DanMargarita.com

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hello Gang,
I just want to wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day (note that I was careful not to say "Happy V.D."). I want to share a love song with you all, as members of this site you get the premiere of this touching love song on Valentine's Day Weekend called, "Now That We've Seen Each Other Naked." Don't let the title fool you, It's really quite sweet. Here's the link to my myspace page where the song resides. Just click on the link, and scroll to the bottom.
http://www.myspace.com/danmargaritamusic

Gulu Gulu

Hello Gang,
If you're not doing anything on Thursday, March 4th at 8:00 p.m. I'll be performing (co-headlining) at the Gulu Gulu Cafe in Salem, Ma. I'll be joined by the wonderfully weird and funky Astro Al. For more details check the club website http://www.gulu-gulu.com/

A New Song!

Hey Gang,
Here's a new song I just finished recording. It's called "What Were You Thinking, Jerry Lee?" about the great early rocker Jerry Lee Lewis, who ruined his career by marrying a girl who was not only 13 years old and his cousin, but he had not divorced his previous wife at the time. Here's the link to my myspace page which contains the song. Just click on this link) or paste it in your browser) and scroll to the bottom and give it a listen.
http://www.myspace.com/danmargaritamusic
Dan

The Gang That Couldn’t Vote Straight

You may have heard that Massachusetts’s voters recently elected Scott Brown to fill the seat left vacant by the passing of Senator Ted Kennedy. It was in most of the papers.

]]> Scott Brown defeated Attorney General Martha Chokely, whose campaign strategy seemed to follow Woody Allen’s advice that “80 percent of success is showing up.”

Indeed, Ms. Chokely seemed to think that just by being a Democrat running for the seat long-held by the “Liberal Lion,” that she was automatically entitled to it.

She scorned the idea of spending time outside of Fenway Park on a cold day, shaking hands. You know what, Martha? That’s what politicians running for office do!

Ted Kennedy would go out and campaign…even when running unopposed! Although, after seeing her lackluster campaign, I get the feeling that if she had run unopposed, she STILL would’ve lost.

When it came out that former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling was endorsing Brown, Chokely joked that he (Schilling) was probably a Yankees fan. Good to see that Martha is keeping John Kerry’s joke writers employed. Maybe she can take over the Tonight Show when Jay gets fired again. Why do Democrats think they’re funny? They’ve got a professional comedy writer, Al Franken in their midst. Couldn’t he run a remedial comedy class for them?

In fairness, Brown ran a great campaign.

“I’m Scott Brown and I drive a truck,” was pretty much all it took to defeat Martha (He didn’t tell us what kind of mileage he got on it, though). I’m not sure if there’s a precedent for that campaign slogan.

“I’m Abe Lincoln, and I split rails.”

The press noted with a wink and a chuckle that Brown had posed nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine in 1982. I’m not sure if there’s a precedent for that, either.

“The Saturday Evening Post Presents William Howard Taft, America’s Sexiest Man!”

At 340 pounds, there was just more of him to love. Remember, they liked ‘em big back then.

Had the shoe been on the other foot, wait…that’s probably a bad metaphor, had there been nude photos of Martha (sorry for planting that image in your head) that surfaced instead of Brown, I suspect that the “Family Values” crowd would have deemed her unfit to run for such a lofty office. Of course, had the Fairness Doctrine still been in place, Martha would have been within her rights to demand to pose nude also. Perhaps we may yet see that “The Ladies of the Attorney General’s Office” layout in Playboy.

Martha Chokely was the 1978 Boston Red Sox blowing a 14 1/2 game lead to the New York Yankees. Martha Chokely was Bill Buckner booting a squibbed ground ball to first base. Martha Chokely was Mike Torrez giving up a bloop home run to Bucky Dent (Yes, despite World Series Championships in 2004 and 2007, the pre-2004 Red Sox remain the Gold Standard for blowing a sure thing). Okay…to throw in one non-Red Sox reference, Martha Chokely was Scott Norwood missing an easy field goal that would’ve won the Super Bowl. And you Sox fans think we’re the only ones whose team tortures us?

