was Bob Dylan, who himself has seldom bothered to even try to sing on key for the better part of twenty years. Dylan was beamed via satellite from Australia, where he is currently on tour and was a little frightening to look at with an opening close-up shot that made him look like he was doing a tribute to Willem DeFoe's vampire make-up job in Shadow of the Vampire.

I gladly missed out on the E! Channel's pre-show fashion coverage starring Joan Rivers. Rivers has built a successful comedy career making fun of other people's looks. That is what is called "irony."

What made the show successful more than anything, was the fact that on the East Coast, it ended on the same day it began.

Posted by dmargarita at 1:07 PM

January 3, 2001

The Year in Review 2000, Parts 1 & 2

Meet the new millennium, same as the old millennium. That's if you're one of those people who consider 2000 the beginning of the new millennium. If not, then the millennium ended with a year much like other years in the millennium. Many things occurred, some pleasant, some not. Here's a look back at 2000 at some, but by no means all of the high and lowlights.

Jan. 1-----Doomsayers everywhere, already by nature and definition an unhappy lot, are further disappointed when the world doesn't come to an end. Keep your chin up guys; there's still the possibility of nuclear annihilation. Fear subsides as Y2K computer glitches fail to materialize, although by year's end my computer printer fails to work.

Jan. 10---AOL announces it will buy Time Warner in the biggest corporate merger ever. Bill Gates states that the sale price is "tip money."

Feb. 12---"Peanuts" creator Charles Schultz passes away at 77 as coroner announces "You're a dead man, Charlie Schultz."

Mar. 20--- Pope John Paul II visits Israel, completes pilgrimage in the footsteps of Jesus, expresses amazement that 2000 years later, footsteps are still visible.

Apr. 3---Judge rules that Microsoft violated Sherman Anti-trust act and attempted to monopolize the web; also warns Bill Gates not to buy Boardwalk and Park Place.

Apr. 14--- Protesters dump manure on Pennsylvania Ave. to disrupt meetings of World Bank and International Monetary Fund. Ironically, delegates can't come up with enough cash to send out for air freshener.

Apr. 22---Immigration agents rescue Elian Gonzalez, and return him to his father. Later a photo of a smiling Elian and his father is released. His cousin Marysleysis (which translates to "Mary slays us") says that the photo is doctored, because Elian doesn't even own a pair of Bruno Magli shoes.

Apr. 26---Vermont governor, Howard Dean sign nation's first bill allowing same sex couples to form civil unions. Considering the U.S. divorce rate, the term seems like an oxymoron.

Apr. 30---Hundreds of thousands participate in gay rights rally in Washington D.C., several make vacation plans for Vermont.

May 1---3.5 million Time Warner Cable subscribers temporarily lose seven Disney owned stations due to quarrel over transmission rights. Student test scores rise by 10 %.

May 4---"Lovebug" virus infects computer worldwide. Disney threatens to sue for copyright infringement for this as well as "Junglebook" virus and "World's Greatest Athlete" virus.

May 10---Blaze set intentionally to clear brush in New Mexico, destroys 260 homes, forcing 25,000 to evacuate. Local officials call a press conference to announce "oops."

May 14---Tens of thousands of mothers rally in Washington DC to demand stricter control of handguns. Ironically, many are robbed at gunpoint. Mothers claim guns are not only deadly, but can "put someone's eye out."

May 24---Maryland dismisses wiretap charges against Linda Tripp after judge disallows much of Monica Lewinsky's testimony. Later, Tripp tells Lewinsky "I hope we can still be...ah, forget it." Tripp, already America's most hated woman, gets even lonelier when her dog runs away.

Jun. 4---Unilever agrees to buy Bestfoods for $20.3 billion, creating world's biggest food company. A spokesman for Barnum and Bailey says that the Worlds Fattest Man is "delighted."

Jun. 14---Southern Baptists declare that women should no longer serve as pastors. After public outcry, they consider amending it to just "barefoot and pregnant" women.