The election now gives the Democrats what seems to be a 59-41 minority. Only the donkeys can screw up like that and turn an advantage into seeming to be a disadvantage. It’s kind of like former Red Sox pitcher Matt Young throwing a no-hitter and losing. Yes, if need a sports metaphor for screwing up, all you have to do is check Red Sox history between 1919-2003.

Now there’s a lot of excitement on the right about Scott Brown, as there was on the left about Barak Obama, and like Obama, the honeymoon period will eventually end and there will be a realization that the candidate can’t walk on water, and disappointment likely will set in. Sort of like being a Red Sox fan from 1919-2003.

As for Martha Chokely, she’s announced that she’s again running for reelection as Attorney General. Before she begins campaigning (assuming she does), she should buy a truck.

Now it is Scott Brown who will be moving to Washington, and he might need some help, but he can take a lot of stuff himself; after all, he has a truck.

Congratulation to Scott Brown, or as one man once said: “Heckuva job, Brownie.”

Great Balls of Fire!

By now you’ve probably heard that a Nigerian man on a flight landing in Detroit on Christmas Day, attempted to detonate a bomb sown into his underwear, which may explain why prior to boarding your plane you may now be asked, “Is that a bomb in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?”

]]> News reports have stated that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, 23, was trained in Yemen, by a branch of Al Qaeda. It’s good to see that Al Qaeda is opening branch offices, because you can’t always get downtown to meet your terrorist needs.

Early speculation (by me) considered the possibility that he attempted suicide when he looked out the window and saw Detroit. Fortunately, alert passengers saw Abdulmutallab’s pants ablaze and quickly reacted, preventing his underwear from going off (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say).

Mr. Abdulmutallab was not only unsuccessful in his task, he showed himself to be perhaps not the brightest star on the Christmas tr…okay, bad analogy. With trousers fuming, a flight attendant reportedly asked what he had in his pocket.

“Explosive device,” was his alleged reply.

Generally, suicide bombers don’t announce their intentions before doing their deed. Mind you, the successful ones don’t do any explaining afterwards.

This was after spending 20 minutes in the bathroom, which didn’t seem to arouse suspicion. Usually, when someone spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, it’s because of bad airplane food or joining the mile-high club.

Abdullah Asieria, a suicide bomber who attempted to assassinate a Saudi Arabian prince last year, certainly went above and beyond for his cause. He managed to get past security by putting his bomb where nobody was going to think of searching. Let’s just say it’s the punchline to the joke, “Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!”

Mr. Asieri spent 30 hours near his target before setting it off. Think about that….30 hours concealing an explosive device there. I guess it didn’t seem suspicious when he lit that fuse. Considering where he was concealing the device, he must’ve moved around the room like he was a Minister of Silly Walks. I’m guessing that with an explosive device where the “sun don’t shine” for 30 hours, his disposition wasn’t the most pleasant, prompting the question, “What’s up his ass?”

Remarkably, he barely wounded the Saudi prince, but did manage to cause a mess. I mean, there was shit everywhere.

BA-DA-BOOM!

If the actions of Richard Reid, aka “The Shoe Bomber” resulted in us removing our shoes before getting on a plane, they may now resort to security agencies calling in the bum-sniffing dogs.

There have been calls from the political right to resort to racial profiling for potential flyers, but it wouldn’t have helped catch Reid, who was British, or Abdulmutallab, who was Nigerian. However, this could prove to be a hassle for the guy who plays the grapes in the Fruit of the Loom commercials.

Several proverbial red flags were missed in catching Abdulmutallab, including the fact that someone typing it onto the no-fly list misspelled his name. Either that person didn’t think to or was unable to do what I did in writing that name…copying and pasting. Hell, even Google questions your spelling when you screw up.

“Did you mean Elvis Presley?”

The most conspicuous gaffe was that that bomber’s dad contacted the U.S. Embassy, noting that his son was missing and had become radicalized. Common sense should’ve put U.S. security agencies on alert, not to mention that it was also the plot of a classic Leave it to Beaver episode.

“Now Beaver, always wear clean underwear in case you have to blow up a plane.”

Mr. Abdulmutallab apparently had the device sewn into his underwear, hidden “near his testicles” (that’s reported by Reuters, so don’t blame me). I’m sure somewhere a DHS agent will chuckle if you search Google for “bomber” & “near his testicles.”

Little did Jerry Lee Lewis realize that his song “Great Balls of Fire!” would someday take on a literal meaning.

Flyers used to be offered the choice of a “smoking” or “non-smoking” seat on an airport. It used to refer to cigarettes, not genitalia.

The real question here is, were they boxers or briefs?

Happy New Year!

Hey Gang,

From all of us here at danmargarita.com, Betty, Veronica, Shaggy & Scooby, want to wish you all a Happy New Year. One last song from me for the year and decade, it's a Bob Dylan song----which I wrote (last week, no less). It's called "Talkin' Bob Dyaln's Vocal Blues" and in it, I attempt to sing in every style which Dylan did over the years. Here's a link:
http://www.myspace.com/danmargaritamusic

2009: The Year in Review

The year 2009 is about to conclude, which means it’s time for me to once again do my annual year in review, which I do every year, hence the word “annual” (like that joke).

]]> Jan. 15---A U.S. Airways plane crashes into the Hudson River shortly after takeoff after Canadian geese get caught in the engine. The FBI later finds that the geese left behind jihadi suicide videos.

Jan. 20---Barak Obama is sworn in as the 44th President of the United States, becoming the first black president of the country, as well as the first Kenyan-born and Muslim president.

Jan. 29---Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is removed from office after allegedly trying to sell President Barak Obama’s vacant senate seat. Blagojevich was not only impeached by the House of Representatives of Illinois, he’d also been a member (SEE: Hair Club for Men).

Feb. 17---President Obama signs the stimulus bill, to try and save or create 3.5 million jobs. Unfortunately, many of the jobs created are “birthers.”

Apr. 13---U.S. Navy snipers kill three Somali pirates who were holding an American ship captain hostage. Pirates are unable to see snipers due to their eye patches.

Jun. 1---General Motors files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, but only after discussing it with their managers.

Jun. 12---Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeats challenger Mir-Hossein Mousav in a presidential race, largely believed to be ridden by fraud. Ahmadinejad claims 66% of the vote, but in reality has 666%. Part of the problem is with hanging Chad’s…and Ahmed’s and Jamaal’s. The U.S. Supreme Court rules 5-4 in favor of Ahmadinejad.

Jun. 25---Michael Jackson, “The King of Pop,” dies of an apparent overdose of medication in an attempt to sleep. Remarkably, Keith Richard continues to live.

Jun. 26---South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R), admits to “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” with a woman in Argentina. Sanford initially claims that he was spreading his “Family Values” philosophy in South America and calls it his “La Familia Valora” Tour. After publicly confessing to the affair and apologizing to his wife Jenny, he then refers to the Argentinean woman as his “soul mate.” Eventually, he will refer to Jenny Sanford as his “ex-wife.”

Jun. 25---Ponzi scheme king Bernard Madoff is sentenced to 150 years in jail for his fraud scheme. Madoff vows that with good behavior, he’ll be out in 127 years.

Jul. 17---Legendary CBS Newsman Walter Cronkite passes away at age 92. Cronkite dies peacefully, surrounded by his family. And that’s the way it was.

Jul. 24—The Cash for Clunkers program begins. Many married people mistakenly try to trade in their spouse.

Jul. 26---Alaska Governor Sarah Palin announces her resignation, to become….well, that remains to be seen. “I’m not a quitter,” Palin later tells the press, after quitting midway through her term. Palin also says she can do more for Alaska by not being in charge of it.

Jul. 30---Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Police Sergeant James Crowley meet President Obama at the White House for a “Beer Summit,” after Crowley’s controversial arrest of Gates, sparking racial tensions. The three don’t solve America’s race problem, but all agree to call for an end to baseball’s “Designated Hitter.”