Hundreds of fans torch police cars, vandalize businesses and set bonfires in the streets as they celebrate the LA Lakers winning the NBA Championship. Folks still in jail from the Rodney King-L.A. riots lament missing out on a return to "the good old days."

NEXT WEEK: PART II

Last week I gave you Part I of my Year in Review for the year 2000. Partly as a matter of saving space, and partly as an excuse for not having to come up with another idea for something to write about this week, I now present with you with Part II.

Jun. 30--- Arkansas Supreme Court committee sues President Clinton to strip him of his law license. Clinton, initially excited to hear that he's to be "stripped," vows to fight when he learns that it's referring to his law license.

Jul. 1---Confederate flag removed from atop South Carolina's statehouse. Senator Strom Thurmond complains that it dishonors the memory of those that he fought with during the Civil war.

Jul. 12---In Philadelphia, a video from a TV helicopter shows a dozen men, including some police officers, brutalizing a black carjacking suspect. Days later the cops receive job applications from the NYPD.

Jul. 15---A Florida jury orders five major tobacco companies to pay smokers a record $145 billion in punitive damages. Tobacco companies refuse to cough it up.

Jul. 20---Federal grand jury indicts two former Utah Olympic officials for their alleged roles in paying $1 million to bring Games to Salt Lake City. The Games would be good for business, as one official explained adding, "I've got a kid and five wives to feed."

Aug. 7---Al Gore selects Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman as his running mate. Lieberman is the first Jew on a major party ticket. His mother doesn't find out for two days, explaining "he never calls."

Sept. 6---The head of the Bureau of Indian Affairs apologizes for the federal agency's "legacy of racism and inhumanity" that included massacres, forced relocation of tribes and attempts to wipe out Indian cultures. However, Bureau denies designing the Cleveland Indians logo.

Sept. 12---Dutch lawmakers give same sex couples the right to marry (see: Vermont jokes in last week's column). Same sex couples can now participate in Dutch tradition of throwing rice and wooden shoes.

Sept. 15---Olympics open in Sydney, Australia. No one cares.

Oct. 1---Pope John Paul II names Philadelphia heiress Katharine Drexler a saint. She becomes the second U.S. born saint after actress Susan St. James.

Oct. 26---Yankees defeat Mets to win subway series. In bars all over Boston people yell "*!#@%&*"

Oct. 30---TV comedian and pioneer, Steve Allen dies, then immediately begins writing his next book.

Nov. 7---Election night ends, but election doesn't. Florida's 25 electoral votes, like co-eds during spring break, are up for grabs.

Nov. 16--- President Clinton arrives in Vietnam. George W. Bush, concerned that he may have to go, asks his father to get him back into the National Guard.

Dec. 6---U.S. businessman Edmund Pope is sentenced to 20 years in prison by a Moscow court for espionage. U.S. offers to trade comedian Yakov Schmirnoff in exchange. Russians decline, noting that Schmirnoff is really from Wisconsin. U.S. offers to send him anyway.

Dec. 13---Al Gore concedes after U.S. Supreme Court refuses to allow further counting of Florida ballots.Justices Rehnquist and O'Conner check to see how much money is in their retirement fund.

Dec. 14---President Putin Pardons Pope. The release of U.S. businessman Edmund Pope, not only is a goodwill gesture by the Russian president, but also contains the most "P's" in a headline since Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. U.S. still offers to send Yakov Schmirnoff.

Dec. 22---Madonna marries Guy Ritchie in Scotland. Carlos Leon, the father of Madonna's baby, attends by himself. Madonna tells him she'll write a song about him to be called, "Guy Lonely."

There you have it. A look at but a few of the high and lowlights of the year 2000. Now it's time to settle in for 2001: An Earth Odessy.

Posted by dmargarita at 2:28 PM

August 29, 2000

EXAMINING A SCHIZOID TV NATION

I couldn't figure out what to watch on Monday night. It was the Patriots first game, and there was the curiosity factor of Dennis Miller in the broadcast booth for Monday Night Football. There was also the Republican National Convention, and in case either got boring, that old stand-by, TV Land. Thank God for the remote.

The MNF gang was coy about introducing Miller, doing so only after bringing in the other new members, including the requisite Hall of Famer and the gorgeous woman on the sidelines. Miller's first in-game commentary, on the first series of downs was regarding a player with a groin injury, and at 7:31 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, for what I'm guessing was the first time in MNF's 31 year history, the word "genitalia" was mentioned.

Over at the convention, the GOP, trying to soften its WASP-y image, began the evening with a prayer from a rabbi.

CLICK-On TV Land, Mayberry R.F.D.'s Howard Sprague is attempting to prove his manliness by jumping out of an airplane (with a parachute).

Roll call at the convention. A black woman is "Madame Chairman" tallying the votes. American Samoa has four votes for Bush.

CLICK-Miller makes a reference to the Tigris and Euphrates River. The second quarter begins, and the Pat's go up 6-0. Miller makes a reference to the Socratic method.

CLICK-Private Gomer Pyle aggravates Sgt. Carter by continuously messing up during war games. Things work out in the end, though.

CLICK-Guam has four votes for Bush and the roll call is suspended. Next is a black couple singing "Rock This Town."

It is an irony that while Dennis Miller, whose forte is political humor is on Monday Night Football, Hank Williams Jr. who is perhaps best known for opening the MNF Broadcast with the line, "Are you ready for some football?" makes an appearance at the convention. He is the son of Country Music legend Hank Williams, and it's hard not to notice a link between him and George W. Bush as two guys who made their careers by virtue of having their father's names.

CLICK-Dennis Miller makes a reference to The Sword of Damocles.

CLICK-More irony at the convention as former Nixon speechwriter and current game show host, Ben Stein is introduced as a comedian. A black woman teacher makes a speech.

CLICK-Pat's go up 13-0 at the half, meanwhile on Emergency, a careless worker drops a cigarette and starts a fire in a skyscraper.

CLICK-the second half begins with Miller making a reference to the mathematical formula "pi."

CLICK-More minority entertainment. Frankly, I'm no longer sure if I'm watching the Republican National Convention or "Amateur Night at the Apollo Theater." For all the diversity of the speakers and the entertainers, occasional shots panning the audience show only a slightly higher percentage of people of color than that of your average Klan rally. This only serves to highlight the disingenuousness of the on-stage diversity. For the majority of the conventioneers, it's likely that their only dealings with people of color, is when they interact with their hired help.

CLICK-Gage and DeSoto work tirelessly to rescue people trapped on the seventeenth floor of a building.

CLICK-Miller makes a Rosetta Stone and Survivor reference. Pat's lead 20-0 at the end of the third quarter.

CLICK-Joe Friday and Bill Gannon are on the trail of a con man on Dragnet.

CLICK-A black Gospel group gets the convention hopping like a revival meeting.

CLICK-Miller makes a Hindenburg reference.

CLICK-Retired General Colin Powell closes out the convention evening.

CLICK-The Pat's are winning 20-0, and Al Michaels sounds very depressed. Cheer up, Al. Joe Friday got his man.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:23 PM

December 1, 1999

Bearing Arms and Bearing All

You may have been too busy with Thanksgiving and Christmas shopping to have noticed a small but bizarre item in last Monday's paper. The Associated Press reported that "a naked, sword-wielding man burst into a south London church during Mass, slashing and stabbing at members of the congregation."

I swear, I'm not making this up.

The report also said that "the motive for the attack was unclear."

I don't see that there could ever be a legitimate reason for doing this. I suspect that he may be the only person on Earth with this written down on his "to do" list.

1. Pick up dry-cleaning.
2. Buy asparagus.
3. Run naked through a church with a sword and hack parishioners.

My question is how this guy got to the church. Maybe he lived next door, otherwise you really would think that somebody would notice a naked guy walking down the street with a three foot sword. Perhaps he took the subway, London's "Tube." I guarantee that he would have had no problem finding a seat. Little old ladies would've gladly given him their seat.

The report stated that "several men in the congregation, including an off-duty policeman, wrestled the man to the ground."