Aug. 25---Sen. Ted Kennedy dies from cancer at age 72. Pop singer Dion begins rewriting “Abraham, Martin and John.”

Aug. 25---Many legislators conduct Town Hall Meetings to discuss health care reform. Enraged protesters scream “No govt. health care!” while ironically also stating, “Don’t touch my Medicare!”

Sept. 9---During a speech on healthcare by President Obama, Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC), yells “You lie!” Wilson later apologizes to Obama, who tells him, “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Anything you say bounces off of me and gets stuck to you!”

Oct. 2---President Obama travels to Copenhagen where he singlehandedly loses the Olympics, finishing out of the medal round.

Oct. 9---President Barak Obama is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, becoming the fourth American president to win the award, as well as the first Kenyan-born Muslim American president to win.

Oct. 15---The family of 6-year-old Falcon Heene admits to staging a hoax in claiming that Falcon was trapped in a runaway balloon, in order to garner publicity in an attempt to get on a reality TV show. Ironically, the Heene’s eventually get on several reality TV shows called, “The Evening News.” The family becomes social pariahs, however, Balloon Boy becomes fast friends with Bubble Boy.

Oct. 28---Department of Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano conducts a press conference to explain how to deal with the H1N1 or so-called “Swine Flu.” Napolitano ends her speech by saying “Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!”

Nov. 24---Celebrity wannabe’s the Salahi’s crash a state dinner at the White House. While there, the Salahi’s suggest to President Obama that the couples go on a double date and see a play at Ford’s Theater.

Nov. 27---Tiger Woods crashes his car outside his house, after his apparently angry wife Elin, smashes the back window with a golf club. Elin Woods’ drive forces Tiger’s car to slice to the right and into a fire hydrant.

Dec. 10---President Obama receives his Nobel “You’re Not George W. Bush” Peace Prize, just days after announcing that he’s sending 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. Former Vice President Dick Cheney grumbles, “Hell, I got thousands of people killed! Where’s my award?!”

Dec. 25---A Nigerian man tries to blow up a Northwest plane as it attempts to land in Detroit. While authorities speculate that it is a Muslim terrorist plot, the man explains it was merely because he looked out the window and saw Detroit.

There you have some, but not all, of the highlights and lowlights of 2009. Here’s hoping that 2010 is better one for all of us.

This Just In…

This just in...The Grinch has been sent to The Hague to be tried for "Crimes against Whomanity."

Reindeer Games

“You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen; Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall, the most famous reindeer of all?” (Here’s a hint, it isn’t “Adolph”).

]]> Such begins the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as famously sung by cowboy singer Gene Autry.

Many of us of a certain age grew up watching the classic Rankin and Bass animated production of the show of the same name. Whether it is a sign of our age now, or the age that we live in, I find myself reading criticisms of the show and it’s propensity for goofs in continuity on the Internet.

People, this is not a Ken Burns PBS documentary.

If Burns’ World War II documentary, The War claimed that Normandy Beach was stormed exclusively by Catholic nuns, there would deservedly be an outcry for a correction.

Sure, Santa takes off in his sleigh at the end with only six reindeer plus Rudolph. Perhaps two reindeer had negotiated a day off in their union contract. One point of contention is the Misfit Girl Doll, who seemingly has nothing wrong with her. This apparently remained a mystery for years but was finally addressed by Rankin/Bass, who explained (and I’m not making this up) that the Misfit Girl Doll was on the Island of Misfit Toys because she had “psychological” problems. “She feels unloved,” they added. It seems much more of a New Age notion that she was a misfit because she was unable to connect emotionally with another doll.

Mind you, back then there were no commercials for little pills to retrieve you from the throws of depression…or erectile dysfunction (there’s one doll you didn’t see on the Island of Misfit Toys!).

My recollection is that only “boy” reindeer could play in the reindeer games, but isn’t one of the reindeer named Vixen? Doesn’t that indicate a female by definition? Then of course, there’s Prancer, who presumably joined the team under Santa’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

The star of the show, other than Rudolph, is Hermie, the elf who wants to become a dentist. He is also the only elf who doesn’t have pointed ears, which probably made him more of an outcast than the fact that he wanted to be a dentist.

That leads us to another quandary as to whether or not Santa ever had kids. Are the elves his kids? If so, the fact that he’s 2000 years old may explain having so many weird looking kids. If they’re not his kids, then what’s the deal? Is Mrs. Claus merely his “beard”?

How come Admiral Byrd didn’t see Santa’s workshop when he flew over the North Pole? Huh? Huh?

I could never figure why Yukon Cornelius was always licking his pick (not as dirty as it sounds) after digging it into the ground. As a child, it made me think you could taste gold and silver. It’s because he wasn’t supposed to be looking for gold or silver, although they are mentioned, but he was apparently looking for a peppermint mine. That would make a lot more sense.

What most people probably don’t know is that the end, where Santa comes back for the Misfit Toys to be delivered to boys and girls, is not the original ending. People who viewed the show as it debuted in 1964 saw Santa fly away and leave the toys there. That prompted a furious letter writing campaign, prompting a new ending, the one we are now familiar with, for the 1965 broadcast. Hopefully the DVD version will include other alternative endings, like the one with Hermie’s venison dinner.

If you’re wondering why Rudolph is never mentioned on Clement Moore’s classic poem ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, it is because Rudolph didn’t exist until 1939 when he was invented as part of a promotion for the Montgomery Ward department store. Yes, cheap commercialism brought about our beloved song and TV show. Thank God we never got “A Joe Isuzu Christmas.” Perhaps this commercialism what Charlie Brown was complaining about in the 1965 show, A Charlie Brown Christmas.

The “Rudolph” show may have its issues, but they’re fun to discuss. Nevertheless, the show remains an enjoyable memory from my childhood.

I have to admit, I still don’t want a Charlie-in-the-box.

Kinda Pregnant

Hello All,

After some prodding, I dug an old song out of the vault and recorded it. It's called "Kinda Pregnant" and it's about seeing things as not being cut & dry or black & white. Here it is for your listening pleasure (I hope).
Peace, love and understanding,
Dan
Scroll down the bottom:
http://www.myspace.com/danmargaritamusic

Tiger Not Out of The Woods

Okay, sorry about the bad pun, but let’s get right to it. Tiger Woods is certainly not the first guy to be chased out of his house at 2:00 A.M. by his wife with a golf club, just the most famous.

]]> “Golfing?! At 2:00 A.M.?! I’ll show you golfing at 2:00 A.M.!”

Assuming that you’re not Osama bin Laden and haven’t been living in a cave (although he seems to have his own video access), you’ve probably heard that golfer Tiger Woods recently got into a car accident just outside of his home in Florida. Well, I suppose the term “accident” is relative because we don’t know what actually happened, but boy, aren’t we having fun speculating?

The Woods’ contention is that Tiger, pulling out of his driveway, sliced his car to the right and hit a tree and a fire hydrant.

(Hushed British voice) “And now Tiger is caught between a tree and a fire hydrant. This will be a tough shot to get back onto the driveway.”

No doubt, this may cost him a couple of strokes on his auto insurance premiums.

Tiger’s wife, Elin, then smashed the rear windshield with a golf club, which she just happened to be carrying at the time, to extract Tiger from the vehicle.

Because the couple has refused to give details, we don’t know the exact sequence of events. Perhaps Tiger crashed the car and phoned his wife and said, “Honey, I got in an accident outside the house. Bring a pitching wedge.”

Everyone knows that this shot requires a mashee niblik.

While it’s possible that smashing the rear windshield to extract her husband from the vehicle may have been the most convenient portal, speculation is that she happened to have a golf club and smashed the windshield because she was upset at tabloid rumors that he had an affair and was simply chasing him and the windshield was the closest target.

Florida Highway Patrol Troopers have tried to question the couple, but were turned away three times, once being told by Tiger’s wife that he was sleeping. Since Tiger hasn’t been seen publicly, and there are rumors that his facial lacerations were the result of being socked by her, perhaps authorities should investigate to see that Elin didn’t give Tiger something to make him sleep…permanently.