British police are famous for not carrying guns, which makes me wonder what a Bobby is supposed to do when facing an armed suspect.

"Stop, or I'll.....say something really nasty!"

There's an overabundance of guns in America, thanks in large part to the National Rifle Association owning several members of Congress. I suspect that the British version of the N.R.A. would jump to the swordsman's defense by paraphrasing their mantra: "Swords don't kill people, naked guys running through church kill people."

I don't imagine that they had an easy time getting volunteers to stand with him in a line-up.

"All right Mrs. Johnson, do you recognize any of these men?"

"I think it's number three."
"Are you sure?"
"He's wearing the same outfit."

Come to think of it, I don't imagine that he was very popular with his cell-mates. One thing the police didn't have to worry about was taking away his belt and shoelaces.

The man was not alone, according to the AP.

"Two other men (they make no mention of them being naked) armed with sticks followed the man into the church, lashing out at some of the 400-member congregation. That's according to the priest, the Rev. John Lennon." (Honestly, that's his name. No word on whether the Bishop is Paul MacCartney.)

This could signal an organized movement In the 16th century, reformers broke away from the Catholic Church to create the Protestant Church. Naked Man may be founding his own branch, and the two guys with sticks are his disciples.

No mention was made of the man's name, as I suspect that he didn't have any I.D. on him. Nor was any specific charge listed. I know of one crime that he won't be charged with:

Carrying a concealed weapon.

Posted by dmargarita at 10:45 PM

October 20, 1999

HARRY POTTER

I'm sorry that I didn't have a chance to get to a Barnes & Noble or some other bookstore, last Saturday night/Sunday morning. It seems that the much heralded arrival of the latest Harry potter book forced many parents to drag their kids to a bookstore to get in line for the 12:01 A.M. sale of the series' newest entry. I'm being a bit facetious here. We all know that it was the other way around. Silly me, I was at home, asleep in bed.

This kind of reminds me of the mid-eighties when Bruce Springsteen was about to release his "Live" album (a form of recorded music that preceded CD's, for you youngsters). People camped out waiting in line for record stores to open for reasons that I still don't understand. It was not a limited edition album; millions were printed, record stores re-ordered them and today some 15 years after it's initial release, it can still be found in any half-decent music store.

There has been somewhat of a controversy here in the States over the Potter books.

It seems that some uptight folks feel that the fact that Harry is a wizard is going to lead their children into Satanism. In fact there those that refuse to use the name Santa Claus (no joke) because if you rearrange the letters of "Santa" it becomes, to quote Dana Carvey's Church Lady character, "Oh let's see.... who could it be.... SATAN?!"

These are also the people who listen to Bee Gee records backward to hear Satanic messages.

I should state here that I have not read any of the Harry Potter books and thus, perhaps, am unqualified to give an intelligent opinion, but that has never stopped me before.

Since the Potter series is the biggest thing to come from Britain since the Beatles, there has been no shortage of coverage of Pottermania in recent years, so it's not as though I know nothing about it.

I imagine that these folks have a v-chip installed to block out the Nickelodeon channel on TV so that their kids don't see the hideously evil "Bewitched" show, starring Elizabeth Montgomery. I could see where they live in fear that kids will be twitching their noses and making things disappear and conjuring up George Washington and other historical figures. Of course, that happens all the time.

Sure, I'd be concerned if the latest rage in children's books were:

"The Little Nazi That Could"

"Pooh's Battle with Booze"

"Bambi Gets Lyme Disease"

"Nancy Drew and the Case of the Re-occurring Sore"

"The Hardy Boys and the Bathhouse" or

"You're a Pervert Charlie Brown"

From what I understand, Harry is a good wizard who battles and triumphs over evil. So whats the freakin' problem?

There have always been tales of magic, fantasy and witchcraft. Yes there are people who practice witchcraft for what it's worth. What's more frightening than the unrealistic idea that someone making potions and chanting an incantation is going to change me into a toad, is the notion that some people are living in fear of this happening.

I've got to go now. My pot of Eye of Newt is about to boil over.

Posted by dmargarita at 9:32 PM