I’m sure when the police show up at your house to question you, you can just have someone tell them to come back later because you’re sleeping, and it won’t be a problem.

Public relations experts are falling all over themselves declaring that Woods’ is handling this situation very badly. He should “Get out in front of this story” as David Letterman did, when Letterman went on his show and told his audience about being blackmailed.

Mind you, not every celebrity did that. O.J. Simpson never came out and said, “I murdered my wife and her friend. I just want to put this chapter of my life behind me and move on.”

Tiger can still turn this into a positive. While it remains to be seen if this affects his relationship with his myriad of commercial sponsors, one sponsor, Buick, could capitalize on this situation.

“Hi. I’m Tiger Woods. You never know when a jealous spouse is going to come chasing after you with a weapon such as a golf club, but a Buick Rainer can withstand the impact of a nine iron, while smashing into a tree and a fire hydrant at five miles-per-hour with minimal damage.”

At this point Woods has announced that he will not be attending his own upcoming golf tournament. Kind of like the host who invites you to his/her party and then stays upstairs the whole time. Like Dick Cheney, Tiger has opted to stay in the bunker and avoid the press. But Tiger, they ain’t goin’ away.

Whether or not Tiger Woods was having an affair, I don’t know and don’t care. That’s his business. If he were a politician, it might be different but he’s a golfer whose public life has no impact on my life, so I couldn’t care less if he comes clean or not. Unless he drives his car into my tree or his wife smashes my windshield, but neither of those things are likely to happen.

It seems that rather than tell it all and get it over with, he’d rather go with a preferred lie.

Dawn Knotts

LOS ANGELES----The city...Los Angeles. My name's Margarita. I carry a notebook.

]]> There's plenty of things to do in L.A. and those of you who know me well or are regular readers of this space know that most likely, I would be going to an L.A. Dodgers or Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Still the most awkward team name in Major League baseball) game. Obviously, this being mid-November, that is not an option. The next best thing to do then, would be to do other things.

I'd walked down Hollywood Boulevard before, but you really can't catch everything in one trip. The strip is of course, lined with souvenir shops and movie merchandise stores. Perhaps the coolest is the Musso and Frank Grill, which has continuously operated since 1919 , thus making it Hollywood's longest continuing restaurant.

One of the bartenders is Manny, who had been there for 36 years and in the business, going on 52 years now. He is an encyclopedia of who some of the restaurant's most famous patrons are that have dined there. He points out a table in the corner that was the regular dining spot of the late actor Raymond Burr. Mr. Burr is no longer with us, but his brand of wine is, as Manny shows me when he pulls out a bottle or "Raymond Burr" vintage 2005. In the opposite corner is a table that Al Pacino has been known to frequent.

Certainly the most interesting (to me, anyway) is the booth near the entrance, which apparently was Charlie Chaplin's regular booth. I do the geeky tourist thing and have someone use my disposable camera to take a photo of me sitting in Chaplin's booth. I'm wondering if when it is developed, it will be in black and white.

Hollywood Boulevard is best known for its "Walk of Fame." As you walk along Hollywood Boulevard (pardon me for quoting you, Ray Davies), there are stars on the sidewalk with the names of various celebrities from the movie, TV and radio business from the last 100 years. Many are names that are legendary, but many are names that may be unfamiliar to the average fan. Sure, some people who may have been famous in their day may draw blank stares at the mention of their names today. Some are likely technical people who whose names were never known to the general public, but were instrumental in the development of their particular medium and thus, are deserving of recognition too. Then there are names of stars that are simply inexplicable. Seriously..."Rugrats"?

When Disney World opened in 1971, its predecessor Disneyland immediately became its unappreciated, adopted, ugly step-cousin. Not far from Disneyland however, is ITS unappreciated, adopted, ugly step cousin Knott's Berry farm.

Initially a dining place for passing tourists, it evolved into a slice of Americana, harkening back to the days of settlers moving west, displacing the natives, and living a hard life. A great museum contains artifacts of standard tools and luxury items that Americans have used over the centuries. We may take out ipods for granted, but try walking down the street with a gramophone on your shoulder as you listen to Jay Z or Rudy Vallee.

Naturally, there are plenty of souvenirs to be bought, if you so choose and if you want to dress like a Kansas prairie woman going to church on a Sunday in 1850 ladies, they have the dress for you. Among the souvenirs available (and I kid you not) is a bag of rocks. For a small fee, you can load up a small sack full of rocks that they provide you. I'd prefer to save time and money by going to my back yard and getting rocks when I need them.

The Calico Saloon features a 25-minute show involving Cameo Kate, her boyfriend Dakota Dan, whom she describes as "tall, dark and handsome" (and I think she's 0-for-3 on that one) and a honky-tonk piano player, Fingers. There's some banter, some music and a lot of corny jokes. The least authentic aspect of it is the wireless headsets they all wear. I decided to try a sarsaparilla and discovered why cowboys were always ordering whiskey instead.

To Knott's credit, the Native Americans are acknowledged with exhibits and have their own show, which was not available when I was there.

There are rides, including a roller coaster-type ride, and had I someone available to hold my stuff, I might have taken that ride, Alas, I was alone and could easily see my cell phone, wallet and change raining down on the patrons below me while I do a loop-the-loop.

Americana is not strictly limited to Manifest Destiny, though.There are old fashioned 1950's cars nearby, and '50' burger joints that serve "American" fries.

All in all, I'd have to say that Knott's Berry Farm is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. That is to say, you should probably experience it one.

Once is really enough, though.

Dan Margarita (The Song) revised...

Hey All,

I've added a verse to my new song, "Dan Margarita (The Song)." In a "D'uh!" moment, I thought of a verse that I couldn't believe I didn't think of sooner, so I've spent the last two days re-recording it. Here's the link: (Go to the songs and then scroll down):
http://www.myspace.com/danmargaritamusic

Up, Up and Go Away!

Well, we all know by now that that the couple who claimed that their son flew away in a balloon are full of helium. Ha! You thought I was going to say, “hot air,” didn’t you?!

]]> Richard and Mayumi Heene, of Colorado, captured the nation’s attention when they claimed that a helium balloon, for reasons of which are as yet to be determined (unless Heene was thinking he was The Wizard of Oz), was in their yard when it lifted off by accident, allegedly carrying their six-year-old son, Falcon. The fact that they would name their son Falcon should’ve been a heads up that this couple was perhaps not playing with a full deck.

Low and behold (or is it “lo and behold?), after flights from Denver Airport were delayed, the Army National Guard deployed a helicopter and the national media had their satellite trucks in the Heenes driveway, the boy appeared, claiming to have hid the attic of their garage. A Brady Bunch moment, if ever there was one.

It was in an interview with CNN’s Wolfe Blitzer (seriously, “Wolfe Blitzer” doesn’t get highlighted by me spell check?) that Falcon coughed up the truth that the family “did this for the show.” If only Wolfe could’ve gotten Dick Cheney to cough up the truth about invading Iraq.

It was on The Today Show, however, that Falcon did more than cough it up; he spit it up, throwing up on live TV, no doubt a video he’ll one day enjoy having played at his wedding. I can’t imagine what Falcon might have confessed to if he’d been waterboarded by Cheney. After all is said and done, I think most of us feel like emulating Falcon on this one.

Celebrity is not new to the Heene’s, having been on the reality TV show Wife Swap. In the ‘70’s that was sort of something swingers did, but now you can have it videotaped.

News reports state that The Heene’s is a self-described “storm chasers.” You can make a living at that? Is that what they write it on their tax form? Must be tough for them to get health and life insurance.

This seems a tad dangerous and bringing your kids into that situation is probably not the most responsible parenting decision.

“Hey, honey, there’s a sniper on Rt. 391. Let’s take the kids there to get a look!”

According to one news report, the Heene’s are listed on a promotion for Wife Swap which says "When the Heene family aren't chasing storms, they devote their time to scientific experiments that include looking for extraterrestrials and building a research-gathering flying saucer to send into the eye of the storm. In this ultimate swap, the Heenes swap lives with a psychic mom who speaks to the dead and can control the weather, her husband and her children -- who believe they are destined to be star."

I can’t guess at what “scientific experiments” the Heene’s are involved with, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that they will not be the ones who cure cancer.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Heene, congratulations. You are famous after all. However, that’s quite different from being “infamous,” which you’ve also become.

This is probably not the kind of fame they envisioned, though. They are looking at the very least at misdemeanor charges being filed, and quite possibly federal charges, not to mention reimbursing authorities for the expenses incurred in looking for a child who wasn’t actually missing (hiding in the attic doesn’t count).

Personally, I think they should be sent to The Hague for committing crimes against humanity.

Falcon Heene is only six-years old, and thus managed to be both a willing participant and also an innocent victim at the same time. I suspect that one day he’ll be spending serious time on a therapist’s couch.

Kid, you should’ve picked better parents.

Apples To Apples

Autumn is apple season, so not only would it be appropriate to write about apples but to write about it on my Mac laptop, made by Apple Computers.

]]> This year marks the 235th birthday of legendary character Johnny Appleseed, whose real name was not “Appleseed,” (Oh, are you one of the Leominster Appleseeds?”) but in fact, John Chapman. It was his fellow frontiersman who nicknamed him “Appleseed,” being the clever sort that they were.
Appleseed…uh, Chapman, was indeed born in Leominster, Mass., just before the American Revolution.

The legend of Johnny Appleseed is that he walked around, sprinkling seeds about in hopes that apple trees would grow. As a person who has a black thumb (plastic flowers manage to die under my care), even I would guess that it probably takes a little more work than that to start an orchard. Indeed, the many websites devoted to Johnny Appleseed (not everything online is pornographic or videos of guys being hit in the groin) say that has was a skilled nursery man, who made money on his botany endeavors.

He didn’t spend his money on luxury items, though. He made his clothes from sacks, slept outdoors, walked around barefoot and wore a tin pot on his head. Come to think of it, I’ve seen guys wearing similar attire in Harvard Square. They usually weren’t planting apple trees, though. More likely they were talking to themselves.

He often gave his money to charity or used it to further his work planting orchards. Every account online indicates that he was a gentle, peaceful man who befriended both the Native Americans and the settlers, and would sometimes be a peacemaker between the two. Hey, when a barefoot guy wearing a sack and a tin pot on his head is the voice of reason, maybe you need to reconsider your issues.

He certainly was resourceful, making drinking water by melting snow with his feet. Presumably, this occurred more often in the wintertime. What he was able to make with his frostbitten toes isn’t on record.

One website says that the type of apple that he grew was called (and I’m not making this up), Rambo. I guess it would have been less macho-sounding if Sylvester Stallone called his First Blood Viet Nam veteran character “John Red Delicious.”

Another site claims that Chapman was a hero. During the War of 1812 local settlers in Ohio were concerned that the Indians would attack after a shopkeeper was killed. (Sure, blame the Indians). Johnny Appleseed then ran 26 miles for help. At least that’s what he told them.

“Yeah, I’ll go for help. Which way is Canada? See ya.”

Running 26 miles is tough enough, as we witness in Boston every Patriot’s Day, but doing it in bare feet, without the opportunity to load up on carbs the day before, or someone waiting with a cup of water every few miles, is unfathomable. On the other hand, if someone is chasing you with a tomahawk, with the intent of scalping you, you might be able to dig down deep for that extra something to carry you along. Boston’s Heartbreak Hill would definitely seem like less of an obstacle.

They say “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” and that seems to have been true for Chapman. He apparently was only sick once in his 70 years, that being the time when he died of pneumonia. That’s what happens when you continue to melt snow with your feet.

His mother died when he was very young, and thus he never had her nagging him to put some shoes on.

“You’ll catch your death of cold!”

Many of the trees that Appleseed/Chapman planted are still bearing fruit. Leominster is still around, too.